Trying to make it is what I have to do

Life. I do not think I am good at it. I don't know what being good at it is really. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders today. As I come more into the light and of the darkness of anxiety I see that all I am doing is growing up at the age of 22. However, I have barely achieved all my independence.

Yesterday I figured out my student loans. I have one that I have to pay right away, of course monthly payments. Though the sum is the same as my rent. That sum...I hate it. I hate money. I do not know how to live on a budget because I find myself buying people dinner or gifts. Then when I need something I have get it....aka food, winter gloves, and etc. I don't know. I'm learning to survive in this crazy and harsh world. The land of the grown ups is not where I belong.

Yesterday I found myself giving homeless people a ride to a food kitchen. I don't have the gas for this. Though I did it anyways. They told me they lived in a tent. It has been snowing for days...I had a blanket in the car and offered it to them. Luckily, they didn't accept because I needed the blanket. When I had that thought it kind of made me sick. It's a weird twisted thought.

Yesterday or sometime last night...my license fell out of my wallet and landed somewhere I will never know. It was one of those things when you take your license out then out of pure laziness you put it in your jacket pocket or just some other place than your wallet.

Lets just say I didn't have the most exciting time last night or today when I came to understanding that my license was misplaced.

I don't know how I will pay for rent. I guess I am now a resident of Michigan if I get a new license.

All these things are troubling. My life is chaotic at some points. I don't quite understand this adult world or what it means to be one because I have never felt like one. I do not know how to be sufficient in this type of world. So I go to church and I record the songs in the service. I go home and start making my niece's christmas gift. I start stopping my complaining and just try my best to deal with it. This life is never easy nor do I think it will get any easier. But trying is what matters I suppose. Trying to make it is what I have to do. I try to be better than I was yesterday and maybe something good will come out of it.

Though what I am thankful for is that I am not alone. I have house to live in. I have car even if it is old. I have things to keep me warm. I have love in my heart. I have food in my belly. I have a bed to sleep in. I have work even if it isn't enough I still have work. I have a life to live. And I don't have a cold anymore just winter boogers. I suppose this is life and I work towards no matter how hard it is.

I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

The moment that change enters my life or the taunting knock at the door I get very resistant. Eventually I let the change happen and I work with it. Though it takes me a bit to take it all in. I haven't had a "easy" year in a long time nor do I think I have had one. Though what is a easy year anyways? I am not sure. I have noticed that I am getting comfortable. I'm not pushing myself I suppose.

In the past years of my life they have been dramatically filled with situational events. Healing from my mother's death has been constant and very often intense. I have filed through things of what I thought were important to deal with and then I accepted what life brought at my door to file through. Then ever so often other family affairs started to happen. When they died down it was time to graduate from college. So I can say now I'm pretty content even if things are very different and not too exciting.

Until I realized that I need something. That being an introvert can have consequences if it isn't played right. I'm too selective when it comes to friends. Of course it has done me well in the past and I have met and kept some pretty awesome friendships up but right now I need that random chat over coffee.

You see a lot of my close friends aren't in the area anymore or they are still in California. Or they perhaps are leading very work focused lives. Which isn't bad at all. I'm in a stage of my life now that isn't totally similar with everyone at my age.

I'm friend shopping? I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

If you have ever been in that situation of a new environment or your current environment has evolved into something else...I think you know what I am getting at. I'm not lonely just mostly alone on my days off. It's something I don't hate and I am fine with. However, I've never lived in my comfort zone for too long and its time to spread out and see what can be done.

One thing here. This is weird. This is a weird topic and weird to write about it. Though if I write this blog I want to be transparent. I need to be transparent. There is something enticing for me there when I am able to do that.

I have had it in the past where I have moved back home it was the hardest thing to do...to make new friends. It was hard to fit in and understand where people hang out or the kinds of people. I always long to be accepted like everyone else in my own way. I like to be funny and have people laugh at my corny jokes that don't always make sense. I also find it completely weird when we automatically think its easy to make friends for everyone. Its easy for me sometimes because I tend to put a lot of myself in friendships though I rarely do it because of my personal insecurities. I tend to be less confident and less myself with people I don't know. What can I say putting yourself out there for friends to hang out with is the weirdest thing ever to do....Its great but a strange concept because we think that everyone has friends and that people are hanging out all the time. False. Just not true.

Well after babbling and not really having a clear blog entry I invite you on my journey of....finding friends in the area?

P.S haha yes I have friends they are just not here...or very very busy people