I was there. In the middle of it all. I wanted to burst. I wanted to burst at the seams...I was in the bar. Drinks were being served to all and even me. I wanted to twitch and to steer to another universe. There was something inside of me rising....to all extremes.
Life is different when it is just not you in the picture. When someone else is mixed up in what you are mixed up in... What are you mixed up in? Life...it is life. Life is what you are mixed up in. Of course you can do it alone, for awhile. But after awhile life just gets lonely. It gets to a point where you can't do it alone. Where another human being needs to be in the mix of things. Because your heart craves community.
However, when that other human being is with you or beside you there is a chance their pain can affect you also. Lately, things haven't been happening to me but to the rest of my close circle. People are getting hurt, falling into pain, or struggling. The two paragraphs above I wrote a few days ago after an intense night. I expected it to be fun but it ended in being intense. My emotions were strong and held a lot of importance. I couldn't shake them off. At times I think I get attached and care too much to the point that I become a protector.
Since my mom passed away, death has affected me. When I hear someone has died...when it is my friend's friend, loved one, or relative...it hurts. It hurts in this weird way that is almost numb. I have obtained this new kind of empathy. Lately my friends have known someone who has died...who seems to be close to their family in some way. I find it hard to separate myself from it.
The three paragraphs were written over the month of January. The feelings I have been feeling havent just gone away or developed into something knew...or I haven't finished dealing with it. When I finish dealing with it, I do two things. I stop writing about it or I write about it and then its final.
They say that as an adult life just gets harder as you go. That it just becomes more complex and intertwined with more and more people. Your heart leaves traces on other people and they leave traces on you as well. It is as if you are a butterfly...their power leaves traces on your fingers...your imprints leave traces on them. If they give themselves away too much, they die.
Sometimes I feel like the butterfly. When I put myself in other people's live...when I let myself. I leave traces of me behind that I can never get back. Some pieces I wish I could steal back and other pieces I'm fine with giving away. I want to keep treating my heart and other people's hearts as butterflies. Because if you give too much of yourself away, you can lose yourself all together.
Though one thing I have learned is things like my familiarness with death, is something that I cannot choose to keep or lose. I give that piece of myself no matter what happens.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
as long as they will let me
The holiday seasons have past and now we look forward to the rest of winter and spring break. Our lives revolve around the seasons...in fact they dictated by them. We celebrate and then move on. We get into the Christmas spirit and then we enter the New Year.
I don't have any resolutions that are elaborate or complex. Though I do have one. It is to have no regrets. Going into the rest of the school year with a positive and moving forward kind of attitude. I know once this last semester is over, my life will be strange. I sometimes have these little panic attacks about it. Back home I don't have a friend group. I wish I did. I once did. I will not have what I had/have here in Michigan.
In Michigan I went through some of the hardest times of my life and some of the greatest times in my life. I learned in my classes. I learned with my friends. My friends found me. I did not find them. I cried my most in Michigan and I also laughed the most here. I have thought about staying. If I could find a job. And then thought about how many of my friends will be moving to different places...or already have. I get really sad. Because there isn't a solution. I just have to stick it out with whatever happens.
Christmas break was amazing. I spent it with my family. With my brothers, my dad, my sister-n-laws, and my niece. I had the best of times. It felt like for once in my life my entire family was happy. That we have grown so much over the past 5 years. I look at each of them and see the life in their eyes. I wonder if the next Christmases will be the same. I've missed them each dearly.
One thing came out of the break was that I reconnected with my sister-n-law allison. I think it has to deal with the fact that I am getting older and maturing, haha. But anyways, to me it was awesome and just kinda magical. I really appreciated the time we had. I'm a bit different than my family. I dress differently and I'm interested in some different things. Though when you connect with your family...its magic. At times we just work to get along and it shouldn't be that way. We should just get along.
As the holidays pass and the world moves into it's daily routine, stop and look at the people around you. The people you surrond yourself with. Every single one of them. If they are worth it hold them close and never let go. Because a holiday isn't meant to be spent alone. But to be spent with family no matter if they are blood related or not. I'm going to hold onto my Michigan family as long as I can and as long as they will let me.
I don't have any resolutions that are elaborate or complex. Though I do have one. It is to have no regrets. Going into the rest of the school year with a positive and moving forward kind of attitude. I know once this last semester is over, my life will be strange. I sometimes have these little panic attacks about it. Back home I don't have a friend group. I wish I did. I once did. I will not have what I had/have here in Michigan.
In Michigan I went through some of the hardest times of my life and some of the greatest times in my life. I learned in my classes. I learned with my friends. My friends found me. I did not find them. I cried my most in Michigan and I also laughed the most here. I have thought about staying. If I could find a job. And then thought about how many of my friends will be moving to different places...or already have. I get really sad. Because there isn't a solution. I just have to stick it out with whatever happens.
Christmas break was amazing. I spent it with my family. With my brothers, my dad, my sister-n-laws, and my niece. I had the best of times. It felt like for once in my life my entire family was happy. That we have grown so much over the past 5 years. I look at each of them and see the life in their eyes. I wonder if the next Christmases will be the same. I've missed them each dearly.
One thing came out of the break was that I reconnected with my sister-n-law allison. I think it has to deal with the fact that I am getting older and maturing, haha. But anyways, to me it was awesome and just kinda magical. I really appreciated the time we had. I'm a bit different than my family. I dress differently and I'm interested in some different things. Though when you connect with your family...its magic. At times we just work to get along and it shouldn't be that way. We should just get along.
As the holidays pass and the world moves into it's daily routine, stop and look at the people around you. The people you surrond yourself with. Every single one of them. If they are worth it hold them close and never let go. Because a holiday isn't meant to be spent alone. But to be spent with family no matter if they are blood related or not. I'm going to hold onto my Michigan family as long as I can and as long as they will let me.
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