If you can control it then change it

I'm 27. I do not have my whole life together at all. I might be your typical 27 year old though I am not married nor have I ever been. I do not have kids. I do not have a luxurious job where I can have paid vacations and benefits.
Though to be honest I have chosen this life to a certain degree. I have been hearing a lot from my friends say that they want a "big girl job". A lot of times I don't really get that. Or what makes a big job a big job?

Paid vacation
benefits
set hours
actual breaks
making more than 20,000 a year

Why do we want that? Is it a form of security? Is it because maybe we care at the bar, restaurant, or brewery and the others around us don't? Honestly, I don't really know other than having something reliable and full of security.

I am trying everyday to make my life push forward and be filled with security. Though what I have learned is that what I want is a huge task. However, when I compare what I want with my friends' it's nothing different.
I'm going to own a LGBTQ bar. I want trans, non-binary, gay, lesbian, queer, bi, and whatever else you identify with to work there and be apart of it. This dream has pushed me to be other things.

This dream pushes me to start really being on top of my student loans so much so that my credit score has soared within a year and even a few months. It has pushed me to have conversations with people that I would never have. This dream is more than a dream to me...it has been my inspiration. And dear lord I hope it works out.

As I think about this and how slowly it will take...that's ok. Because my drive is making me a better responsible human being. I had the paid vacation, benefits, actual breaks, and definitely not a great salary (but thats not the point). I've never lived super comfortably and I'm not sure right now I want to.

I am tired of people pushing this idea of a norm in our society of when you should have a "real" job. Of when you should be working during the week and not on weekends. Of when you should stop waking up at 10am and start waking up at 8am. When you should have kids and with whom. People I think need to start realizing that finding something that makes you happy and content is what matters. This whole nuclear family scenario isn't really anymore and shouldn't take a precedence in your life.

I'm tired of that. We shouldn't be outcasting ourselves anymore. Remember some people work to live and others live to work. Make sure you chose the right one for yourself and shift the weight in your life so you feel more stable. If you can control it then change it.

My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people

I have not written in this blog for two years.
My excuse? I jumped outside of my head and onto the pavement. I literally found a voice outside of my head. It took years to understand that I am not shy, I am only highly "choosy" of who I talk to.

I think I would like to write more in this blog. I have had it for years so why stop?
I'm back I guess?
Who called this to my attention? Breea. She said she kept refreshing it to see if I ever wrote anything more in it. Well, here I am Breea writing hopefully you refresh soon.

I usually would use this blog to get these intense thoughts out of my head and into the vortex of the internet. A question that needed to be answered would circle in my mind for weeks until I would settle on an answer. So it is back to learning about the universe.

Let me update you on what has happened over the course of two years. I left the mental health hospital where I worked. I decided to become a bartender. I have also decided to open up a queer bar. I am no where near ashamed of my sexuality. I find myself to be spiritual but not religious. That is a true conundrum for some people to understand. I'm here for you to judge me right? NO, the answer is no but we all know you are going to anyways.

Any who now that you know every single detail of my life in the most cut throat synopsis let's move on.

I will have several grammatical errors. If you hate it then correct the grammar and let me know. I should care but having ADD and growing up in a private christian school isn't a helpful thing whatsoever.

Now that you are caught up as old and new readers we shall move on to the good stuff.

I love differently than most. Why? Because I am not like everyone else. Or so I like to think. My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people. Another reason why I haven't written in so long is because my anxiety has lessen quite a bit, hence being outside of my head. That alien in the sea of people was very real. Though as I get older I feel like I'm with a bunch of aliens in a sea of people.
I mean I got a fucking hammer tattoo with one of my best friends. That bunch of aliens has lessened my anxiety.

I used to be this girl that was fumbling through life. Absolutely fumbling and fumbling with other people. What I have noticed is we tend to find people similar to us to run life with. What I didn't notice until this week is that we also tend to find people that love similar to us. One of the best ways to know who you are in life is from a break up.

YES, I said it. I've had a few in my life whether it was a years time or months...or weeks. I have heard the same thing countless of times. "Brenna, you are real, solid, compassionate, loyal, and one of the most genuine persons I know." Of course after that they break up with me haha. It has all worked out for the better truly. And I don't have harsh feelings or oh I'm so alone. But that seriously feels amazing to look back at. Those characteristics of me is how I love.

So yes, I love in a way that if I say I am there...I am freakin there. I mean the things I say. I rarely say before I think and if I do I have learned the massive amounts of trouble I get in.

Some people may feel differently to me and if you do and if I have done wrong to you...know I am sorry. You may have captured a piece of me that was out of place. That piece that was forming into a person.

This blog is not about politics or what the hell is happening to our country. It is about my way of pushing out the pieces that are a person and filling it in with pieces of an alien. Conforming has never been my strong suit.

Are you ready to take this adventure? Get in the depths of my soul? This is your chance. And if not I always have my readers that seem to be Latin America.

Connections Should Never Be Abused

I am not sure how life moves in such a motion. Or why some have choices and others don't. There has been thoughts that have been pounding my brain for weeks and weeks. Connection doesn't always fall in your lap. It isn't something to be learned or something that you can just obtain. Connection just happens. However, some people don't always accept it or they abuse it.

For the past few months I have felt used or absorbed by people, a connection gone wrong. A connection manipulated. I tend to be this fill in person. This person that gives you all this attention and emotions. When that connection is evident I have a hard time seeing the other stuff. I get distracted in that fairytale scenario. I do stupid things to keep the connection lasting.

I have felt like a fill in girlfriend/boyfriend for a bit now. If you have ever been queer you know being someone's, who is same sexed, desired choice partner is never fun. It involves a lot of work. It involves a lot of patience. It involves a lot of you. Being a fill in girlfriend is the same thing which is pretty ironic. Connections should never be abused. I'm just sad it took me so long to understand this. Connections are meant to be fulfilling and spirited.

I've never felt so good about myself and who I am. I'm going through a pretty strange stage in my life right now. It has taken me awhile to fully grow up and deal. I have worked on myself to no end and have tried to become the best me as much as possible. I'm tired of the open ended relationships and the friendships that are occasionally there. I'm tired of the lies and deceit. I'm exhausted by people's bullshit.

Over the past few months I have obtained a friendship I thought would never happen. There was a lot of hurt feelings and bad moves when we first met. I see her almost every day now. I've never had someone be so confrontational and real before. She has taught me a lot about my self-worth and has developed my existing qualities into foundational pieces of myself. It's interesting how a toxic connection can transition into a beautiful connection. No lies, no deceit, no harm, no disrespect...

I've had a wild ride with life and there is no wonder that trauma was apart of that. I haven't been the best human in life. It has taken me years to get inside my head that things had to change. It's slow but it's there. Things haven't worked out with people for a reason. Sometimes it was my own fault, sometimes it was their's, and sometimes it was just plain mutual.

I hope that someday I meet that person and it's a no brainer that we are meant to be on both ends. The organic-ness of everything just moves like nature. However, for now I'm not going to be a fill in. It's pathetic. It's just gross and unfathomable for myself. I am better than that. I am not going to be dragged into a whirlwind of satisfying someone else and with no reciprocation. I can certainly be content on my own and intend to be until that one enters in or if they have already.

When you find yourself...don't lose yourself. Hold on to you and what makes you you. Filter out that bad. Make real connections with people and work on it with them. Don't let that fade away. I can't let connections go sometimes...but now when they turn sour I have to. I'm just tired of being lied to.

I wonder at times what if I am suppose to be just me...and then I think really hope not. I thrive on connections way too much for it to not be a thing. Solo Dolo. I'll always be there for those connections that aren't going anywhere but filling in just can't be done anymore.

Well, honestly sometimes I feel like I am an alien

I am me and no one else.
I am me and I do not have to be anyone else.
I am reserved but kind.
I am anxious but I am ready.
I am sensitive but I am honest.

I have been having this conversation with one of my best friends over a course of months. It has been stuck in my mind since November. I experienced a form of a break up that really impacted me. It was something that really makes you look at people and wonder.
I have a constant thought in my head that is, I do not understand people. I do not understand how they work or why they work the way they do.

Communication and honesty are the number ones in a relationship in my mind. I will struggle if I do not have these. They have been produced to be number ones because of past failing relationships...I actually am not really sure. Time and time again I get into things and do not understand how they get all confusing. I do not understand why people can't be honest. Life to me seems easier that way.

I have learned that I am very sensitive. I have learned that I am very private. I have learned that I get along with almost anyone. I have learned that when I start caring and allow myself to it isn't half assed. Because I am sensitive I protect myself from others and keep my feelings private and hardships out of sight.

Introspection.
It should never be not a thing.

I will inspect my heart and mind over and over again. I will take what people say about me and see if they are right. I do not enjoy critic but I do accept it. My life seems to be going faster and faster however all I want to do is to improve myself...and see people for who they are.

But yet I do not understand people. I do not understand why people have to be mean, rude, insensitive, and dishonest. I understand that hurt will forever be in people. I understand that I have the capability to be completely mean, rude, insensitive, and dishonest. I just try not to be. SO I've been trying to be quiet when I feel like I am going to be like that. I have also tried to be more honest and outspoken about how I feel.

Human.
When does saying I am only Human stop being an excuse?

I am sorry I am only human...Well, honestly sometimes I feel like I am an alien. An alien in a human's body trying to adapt to this world. Trying to understand why people have to be like people. It isn't guns, laws, government, churches, schools, and etc that is wrong with this world, it is people. They are not only the problem but the answer as well.

I am an alien. For you to figure out and for myself to figure out you. I will never be perfect. I am another alien in the sea of people.

Dear Mother's Day Nurturing Comes in All Forms

Dear Mother's Day,

I have learned to love you. I couldn't stand you for the longest time however. The way you present yourself in May catches everyone by surprise. Mothers are always busy and sometimes forget. Children tend to be reminding fathers and older siblings. Mothers are reminding mothers. I remember when I hated you. I hated you because you made it aware that my mother is in heaven.

Though over the years that have gone by I have realized that I love you, Mother's Day. Did you know you are the holiday that the church attendance is almost as high as the Christmas service? And that Father's Day is least attended...It took me awhile to understand that mothers come in all forms. Care comes in all forms. Nurturing comes in all forms.

I used to think that because I didn't have a mom anymore I couldn't celebrate you. I could remember my mom and pay tribute to her but I couldn't take her out to breakfast or make her some craft that she would enjoy. I couldn't spend the entire day with my mom doing whatever she wanted to do. I would though become jealous of people that had a living mom. I even became jealous of people that were moms.

Mother's Day you made me so sad in the past. You were an awful reminder of what I didn't have anymore. Mother's day you still make me sad but you also make me overjoyed. I think of my sister-n-laws who are now mothers. How brave, courageous, strong, resilient, unstoppable, and humble they are. I think about my friend's mothers...knowing some may not be the best but how blessed I am that their child is my friend because they gave birth to them or they were the ones who mothered them. I think about the ones who mothered and keep showing their mother qualities to me. I think about my father who has had to change and require some motherly skills. I think about the ones who don't have mothers or their mother isn't the greatest human. I'm not glad that I was given the ability to sympathize with them. I am glad that I can sympathize with them.

Mother's day you remind me that I have a lot of work to do in order to be the amazing mother my Mom was to me. I realize a lot of the times my blog focuses on the issue of my Mom's death. It is because that event has impacted me in a way only a handful will understand.
Mother's day you remind me how amazing my Mom was and this is how amazing she was:

She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 4. I believe she was 36. For the next 13 years of her life she battled the on and off again fight of cancer. At the beginning of the diagnoses she was given I believe a year or maybe 2 to live. She is considered a miracle. She raised 5 children and lost one at the age of 4. She worked part time and still managed to decorate a beautiful home, have a wonderful home cooked dinners and desserts practically every night (when we were given meals when she was recovering from treatment or surgery, we would complain that it wasn't her cooking), she wrangled all 4 children to clean the house and do yard work every Saturday, she danced in the kitchen and blared Celine Dion, she would set new clothes on my bed when I got home, she attended my last volleyball game even though she was in a wheelchair, she was amazing at making anyone feel loved and appreciated...the list goes on in how this woman was a warrior.

Mother's Day I appreciate you being a holiday because if you weren't there I wouldn't be able to celebrate my saint of a mom or the people in my life that have mothered me along this journey with my own mom.

Love,
Brenna

This week I would like to take each day as a day to appreciate someone.This life is too insane not too. There are incredible people all around you and even the ones you might not be on good terms with...they are incredible too. We often think of these holidays as something that is so constricting and it can only fit one mold. That is highly untrue. We can make this holiday into whatever we need realistically.What I do know for certain is that I will be celebrating my Mom and the ones who have mothered me along the way.

I was this human that wasn't human but a shell. I was a vessel for toxic tendencies.

I'm an observer. It is something that has portrayed me as shy and quiet. However, if I am comfortable with you and have plenty of sleep I am not shy and quiet. I like to watch people and listen to people. I presume that people don't always find this as true. I do not ask people to understand me. I ask people to not assume.

When I first start to get involved with someone I tend to be hyper aware but intrigued at the same time. Talking about myself, like most people, comes easy to me although opening up about the dark corners of my heart and mind are troubling. I get attached easy. I want to relate as well. Though opening those dark corners is opening myself up in ways not many people receive.

I recently got out of a relationship a bit ago. I'm not one to over analyze too much but I am one to try and understand what happened and how did it happen. I started to not feel heard. I started to feel as though my problems were not big enough to be heard. My heart retracted and started to detach. I drew back and started to observe again, to understand the situation. It was already too late. Things happen to us and we instantly argue and think that it is the other person's fault. Oddly enough, it so could happen to be that the issue was mutual.

When someone critics my character, life choices, personality, and the like I want to change it for the better whether it is true or not. I become quiet and observe in my own life at my own self. I look around and see how people interact with me. I have dealt with a lot of anger in my life and it doesn't suit me anymore. It impinges my heart in a way that I can't stand.

A simplistic lifestyle is something I enjoy. Admittedly, I like the expensive things and all the tasty foods but I find when I cultivate simplistic values and experiences I am more happy. It is a viewpoint that can change your world view dramatically.

The pain I have felt and have had to deal with is a lot to say the least. My story is my story. When I work with my patients, kids and teenagers who are mentally unstable, I see my younger self sometimes. The scary thing is I could of benefited from going to intense therapy or maybe even a partial program at a mental health hospital. There were times were I couldn't think clearly for more than a hour. I was this human that wasn't human but a shell. I was a vessel for toxic tendencies.

It has only been three years that I have felt me. I have experienced the real me. I find that relationships have been easier to build and maintain. I have two people in my life that I cannot imagine life without. They have seen me at my worse, have felt my worse, seen my best, have felt my best, and have guided me. My love for them is a great and empowering love.

I have been observing again. I've been observing people I once knew only a month ago. I'm observing people I just met. I have been observing how people relate to me and I relate to them. I have been observing how people dissociate and associate to pain in their own lives. It has taught me that change is possible and a human is complex. It takes more than a few months or even a year to fully know a human. I can't judge a human in my life solely on a few months of knowing them. I wouldn't want that for myself.

I believe the best way to get to really know someone and who they are is to see how they deal with pain. In that you will find how resilient they are, how determined, how resourceful, how spiritual, how loving and caring, and how their body heals mentally...what being healthy is for them.

Trauma doesn't understand healing.

Beauty and honesty can go hand in hand. There is beauty in honesty and honesty in beauty. This is something I've been trying to write for years and years but there never seemed a right time until now. 

4:09am. I’ve woken up between 3am and 4am for years now. It’s my fears and tears still trickling in. Somehow now I can’t shake it off. In October it will be 9 years. When I was living on the coastline in the sunshine there was this timeline that has forever impacted me. It sometimes prevents me to make contact with the most simplest interactions. 

4:09am. My brother woke me up. 4:09am my brother woke me up on October 31st, 2007. It wasn’t to prepare for all those early trick or treaters. But it definitely felt like a trick, like weighted bricks on my back ready to somehow attack me to the point that I wake up now between 3am and 4am every night. 

She would make me one of my favorite desserts. Combining egg whites with cake batter to make me angel food cake. Hearing her chatter in the kitchen to some best friend for hours. Outside in the sunshine I would be picking flowers for her to say I was sorry for splattering the batter all over the floor. 

She nicknamed me precious and called me the icing on her cake. Once in awhile I would let her dress me in pink and think thats what I wanted…though all that would happen would be a bellyache growing inside me. I was her little girl, her only girl. I wasn’t allowed to like girls. 

4:09am I woke up to my brother saying “It’s time.” He couldn’t utter the words, for saying She’s dead, she died, it happened, forms an instant stutter in your mouth like peanut butter incrusted on your lips. You dip into this mood that forms an eternal feeling of feeling like your unveiling your deepest self every time someone asks “Where does your mom live?” “What does she do for a living?"

After dinner, my dad asked me if I was willing to give my mom a shower. A tower of the most uncomfortable feelings surrounded me. The cancer spread from her breast to her hip to her lungs to her brain. I wasn’t trained for this. I didn’t understand this. 16 and showering the vomit from your mother’s body. Her mind was losing control only to show me tell me with smile before I showered her, “It’s like your my mother now.” 

When trauma sets in with a warning or not, the impact is an attack for your entire life. Cutting in like a serrated knife and trying to gain friction to get away from the affliction and constriction. Oh, Momma there is always this drama in my life. I’ve been in a coma, this comatose state. I let depression hit me like a freight train that I couldn’t tame for years. I got my diploma like I said. I forgot your aroma and the sound of your voice. I make choices sometimes that hurt the ones around me only to ground me so no one gets too close. I break down and bring down, let down because trauma…doesn’t understand healing. 

When I was 16, 4 in the morning was her last breath on Halloween. Trauma. Tragic trauma. It has made me strong and create these bonds with certain humans. It has made me frustrate and deflate others. I’m tragically imperfect and I don’t need your verdict to know. But yes this is me, this is my circuit. I try to rewire and resurface myself because trauma doesn’t understand healing. Healing understands feelings even the most unappealing feelings. So yes I am selfish because one day you will die too and I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.