October already has been a bit anxious. It is warm here in Michigan and it reminds me of California going into fall. The days are still hot but the nights are cool. I wonder how the ocean feels right about now. Fall is an interesting time for me. The month of October brings a lot of triggers to my life. I only spent one fall in California since my mom passed. So after I was 16 I've spent every fall in Michigan. It is certainly beautiful during this time of year.
I had a very hard time in college after my moms death. I was a tornado and hurricane. My feelings were up and down like the waves. I never hated myself, I just hated my emotions. It has taken me years to recover. College is a evidence for that.
Lately, I've been wanting to have guidance from my mom. She has always been my guiding light. I recently watched a film and in it there was a concept that was revealed. You do not stop getting to know someone after they die unless you stop paying attention to them. That rings very true. There are so many things I wish I could ask my mom but sometimes I find the answer in myself. She was my mother...I am her child. I'm similar to her even if I am also similar to my dad.
There are many things I wish I could tell her now and discuss with her. However, I cannot do so. Though if I listen closely I can hear her in the choices I make. I can hear her in the warm breeze that ruffles my hair. I can hear her clapping and dance as I do in the kitchen. I can feel her peach fuzz across my cheek whenever I feel mine.
It is funny because when Michigan changes in seasons I remember a lot more of what has happened in the last 8 or so years. Those memories aren't very good but I do find my gems. I find things that I cherish and they usually involve my loves. My loves meaning my friendships...
Connections have always taunted me in a way. I thrive off of them and usually get bored without them. Connections drive us. I found this passage from John Welwood and it is called Soul Connections. "A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion." I fall heavy on this. The passage compares a heart connection with a soul connection and how the connection is far deeper and overall healthier. I've only had this with a few people in my life. Though one of the persons is my mom.
Some people hate their moms or their moms just aren't good people. I feel my soul connection with my mom even though she isn't physically here anymore.
Halloween is strange. The day my mother passed. Fitting isn't it? I kinda like that its on that day. For me it just pulls all together. At first I hated it but I've learned to not fight it. When the season changes to fall I feel a flood of emotions. I filter through them and weed out the "dumb" ones. My life is chaotic most of the time but I honestly wouldn't know what to do if it settled down. So I will listen to weird halloween music and watch scary movies. I will light pumpkin candles and eat pumpkin pie. I will become reserved but just enough for myself to process.
If you have ever experienced a traumatic event never rush your process and never for guilty for crying. Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.
My mother I miss you every day and there hasn't been day that I haven't thought of you. You are my light. You are my hero. I will keep getting to know you as the days pass. I love you.
