As I am living through life my journeys are becoming more than experience but validation. Of course there are lessons that are exposed still but validation is certainly real. My trip back home was very interesting.
When I went home I had no idea what to expect. I knew that my time there would go by very fast. It was very special to have one of my good friends with me along for the journey. Her ease and calmness eased and calmed me down in stressful situations. Going home is a very loaded phrase.
I journey back to the place where my mom physically exists. The walls in the house were touched by her hands. The notes in her handwriting are tucked away in boxes. Her decorations pulled from the walls and stored in old bedrooms. The sadness is soaked into the furniture. It seems easier to avoid it all but it really isn't. I love the house but the memories weigh it down.
Going back to San Diego validated me that moving back to Grand Rapids was a good decision. Even though moving back was for guy, it still ended up being a good idea. I'm very happy that I realized this. I also realized that I can't live in the suburbs just yet. The city, however big it is, still has my heart.
There was a card my mom gave me on her last birthday. It's a very true and sad card. She wrote about how proud she was of me and apologized for having cancer. Two months later she passed away. I think she knew she was dying. I think she wanted to use this card as her final words to me. I think it was impossible to admit to her kids head on that she was dying. She never wrote a thank you card to me for anything except for this time. She always used her words. When I read it this past week I knew I was going cry before I even read it. That card made me feel the present, past, and future all at once. It gave me validation for where I am heading in life. The past still believes in my pursuits.
I am me and losing sight of who I am is death to me. I do not want to be persuaded by falsehoods. This life is crazy as it is and making rash decisions isn't so much my thing anymore. I will be spontaneous in other aspects of my life.
Figuring out who you are is what life is about. We are too busy figuring out life when life in us has to be figured out first. When we learn how we ourselves respond to situations, events, and other people, I think we can then start to figure out why we were put on this Earth. I am creative, thoughtful, fearful, stubborn, alive, a bit damaged, aggressive, easily frustrated, concerned, respectful, loved, slowly learning, rash, hopeful, and so many other things. I think me as a whole creates Brenna. I am designed and created to do a certain life. I know that it involves people, art, and adventure. What a life...
I struggle a lot of times because I feel very deeply. I get confused by my emotions a lot of times. I have had to learn how to prove what lies and truths I tell myself. One emotion that has a grasp on me so strong is fear. When my mom passed away fear doubled in size. It has taken me so much time and work to handle and disprove the fear. I have had to be very intentional on how to handle my emotions and force logic into it all. I know that so many people do not struggle with deep emotions. In the past I felt very foreign to my family and friends. I felt like I had way too many problems. That idea of myself was a lie. I am me. I am Brenna. If I have to work hard at bettering myself then so be it. I am unique. Life is unique in every perspective.
To have validation is very important to me in many ways. It is most important from my family and friends. So when I read that thank you card I felt so much validation from my mom. How incredibly cool is that. Her words from the past has spoken more to me now than it did in the moment that I first read that card. I am thankful for it and encouraged.
