I'm always wanting to improve myself. I think it is important to do at what ever stage you are at in life. Right now I am in a stage of life that most people say it's one of the hardest times in your life, your twenties. Everyone generally runs into it.
I've been trying to push myself and to see something more. Lately, I have been trying to dive into the love of the Lord. I wasn't being a "Beloved" even though it is tattooed on my wrist. It is funny how simple to extreme events can change your view of situations.
Today during church, I had a very impactful moment. The pastor was a guest pastor...he was incredible. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, that cliche moment.
I felt something with someone this past year that I haven't felt with anyone. It didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to. In a sense it was like going back to the drawing board. Stepping back and trying to see what went wrong and then stepping back into life. I thought I would feel better by seeing other people but at the end of each experience I just felt a little bit more alone. I realized today that if I put that much energy into the grace of God...I might feel less alone.
At first I thought that this void may be the fact that Mother's Day is approaching. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I hate every commercial that talks about Mother's Day. The Hallmark holiday that I despise. Every now and then I think about what kind of advice she might give me. I reside in the positiveness when I think of her. I try to implement her in most of my life. She was a real woman of God.
With this mixture of feelings I realized I was sad today. The overwhelming kind of sadness that makes you a bit tearful. I've never found home in houses, places, or anything material in that matter. I find home in people and my Lord. I realized that I haven't prayed about job applying and the only thing I did was the internship that I basically have. Unpaid internship but it still happened.
I suppose next Sunday I might have some knots in my stomach. I suppose I need to continue "dating" my main squeeze Jesus. I'm not in the mood to dwell or be engulfed by life's troubles. There are moments in life that I forget I'm 23. I for some reason think I'm invincible to life's hardships. There was a devotional passage I read last week. It said to use Easter as a holiday for grief. In the terms of recognizing your grief and celebrating the very idea that it can be lifted. At the age of 23 I connected with that passage. I felt what Mary Magdalene and Martha felt, the grief, and then I felt the Easter happiness. Sometimes I have this feeling as though holidays are unnecessary in the Christian world because we should be calling attention to these events in every day life, not just one day out of the year. However, I disagree with my past self now. Holidays of this kind are needed. Needed to be celebrated. Easter is my favorite holiday because I learned what that day meant at an early age.
My blog entries may start out very sad and troubling but they seem to always end with a "happy ending". I try not to be swallowed by life's emptiness and then presume to be swallowed by the life that God created. I'm not good at this whatsoever but oh boy I'm I trying. When I try to embrace God I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more. Figure that out?
So for now I am on the hunt for a mentor. If you know of any don't be afraid to message me.
