This might be my way of dealing with whatever is going on or maybe not dealing with it. I’m not sure. I asked one of my best friends if my blog entries were sad and depressing because people will message me and ask me if everything is alright and etc. She said no because its about struggles, something that people tend to not share and you are sharing that. I’ll take her word for it because most of times when I write my blog entries it’s because whatever happened already happened and is in the process of being dealt with. You, the reader, do not hear about the good times or you don’t necessarily see the good in my struggles. Now before I go on I do have a disclaimer. This blog entry will seem sad maybe very sad. Although it isn’t entirely actually. It is my life and something that will be apart of my life till I die. It follows me where ever I go. It is the entry about my mom.
I tend to write this entry (once a year) mostly for myself when it becomes close to Halloween. It frees me from the thoughts that I didn’t know I had. However, I am noticing it has become an useful tool in allowing people to get to know me on a level that is hard to open up about.
Every year I come to this month of October. Every year it has been very different. Every year it has gotten better and better. The third time this month came around after my mom passed away I went into this intense depression. I shut out the world and let in the vile creatures that lived outside of it. Vile creatures, I don’t ever want to see them again. I had this traumatic night when it set off things inside me that were horrible and terrifying. I was messaging the best friend that I spoke of earlier. The conversation went wrong and I eluded to suicide then shut off my computer. I put on my jacket and took a scarf then went outside. I could feel the devil taunting me. I called someone that I thought I would never call. We spoke and after I felt better. But my phone was going off from my friends who were so worried about me. The third year...the shock or numbness finally dissolved and left me. I became real with what I had in front of me. I was alone and distant from my family. I was in a place I was semi familiar with. That was a very dramatic and intense time in my life that I do not want to experience again. I am terrified of that time in my life. It was something that lead me to the deep end.
This October. I can feel the crisp air on my face and my eyes are amazed by the colors of the leaves. The air smells fresh and I can feel winter knocking at the door...ready to come in. I can enjoy pumpkin carving even when I do mess up. I can start planning somewhat of what I want to be for Halloween. I became proactive and took work off on Halloween. I felt sad a few days ago. So I cried and then woke up with a smile. If living will be like this then I can handle it. I’ll take it. I’ve finally accepted that I’m an introvert. I do not get energized from people. They actually drain me. I can sit in my house for a few hours without having people over or me going to them. I don’t think I can express enough how awesome that feels. Being alone and not feeling lonely.
My brother Brandon woke me up on October 31st, 2007 at 4:09am. All he said to me was “It’s time.” I knew what those two words meant and he left my room as soon as he said them. I put socks on and went to the “nice” room where my mom’s hospital bed was. She laid there...lifeless. She laid there and I could feel that her soul was gone. It’s ironic now that I saw death on Halloween. This is the first time that I find it quite amusing in a very dark comedy way. My family will make jokes time to time. They are pretty inappropriate jokes about my mom, death, and the present together. It helped us and helps us deal with it. Last October it was the day of Halloween and it was the first time I went out in the States for Halloween, the first time I went out on Halloween after my mom passed was in Spain. Daniela and I were sitting on her bed. I let her in the most I have ever let someone in. I don’t remember the exact words at all. But she made an inappropriate dead mom joke. I knew at that point we were family, where ever we would be in life. I laughed so hard at the joke. It was hilarious.
October 2013 is good. I’m just breaking even every month for bills. Its painful but it is the best incentive to make it to graduate school and finish. I live in a semi shaddy neighborhood but the house is awesome and the church across the street is always full. The church makes me feel like I am in Europe again. All the people that go there are walking around all the time nicely dressed. I’m dating an awesome guy who is as stubborn as me. I’ve realized that I invented a recipe. My friends are calling it Brenna’s Potatoes. I also have been noticing that I love a clean living environment. I need the house clean or else. Something that is very interesting has been coming alive in me also. I have being paying attention to things I do. Some of my traits, quirks, and characteristics are like my mom’s. The cleaning...is one. The weird sense of what goes with what while cooking and making up recipes...granted I have not always known how to cook at all but I forced myself to. The stubbornness is a given. And the ambition to succeed in life in whatever form that is....is also from her. She may not be here. She may not be able to give me relationship advice. She may not be here to send me packages or sooth my cries. She may not be here to tell me how much I’ve grown. Though these things are true...the more I see her inside me and my siblings I feel as though she is. October 2013 is good.
