I fell in love with 11 people

I didn't have the moment of realization once things started to change. They all seemed different from me or just not my crowd for some reason. I didn't feel accepted until I accepted them. The process was quite quick however. It happened so fast that I am not sure I realized exactly what happen in the last two years. My past is cloudy and dusty. It has taken me years to sort through things that influenced who I am today. My feet seem to be tired some days although I keep pressing on. That is what they accepted and loved.

When I met them my world changed. Somehow some way we all connected in this unimaginable way. I felt as though I could be myself and being myself around such a large number of people. The most perfect or close to perfect thing in this world is to be understood and accepted. The most horrible thing in this world is to be misunderstood and not accepted.

There are many things in this world that cause us grief and uncertainty. When joy and certainty is found it is as if life is found, the meaning of life is found. I don't know if you have found that but when you do...it is pretty intense. It is when you finally understand what God's love is even if it is for a split second. They took my hand in my anger, grief, joy, and complete happiness. They held my hand when I wanted to scream. They acted like real raw human beings...and saw God's beauty in them. I saw honest and genuine beings. 

Kind eyes and relentless love. The excuses of parties and events just to see each other. Making every weekend seem like a holiday. Wanting the best for them in their studies or work but pressuring to just see them. Telling stories of the past and making memories for future story telling. You will have a place in my heart that will never be kept secret. I will decorate it with the most comfy blankets and pillows...for those afternoon naps.

For some reason when I feel the rain and warm air I think of you all. Something about how it makes me feel resembles the times we have had. We have seen each other at our worse and at our best. It is like rain in the middle of summer. Or it is like a summer day in the middle of winter.

I have a lot of wants and wishes. Some will be fulfilled and others simply won't. Though I will always want to have a day where we are all be together again. I will fight for it. I'm this hopeless romantic for my friends in ways they only understand. I cannot pull away or disengage even though I want nothing more but to get rid of this pain. I've felt greif and I will always feel grief. But pulling away from something that is still there in a sense makes no sense...It simply does not. Once you lose something you understand what fighting for is all about. It is about something bigger than yourself.

I fell in love. I fell in love with 11 people. Each one took my heart and nourished it. They won't give it back. I won't give their hearts back either.

My first goodbye was to my friend Jeremy when I left grand rapids. We actually had two goodbyes, haha that wasn't planned. The first goodbye I think I said goodbye to the whole group in my heart because after that goodbye the other goodbyes I detached from. I cried on the train a little but when I said goodbye to Jeremy everything felt very real. It was as if the curtain was removed and I saw my future. I saw a world that I didn't want. I built my home in your hearts. I built it very deep. When I see you I feel home. I feel for a period of time that I don't need to put up fronts or facade. I can be the person that I was meant to be.

I have two families. One family I was born into. One family I found myself in. When does that happen twice?

When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore.

I got home almost two weeks ago. When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore. I knew instantly and all my fears of life settled themselves inside my head. These fears I am not sure of anymore as I was terribly overwhelmed with life. I missed my friends. I missed the way the city woke up. I missed the way the air felt in my lungs. I missed the strangers. I missed hugging. I was told to settle in for a few weeks before making any irrational decisions. So I tried. Although I still feel I don't belong in California. The people here are very individualistic and very inward. Communities that provide life and growth are hard to find because you cannot feel it. I cannot feel it like I felt it in Grand Rapids. That city taught me about family and life.

I told a friend about how I felt and it was enlightening. She feels the same way but needs to be home for certain reasons. The churches here are very big we concluded. The might be for all the lost souls.

I always wondered why people stayed in Grand Rapids. I wondered why it was so appealing and remarkable. I didn't quite understand them until I myself when home to live. I moved here and yet I am a person with no heart because I left it in Grand Rapids. Its troubling to know that.

I need to get back on my feet. Pay bills. And then move back. That is my goal.

Since I have been home I have also felt a different feeling that I rarely feel. I feel useless. I feel as though I have no skills and even no skills in relationships. My head is on some other level for the moment. I hope I can change that soon. I need to adequate for this life that I have established. Did I lose something? Is that something confidence? I am not sure. I hope not. I will do anything in my power to find it.

So here I am to find myself in a new way growth. I shall work hard and be productive.

The funny thing is. I realize that if I go back to Grand Rapids...half of my friends will be there....but none at all I dont know. I just know that my heart isn't here in San Diego anymore. I've moved on.