The last month was something I cannot quite put into words. It is was blur of emotions for me. My heart was tugged in directions that were hard to say no to. I thought that saying goodbye would be ok. But in fact I haven’t said a goodbye like that in very long time. The moment when you realize how much you love someone is when you have to say goodbye.
That moment you realize that you would do anything or maybe nothing for them. Its this strange feeling you feel that lasts for a few seconds between you and that person. The hug feels like it should be infinite but it isn’t. The tighter you squeeze somehow signifies how much you love them. Then you can whisper anything you want into their ear and only they can hear it. You only want them to hear it.
This morning I had some hard goodbyes. Partly because I was so emotional from all the other goodbyes and I have known these people for 4 years. They saw me at my weakest and my strongest. They listened to my sob stories and held my hand when my head was too heavy for myself. I wish I could tell them in person how much I care for them...again and again and again.
When someone is gone...either if they have run away or left on their own terms...you realize the power of love. You realize that you would have their back and support them to no end. My “crew” means a lot to me. In ways that I can’t comprehend because they turned into family. I wish this stuff was easy but if it was easy then why would we have community?
I have a vague plan for the next few months. I am broke. SO broke. I spent my money wise but I couldn’t possible spend it too wise when I spent my last days in Grand Rapids. I hope that it was worth it because it felt worth it.
My plans might be vague but the support I have from my friends pushes me. To make that money to be used to see them again. I talked to some people about my friend group and its awfully strange. Apparently it is kinda rare to form the kind of friend group that I did in college. A range of 10-13 people saw me at my worse and my best. We discovered ourselves together and helped each other see who they really are. YOLO became this theme that became so ridiculous but made so much sense. We found each other late in the game but it didn’t matter.
Although my heart hurts and it feels so tangled in mush...I’m relaxed. You see your family, that is a written rule.
I have so many things ahead of me and so many plans to make. I’m excited to share them with my friends. I’m excited to live my dreams. I’m excited to use social media to its fullest because I still need them.
