This is my second to last day of undergrad. Tomorrow I use what knowledge I have in my head and force it down on two finals. My mind hasn't really stopped racing, it started racing about a month and half ago. I am thankful that today I don't have a final instead I can study my brains out and focus. Although my focusing has been a bit sidetracked lately.
Mother's Day really through me off. It came out of no where and it was like I was running into a wall with a blind fold on. I didn't even leave the house that day because I was studying but leaving would be too much work. Normally days like this aren't the worse but I usually prepare for them.
Today is a weird day. I'm exhausted from sleeping? I have no idea but I am so exhausted. Last night my brother texted and told me that my niece, Alaina, was sick and had to go to the ER. ER...I hate those letters so much. To some it might seem has refuge or a career but to me it is just another word for bad. Also today it is my brother Brent's birthday. He passed away when he was 4 but I wasn't alive to know him. I think he would of been 29 or 30. I'm not too sure. The list just keeps growing!
Yea all this stuff is hard, it has to happen during finals week of my last year of undergrad. Although as I look back on the last 4 years I have had a lot harder times. I have conquered so much in such a small time frame. Yes, I know my grades aren't the best. But I was also dealing with a whole lot at that time of my life.
I have changed a lot since that first year. I feel more confident. I have more to say and I say it when I feel like it. I guess in a lot of ways I have found myself. I talked to or had flings with guys...but never completely dated someone in college. I didn't get my MRS degree. I didn't want to. I couldn't of...I was too busy finding myself.
I could say that this week is bullshit and I hate it. I wish I could skip this coming weekend and just ignore it. However, I can't. This week means a lot to me...this weekend means a lot to me. When my mom was dying I had made a few promises to her. I already fulfilled one of those promises. The second promise was to graduate from college. I'm doing it mom. I'm graduating. Every part of me wishes you were here. I wish I could hold your hand again and compare how similar our hands are. I wish you could meet my friends...the ones that helped me so much...but you can't. And because you can't...I have become a more independent, caring, thoughtful, and loving person. I wish I could of done it with you here but that is ok, its ok now.
Life holds onto you if you let it. It will drag you down so far. You have to learn to shake it off...and move past it. Learning to live seems like an easy thing in life...but I think it's actually pretty hard. Learning to live is a hard challenge because if you let the hard stuff control and run your life...you will get nowhere. The only destination you will arrive at is misery.
Sometimes I want to give up because it would be easier than trying. However lately its been harder to give up because trying is easier.
