I have no choice but to hug life right back

I haven't written something thought provoking in awhile. I have settled for things that I have just repeated time and time again. However in this moment of time I am ready to unload some things. In a better sense document what I have been going through.

For the last month I have been struggling. Struggling in a new sense though. My stress has overtaken my thoughts and the way I am perceiving. I feel now that I have some type of hold on it. In a few weeks I will be graduating from college. I suppose this is some kind of life changing event...

The work load I have been given and taken on is a lot. Papers, projects, relationships, shifts in life, and new issues have been rising to the surface of my life. Lately, I have also realized how similar I am to my dad. We seem to be dealing with the same prohibiting personality traits at the same time. For the first time in a long time I feel as though he is taking care of me and I am not taking care of him.

I'm a perfectionist. I do not have this type A personality per se but I am a perfectionist in my own life. I want to control what goes on in my life in my way. My way isn't the best way but I like it. As you might have realized is that this way of being promotes some hardships.

I like to put my whole self into things...school doesn't allow me to do that. I have to spread myself from subject to class to home. Only parts of me are available. And guess what? I have so much going on in my life right now that I can only give a few percents of myself to each thing.

This results in me not sleeping. At first I wouldn't fall asleep until 5 in the morning...the next day. As you can imagine this through me off from everything, to my relationships to attending classes. It was hard to focus and it was hard to be there for people because I wasn't there for myself. I have changed some things...

I have changed or in the process of changing how I feel, think, and act. One of the biggest things I had to change and probably the most protruding...is my mom. This 'issue' that keeps coming up in my life no matter what. My mom won't be at my graduation. She won't be there when I get my dress. She won't be there holding my hand. She won't be there to take a picture with me in the scorching heat. She won't be there.

Sometimes I feel like a kid whose parent is in jail or something. How they could of been there if....fill in the blank...but they won't be. There could be possibility but they chose not to come. That is a thought I have changed. She won't be there because she is dead. However if she wasn't she would be there...and she would probably stress me out with choices and obligations. I would have to take out my lip ring and the plugs in my ears. I would of had to choose a dress that we both like...oh my gawd...I would of gone crazy.

I am not a motherless woman. I am woman that has a mother, she is dead. I am still me and I am still great. I have flaws, flaws that I work on. I struggle through life like anyone else. I relate with people who have lost a parent. I relate to people who have had grief in their life.

I am going through a life change. A change in my life that is real and there. I am not a copy of someone else but I am me. I struggle...but I make it worth while. This is life and once again it is opening it's arms wide and embracing me.....and I have no choice but to hug life right back.

I need to be honest because at this point honesty hurts way less than hiding it.

Prime stress.
4 papers and little time to complete all 4. Stresses of life settling their way into my cracks. Abundant things in every corner.

Though the cool thing about this is getting to really know yourself. I have molded and developed into a different person since my freshman year of college. Comparing the two side by side, is unreal to me to think about. I'm just so different. I've tried to find myself and it didn't really work out well. So I just went with the flow and natural I started to come to the surface.

When high stress periods come now I am starting to realize who I am through them. It is very interesting. I turn aggressive and lose a bit of my kindness along the way. Strangely, I don't even try to do this. It just kind of happens. My energy gets absorbed by the papers and the projects. There just isn't enough emotions to pass around or so it seems.

I have to set aside my stress and frustrations. I have to put them in boxes no matter how big they are or how small they are. They have their space...and their space isn't taped shut or even exposed. It is just in it's spot. Because once that all gets tangled with other unrelated things; trouble has started.

For some reason I snapped at some people that I love in the past few days. It is as though I have lost some control for some brief seconds and the beast is released. I don't know. But that is what it feels like.

So in these moments I realize who I am in certain scenarios. When some one is neurotic or has some sort of pathology...they act the same in every place you put them. They act the same at a party, coffee break, hanging out, being around friends, etc. Their response to situations they are put in or put themselves in are the same. That used to be the case for me...but now it is different.

For the last year or so I have been experiencing a new me. At times it is very exciting and other times it is very frustrating. Because it is like getting to know myself all over again. I suppose this is the traditional way of growing up, I am not sure. I am sure that I feel like I have a pile of clay in front of me...and it is my job to decide what I want to remove or shape. Decision making, it is a very interesting topic. We make decisions every day from the clothes we wear to the statements we say to friends. Our world around us has the power to manipulate us or bring us closer to the truth.

When my stress is very high, it interferes with my sleep. that is the point when I know that my stress is bad. It has to be dealt with. This is the point where I need to be honest because at this point honesty hurts way less than hiding it.

I see my life and I see how it affects the people around me. I don't know what to do and I am stuck. So I pull out of my shell and express that today kinda sucks and I'm stressed out. I need some comfort.
The hardest part of growing up is when you have to ask for help. When you have to ask for comfort it is like the walls are caving in.

I'm only confident in the things that I was forced to be confident in. I'm only confident in the things that were forced to grow up inside of me. I'm subconscious in the things that I have time and time again made mistakes in. I've never been good at stress. In fact I have always kinda handled it badly. But if I'm not confident in over coming this stress, I will never over come this stress.

Stress shall have no hold on me in a negative way. I will not submit to stress factors. Some stresses are good and can motivate you to succeed but once they start tearing you down...it is negative.