I have this photo on my desk. It is of my mom and I. I'm probably 4. We are both wearing white shirts and bathing suits. Taking a walk on the beach and look for seashells. My hair is up in a pony tail and a ribbon tied in. I wish I could go back to this time. Where I was innocent and didn't think too much. Life was simple and understood.
Traumas are very interesting. A person goes through something that can't be describe in any way. And to work their way to some kind of new normal, takes a very long time. I'm sick of missing my mom. I kind of just want to be over it. But then i think about the series of events I went through, especially towards the end of my mom's life. I don't understand how I got this far in college and still sane. How did I get here and survive.
I saw life being sucked out of a living body. I saw what was like to see life and then death in a human being. I felt the attempts of my mind to explain what I was seeing and feeling.
During this time I feel vulnerable. I usually get depressed or something. But I don't feel depressed. I feel vulnerable. Like a small animal. The only thing they can rely on is their mother. Not even themselves. I feel like that. I wish didn't. I hate appearing weak and small.
It is amazing to me how I can see people's true colors through tragedy...how well people deal with it. How they try or try not to relate with you. Sometimes it is perplexing.
I do not like Halloween in college. People become selfish with the holiday. You have to be doing something. You can't just be sitting around watching a scary movie. You have to go out and do something. There is always a party. A party full of people. Mainly drunk people.
As the days get closer to Halloween...I am drifting a little bit away from people. In therapy they advise you to plan something on the day that you lost a loved one or something tragic happened on that day. If it is planned out in a flexible type plan, it limits freaking out or feeling lonely.
I planned a dinner. A dinner to celebrate how far I come. That I am sane. That grief has no hold on me in everyday life now. I'm starting to lose interesting in this dinner. I am angry. I'm sick of hearing people that they are going to be there...that if I don't want to go out the weekend of halloween...they will stay behind with me. For some I don't think its true and for others I do. I wish I could better explain myself but I cannot. If I could explain myself with no problem...I wouldn't be writing this.
5 years since I saw my mom. Since then I still feel like a bird in it's cage and the door is open but I still cannot fly out of it. Will I ever be able to? Or I'm going to keep looking out waiting for something or somebody to change me? I don't know. But I do know the only time I really think about this is around Halloween.
