I am loved by God

We tread for weeks and sometimes months at a time for this one event that happens on one day out of the entire year. Our mind and brain play into action together to take this event and imprint it in our identity. The imprint on ourselves can be anything from extremely happy/joyful to extremely horrible memory. I'm taking back to the anxiety that I cause myself on a daily basis in the month of October. I am not sure when the intensity of these anxiety levels will decrease but I know they will be there each and every year of my life. Now of course my imprint on my life is on the horrible side and thats why I present myself repeatedly with anxiety. This entire month I thought about my mom twice as much as I do on a regular day. My mind was absorbed by thought of her whether it was a good memory or a terrible one. But also in this month I became very vulnerable. I told people why I was going to Chicago for the halloween weekend and why I have been going to counseling now. I must say in college people are more accepting to what I said than people I knew since kindergarden. They became vulnerable with me instead of being taken off guard. Halloween is not a day for me to dress up and present myself as a hoe or an excuse to get scared, halloween is a day for me to be in utter respect for my mom. Today I am not sure why I felt this impulse to write a blog about this on this day but I am sure that if I do this it will help me heal all over again. See, my mom's anniversary of her death is like ripping a band aid off a wound that is ready to be exposed to the fresh and full of bacteria air. Its been exactly two years since she passed and I can still feel her embrace. I can still smell her fragrance. I can still see her body almost lifeless on the bed but still being my caring mom who rarely showed FEAR and the thought of defeat on her face. I was mothered by a woman who would not only fight cancer but fight for my life and every need that I had to be fulfilled. I am loved by God.