I've chosen to let life lure them out

There has been a lot of things raffling in my mind. I've chosen to let life lure them out of me instead of forcing them out. I've been managing this well I think. Though has topics start to drift out and I have to deal with it, it really sucks. For the first time there is something I want to share on this blog but I can't. I can't for a lot of reasons. Reasons that have their own set of consequences.
I'm here waiting to be discovered somehow and its drenching my soul. And when I mean "be discovered" I mean finding the thing where my heart sings.

I have started to put on shows that include musicians and writers. Lately, there hasn't been a lot of writers so I just fill those slots with my material. I don't mind doing it because it forces me to write. My shows have been received well and people seem to enjoy them. When the show is finished my heart sings.

I haven't been enjoying work. It just ends being exhausting and draining. I've been having to rethink my attitude towards work. This is my job right now and I need to be going into it right. I'm taking care of patients and if my attitude is sour...I can't handle the feeling of how it could come across to them.

Adding chapters...I want the next chapters to be exciting and irresistible. I need it to be. I'm thriving for something to make me explode in a good way. I want to be able to anticipate this without being let down. I'm so tired of being let down.

My dad texted me the other day, "Hey do you want mom's gowns?". What this meant, if you don't want them then I'm going to give them to goodwill. What this meant to me was I don't care about gowns because they are useless to me. But I care that they were my mom's. I care that she wore them. I care that she picked them and bought them. But I don't need them nor do I really want them. I just want them to exist as her gowns. I left work that day so angry. I wanted to scream and I did. I wanted to punch something so I did. I wanted to talk it out so I did. I let my heart sing in a different way.

When there is a lot going on in my head I feel like I have a ton of energy to expel. I want it gone because it just builds up like lightening might come out of me. I get close to what I want but it really never stays. It's fleeting. This isn't to say that I'm not happy that isn't completely true. Being stagnate for me is completely intolerable.

Life is a twisted game and the game is played differently. Everyone handles situations differently and on their own time. I have no idea how to play this game. It's set on difficult with one life left. At the end of the day what makes it all worth it is that somehow I can share my experience. Converse with others. Feel loved and give love. What makes it all worth it is knowing that I am worthy and that I can do this. It seems very lonely a lot of the times but it also isn't a lot of times. It might look differently than I expected.

It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

This past week has been a test to my sanity. It has been proven time and time again that when stress from all angles enters my life I stand on a thin wire. I have worked really hard with my internal problems and have created coping skills to try and deal with things.

One of my biggest coping skills is driving and doing errands. Or driving to a coffee shop and getting a bit further away from house. It lets me think clear and lets me deal with a problem one at a time. Its one of my favorite things to do in all honesty. I get to be alone and I get be doing something productive. I can't lay around the house all day and be fine. I've never been able to do that. I get very restless and my anxiety rises.

Something very frustrating happened to me last week. My car decided that it needed be fixed and the price would be between 1500-2000. Yea, so not driving José anymore. He was a great car. I imagined he was a small man named José. My choices are to sell him on craigslist or junk for cash.

I've been carless. For people it is fine and ok. For me however I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I feel as though I can't breath. I hate relying on people. I hate having to. I'm pretty sure that it all stems from when my mom passed away and I decided to escape. Escape to Michigan and go to Calvin College. Haha and then try to be super independent. Or the time where I couldn't take Michigan anymore and escaped to a semester in Spain.

When I feel suffocated it is tremendous and I freak out.  A few days ago I couldn't handle it. It was too much and I basically did all my hobbies in one day. I freaked out. The beginning of a panic attack started to creep up on me really really fast. My main response to this is talking it out seriously. No one was really answering. So I moved on to the next coping skill and things started to become clear again.

Today I was thinking about how crazy it is that an item of mine could be so important. Its meaning that it has for me is a lot more than I thought it was. I really enjoy becoming more simplistic in life. I really don't need to fancy tv or the fancy couch. Would it be nice, of course. But I think I met my one thing...that one thing that it seems hard to live without, a car...transportation.

When you lose your coping skill for awhile it is a terrible feeling to have and I do not think most people will ever have that feeling. My worse fear is being suffocated physically and/or mentally. It has always been that. It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

It has taken me a long time to find that out. And lately I have been feeling suffocated for awhile but I'm still here miraculously breathing.

Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends

"Moving on" has been a very impactful phrase in my life. The words I think can sting or be forever untrue. They can be helpful sometimes but that depends on when they are said and who says them.

I think the most important person to tell you to move on is yourself. I've been in three different scenarios that these words have been useful and they have also been so completely wrong. One situation that was incredibly useful for those words was when a former best friend just destroyed my heart. 

The relationship was good in the ways we both needed it at that time. However, boundaries were crossed, things happened, we were unhealthy and relied on each other too much. We weren't independent from each other. Then things just fell apart in such a dramatic way. The relationship was so useful to say "move on". It was defiantly time and defiantly needed. I miss that relationship sometimes though. I was young and way more reckless. I was getting through my mother's death and trying to find ways to cope. 

No one ever said it to me but I sensed it from them when I talked. I would become confused by it and shut people out as much as I could. Some years after my mom passed away I thought that moving on was what I needed to do. I thought that was what people eventually did. Although, over the years I found that it was completely wrong. You don't get over death and move you. It isn't simple like that. Instead you find life, find coping skills, and you most certainly find love. You don't move on, you hold on. Grief is one wild ride and at times it takes no survivors. It never gives up but you have the power to decrease its voice. Not silence it because that will make it worse but instead take it in and show that you can handle it. Make it listen to music. Have it take a peaceful walk. Take it out to dinner with friends. Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends. Moving on from death has no form. Living your life does. 

The other moment that moving on had some space in the room was the break up I recently went through. I've never been head over heels. I've also never really wanted to date. Going on dates yes but never really wanted to be with someone for more than a month. The world is so big! How could you even think my life had room for that! That sounds so wrong but when I get seriously involved with someone I'm loyal. Though sometimes people take you by surprise. Yea I fell hard...

I fell even harder when we broke up and even harder for the reason why. I told myself to move on and keep pushing to move on. It had to happen. I had to let it happen. 

There are some things that don't need to move on and there are some things that need to move on. 

Moving on is the process of healing the heart in a certain way. It's a harsh way for certain problems. But once you move on you can enjoy the mountains again. You can enjoy the sunset and sunrise again. You can enjoy life. Live life.

I'm not fond of grudges. They seem to just hurt more than they are worth it. They feel dirty to me and unattractive. Grudges can be confused with proceeding pain. Moving on doesn't always mean the pain is gone. Moving on can mean removing the grudge. How magical is that? Pretty awesome I think. So when you think about moving on from something think about why you should, the benefits, and then how you should move on. 

However to put the blame on a gender is wrong

This past weekend I spent some time with some great friends. I visited my best friend in Pittsburgh and for the first day I went along with her and explored the city. We talked, walked, hugged, embraced our time together and waited for the others to join us. The weekend I must say was inspiring for me.

I often experience traveling as my source of stress release. I find that my mind can become open and I can find new meaning in things. Part of it is because you really do not have responsibilities when you travel. Your only responsibility is to experience. So I found new meaning in having intentional conversations. However, most of the conversations I have with the people I spent this weekend seem effortless and even though the conversations can be intentional.

We talked about women, women's rights, unjust issues, our opinions, the goodness of each other, and brought up topics to see what others thought about an issue. I think that as my generation begins to become the new young adults I am thankful in where I fell into.

I am white. I am female. I am blonde. I am 23 almost 24. I have a black cat. I live with three women. I live in a safe but busy neighborhood. I am healthy. I have my B.A in Psychology. I have two jobs. I have a semi functioning car. I am christian. This is who I am.

Of course all of these things I am thankful for. Though what I am most thankful for is that I had the opportunity to be raised in Southern California. Not only for the weather and the landscape but also for the diversity. I am thankful for that. I also thankful for, and I have been having trouble with saying this but I am starting to believe that it is ok, having friends of color.

I have learned a great deal about life from those two things. Living in the Midwest has been very eye opening in many ways. If I didn't fit in in California I certainly fit in in the Midwest solely based on my appearance. I find that incredible....incredibly sad. Observing how people are here has been interesting.

There a lot of times that I am more of a listener and observer in conversation. However if the conversation is silent I will try to break the silence. I have listened to a lot of conversations. I like to take them in and them sink into my brain. I want to think about them and see where I agree or disagree or simply learn more about the persons in the conversation. I tend to choose to do this and no it isn't because I'm shy or quiet because if you really knew me...you would know thats true. I've been like this since I was little. My mom didn't understand why I was so "quiet", she mentioned this to a friend and after she passed the friend told me about this.

So next time I'm in the room and I'm not talking...now you know why. Anyways, this past weekend the majority of the topic was about women. Sexual assault towards women. I know three as of now of my female friends who have been sexually assaulted. I'm not comfortable sharing my experience more because I haven't told anyone about it expect for a long lost friend. I share that with you just to prove a point. You may very well know someone you live with, are best friends with, in love with, or whatever the relationship is has most likely have had some experience with sexual assault or knows someone who has.

The idea that sexual assault ( according to the United States: Department of Justice states Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.) because of how a woman dresses is very ignorant and wrong. This happens to whomever. This happens to big, small, short, tall, pretty, average, dark, or light. This happens to well-dressed, sloppy dressed, tight fitted, sporty, book smart, "women of the night", this happens to all. 

I have been through a lot in my life. My experience and where I come from have influenced me and how I view the world. I do not like wearing dress all the time. I like to save them for special occasions. I like make up but recently I am annoyed by it. I like men and only feel threatened by them if its a certain kind of situation. I'm not angry at men...if you know me well haha you know that. However to put the blame on a gender is wrong. To put the blame on how someone dresses is wrong. To put the blame on the individual who sexual assaults another individual is the only answer. 

I remember at summer camp or in really any youth group settings us, girls, where taught that we shouldn't let our male counter part to fall into sin or cause them to sin. I was angered by that even at the age of preteen. Because have always believed that I shouldn't be ashamed of the body I was given. I also believed that my male counterpart had/has a responsibly to not look at me as if I am a piece of meat. 

Conversations are the only way we can experience each others opinions in totality. To exclude an openminded conversation is like only being able to eat everything but vegetables. Leaving out nutrition. 

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.

Mental health has always been an interest of mine. The way in which our minds react to good or bad situations. These situations can be traumatic and they can be pretty pleasant. Every year for about 7 years I have written something on or before Halloween about my mother. I do not think it is luck of just circumstances that have made me not write one before this time. I was deliberate about it.

I have had a very hard time with my Mother's death. It has been a ghost in my life that haunts me so terribly. Most of the reasons I believe that it has been such a process is the fact that my Mother's disease began when I was 4 and ended when I was 16. When we are of the age of 3 we start to formulate memories. Our brains are mature enough to form web thinking. We don't actually never remember stuff...it is because we have no way of retrieving the memory. It is stuck somewhere in our brains however until we develop web thinking and a ton of other complicated things...we have no resource. Thankfully when my mom started to go through treatment I was at the age where I could remember...

It then ended on an age that is high in puberty, it is in this teenage stage that is deadly to all. There are already extreme lows and extreme highs at the age of 16. We not only notice that feelings about another human being can be there but we are acting on those feelings of lust. A lot is going on.

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.
I can put these 7 years into 5 acts. The progression of my healing has been strange and confusing. Though right now I want to share with you some of things that I have learned. These things are about myself and also what has helped me get through the rough moments.

• I have learned that I am not alone even if my negative thoughts tell me other wise. 
• Wishing that it was different is not accepting anything. 
• Sometimes during a rough night you have to do alone. 
• Being prepared is the absolutely best option for yourself. 
• Keeping busy isn't the best option because there will be a point when you will have to deal with it. 
• Finding what you are good at and finding that your peers think the same can turn into good coping methods. 
• Life giving you lemons and you making lemonade is real. We can't do anything with just lemons. I prefer making a lemon pepper fish. 
• Talking about it to someone you trust very well. 
• Talking to a therapist. They are paid to past no judgement and they also have been in school for this for years. 
• Friends. As we get older family starts to separate to different states or countries and our friends become our mirrors. 
• When you have a panic attack ask a friend to squeeze you very tightly. It makes you focus on something physical rather than what is in your head and the power of touch is very productive...certain chemicals are produced that act as agents to calming you down. 
• Pin point your vices and drop them as quickly as a hot pan. 
• Be honest in your words when you need someone or something. If you need to be alone. Learn how to say yes and no. 
• Find a new hobby that excites you. This is so cliche. But I picked writing and its apart of me now. 
• If you decide to be put on medication for whatever it is. Take it seriously. Ask a lot of questions about it. For an example, when will they affect me? What is it actually doing to me? Should I also be talking to a therapist instead of a psychiatrist? Why are you choosing this medication for me? How will we know this is a great fit for me?

Whatever you are going through that has caused you to have sleepless nights endlessly, that has made you feel very overwhelmed, and most importantly what has caused you to have the same affect in every situation, event, and moment (its normally called a flat affect, showing no emotions) take the steps on your own and ask for help.

The other night I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted by the nights before and needed sleep. I had to get up at 5:30am. My best friend was sleeping next to me and she was passed out. I couldn't sleep. It was 1am, then 2am, then 3am. My mind wouldn't stop thinking! I couldn't shut it off. The fact that I had to be up so soon was making me escalate. It started to remind me about the nights in college where I was so stressed so overwhelmed and trying to cope with my mom not being at my graduation because she was dead.
There is this technique at work that we use with LfAD, IED, and many other kinds low functioning patients...we squeeze them. We give them a weighted blanket. I thought in that moment why wouldn't that work for me right now? So I asked her, "Can you squeeze me really hard?". She did as I asked and 5 minutes later I was asleep. The next night I slept like a dream.
I don't think that will work for everyone but I put a lot of work into myself and the life around me so that I can live a better life. Most of these things contribute to mental achievements but I am so proud of them.
I am more sure of myself, I believe in myself, I know when to say no or yes, I can have fun and let loose once in awhile, I am becoming ambitious, and the reins our in my hands instead of on the floor where no one can reach them.

From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.

A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.

I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.

Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.

I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in my dreams that night.

I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.

This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.

I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply.

Turn me into a person who changes. Not one who changes for others. When my tongue turns into the hiss of the snake, numb my tongue so I cannot speak. The moments when I look someone up and down as if they are a piece of meat, remind me they can do the same to me in that same moment. Turn me into a person who changes for the good. When a friend hurts my heart allow me to breath and become silent so I can return to loving them. Guide my heart to the ones who will not conceal it but nurture it and let it grow even bigger. Let me make it known that I want to be a person of change. Widen my eyes so that my mind may be more open. Let it be open to growth and truth then be watered by honesty.

Let me work without time constraints and the pressures from things that do not matter. Please take the clutter from my heart and toss it to the trash. I want to embody simplicity and run wild with space. I want to be the one who inspires others for you and not for myself. I want to run wild with love.

I want to run wild with love and stay for away from lust. I want to runaway from the lust of a person. If lay my eyes upon them I wish that it may be to appreciate instead of lust in their presence. I hope that kissing, cuddling, four play, and sex isn't from lust or infatuation. I hope that it means something to me and to them. Not to just feel safe or to make myself safe or to make them safe from me...but to put more importance on them without pressuring the feeling of shame to take place. If I may lay single then I shall because I do not want to complicate my life more than it is.

For one day I hope to be a mother. A mother with her own children or a person who works in a field where the qualities of being a mother are needed or where those younger than me in anyway just need comfort. I hope to comfort. I hope to remove pain or decrease it. I hope to be a change and a difference.

I desire that my selfish tendencies will be erased but not diminish my self-care. Relinquish me for putting myself before and not after. There is nothing that can make feel renewed like you do. There is nothing that can make me feel more loved than you can.

I sat in church last Sunday. The choir was singing something beautiful...I do not know what happened but I started to tear up and gently cry. I cried for things I have been doing wrong. I cried for the way I became so entitled and so selfish. I slowly ran through my thoughts and collected the wrong. I put them in a box and brought them to you. I said here. Thats all I could say. That is all I will say.

I believe there is a wrong and right way of living. I do not think it is black and white although same things might be. I don't think it is endless nights of drinking or smoking. I do not think its wasting away in your room. I do not think its shutting out the world or make snood comments. I think its loving each other. I think its confronting the evils of the world whether its in society or creation. I think its hard and uncomfortable because ignoring is easy.

I never believed I would be set free from my depression. I thought that I was going to die in sadness and people would keep on watching it happen. This may be Too Much Information but whenever I get my period...and I have a lot of stressors in my life...I miss my mom. This month it happened. However, I know completely why. October 31, 2014 she will be gone exactly 7 years. This year I have grown a little obsessed about the creepy things of halloween which tells me the pain of my loss isn't nearly as great as it was before. As this day approaches for me it is like my New Years because I can gauge things better...why? because I have an emotional attachment to this day. I promised my mother three things that day and there is only one left to fulfill. As this day approaches I start to think about how I need to change as a human being, as a daughter, as a friend, as coworker, and as a child of God.

As I walk into this "New Year" of mine I shall conquer my wants and desires...I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply. I shall uncover lies and sins of mine. I shall plant new growth and become who I was made to be.