Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

October already has been a bit anxious. It is warm here in Michigan and it reminds me of California going into fall. The days are still hot but the nights are cool. I wonder how the ocean feels right about now. Fall is an interesting time for me. The month of October brings a lot of triggers to my life. I only spent one fall in California since my mom passed. So after I was 16 I've spent every fall in Michigan. It is certainly beautiful during this time of year.

I had a very hard time in college after my moms death. I was a tornado and hurricane. My feelings were up and down like the waves. I never hated myself, I just hated my emotions. It has taken me years to recover. College is a evidence for that.

Lately, I've been wanting to have guidance from my mom. She has always been my guiding light. I recently watched a film and in it there was a concept that was revealed. You do not stop getting to know someone after they die unless you stop paying attention to them. That rings very true. There are so many things I wish I could ask my mom but sometimes I find the answer in myself. She was my mother...I am her child. I'm similar to her even if I am also similar to my dad.

There are many things I wish I could tell her now and discuss with her. However, I cannot do so. Though if I listen closely I can hear her in the choices I make. I can hear her in the warm breeze that ruffles my hair. I can hear her clapping and dance as I do in the kitchen. I can feel her peach fuzz across my cheek whenever I feel mine.

It is funny because when Michigan changes in seasons I remember a lot more of what has happened in the last 8 or so years. Those memories aren't very good but I do find my gems. I find things that I cherish and they usually involve my loves. My loves meaning my friendships...

Connections have always taunted me in a way. I thrive off of them and usually get bored without them. Connections drive us. I found this passage from John Welwood and it is called Soul Connections. "A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion." I fall heavy on this. The passage compares a heart connection with a soul connection and how the connection is far deeper and overall healthier. I've only had this with a few people in my life. Though one of the persons is my mom.
Some people hate their moms or their moms just aren't good people. I feel my soul connection with my mom even though she isn't physically here anymore.

Halloween is strange. The day my mother passed. Fitting isn't it? I kinda like that its on that day. For me it just pulls all together. At first I hated it but I've learned to not fight it. When the season changes to fall I feel a flood of emotions. I filter through them and weed out the "dumb" ones. My life is chaotic most of the time but I honestly wouldn't know what to do if it settled down. So I will listen to weird halloween music and watch scary movies. I will light pumpkin candles and eat pumpkin pie. I will become reserved but just enough for myself to process.

If you have ever experienced a traumatic event never rush your process and never for guilty for crying. Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

My mother I miss you every day and there hasn't been day that I haven't thought of you. You are my light. You are my hero. I will keep getting to know you as the days pass. I love you.

From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.

A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.

I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.

Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.

I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in my dreams that night.

I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.

This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.

I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.