Connections Should Never Be Abused

I am not sure how life moves in such a motion. Or why some have choices and others don't. There has been thoughts that have been pounding my brain for weeks and weeks. Connection doesn't always fall in your lap. It isn't something to be learned or something that you can just obtain. Connection just happens. However, some people don't always accept it or they abuse it.

For the past few months I have felt used or absorbed by people, a connection gone wrong. A connection manipulated. I tend to be this fill in person. This person that gives you all this attention and emotions. When that connection is evident I have a hard time seeing the other stuff. I get distracted in that fairytale scenario. I do stupid things to keep the connection lasting.

I have felt like a fill in girlfriend/boyfriend for a bit now. If you have ever been queer you know being someone's, who is same sexed, desired choice partner is never fun. It involves a lot of work. It involves a lot of patience. It involves a lot of you. Being a fill in girlfriend is the same thing which is pretty ironic. Connections should never be abused. I'm just sad it took me so long to understand this. Connections are meant to be fulfilling and spirited.

I've never felt so good about myself and who I am. I'm going through a pretty strange stage in my life right now. It has taken me awhile to fully grow up and deal. I have worked on myself to no end and have tried to become the best me as much as possible. I'm tired of the open ended relationships and the friendships that are occasionally there. I'm tired of the lies and deceit. I'm exhausted by people's bullshit.

Over the past few months I have obtained a friendship I thought would never happen. There was a lot of hurt feelings and bad moves when we first met. I see her almost every day now. I've never had someone be so confrontational and real before. She has taught me a lot about my self-worth and has developed my existing qualities into foundational pieces of myself. It's interesting how a toxic connection can transition into a beautiful connection. No lies, no deceit, no harm, no disrespect...

I've had a wild ride with life and there is no wonder that trauma was apart of that. I haven't been the best human in life. It has taken me years to get inside my head that things had to change. It's slow but it's there. Things haven't worked out with people for a reason. Sometimes it was my own fault, sometimes it was their's, and sometimes it was just plain mutual.

I hope that someday I meet that person and it's a no brainer that we are meant to be on both ends. The organic-ness of everything just moves like nature. However, for now I'm not going to be a fill in. It's pathetic. It's just gross and unfathomable for myself. I am better than that. I am not going to be dragged into a whirlwind of satisfying someone else and with no reciprocation. I can certainly be content on my own and intend to be until that one enters in or if they have already.

When you find yourself...don't lose yourself. Hold on to you and what makes you you. Filter out that bad. Make real connections with people and work on it with them. Don't let that fade away. I can't let connections go sometimes...but now when they turn sour I have to. I'm just tired of being lied to.

I wonder at times what if I am suppose to be just me...and then I think really hope not. I thrive on connections way too much for it to not be a thing. Solo Dolo. I'll always be there for those connections that aren't going anywhere but filling in just can't be done anymore.

Trauma doesn't understand healing.

Beauty and honesty can go hand in hand. There is beauty in honesty and honesty in beauty. This is something I've been trying to write for years and years but there never seemed a right time until now. 

4:09am. I’ve woken up between 3am and 4am for years now. It’s my fears and tears still trickling in. Somehow now I can’t shake it off. In October it will be 9 years. When I was living on the coastline in the sunshine there was this timeline that has forever impacted me. It sometimes prevents me to make contact with the most simplest interactions. 

4:09am. My brother woke me up. 4:09am my brother woke me up on October 31st, 2007. It wasn’t to prepare for all those early trick or treaters. But it definitely felt like a trick, like weighted bricks on my back ready to somehow attack me to the point that I wake up now between 3am and 4am every night. 

She would make me one of my favorite desserts. Combining egg whites with cake batter to make me angel food cake. Hearing her chatter in the kitchen to some best friend for hours. Outside in the sunshine I would be picking flowers for her to say I was sorry for splattering the batter all over the floor. 

She nicknamed me precious and called me the icing on her cake. Once in awhile I would let her dress me in pink and think thats what I wanted…though all that would happen would be a bellyache growing inside me. I was her little girl, her only girl. I wasn’t allowed to like girls. 

4:09am I woke up to my brother saying “It’s time.” He couldn’t utter the words, for saying She’s dead, she died, it happened, forms an instant stutter in your mouth like peanut butter incrusted on your lips. You dip into this mood that forms an eternal feeling of feeling like your unveiling your deepest self every time someone asks “Where does your mom live?” “What does she do for a living?"

After dinner, my dad asked me if I was willing to give my mom a shower. A tower of the most uncomfortable feelings surrounded me. The cancer spread from her breast to her hip to her lungs to her brain. I wasn’t trained for this. I didn’t understand this. 16 and showering the vomit from your mother’s body. Her mind was losing control only to show me tell me with smile before I showered her, “It’s like your my mother now.” 

When trauma sets in with a warning or not, the impact is an attack for your entire life. Cutting in like a serrated knife and trying to gain friction to get away from the affliction and constriction. Oh, Momma there is always this drama in my life. I’ve been in a coma, this comatose state. I let depression hit me like a freight train that I couldn’t tame for years. I got my diploma like I said. I forgot your aroma and the sound of your voice. I make choices sometimes that hurt the ones around me only to ground me so no one gets too close. I break down and bring down, let down because trauma…doesn’t understand healing. 

When I was 16, 4 in the morning was her last breath on Halloween. Trauma. Tragic trauma. It has made me strong and create these bonds with certain humans. It has made me frustrate and deflate others. I’m tragically imperfect and I don’t need your verdict to know. But yes this is me, this is my circuit. I try to rewire and resurface myself because trauma doesn’t understand healing. Healing understands feelings even the most unappealing feelings. So yes I am selfish because one day you will die too and I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.

Intentionally Thinking to Be Intentionally Found: When You Rediscover rupi kaur

I have never been intimated to not put myself in something. Most of the time my actions are very intentional. I strive to be true in every motion I take. I tend to have my emotions be my compass. Now that is not intentional. It is actually far from it. I have to be intentional to use my logic.

As I have gotten older this has become easier and easier. Although, the initial hurt is the hardest. The first few days are actually kind of terrifying. My mind remembers hurt all to well. The more I mask it, the more I will not be able to deal with it. Strategy...it is all about the strategy.

I'm getting a little tired of being alone. It isn't that I don't know how to be, but it is more because I get tastes of what it is not like. It is like knowing what your favorite food is and every time you buy it you think you are getting the whole thing. But when you open the packaging it is only a taste.

A poet that I find to be the most inspirational to people, mainly women, that have felt lost in human relationships is Rupi Kaur. I found her to be such an awesome healing poet. Her words speak truth in pain and in healing. She puts strength in you that you as reader thought you lost. I am impressed.

This excerpt is a little long, I know, but it hits it on the head for me. I've lately in the past few years have experienced some rough break ups. They all have had some things in common. That common attribute may be because I haven't found the right person or I just love connecting with people whoever it is. I'm going to share it.

"i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair and your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them. that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying “you will find better than me”. you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of “i just had to try, i had to give it a chance, it was you after all.” but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you. that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world and the next they have belittled you to a mere picture, a moment, something of the past. one second, they swallow you up and whisper they want to spend the rest of their life with you but the moment they sense fear, they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace, as if the human heart means that little to them. and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn’t it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss."

this is how you lose her - rupi kaur 

Life is intriguing. I have known for awhile now that I feel and love deeply. I do not tread lightly. Because of this I do hurt deeply. The people that have entered my life I have learned a great deal that I do not regret. They have pushed me forward to be a better human being to myself and to others. How have they pushed me? They have hurt me in a way that takes me forever to forgive. Because of this it has made me strive. I love challenges even if the beginning of it is rough. I want to be feared. I want to be feared in a way that makes you want to be around me. It seems so strange to say but I want my best to be with someone who is at their best. And if their best or my best is troubled I want to be able to carry them or them carry me. I need it to be long lasting. I want to know what I am when I love deeply for longer than I have known. How great that experience will be. 

I felt this loving my mom. I have felt this in a 3 month relationship and so on.

 People and actions are intriguing to me. They are intriguing to me even if I'm on the other side of their action. How people respond and articulate communications of want, needs, and loves is intriguing. It is how poems are made and songs are written.  

I haven't written a blog in a while. Not because I didn't want to but because I had nothing to write about. I had no crazy ideas or thought provoking story. There was just peace and ease in me. Of course that changed and a bit of emotions spilled out. That is ok because it happened at a time that needed to happen. I did not realize that. I didn't think I needed it. I don't think I needed it in the form it came in but we can't control that. 

I'm on the journey again. Ready to move again. I thought that dream was set aside but its in the fore front of my thoughts now. Definitely not to escape but to be challenged by something new. I just had to be patient. Intentionally thinking to be intentionally found. 

Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

October already has been a bit anxious. It is warm here in Michigan and it reminds me of California going into fall. The days are still hot but the nights are cool. I wonder how the ocean feels right about now. Fall is an interesting time for me. The month of October brings a lot of triggers to my life. I only spent one fall in California since my mom passed. So after I was 16 I've spent every fall in Michigan. It is certainly beautiful during this time of year.

I had a very hard time in college after my moms death. I was a tornado and hurricane. My feelings were up and down like the waves. I never hated myself, I just hated my emotions. It has taken me years to recover. College is a evidence for that.

Lately, I've been wanting to have guidance from my mom. She has always been my guiding light. I recently watched a film and in it there was a concept that was revealed. You do not stop getting to know someone after they die unless you stop paying attention to them. That rings very true. There are so many things I wish I could ask my mom but sometimes I find the answer in myself. She was my mother...I am her child. I'm similar to her even if I am also similar to my dad.

There are many things I wish I could tell her now and discuss with her. However, I cannot do so. Though if I listen closely I can hear her in the choices I make. I can hear her in the warm breeze that ruffles my hair. I can hear her clapping and dance as I do in the kitchen. I can feel her peach fuzz across my cheek whenever I feel mine.

It is funny because when Michigan changes in seasons I remember a lot more of what has happened in the last 8 or so years. Those memories aren't very good but I do find my gems. I find things that I cherish and they usually involve my loves. My loves meaning my friendships...

Connections have always taunted me in a way. I thrive off of them and usually get bored without them. Connections drive us. I found this passage from John Welwood and it is called Soul Connections. "A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion." I fall heavy on this. The passage compares a heart connection with a soul connection and how the connection is far deeper and overall healthier. I've only had this with a few people in my life. Though one of the persons is my mom.
Some people hate their moms or their moms just aren't good people. I feel my soul connection with my mom even though she isn't physically here anymore.

Halloween is strange. The day my mother passed. Fitting isn't it? I kinda like that its on that day. For me it just pulls all together. At first I hated it but I've learned to not fight it. When the season changes to fall I feel a flood of emotions. I filter through them and weed out the "dumb" ones. My life is chaotic most of the time but I honestly wouldn't know what to do if it settled down. So I will listen to weird halloween music and watch scary movies. I will light pumpkin candles and eat pumpkin pie. I will become reserved but just enough for myself to process.

If you have ever experienced a traumatic event never rush your process and never for guilty for crying. Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

My mother I miss you every day and there hasn't been day that I haven't thought of you. You are my light. You are my hero. I will keep getting to know you as the days pass. I love you.

I've chosen to let life lure them out

There has been a lot of things raffling in my mind. I've chosen to let life lure them out of me instead of forcing them out. I've been managing this well I think. Though has topics start to drift out and I have to deal with it, it really sucks. For the first time there is something I want to share on this blog but I can't. I can't for a lot of reasons. Reasons that have their own set of consequences.
I'm here waiting to be discovered somehow and its drenching my soul. And when I mean "be discovered" I mean finding the thing where my heart sings.

I have started to put on shows that include musicians and writers. Lately, there hasn't been a lot of writers so I just fill those slots with my material. I don't mind doing it because it forces me to write. My shows have been received well and people seem to enjoy them. When the show is finished my heart sings.

I haven't been enjoying work. It just ends being exhausting and draining. I've been having to rethink my attitude towards work. This is my job right now and I need to be going into it right. I'm taking care of patients and if my attitude is sour...I can't handle the feeling of how it could come across to them.

Adding chapters...I want the next chapters to be exciting and irresistible. I need it to be. I'm thriving for something to make me explode in a good way. I want to be able to anticipate this without being let down. I'm so tired of being let down.

My dad texted me the other day, "Hey do you want mom's gowns?". What this meant, if you don't want them then I'm going to give them to goodwill. What this meant to me was I don't care about gowns because they are useless to me. But I care that they were my mom's. I care that she wore them. I care that she picked them and bought them. But I don't need them nor do I really want them. I just want them to exist as her gowns. I left work that day so angry. I wanted to scream and I did. I wanted to punch something so I did. I wanted to talk it out so I did. I let my heart sing in a different way.

When there is a lot going on in my head I feel like I have a ton of energy to expel. I want it gone because it just builds up like lightening might come out of me. I get close to what I want but it really never stays. It's fleeting. This isn't to say that I'm not happy that isn't completely true. Being stagnate for me is completely intolerable.

Life is a twisted game and the game is played differently. Everyone handles situations differently and on their own time. I have no idea how to play this game. It's set on difficult with one life left. At the end of the day what makes it all worth it is that somehow I can share my experience. Converse with others. Feel loved and give love. What makes it all worth it is knowing that I am worthy and that I can do this. It seems very lonely a lot of the times but it also isn't a lot of times. It might look differently than I expected.

From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.

A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.

I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.

Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.

I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in my dreams that night.

I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.

This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.

I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I AM BACK

When it happened I felt destruction. I felt an overwhelming feeling that wasn't going to leave any time soon. I was left alone in the desert. Months later I felt liberated. I am free. I am free. I do not have to prove myself anymore. I am allowed to fail time and time again without being looked at like an unworthy person. I am allowed to be in a funk without being looked at as someone who is immature. I am allowed to be me. I do not have to impress anymore. I am me. I am not bowing down to my idol no more. I am me. My lungs take deep breaths in and out finally. No more suffocation for my throat and lungs. No rope tied around my arms and no tape around my mouth. I am not a figure to be controlled. I have a will, a free-will. I will fly and I am flying again. No one can bound me like that again expect for myself. The chains are gone and I am set free. I saw it at first as a complete heart splitting event but now I view this as a complete liberation. My God My God here am I. I am yours. I am here to do your will. I am here to be in prayer for myself and others. I am ever thankful for your creation that gives you praise and adoration. I bow down. I bow down. I bow down in complete silence. My tears fall. My tears fall not for the hurt and pain but for my joy, hope, and love that I receive from you. I fish for help...but what I do not realise is that you are and were always there to begin with. I am surrounded by your presence. I am not my own but I am yours. My Lord, I let you romance me. You the creator of love. You are the one who invented love. Why am I so reluctant to let you show your love notes to me. I was gone. I left your house. But my God I am back. I AM BACK.