If you can control it then change it

I'm 27. I do not have my whole life together at all. I might be your typical 27 year old though I am not married nor have I ever been. I do not have kids. I do not have a luxurious job where I can have paid vacations and benefits.
Though to be honest I have chosen this life to a certain degree. I have been hearing a lot from my friends say that they want a "big girl job". A lot of times I don't really get that. Or what makes a big job a big job?

Paid vacation
benefits
set hours
actual breaks
making more than 20,000 a year

Why do we want that? Is it a form of security? Is it because maybe we care at the bar, restaurant, or brewery and the others around us don't? Honestly, I don't really know other than having something reliable and full of security.

I am trying everyday to make my life push forward and be filled with security. Though what I have learned is that what I want is a huge task. However, when I compare what I want with my friends' it's nothing different.
I'm going to own a LGBTQ bar. I want trans, non-binary, gay, lesbian, queer, bi, and whatever else you identify with to work there and be apart of it. This dream has pushed me to be other things.

This dream pushes me to start really being on top of my student loans so much so that my credit score has soared within a year and even a few months. It has pushed me to have conversations with people that I would never have. This dream is more than a dream to me...it has been my inspiration. And dear lord I hope it works out.

As I think about this and how slowly it will take...that's ok. Because my drive is making me a better responsible human being. I had the paid vacation, benefits, actual breaks, and definitely not a great salary (but thats not the point). I've never lived super comfortably and I'm not sure right now I want to.

I am tired of people pushing this idea of a norm in our society of when you should have a "real" job. Of when you should be working during the week and not on weekends. Of when you should stop waking up at 10am and start waking up at 8am. When you should have kids and with whom. People I think need to start realizing that finding something that makes you happy and content is what matters. This whole nuclear family scenario isn't really anymore and shouldn't take a precedence in your life.

I'm tired of that. We shouldn't be outcasting ourselves anymore. Remember some people work to live and others live to work. Make sure you chose the right one for yourself and shift the weight in your life so you feel more stable. If you can control it then change it.

My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people

I have not written in this blog for two years.
My excuse? I jumped outside of my head and onto the pavement. I literally found a voice outside of my head. It took years to understand that I am not shy, I am only highly "choosy" of who I talk to.

I think I would like to write more in this blog. I have had it for years so why stop?
I'm back I guess?
Who called this to my attention? Breea. She said she kept refreshing it to see if I ever wrote anything more in it. Well, here I am Breea writing hopefully you refresh soon.

I usually would use this blog to get these intense thoughts out of my head and into the vortex of the internet. A question that needed to be answered would circle in my mind for weeks until I would settle on an answer. So it is back to learning about the universe.

Let me update you on what has happened over the course of two years. I left the mental health hospital where I worked. I decided to become a bartender. I have also decided to open up a queer bar. I am no where near ashamed of my sexuality. I find myself to be spiritual but not religious. That is a true conundrum for some people to understand. I'm here for you to judge me right? NO, the answer is no but we all know you are going to anyways.

Any who now that you know every single detail of my life in the most cut throat synopsis let's move on.

I will have several grammatical errors. If you hate it then correct the grammar and let me know. I should care but having ADD and growing up in a private christian school isn't a helpful thing whatsoever.

Now that you are caught up as old and new readers we shall move on to the good stuff.

I love differently than most. Why? Because I am not like everyone else. Or so I like to think. My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people. Another reason why I haven't written in so long is because my anxiety has lessen quite a bit, hence being outside of my head. That alien in the sea of people was very real. Though as I get older I feel like I'm with a bunch of aliens in a sea of people.
I mean I got a fucking hammer tattoo with one of my best friends. That bunch of aliens has lessened my anxiety.

I used to be this girl that was fumbling through life. Absolutely fumbling and fumbling with other people. What I have noticed is we tend to find people similar to us to run life with. What I didn't notice until this week is that we also tend to find people that love similar to us. One of the best ways to know who you are in life is from a break up.

YES, I said it. I've had a few in my life whether it was a years time or months...or weeks. I have heard the same thing countless of times. "Brenna, you are real, solid, compassionate, loyal, and one of the most genuine persons I know." Of course after that they break up with me haha. It has all worked out for the better truly. And I don't have harsh feelings or oh I'm so alone. But that seriously feels amazing to look back at. Those characteristics of me is how I love.

So yes, I love in a way that if I say I am there...I am freakin there. I mean the things I say. I rarely say before I think and if I do I have learned the massive amounts of trouble I get in.

Some people may feel differently to me and if you do and if I have done wrong to you...know I am sorry. You may have captured a piece of me that was out of place. That piece that was forming into a person.

This blog is not about politics or what the hell is happening to our country. It is about my way of pushing out the pieces that are a person and filling it in with pieces of an alien. Conforming has never been my strong suit.

Are you ready to take this adventure? Get in the depths of my soul? This is your chance. And if not I always have my readers that seem to be Latin America.

Connections Should Never Be Abused

I am not sure how life moves in such a motion. Or why some have choices and others don't. There has been thoughts that have been pounding my brain for weeks and weeks. Connection doesn't always fall in your lap. It isn't something to be learned or something that you can just obtain. Connection just happens. However, some people don't always accept it or they abuse it.

For the past few months I have felt used or absorbed by people, a connection gone wrong. A connection manipulated. I tend to be this fill in person. This person that gives you all this attention and emotions. When that connection is evident I have a hard time seeing the other stuff. I get distracted in that fairytale scenario. I do stupid things to keep the connection lasting.

I have felt like a fill in girlfriend/boyfriend for a bit now. If you have ever been queer you know being someone's, who is same sexed, desired choice partner is never fun. It involves a lot of work. It involves a lot of patience. It involves a lot of you. Being a fill in girlfriend is the same thing which is pretty ironic. Connections should never be abused. I'm just sad it took me so long to understand this. Connections are meant to be fulfilling and spirited.

I've never felt so good about myself and who I am. I'm going through a pretty strange stage in my life right now. It has taken me awhile to fully grow up and deal. I have worked on myself to no end and have tried to become the best me as much as possible. I'm tired of the open ended relationships and the friendships that are occasionally there. I'm tired of the lies and deceit. I'm exhausted by people's bullshit.

Over the past few months I have obtained a friendship I thought would never happen. There was a lot of hurt feelings and bad moves when we first met. I see her almost every day now. I've never had someone be so confrontational and real before. She has taught me a lot about my self-worth and has developed my existing qualities into foundational pieces of myself. It's interesting how a toxic connection can transition into a beautiful connection. No lies, no deceit, no harm, no disrespect...

I've had a wild ride with life and there is no wonder that trauma was apart of that. I haven't been the best human in life. It has taken me years to get inside my head that things had to change. It's slow but it's there. Things haven't worked out with people for a reason. Sometimes it was my own fault, sometimes it was their's, and sometimes it was just plain mutual.

I hope that someday I meet that person and it's a no brainer that we are meant to be on both ends. The organic-ness of everything just moves like nature. However, for now I'm not going to be a fill in. It's pathetic. It's just gross and unfathomable for myself. I am better than that. I am not going to be dragged into a whirlwind of satisfying someone else and with no reciprocation. I can certainly be content on my own and intend to be until that one enters in or if they have already.

When you find yourself...don't lose yourself. Hold on to you and what makes you you. Filter out that bad. Make real connections with people and work on it with them. Don't let that fade away. I can't let connections go sometimes...but now when they turn sour I have to. I'm just tired of being lied to.

I wonder at times what if I am suppose to be just me...and then I think really hope not. I thrive on connections way too much for it to not be a thing. Solo Dolo. I'll always be there for those connections that aren't going anywhere but filling in just can't be done anymore.

I was this human that wasn't human but a shell. I was a vessel for toxic tendencies.

I'm an observer. It is something that has portrayed me as shy and quiet. However, if I am comfortable with you and have plenty of sleep I am not shy and quiet. I like to watch people and listen to people. I presume that people don't always find this as true. I do not ask people to understand me. I ask people to not assume.

When I first start to get involved with someone I tend to be hyper aware but intrigued at the same time. Talking about myself, like most people, comes easy to me although opening up about the dark corners of my heart and mind are troubling. I get attached easy. I want to relate as well. Though opening those dark corners is opening myself up in ways not many people receive.

I recently got out of a relationship a bit ago. I'm not one to over analyze too much but I am one to try and understand what happened and how did it happen. I started to not feel heard. I started to feel as though my problems were not big enough to be heard. My heart retracted and started to detach. I drew back and started to observe again, to understand the situation. It was already too late. Things happen to us and we instantly argue and think that it is the other person's fault. Oddly enough, it so could happen to be that the issue was mutual.

When someone critics my character, life choices, personality, and the like I want to change it for the better whether it is true or not. I become quiet and observe in my own life at my own self. I look around and see how people interact with me. I have dealt with a lot of anger in my life and it doesn't suit me anymore. It impinges my heart in a way that I can't stand.

A simplistic lifestyle is something I enjoy. Admittedly, I like the expensive things and all the tasty foods but I find when I cultivate simplistic values and experiences I am more happy. It is a viewpoint that can change your world view dramatically.

The pain I have felt and have had to deal with is a lot to say the least. My story is my story. When I work with my patients, kids and teenagers who are mentally unstable, I see my younger self sometimes. The scary thing is I could of benefited from going to intense therapy or maybe even a partial program at a mental health hospital. There were times were I couldn't think clearly for more than a hour. I was this human that wasn't human but a shell. I was a vessel for toxic tendencies.

It has only been three years that I have felt me. I have experienced the real me. I find that relationships have been easier to build and maintain. I have two people in my life that I cannot imagine life without. They have seen me at my worse, have felt my worse, seen my best, have felt my best, and have guided me. My love for them is a great and empowering love.

I have been observing again. I've been observing people I once knew only a month ago. I'm observing people I just met. I have been observing how people relate to me and I relate to them. I have been observing how people dissociate and associate to pain in their own lives. It has taught me that change is possible and a human is complex. It takes more than a few months or even a year to fully know a human. I can't judge a human in my life solely on a few months of knowing them. I wouldn't want that for myself.

I believe the best way to get to really know someone and who they are is to see how they deal with pain. In that you will find how resilient they are, how determined, how resourceful, how spiritual, how loving and caring, and how their body heals mentally...what being healthy is for them.

Trauma doesn't understand healing.

Beauty and honesty can go hand in hand. There is beauty in honesty and honesty in beauty. This is something I've been trying to write for years and years but there never seemed a right time until now. 

4:09am. I’ve woken up between 3am and 4am for years now. It’s my fears and tears still trickling in. Somehow now I can’t shake it off. In October it will be 9 years. When I was living on the coastline in the sunshine there was this timeline that has forever impacted me. It sometimes prevents me to make contact with the most simplest interactions. 

4:09am. My brother woke me up. 4:09am my brother woke me up on October 31st, 2007. It wasn’t to prepare for all those early trick or treaters. But it definitely felt like a trick, like weighted bricks on my back ready to somehow attack me to the point that I wake up now between 3am and 4am every night. 

She would make me one of my favorite desserts. Combining egg whites with cake batter to make me angel food cake. Hearing her chatter in the kitchen to some best friend for hours. Outside in the sunshine I would be picking flowers for her to say I was sorry for splattering the batter all over the floor. 

She nicknamed me precious and called me the icing on her cake. Once in awhile I would let her dress me in pink and think thats what I wanted…though all that would happen would be a bellyache growing inside me. I was her little girl, her only girl. I wasn’t allowed to like girls. 

4:09am I woke up to my brother saying “It’s time.” He couldn’t utter the words, for saying She’s dead, she died, it happened, forms an instant stutter in your mouth like peanut butter incrusted on your lips. You dip into this mood that forms an eternal feeling of feeling like your unveiling your deepest self every time someone asks “Where does your mom live?” “What does she do for a living?"

After dinner, my dad asked me if I was willing to give my mom a shower. A tower of the most uncomfortable feelings surrounded me. The cancer spread from her breast to her hip to her lungs to her brain. I wasn’t trained for this. I didn’t understand this. 16 and showering the vomit from your mother’s body. Her mind was losing control only to show me tell me with smile before I showered her, “It’s like your my mother now.” 

When trauma sets in with a warning or not, the impact is an attack for your entire life. Cutting in like a serrated knife and trying to gain friction to get away from the affliction and constriction. Oh, Momma there is always this drama in my life. I’ve been in a coma, this comatose state. I let depression hit me like a freight train that I couldn’t tame for years. I got my diploma like I said. I forgot your aroma and the sound of your voice. I make choices sometimes that hurt the ones around me only to ground me so no one gets too close. I break down and bring down, let down because trauma…doesn’t understand healing. 

When I was 16, 4 in the morning was her last breath on Halloween. Trauma. Tragic trauma. It has made me strong and create these bonds with certain humans. It has made me frustrate and deflate others. I’m tragically imperfect and I don’t need your verdict to know. But yes this is me, this is my circuit. I try to rewire and resurface myself because trauma doesn’t understand healing. Healing understands feelings even the most unappealing feelings. So yes I am selfish because one day you will die too and I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.

The only person that made it extra special was my mom

It is January. A new year has rolled in and has magically made the last year disappear, or so it seems. January is one of my favorite months. I love the new year and celebrating it. It reminds of new life, new chances, a fresh start, and honestly it feels like the moment you step into the shower. It's this cleanse that provides these moments of new chances. The other part of January is my birthday.

In my house your birthday was very special. The only person that made it extra special was my mom. When I was younger and even well in my teens, I would come home to new clothes on my bed. Of course they would be on sale. Sometimes I loved them and sometimes I secretly hated them. That was just on random days. Your birthday was ten times better. When it was my birthday I got to open my presents in the morning before school. One year that was close to when my mom was getting really sick, I had my driver's ed training and she pulled out a sweatshirt that was suppose to be for my birthday but my birthday was months away. I didn't know it at the time of course but I think she knew her time was coming and decided to give me something before she passed away. When I come across my birthday I become so grateful. I am granted another year of life to spend with the people I love.

At the hospital I work at a lot of teenagers come in for depression, suicidal ideation, and suicidal attempts. When holidays come around I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to embrace them. When my birthday comes around I want to tell them every reason why they should keep on living. The year after my mom passed away I dealt with suicidal ideation. I had a lot of anxiety, depression, and just simply grief. Getting passed it was the hardest thing I think I have encountered with. Defeat was always around the corner. However, being 24 going on 25 I have this appreciation for life that I cannot explain. Life can be explained in that cliché way of it being a gift but I think its more than that.

It is a gift that keeps on giving. A lot of people prefer not be given flowers but instead a plant or even a small tree. I love that idea. My family has always done that when something is a bit more serious. A tree keeps on growing and if it produces fruit, it provides food. Even if it doesn't provide fruit, it provides shade or a home for an animal. I want to be a tree. I want to give a gift that keeps on giving.

25 is this number that could be overwhelming for some. It is a bit overwhelming for me. I absolutely miss my mom during this time. I wonder at times what it would be like if she was here. I'm sure I would receive some type of present(s) in the mail. Though honestly I would love to just pick up the phone and talk to her. Tell her everything about myself at 25. Tell her about my job and how she would be genuinely interested in it. Tell her about all the dates I've been on. I know she wouldn't be happy about me not going to church and I would hear lectures about it. Although, I always come back to the point that if she had never died I would never be who I am today. Sadly, I think I am better person because of her death.

When birthdays come some people avoid them and/or don't even tell anyone about it. I do not understand that. Celebrate your life because it can be gone or destroyed at any moment.

There is a saying by Eleanor Roosevelt

Often in my life there a lot of things going on. In many people's lives there are often a lot of things going on. We usually do not hear about it or take the time to ask. I'm a verbal processor so if I feel comfortable in the relationship I will share. However, there are some things in my life that I have to share. For an example, where do your parents live? Well, my dad lives in San Diego but my mom is dead. Or how many siblings do you have? I have four brothers but one was killed before I was born. The following conversations can be a little awkward. Though I always have something going on in my life. It is never a dull moment.

I now have a "new" car. It is entirely an A to B car. The other day I got off of work and go over to start my car. It is dead. I got it jumped and working but the frustration inside of me was just too great. I always feel on the defense with life. Not that it is out to get me but that I am on defense. And if that striker makes a goal then life has won. There is a saying by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not just a person can make you feel inferior but life can make you feel inferior too. In many instances I give life consent to make me feel inferior.

I think it is time to reorganize and become silent. In silence we may find truth and be humbled by the truth. I do not want to be grabbed into this world of confusion and possibilities of mistakes. Silence can be in a lot of different forms. It is not just silencing your mind or even your voice. It can be silencing parts of your lives that are making too much noise. The noise they are producing is not efficient or beneficial to you.

One of the reasons I love to do woodworking is because during the time I am doing it. I do not have to speak or listen to anyone at all. Sometimes the power tools are too loud and I can't even hear my music. Being in that moment is wonderful. No one on the street will talk to me and I do not have to look up. It is this untentional silence that I give myself. Untentional silence is beautiful but when intentional silence is achieved it is more than beautiful.

When my world is full of noise I want to have intentional silence. In Southern California I had places I would go to breath. I would be in places I took for granted. In Michigan I have found it hard to find those places but partly because I haven't searched. When my world is full of noise I will have these places to breath that are filled with silence.

Inferior. Life made me inferior and I consented to it. It makes me angry and frustrated though it is what it is and that is truth.

Validate Me

As I am living through life my journeys are becoming more than experience but validation. Of course there are lessons that are exposed still but validation is certainly real. My trip back home was very interesting.

When I went home I had no idea what to expect. I knew that my time there would go by very fast. It was very special to have one of my good friends with me along for the journey. Her ease and calmness eased and calmed me down in stressful situations. Going home is a very loaded phrase.

I journey back to the place where my mom physically exists. The walls in the house were touched by her hands. The notes in her handwriting are tucked away in boxes. Her decorations pulled from the walls and stored in old bedrooms. The sadness is soaked into the furniture. It seems easier to avoid it all but it really isn't. I love the house but the memories weigh it down.

Going back to San Diego validated me that moving back to Grand Rapids was a good decision. Even though moving back was for guy, it still ended up being a good idea. I'm very happy that I realized this. I also realized that I can't live in the suburbs just yet. The city, however big it is, still has my heart.

There was a card my mom gave me on her last birthday. It's a very true and sad card. She wrote about how proud she was of me and apologized for having cancer. Two months later she passed away. I think she knew she was dying. I think she wanted to use this card as her final words to me. I think it was impossible to admit to her kids head on that she was dying. She never wrote a thank you card to me for anything except for this time. She always used her words. When I read it this past week I knew I was going cry before I even read it. That card made me feel the present, past, and future all at once. It gave me validation for where I am heading in life. The past still believes in my pursuits.

I am me and losing sight of who I am is death to me. I do not want to be persuaded by falsehoods. This life is crazy as it is and making rash decisions isn't so much my thing anymore. I will be spontaneous in other aspects of my life.

Figuring out who you are is what life is about. We are too busy figuring out life when life in us has to be figured out first. When we learn how we ourselves respond to situations, events, and other people, I think we can then start to figure out why we were put on this Earth. I am creative, thoughtful, fearful, stubborn, alive, a bit damaged, aggressive, easily frustrated, concerned, respectful, loved, slowly learning, rash, hopeful, and so many other things. I think me as a whole creates Brenna. I am designed and created to do a certain life. I know that it involves people, art, and adventure. What a life...

I struggle a lot of times because I feel very deeply. I get confused by my emotions a lot of times. I have had to learn how to prove what lies and truths I tell myself. One emotion that has a grasp on me so strong is fear. When my mom passed away fear doubled in size. It has taken me so much time and work to handle and disprove the fear. I have had to be very intentional on how to handle my emotions and force logic into it all. I know that so many people do not struggle with deep emotions. In the past I felt very foreign to my family and friends. I felt like I had way too many problems. That idea of myself was a lie. I am me. I am Brenna. If I have to work hard at bettering myself then so be it. I am unique. Life is unique in every perspective.

To have validation is very important to me in many ways. It is most important from my family and friends. So when I read that thank you card I felt so much validation from my mom. How incredibly cool is that. Her words from the past has spoken more to me now than it did in the moment that I first read that card. I am thankful for it and encouraged.

I've chosen to let life lure them out

There has been a lot of things raffling in my mind. I've chosen to let life lure them out of me instead of forcing them out. I've been managing this well I think. Though has topics start to drift out and I have to deal with it, it really sucks. For the first time there is something I want to share on this blog but I can't. I can't for a lot of reasons. Reasons that have their own set of consequences.
I'm here waiting to be discovered somehow and its drenching my soul. And when I mean "be discovered" I mean finding the thing where my heart sings.

I have started to put on shows that include musicians and writers. Lately, there hasn't been a lot of writers so I just fill those slots with my material. I don't mind doing it because it forces me to write. My shows have been received well and people seem to enjoy them. When the show is finished my heart sings.

I haven't been enjoying work. It just ends being exhausting and draining. I've been having to rethink my attitude towards work. This is my job right now and I need to be going into it right. I'm taking care of patients and if my attitude is sour...I can't handle the feeling of how it could come across to them.

Adding chapters...I want the next chapters to be exciting and irresistible. I need it to be. I'm thriving for something to make me explode in a good way. I want to be able to anticipate this without being let down. I'm so tired of being let down.

My dad texted me the other day, "Hey do you want mom's gowns?". What this meant, if you don't want them then I'm going to give them to goodwill. What this meant to me was I don't care about gowns because they are useless to me. But I care that they were my mom's. I care that she wore them. I care that she picked them and bought them. But I don't need them nor do I really want them. I just want them to exist as her gowns. I left work that day so angry. I wanted to scream and I did. I wanted to punch something so I did. I wanted to talk it out so I did. I let my heart sing in a different way.

When there is a lot going on in my head I feel like I have a ton of energy to expel. I want it gone because it just builds up like lightening might come out of me. I get close to what I want but it really never stays. It's fleeting. This isn't to say that I'm not happy that isn't completely true. Being stagnate for me is completely intolerable.

Life is a twisted game and the game is played differently. Everyone handles situations differently and on their own time. I have no idea how to play this game. It's set on difficult with one life left. At the end of the day what makes it all worth it is that somehow I can share my experience. Converse with others. Feel loved and give love. What makes it all worth it is knowing that I am worthy and that I can do this. It seems very lonely a lot of the times but it also isn't a lot of times. It might look differently than I expected.