Intentionally Thinking to Be Intentionally Found: When You Rediscover rupi kaur

I have never been intimated to not put myself in something. Most of the time my actions are very intentional. I strive to be true in every motion I take. I tend to have my emotions be my compass. Now that is not intentional. It is actually far from it. I have to be intentional to use my logic.

As I have gotten older this has become easier and easier. Although, the initial hurt is the hardest. The first few days are actually kind of terrifying. My mind remembers hurt all to well. The more I mask it, the more I will not be able to deal with it. Strategy...it is all about the strategy.

I'm getting a little tired of being alone. It isn't that I don't know how to be, but it is more because I get tastes of what it is not like. It is like knowing what your favorite food is and every time you buy it you think you are getting the whole thing. But when you open the packaging it is only a taste.

A poet that I find to be the most inspirational to people, mainly women, that have felt lost in human relationships is Rupi Kaur. I found her to be such an awesome healing poet. Her words speak truth in pain and in healing. She puts strength in you that you as reader thought you lost. I am impressed.

This excerpt is a little long, I know, but it hits it on the head for me. I've lately in the past few years have experienced some rough break ups. They all have had some things in common. That common attribute may be because I haven't found the right person or I just love connecting with people whoever it is. I'm going to share it.

"i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair and your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them. that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying “you will find better than me”. you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of “i just had to try, i had to give it a chance, it was you after all.” but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you. that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world and the next they have belittled you to a mere picture, a moment, something of the past. one second, they swallow you up and whisper they want to spend the rest of their life with you but the moment they sense fear, they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace, as if the human heart means that little to them. and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn’t it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss."

this is how you lose her - rupi kaur 

Life is intriguing. I have known for awhile now that I feel and love deeply. I do not tread lightly. Because of this I do hurt deeply. The people that have entered my life I have learned a great deal that I do not regret. They have pushed me forward to be a better human being to myself and to others. How have they pushed me? They have hurt me in a way that takes me forever to forgive. Because of this it has made me strive. I love challenges even if the beginning of it is rough. I want to be feared. I want to be feared in a way that makes you want to be around me. It seems so strange to say but I want my best to be with someone who is at their best. And if their best or my best is troubled I want to be able to carry them or them carry me. I need it to be long lasting. I want to know what I am when I love deeply for longer than I have known. How great that experience will be. 

I felt this loving my mom. I have felt this in a 3 month relationship and so on.

 People and actions are intriguing to me. They are intriguing to me even if I'm on the other side of their action. How people respond and articulate communications of want, needs, and loves is intriguing. It is how poems are made and songs are written.  

I haven't written a blog in a while. Not because I didn't want to but because I had nothing to write about. I had no crazy ideas or thought provoking story. There was just peace and ease in me. Of course that changed and a bit of emotions spilled out. That is ok because it happened at a time that needed to happen. I did not realize that. I didn't think I needed it. I don't think I needed it in the form it came in but we can't control that. 

I'm on the journey again. Ready to move again. I thought that dream was set aside but its in the fore front of my thoughts now. Definitely not to escape but to be challenged by something new. I just had to be patient. Intentionally thinking to be intentionally found. 

However to put the blame on a gender is wrong

This past weekend I spent some time with some great friends. I visited my best friend in Pittsburgh and for the first day I went along with her and explored the city. We talked, walked, hugged, embraced our time together and waited for the others to join us. The weekend I must say was inspiring for me.

I often experience traveling as my source of stress release. I find that my mind can become open and I can find new meaning in things. Part of it is because you really do not have responsibilities when you travel. Your only responsibility is to experience. So I found new meaning in having intentional conversations. However, most of the conversations I have with the people I spent this weekend seem effortless and even though the conversations can be intentional.

We talked about women, women's rights, unjust issues, our opinions, the goodness of each other, and brought up topics to see what others thought about an issue. I think that as my generation begins to become the new young adults I am thankful in where I fell into.

I am white. I am female. I am blonde. I am 23 almost 24. I have a black cat. I live with three women. I live in a safe but busy neighborhood. I am healthy. I have my B.A in Psychology. I have two jobs. I have a semi functioning car. I am christian. This is who I am.

Of course all of these things I am thankful for. Though what I am most thankful for is that I had the opportunity to be raised in Southern California. Not only for the weather and the landscape but also for the diversity. I am thankful for that. I also thankful for, and I have been having trouble with saying this but I am starting to believe that it is ok, having friends of color.

I have learned a great deal about life from those two things. Living in the Midwest has been very eye opening in many ways. If I didn't fit in in California I certainly fit in in the Midwest solely based on my appearance. I find that incredible....incredibly sad. Observing how people are here has been interesting.

There a lot of times that I am more of a listener and observer in conversation. However if the conversation is silent I will try to break the silence. I have listened to a lot of conversations. I like to take them in and them sink into my brain. I want to think about them and see where I agree or disagree or simply learn more about the persons in the conversation. I tend to choose to do this and no it isn't because I'm shy or quiet because if you really knew me...you would know thats true. I've been like this since I was little. My mom didn't understand why I was so "quiet", she mentioned this to a friend and after she passed the friend told me about this.

So next time I'm in the room and I'm not talking...now you know why. Anyways, this past weekend the majority of the topic was about women. Sexual assault towards women. I know three as of now of my female friends who have been sexually assaulted. I'm not comfortable sharing my experience more because I haven't told anyone about it expect for a long lost friend. I share that with you just to prove a point. You may very well know someone you live with, are best friends with, in love with, or whatever the relationship is has most likely have had some experience with sexual assault or knows someone who has.

The idea that sexual assault ( according to the United States: Department of Justice states Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.) because of how a woman dresses is very ignorant and wrong. This happens to whomever. This happens to big, small, short, tall, pretty, average, dark, or light. This happens to well-dressed, sloppy dressed, tight fitted, sporty, book smart, "women of the night", this happens to all. 

I have been through a lot in my life. My experience and where I come from have influenced me and how I view the world. I do not like wearing dress all the time. I like to save them for special occasions. I like make up but recently I am annoyed by it. I like men and only feel threatened by them if its a certain kind of situation. I'm not angry at men...if you know me well haha you know that. However to put the blame on a gender is wrong. To put the blame on how someone dresses is wrong. To put the blame on the individual who sexual assaults another individual is the only answer. 

I remember at summer camp or in really any youth group settings us, girls, where taught that we shouldn't let our male counter part to fall into sin or cause them to sin. I was angered by that even at the age of preteen. Because have always believed that I shouldn't be ashamed of the body I was given. I also believed that my male counterpart had/has a responsibly to not look at me as if I am a piece of meat. 

Conversations are the only way we can experience each others opinions in totality. To exclude an openminded conversation is like only being able to eat everything but vegetables. Leaving out nutrition.