If you can control it then change it

I'm 27. I do not have my whole life together at all. I might be your typical 27 year old though I am not married nor have I ever been. I do not have kids. I do not have a luxurious job where I can have paid vacations and benefits.
Though to be honest I have chosen this life to a certain degree. I have been hearing a lot from my friends say that they want a "big girl job". A lot of times I don't really get that. Or what makes a big job a big job?

Paid vacation
benefits
set hours
actual breaks
making more than 20,000 a year

Why do we want that? Is it a form of security? Is it because maybe we care at the bar, restaurant, or brewery and the others around us don't? Honestly, I don't really know other than having something reliable and full of security.

I am trying everyday to make my life push forward and be filled with security. Though what I have learned is that what I want is a huge task. However, when I compare what I want with my friends' it's nothing different.
I'm going to own a LGBTQ bar. I want trans, non-binary, gay, lesbian, queer, bi, and whatever else you identify with to work there and be apart of it. This dream has pushed me to be other things.

This dream pushes me to start really being on top of my student loans so much so that my credit score has soared within a year and even a few months. It has pushed me to have conversations with people that I would never have. This dream is more than a dream to me...it has been my inspiration. And dear lord I hope it works out.

As I think about this and how slowly it will take...that's ok. Because my drive is making me a better responsible human being. I had the paid vacation, benefits, actual breaks, and definitely not a great salary (but thats not the point). I've never lived super comfortably and I'm not sure right now I want to.

I am tired of people pushing this idea of a norm in our society of when you should have a "real" job. Of when you should be working during the week and not on weekends. Of when you should stop waking up at 10am and start waking up at 8am. When you should have kids and with whom. People I think need to start realizing that finding something that makes you happy and content is what matters. This whole nuclear family scenario isn't really anymore and shouldn't take a precedence in your life.

I'm tired of that. We shouldn't be outcasting ourselves anymore. Remember some people work to live and others live to work. Make sure you chose the right one for yourself and shift the weight in your life so you feel more stable. If you can control it then change it.

My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people

I have not written in this blog for two years.
My excuse? I jumped outside of my head and onto the pavement. I literally found a voice outside of my head. It took years to understand that I am not shy, I am only highly "choosy" of who I talk to.

I think I would like to write more in this blog. I have had it for years so why stop?
I'm back I guess?
Who called this to my attention? Breea. She said she kept refreshing it to see if I ever wrote anything more in it. Well, here I am Breea writing hopefully you refresh soon.

I usually would use this blog to get these intense thoughts out of my head and into the vortex of the internet. A question that needed to be answered would circle in my mind for weeks until I would settle on an answer. So it is back to learning about the universe.

Let me update you on what has happened over the course of two years. I left the mental health hospital where I worked. I decided to become a bartender. I have also decided to open up a queer bar. I am no where near ashamed of my sexuality. I find myself to be spiritual but not religious. That is a true conundrum for some people to understand. I'm here for you to judge me right? NO, the answer is no but we all know you are going to anyways.

Any who now that you know every single detail of my life in the most cut throat synopsis let's move on.

I will have several grammatical errors. If you hate it then correct the grammar and let me know. I should care but having ADD and growing up in a private christian school isn't a helpful thing whatsoever.

Now that you are caught up as old and new readers we shall move on to the good stuff.

I love differently than most. Why? Because I am not like everyone else. Or so I like to think. My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people. Another reason why I haven't written in so long is because my anxiety has lessen quite a bit, hence being outside of my head. That alien in the sea of people was very real. Though as I get older I feel like I'm with a bunch of aliens in a sea of people.
I mean I got a fucking hammer tattoo with one of my best friends. That bunch of aliens has lessened my anxiety.

I used to be this girl that was fumbling through life. Absolutely fumbling and fumbling with other people. What I have noticed is we tend to find people similar to us to run life with. What I didn't notice until this week is that we also tend to find people that love similar to us. One of the best ways to know who you are in life is from a break up.

YES, I said it. I've had a few in my life whether it was a years time or months...or weeks. I have heard the same thing countless of times. "Brenna, you are real, solid, compassionate, loyal, and one of the most genuine persons I know." Of course after that they break up with me haha. It has all worked out for the better truly. And I don't have harsh feelings or oh I'm so alone. But that seriously feels amazing to look back at. Those characteristics of me is how I love.

So yes, I love in a way that if I say I am there...I am freakin there. I mean the things I say. I rarely say before I think and if I do I have learned the massive amounts of trouble I get in.

Some people may feel differently to me and if you do and if I have done wrong to you...know I am sorry. You may have captured a piece of me that was out of place. That piece that was forming into a person.

This blog is not about politics or what the hell is happening to our country. It is about my way of pushing out the pieces that are a person and filling it in with pieces of an alien. Conforming has never been my strong suit.

Are you ready to take this adventure? Get in the depths of my soul? This is your chance. And if not I always have my readers that seem to be Latin America.

Connections Should Never Be Abused

I am not sure how life moves in such a motion. Or why some have choices and others don't. There has been thoughts that have been pounding my brain for weeks and weeks. Connection doesn't always fall in your lap. It isn't something to be learned or something that you can just obtain. Connection just happens. However, some people don't always accept it or they abuse it.

For the past few months I have felt used or absorbed by people, a connection gone wrong. A connection manipulated. I tend to be this fill in person. This person that gives you all this attention and emotions. When that connection is evident I have a hard time seeing the other stuff. I get distracted in that fairytale scenario. I do stupid things to keep the connection lasting.

I have felt like a fill in girlfriend/boyfriend for a bit now. If you have ever been queer you know being someone's, who is same sexed, desired choice partner is never fun. It involves a lot of work. It involves a lot of patience. It involves a lot of you. Being a fill in girlfriend is the same thing which is pretty ironic. Connections should never be abused. I'm just sad it took me so long to understand this. Connections are meant to be fulfilling and spirited.

I've never felt so good about myself and who I am. I'm going through a pretty strange stage in my life right now. It has taken me awhile to fully grow up and deal. I have worked on myself to no end and have tried to become the best me as much as possible. I'm tired of the open ended relationships and the friendships that are occasionally there. I'm tired of the lies and deceit. I'm exhausted by people's bullshit.

Over the past few months I have obtained a friendship I thought would never happen. There was a lot of hurt feelings and bad moves when we first met. I see her almost every day now. I've never had someone be so confrontational and real before. She has taught me a lot about my self-worth and has developed my existing qualities into foundational pieces of myself. It's interesting how a toxic connection can transition into a beautiful connection. No lies, no deceit, no harm, no disrespect...

I've had a wild ride with life and there is no wonder that trauma was apart of that. I haven't been the best human in life. It has taken me years to get inside my head that things had to change. It's slow but it's there. Things haven't worked out with people for a reason. Sometimes it was my own fault, sometimes it was their's, and sometimes it was just plain mutual.

I hope that someday I meet that person and it's a no brainer that we are meant to be on both ends. The organic-ness of everything just moves like nature. However, for now I'm not going to be a fill in. It's pathetic. It's just gross and unfathomable for myself. I am better than that. I am not going to be dragged into a whirlwind of satisfying someone else and with no reciprocation. I can certainly be content on my own and intend to be until that one enters in or if they have already.

When you find yourself...don't lose yourself. Hold on to you and what makes you you. Filter out that bad. Make real connections with people and work on it with them. Don't let that fade away. I can't let connections go sometimes...but now when they turn sour I have to. I'm just tired of being lied to.

I wonder at times what if I am suppose to be just me...and then I think really hope not. I thrive on connections way too much for it to not be a thing. Solo Dolo. I'll always be there for those connections that aren't going anywhere but filling in just can't be done anymore.

Well, honestly sometimes I feel like I am an alien

I am me and no one else.
I am me and I do not have to be anyone else.
I am reserved but kind.
I am anxious but I am ready.
I am sensitive but I am honest.

I have been having this conversation with one of my best friends over a course of months. It has been stuck in my mind since November. I experienced a form of a break up that really impacted me. It was something that really makes you look at people and wonder.
I have a constant thought in my head that is, I do not understand people. I do not understand how they work or why they work the way they do.

Communication and honesty are the number ones in a relationship in my mind. I will struggle if I do not have these. They have been produced to be number ones because of past failing relationships...I actually am not really sure. Time and time again I get into things and do not understand how they get all confusing. I do not understand why people can't be honest. Life to me seems easier that way.

I have learned that I am very sensitive. I have learned that I am very private. I have learned that I get along with almost anyone. I have learned that when I start caring and allow myself to it isn't half assed. Because I am sensitive I protect myself from others and keep my feelings private and hardships out of sight.

Introspection.
It should never be not a thing.

I will inspect my heart and mind over and over again. I will take what people say about me and see if they are right. I do not enjoy critic but I do accept it. My life seems to be going faster and faster however all I want to do is to improve myself...and see people for who they are.

But yet I do not understand people. I do not understand why people have to be mean, rude, insensitive, and dishonest. I understand that hurt will forever be in people. I understand that I have the capability to be completely mean, rude, insensitive, and dishonest. I just try not to be. SO I've been trying to be quiet when I feel like I am going to be like that. I have also tried to be more honest and outspoken about how I feel.

Human.
When does saying I am only Human stop being an excuse?

I am sorry I am only human...Well, honestly sometimes I feel like I am an alien. An alien in a human's body trying to adapt to this world. Trying to understand why people have to be like people. It isn't guns, laws, government, churches, schools, and etc that is wrong with this world, it is people. They are not only the problem but the answer as well.

I am an alien. For you to figure out and for myself to figure out you. I will never be perfect. I am another alien in the sea of people.

Dear Mother's Day Nurturing Comes in All Forms

Dear Mother's Day,

I have learned to love you. I couldn't stand you for the longest time however. The way you present yourself in May catches everyone by surprise. Mothers are always busy and sometimes forget. Children tend to be reminding fathers and older siblings. Mothers are reminding mothers. I remember when I hated you. I hated you because you made it aware that my mother is in heaven.

Though over the years that have gone by I have realized that I love you, Mother's Day. Did you know you are the holiday that the church attendance is almost as high as the Christmas service? And that Father's Day is least attended...It took me awhile to understand that mothers come in all forms. Care comes in all forms. Nurturing comes in all forms.

I used to think that because I didn't have a mom anymore I couldn't celebrate you. I could remember my mom and pay tribute to her but I couldn't take her out to breakfast or make her some craft that she would enjoy. I couldn't spend the entire day with my mom doing whatever she wanted to do. I would though become jealous of people that had a living mom. I even became jealous of people that were moms.

Mother's Day you made me so sad in the past. You were an awful reminder of what I didn't have anymore. Mother's day you still make me sad but you also make me overjoyed. I think of my sister-n-laws who are now mothers. How brave, courageous, strong, resilient, unstoppable, and humble they are. I think about my friend's mothers...knowing some may not be the best but how blessed I am that their child is my friend because they gave birth to them or they were the ones who mothered them. I think about the ones who mothered and keep showing their mother qualities to me. I think about my father who has had to change and require some motherly skills. I think about the ones who don't have mothers or their mother isn't the greatest human. I'm not glad that I was given the ability to sympathize with them. I am glad that I can sympathize with them.

Mother's day you remind me that I have a lot of work to do in order to be the amazing mother my Mom was to me. I realize a lot of the times my blog focuses on the issue of my Mom's death. It is because that event has impacted me in a way only a handful will understand.
Mother's day you remind me how amazing my Mom was and this is how amazing she was:

She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 4. I believe she was 36. For the next 13 years of her life she battled the on and off again fight of cancer. At the beginning of the diagnoses she was given I believe a year or maybe 2 to live. She is considered a miracle. She raised 5 children and lost one at the age of 4. She worked part time and still managed to decorate a beautiful home, have a wonderful home cooked dinners and desserts practically every night (when we were given meals when she was recovering from treatment or surgery, we would complain that it wasn't her cooking), she wrangled all 4 children to clean the house and do yard work every Saturday, she danced in the kitchen and blared Celine Dion, she would set new clothes on my bed when I got home, she attended my last volleyball game even though she was in a wheelchair, she was amazing at making anyone feel loved and appreciated...the list goes on in how this woman was a warrior.

Mother's Day I appreciate you being a holiday because if you weren't there I wouldn't be able to celebrate my saint of a mom or the people in my life that have mothered me along this journey with my own mom.

Love,
Brenna

This week I would like to take each day as a day to appreciate someone.This life is too insane not too. There are incredible people all around you and even the ones you might not be on good terms with...they are incredible too. We often think of these holidays as something that is so constricting and it can only fit one mold. That is highly untrue. We can make this holiday into whatever we need realistically.What I do know for certain is that I will be celebrating my Mom and the ones who have mothered me along the way.

I was this human that wasn't human but a shell. I was a vessel for toxic tendencies.

I'm an observer. It is something that has portrayed me as shy and quiet. However, if I am comfortable with you and have plenty of sleep I am not shy and quiet. I like to watch people and listen to people. I presume that people don't always find this as true. I do not ask people to understand me. I ask people to not assume.

When I first start to get involved with someone I tend to be hyper aware but intrigued at the same time. Talking about myself, like most people, comes easy to me although opening up about the dark corners of my heart and mind are troubling. I get attached easy. I want to relate as well. Though opening those dark corners is opening myself up in ways not many people receive.

I recently got out of a relationship a bit ago. I'm not one to over analyze too much but I am one to try and understand what happened and how did it happen. I started to not feel heard. I started to feel as though my problems were not big enough to be heard. My heart retracted and started to detach. I drew back and started to observe again, to understand the situation. It was already too late. Things happen to us and we instantly argue and think that it is the other person's fault. Oddly enough, it so could happen to be that the issue was mutual.

When someone critics my character, life choices, personality, and the like I want to change it for the better whether it is true or not. I become quiet and observe in my own life at my own self. I look around and see how people interact with me. I have dealt with a lot of anger in my life and it doesn't suit me anymore. It impinges my heart in a way that I can't stand.

A simplistic lifestyle is something I enjoy. Admittedly, I like the expensive things and all the tasty foods but I find when I cultivate simplistic values and experiences I am more happy. It is a viewpoint that can change your world view dramatically.

The pain I have felt and have had to deal with is a lot to say the least. My story is my story. When I work with my patients, kids and teenagers who are mentally unstable, I see my younger self sometimes. The scary thing is I could of benefited from going to intense therapy or maybe even a partial program at a mental health hospital. There were times were I couldn't think clearly for more than a hour. I was this human that wasn't human but a shell. I was a vessel for toxic tendencies.

It has only been three years that I have felt me. I have experienced the real me. I find that relationships have been easier to build and maintain. I have two people in my life that I cannot imagine life without. They have seen me at my worse, have felt my worse, seen my best, have felt my best, and have guided me. My love for them is a great and empowering love.

I have been observing again. I've been observing people I once knew only a month ago. I'm observing people I just met. I have been observing how people relate to me and I relate to them. I have been observing how people dissociate and associate to pain in their own lives. It has taught me that change is possible and a human is complex. It takes more than a few months or even a year to fully know a human. I can't judge a human in my life solely on a few months of knowing them. I wouldn't want that for myself.

I believe the best way to get to really know someone and who they are is to see how they deal with pain. In that you will find how resilient they are, how determined, how resourceful, how spiritual, how loving and caring, and how their body heals mentally...what being healthy is for them.

Trauma doesn't understand healing.

Beauty and honesty can go hand in hand. There is beauty in honesty and honesty in beauty. This is something I've been trying to write for years and years but there never seemed a right time until now. 

4:09am. I’ve woken up between 3am and 4am for years now. It’s my fears and tears still trickling in. Somehow now I can’t shake it off. In October it will be 9 years. When I was living on the coastline in the sunshine there was this timeline that has forever impacted me. It sometimes prevents me to make contact with the most simplest interactions. 

4:09am. My brother woke me up. 4:09am my brother woke me up on October 31st, 2007. It wasn’t to prepare for all those early trick or treaters. But it definitely felt like a trick, like weighted bricks on my back ready to somehow attack me to the point that I wake up now between 3am and 4am every night. 

She would make me one of my favorite desserts. Combining egg whites with cake batter to make me angel food cake. Hearing her chatter in the kitchen to some best friend for hours. Outside in the sunshine I would be picking flowers for her to say I was sorry for splattering the batter all over the floor. 

She nicknamed me precious and called me the icing on her cake. Once in awhile I would let her dress me in pink and think thats what I wanted…though all that would happen would be a bellyache growing inside me. I was her little girl, her only girl. I wasn’t allowed to like girls. 

4:09am I woke up to my brother saying “It’s time.” He couldn’t utter the words, for saying She’s dead, she died, it happened, forms an instant stutter in your mouth like peanut butter incrusted on your lips. You dip into this mood that forms an eternal feeling of feeling like your unveiling your deepest self every time someone asks “Where does your mom live?” “What does she do for a living?"

After dinner, my dad asked me if I was willing to give my mom a shower. A tower of the most uncomfortable feelings surrounded me. The cancer spread from her breast to her hip to her lungs to her brain. I wasn’t trained for this. I didn’t understand this. 16 and showering the vomit from your mother’s body. Her mind was losing control only to show me tell me with smile before I showered her, “It’s like your my mother now.” 

When trauma sets in with a warning or not, the impact is an attack for your entire life. Cutting in like a serrated knife and trying to gain friction to get away from the affliction and constriction. Oh, Momma there is always this drama in my life. I’ve been in a coma, this comatose state. I let depression hit me like a freight train that I couldn’t tame for years. I got my diploma like I said. I forgot your aroma and the sound of your voice. I make choices sometimes that hurt the ones around me only to ground me so no one gets too close. I break down and bring down, let down because trauma…doesn’t understand healing. 

When I was 16, 4 in the morning was her last breath on Halloween. Trauma. Tragic trauma. It has made me strong and create these bonds with certain humans. It has made me frustrate and deflate others. I’m tragically imperfect and I don’t need your verdict to know. But yes this is me, this is my circuit. I try to rewire and resurface myself because trauma doesn’t understand healing. Healing understands feelings even the most unappealing feelings. So yes I am selfish because one day you will die too and I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.

B I T C H

We hear this word more often than not. It doesn’t have to be before a gun shot goes off. Or after the thought of someone mistreating another. Don’t bother to guess because I’ll tell you anyways. The word we used started to describe a female dog. And not the kind that just sits on a log waiting to be petted. No, this kind of dog is the one that's over sexed. Or how they say it? in heat. Let me not beat around the bush but it may used when a woman is not in heat but being beaten. Normally it isn’t for the women that are sweetened a little, no its the women that seem to taste like a lemon. It’s not for the smitten kitten who seems to be wearing mittens sitting in the kitchen on Reddit. Its for the villain or the timid chicken in the story. Its the timid chicken swimming in someone else’s linens in prison.

The word is bitch. When I get nervous I itch the side of my arm or the side of my head. This word bitch makes me itch and twitch. A bit ago I found myself on the ridge of this word though I think I found a bridge that doesn’t glitch. A bridge to start to build the gap and remove it from the word witch or bewitched. It removes the word from bullying. Mistreating. It helps to improve us, women. It’s called conversation and to remove the starvation of attention to this word. I call to attention the usage and the abusive tendency it has to offer.

Feminist are starting to change it or is that just Beyonce. Or I’m I saying Beyonce because I like to use Beyonce in all my spoken words? Bow down bitches? Or is the  mountain range feminist have to climb high and far but by far this is one word has to change.

Then there is another phrase that has been developing. The ways in which it seems to be staying is relevant in that fact that we now dress up as them in Halloween, even the tweens do. In today culture it may seem native to this breed and it is anything but invasive...or is it? Basic bitch. A basic bitch defined in my handy dandy urban dictionary comes out to be a “bum-ass woman who think she the shit but really ain’t”, although the one that struck in my head the most was number 4, “A person, particularly a female, who believes they are the shit because they own a certain type of clothing/material that differentiates them from other people. They may also believe they hold a higher standard then regular people.” Somebody who is boring and unoriginal....They are not scoring or roaring their achievements, they are pouring with snoring attitudes.

But when you think basic bitch, all you think is a bland white female middle upper class woman. Is the term tearing down a culture? A gender? Or is it just fun to say?
When we surrender to this terminology, we render the word and make in slender than the actually meaning by putting all the definitions in a blender and calling it funny.

Is it acceptable? Are we making this word adaptable? IF the skeleton of the word falls in to the wrong hands it does make it extremely terrible. My dream however is to ream out the ugliness of the word bitch and be able to scream it whenever. The word when you say it makes you feel some type of power. Is that good? Beyonce does say bow down bitches but Jay Z says 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one...
What does the word bitch do to you? Does it itch the back of your throat and make your voice go into a high pitch? Is your brain unhitched from your tongue which makes it impossible for you to see that the word bitch, basic bitch, bitches, needs some action, some reaction?

If you call me a bitch I won’t twitch, flinch, and have an allergic reaction to this transaction but let it roll off your tongue because it has flung off my tongue like a pile dung before. It has sprung out and stung the ones close by me. But when I say “My Chain hits my chest/When I’m banging on the dashboard/My chain hits my chest/When I’m banging on the radio” I feel like a bad bitch.

Rest in My Laughter

"A tornado flew around my room before you came

Excuse the mess it made, it usually doesn't rain

In Southern California, much like Arizona"

Alarm off no wait alarm to snooze. Ten more minutes

"A tornado flew around my room before you"

Alarm off. Get up. Change my clothes. wash my face. put something on my face. do something with this hair. 

Go downstairs. Make coffee. Make lunch. make breakfast.

Get in the car. clock in. sit down for report. 

Read through the sheet. Act like nothing bothers you. nothing bothers anyone here. Then wait you see something huge and the words “What the fuuuu?!?” spew out. 

I have these stories jumbled in my head.

I force them in sometimes so they don’t tumble out to the floor. 

They will either bore them or frighten them and silence ensues. 

Kids yelling Kids screaming. Kids saying Fuck you. 

little hands doing grown up things. 

little minds not so little here. 

though most of the stories make me laugh. and when you bring them to the surface for others to hear there is no laughter. 

But when you work my job, laughter is what saves you. bow down to laughter. behave in front of it or it disowns you.

I’ve been swung at, I’ve been cursed at by a 6 year old, I’ve been grabbed at, my chest has been grabbed. But I haven’t been bitten, yet. Though my clothes have been ripped. 

I’ve been a support system….a safe ground. I smile to find and hide in your pocket forever. I’ve been a friend for 8 hours. I’ve secretly cried on the inside when they told me their story. 

I’ve asked them, if you could combine two animals what would it be and what would you call it?

I’ve asked them, you have two months to travel all paid for where do you go?

I’ve asked them, you are stranded on an island what two items that you can buy on amazon would you pick?

I haven’t asked…how long did it take you to make those scars on your arms? I haven’t asked how did you escape from that last mental hospital? I haven’t asked what did you think about last night in those super fucking cold rooms?

Instead I make them think and tink around their mind to find that someone here is willing to be their friend. and not have to bend over backwards. 

Performance performance performance appraisal. one year down in the pin. at work I try to do my best in any situation even if this might not be my vocation. Someone mentioned that I appeared unprofessional but over all I was professional. I get it. I’m too funny for work. I get it I’m too laid back for kids who talk to doctors all day. that see shadows in their room. that think the only way to survive is to die. I get it my humor isn't wanted. I get it having my mom die and falling into thoughts of suicide means I can’t be professional and having my degrees in Psych doesn’t mean a thing. I get it. 

though Laughter, I want to laugh. I want to laugh like a giraffe does, isn’t that a funny picture? I want to laugh like the golden cafe did when the Israelites were anxious for Moses to come down. I want to practice a level of care that isn't obnoxious, that doesn’t make you anxious, that isn’t being an actress or actor like that other doctors, I want to be a blank canvas for those who are anxious, obnoxious, actress or actors 

The factor is, what are you going to do when they reach the boiling point reactor. You gotta be the butt joint to hinge the joint from rage to a page of chronic laughter.

Being harmonic with not their demonic side but the laughter that's inside. 

When the page turner comes around in report and nothing makes sense to how they are acting…you gotta say What the fuck is going on…If I have to spit and spat like donald duck to make one of them laugh then I can pass that on as a success that I did my best. 

This life isn't a bust rather its an opportunity to be great

The process of growing is such a concept. It's almost as if personal growth is just like your body growing from a child to an adult. Things don't fit the same way they used to. Your voice changes and you learn knew inflections. Your hair changes colors. The pains in your legs start happening as the body grows taller. And when the years pass you look completely different. The process was probably expensive and sometimes the pains really hurt but you changed.

I've been experiencing a lot of personal growth lately. Those growing pains are for sure getting to me. My father keeps reminding me that I need to let the process take place and I need to ask for it. It is a hard pill to swallow but I swallowed it. My body needs so much sleep lately just to keep my mind processing.

Push myself. Allow the pushing. Excel in the pushing.

I've realized time and time again my stubbornness never fails me. I do not really get giving up or finding the easy way out. Because it's just going to come around again and bite you in the ass. I learn quickly but I also fall into the hard way of things. So this personal growth thing is always a struggle for me.

When I was depressed and anxious all the time a few years ago I couldn't understand the world. My eyes were cloaked by the black curtain of depression. Even grasping the concept of personal growth wasn't an option. The option was staying alive. When you meet a person that has ever dealt with something like that it's probably a good idea to get to know them. They can be such a talented and amazing person. That path of growth is one of the hardest things to do. However, when you do get past it the things you have learned about love, connection, humans, beauty, compassion, intellect, kindness, grace, and etc are extremely exciting and a great experience to encounter.

When I start dating someone or become friends with them I come off as thoughtful, caring, and really nice. There's a reason for that. I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did. I'm not doing it for you to push me over or around. I'm not trying to subject myself to be subjected by someone else. I've been through a lot and at times my life really isn't easy. So I am going to try my hardest to make you feel special. That's what personal growth does to you. It changes your character.

I'm human like the rest of you. I might show my darkness a little more than others but it's all apart of being honest and real. If you can't handle being around someone who has struggled with trauma ya gotta gtfo. You're not willing to get know them. Even though they could be a big blessing to you. They could change your life. I'm not optimistic or a pessimistic. I'm in-between. I am me. This life isn't a bust rather its an opportunity to be great.

To further my personal growth I'm going to try and finally perform my spoken words in public again. Maybe write a new one.

The only person that made it extra special was my mom

It is January. A new year has rolled in and has magically made the last year disappear, or so it seems. January is one of my favorite months. I love the new year and celebrating it. It reminds of new life, new chances, a fresh start, and honestly it feels like the moment you step into the shower. It's this cleanse that provides these moments of new chances. The other part of January is my birthday.

In my house your birthday was very special. The only person that made it extra special was my mom. When I was younger and even well in my teens, I would come home to new clothes on my bed. Of course they would be on sale. Sometimes I loved them and sometimes I secretly hated them. That was just on random days. Your birthday was ten times better. When it was my birthday I got to open my presents in the morning before school. One year that was close to when my mom was getting really sick, I had my driver's ed training and she pulled out a sweatshirt that was suppose to be for my birthday but my birthday was months away. I didn't know it at the time of course but I think she knew her time was coming and decided to give me something before she passed away. When I come across my birthday I become so grateful. I am granted another year of life to spend with the people I love.

At the hospital I work at a lot of teenagers come in for depression, suicidal ideation, and suicidal attempts. When holidays come around I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to embrace them. When my birthday comes around I want to tell them every reason why they should keep on living. The year after my mom passed away I dealt with suicidal ideation. I had a lot of anxiety, depression, and just simply grief. Getting passed it was the hardest thing I think I have encountered with. Defeat was always around the corner. However, being 24 going on 25 I have this appreciation for life that I cannot explain. Life can be explained in that cliché way of it being a gift but I think its more than that.

It is a gift that keeps on giving. A lot of people prefer not be given flowers but instead a plant or even a small tree. I love that idea. My family has always done that when something is a bit more serious. A tree keeps on growing and if it produces fruit, it provides food. Even if it doesn't provide fruit, it provides shade or a home for an animal. I want to be a tree. I want to give a gift that keeps on giving.

25 is this number that could be overwhelming for some. It is a bit overwhelming for me. I absolutely miss my mom during this time. I wonder at times what it would be like if she was here. I'm sure I would receive some type of present(s) in the mail. Though honestly I would love to just pick up the phone and talk to her. Tell her everything about myself at 25. Tell her about my job and how she would be genuinely interested in it. Tell her about all the dates I've been on. I know she wouldn't be happy about me not going to church and I would hear lectures about it. Although, I always come back to the point that if she had never died I would never be who I am today. Sadly, I think I am better person because of her death.

When birthdays come some people avoid them and/or don't even tell anyone about it. I do not understand that. Celebrate your life because it can be gone or destroyed at any moment.

Intentionally Thinking to Be Intentionally Found: When You Rediscover rupi kaur

I have never been intimated to not put myself in something. Most of the time my actions are very intentional. I strive to be true in every motion I take. I tend to have my emotions be my compass. Now that is not intentional. It is actually far from it. I have to be intentional to use my logic.

As I have gotten older this has become easier and easier. Although, the initial hurt is the hardest. The first few days are actually kind of terrifying. My mind remembers hurt all to well. The more I mask it, the more I will not be able to deal with it. Strategy...it is all about the strategy.

I'm getting a little tired of being alone. It isn't that I don't know how to be, but it is more because I get tastes of what it is not like. It is like knowing what your favorite food is and every time you buy it you think you are getting the whole thing. But when you open the packaging it is only a taste.

A poet that I find to be the most inspirational to people, mainly women, that have felt lost in human relationships is Rupi Kaur. I found her to be such an awesome healing poet. Her words speak truth in pain and in healing. She puts strength in you that you as reader thought you lost. I am impressed.

This excerpt is a little long, I know, but it hits it on the head for me. I've lately in the past few years have experienced some rough break ups. They all have had some things in common. That common attribute may be because I haven't found the right person or I just love connecting with people whoever it is. I'm going to share it.

"i will tell you about selfish people. even when they know they will hurt you they walk into your life to taste you because you are the type of being they don’t want to miss out on. you are too much shine to not be felt. so when they have gotten a good look at everything you have to offer. when they have taken your skin your hair and your secrets with them. when they realize how real this is. how much of a storm you are and it hits them. that is when the cowardice sets in. that is when the person you thought they were is replaced by the sad reality of what they are. that is when they lose every fighting bone in their body and leave after saying “you will find better than me”. you will stand there naked with half of them still hidden somewhere inside you and sob. asking them why they did it. why they forced you to love them when they had no intention of loving you back and they’ll say something along the lines of “i just had to try, i had to give it a chance, it was you after all.” but that isn’t romantic. it isn’t sweet. the idea that they were so engulfed by your existence they had to risk breaking it for the sake of knowing they weren’t the one missing out. your existence meant that little next to their curiosity of you. that is the thing about selfish people. they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world and the next they have belittled you to a mere picture, a moment, something of the past. one second, they swallow you up and whisper they want to spend the rest of their life with you but the moment they sense fear, they are already halfway out the door. without having the nerve to let you go with grace, as if the human heart means that little to them. and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve. isn’t it sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologize. for the loss."

this is how you lose her - rupi kaur 

Life is intriguing. I have known for awhile now that I feel and love deeply. I do not tread lightly. Because of this I do hurt deeply. The people that have entered my life I have learned a great deal that I do not regret. They have pushed me forward to be a better human being to myself and to others. How have they pushed me? They have hurt me in a way that takes me forever to forgive. Because of this it has made me strive. I love challenges even if the beginning of it is rough. I want to be feared. I want to be feared in a way that makes you want to be around me. It seems so strange to say but I want my best to be with someone who is at their best. And if their best or my best is troubled I want to be able to carry them or them carry me. I need it to be long lasting. I want to know what I am when I love deeply for longer than I have known. How great that experience will be. 

I felt this loving my mom. I have felt this in a 3 month relationship and so on.

 People and actions are intriguing to me. They are intriguing to me even if I'm on the other side of their action. How people respond and articulate communications of want, needs, and loves is intriguing. It is how poems are made and songs are written.  

I haven't written a blog in a while. Not because I didn't want to but because I had nothing to write about. I had no crazy ideas or thought provoking story. There was just peace and ease in me. Of course that changed and a bit of emotions spilled out. That is ok because it happened at a time that needed to happen. I did not realize that. I didn't think I needed it. I don't think I needed it in the form it came in but we can't control that. 

I'm on the journey again. Ready to move again. I thought that dream was set aside but its in the fore front of my thoughts now. Definitely not to escape but to be challenged by something new. I just had to be patient. Intentionally thinking to be intentionally found. 

Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

October already has been a bit anxious. It is warm here in Michigan and it reminds me of California going into fall. The days are still hot but the nights are cool. I wonder how the ocean feels right about now. Fall is an interesting time for me. The month of October brings a lot of triggers to my life. I only spent one fall in California since my mom passed. So after I was 16 I've spent every fall in Michigan. It is certainly beautiful during this time of year.

I had a very hard time in college after my moms death. I was a tornado and hurricane. My feelings were up and down like the waves. I never hated myself, I just hated my emotions. It has taken me years to recover. College is a evidence for that.

Lately, I've been wanting to have guidance from my mom. She has always been my guiding light. I recently watched a film and in it there was a concept that was revealed. You do not stop getting to know someone after they die unless you stop paying attention to them. That rings very true. There are so many things I wish I could ask my mom but sometimes I find the answer in myself. She was my mother...I am her child. I'm similar to her even if I am also similar to my dad.

There are many things I wish I could tell her now and discuss with her. However, I cannot do so. Though if I listen closely I can hear her in the choices I make. I can hear her in the warm breeze that ruffles my hair. I can hear her clapping and dance as I do in the kitchen. I can feel her peach fuzz across my cheek whenever I feel mine.

It is funny because when Michigan changes in seasons I remember a lot more of what has happened in the last 8 or so years. Those memories aren't very good but I do find my gems. I find things that I cherish and they usually involve my loves. My loves meaning my friendships...

Connections have always taunted me in a way. I thrive off of them and usually get bored without them. Connections drive us. I found this passage from John Welwood and it is called Soul Connections. "A soul connection not only inspires us to expand, but also forces us to confront whatever stands in the way of that expansion." I fall heavy on this. The passage compares a heart connection with a soul connection and how the connection is far deeper and overall healthier. I've only had this with a few people in my life. Though one of the persons is my mom.
Some people hate their moms or their moms just aren't good people. I feel my soul connection with my mom even though she isn't physically here anymore.

Halloween is strange. The day my mother passed. Fitting isn't it? I kinda like that its on that day. For me it just pulls all together. At first I hated it but I've learned to not fight it. When the season changes to fall I feel a flood of emotions. I filter through them and weed out the "dumb" ones. My life is chaotic most of the time but I honestly wouldn't know what to do if it settled down. So I will listen to weird halloween music and watch scary movies. I will light pumpkin candles and eat pumpkin pie. I will become reserved but just enough for myself to process.

If you have ever experienced a traumatic event never rush your process and never for guilty for crying. Listen and learn from how your body responds. It is ok to remember.

My mother I miss you every day and there hasn't been day that I haven't thought of you. You are my light. You are my hero. I will keep getting to know you as the days pass. I love you.

There is a saying by Eleanor Roosevelt

Often in my life there a lot of things going on. In many people's lives there are often a lot of things going on. We usually do not hear about it or take the time to ask. I'm a verbal processor so if I feel comfortable in the relationship I will share. However, there are some things in my life that I have to share. For an example, where do your parents live? Well, my dad lives in San Diego but my mom is dead. Or how many siblings do you have? I have four brothers but one was killed before I was born. The following conversations can be a little awkward. Though I always have something going on in my life. It is never a dull moment.

I now have a "new" car. It is entirely an A to B car. The other day I got off of work and go over to start my car. It is dead. I got it jumped and working but the frustration inside of me was just too great. I always feel on the defense with life. Not that it is out to get me but that I am on defense. And if that striker makes a goal then life has won. There is a saying by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not just a person can make you feel inferior but life can make you feel inferior too. In many instances I give life consent to make me feel inferior.

I think it is time to reorganize and become silent. In silence we may find truth and be humbled by the truth. I do not want to be grabbed into this world of confusion and possibilities of mistakes. Silence can be in a lot of different forms. It is not just silencing your mind or even your voice. It can be silencing parts of your lives that are making too much noise. The noise they are producing is not efficient or beneficial to you.

One of the reasons I love to do woodworking is because during the time I am doing it. I do not have to speak or listen to anyone at all. Sometimes the power tools are too loud and I can't even hear my music. Being in that moment is wonderful. No one on the street will talk to me and I do not have to look up. It is this untentional silence that I give myself. Untentional silence is beautiful but when intentional silence is achieved it is more than beautiful.

When my world is full of noise I want to have intentional silence. In Southern California I had places I would go to breath. I would be in places I took for granted. In Michigan I have found it hard to find those places but partly because I haven't searched. When my world is full of noise I will have these places to breath that are filled with silence.

Inferior. Life made me inferior and I consented to it. It makes me angry and frustrated though it is what it is and that is truth.

Validate Me

As I am living through life my journeys are becoming more than experience but validation. Of course there are lessons that are exposed still but validation is certainly real. My trip back home was very interesting.

When I went home I had no idea what to expect. I knew that my time there would go by very fast. It was very special to have one of my good friends with me along for the journey. Her ease and calmness eased and calmed me down in stressful situations. Going home is a very loaded phrase.

I journey back to the place where my mom physically exists. The walls in the house were touched by her hands. The notes in her handwriting are tucked away in boxes. Her decorations pulled from the walls and stored in old bedrooms. The sadness is soaked into the furniture. It seems easier to avoid it all but it really isn't. I love the house but the memories weigh it down.

Going back to San Diego validated me that moving back to Grand Rapids was a good decision. Even though moving back was for guy, it still ended up being a good idea. I'm very happy that I realized this. I also realized that I can't live in the suburbs just yet. The city, however big it is, still has my heart.

There was a card my mom gave me on her last birthday. It's a very true and sad card. She wrote about how proud she was of me and apologized for having cancer. Two months later she passed away. I think she knew she was dying. I think she wanted to use this card as her final words to me. I think it was impossible to admit to her kids head on that she was dying. She never wrote a thank you card to me for anything except for this time. She always used her words. When I read it this past week I knew I was going cry before I even read it. That card made me feel the present, past, and future all at once. It gave me validation for where I am heading in life. The past still believes in my pursuits.

I am me and losing sight of who I am is death to me. I do not want to be persuaded by falsehoods. This life is crazy as it is and making rash decisions isn't so much my thing anymore. I will be spontaneous in other aspects of my life.

Figuring out who you are is what life is about. We are too busy figuring out life when life in us has to be figured out first. When we learn how we ourselves respond to situations, events, and other people, I think we can then start to figure out why we were put on this Earth. I am creative, thoughtful, fearful, stubborn, alive, a bit damaged, aggressive, easily frustrated, concerned, respectful, loved, slowly learning, rash, hopeful, and so many other things. I think me as a whole creates Brenna. I am designed and created to do a certain life. I know that it involves people, art, and adventure. What a life...

I struggle a lot of times because I feel very deeply. I get confused by my emotions a lot of times. I have had to learn how to prove what lies and truths I tell myself. One emotion that has a grasp on me so strong is fear. When my mom passed away fear doubled in size. It has taken me so much time and work to handle and disprove the fear. I have had to be very intentional on how to handle my emotions and force logic into it all. I know that so many people do not struggle with deep emotions. In the past I felt very foreign to my family and friends. I felt like I had way too many problems. That idea of myself was a lie. I am me. I am Brenna. If I have to work hard at bettering myself then so be it. I am unique. Life is unique in every perspective.

To have validation is very important to me in many ways. It is most important from my family and friends. So when I read that thank you card I felt so much validation from my mom. How incredibly cool is that. Her words from the past has spoken more to me now than it did in the moment that I first read that card. I am thankful for it and encouraged.

I've chosen to let life lure them out

There has been a lot of things raffling in my mind. I've chosen to let life lure them out of me instead of forcing them out. I've been managing this well I think. Though has topics start to drift out and I have to deal with it, it really sucks. For the first time there is something I want to share on this blog but I can't. I can't for a lot of reasons. Reasons that have their own set of consequences.
I'm here waiting to be discovered somehow and its drenching my soul. And when I mean "be discovered" I mean finding the thing where my heart sings.

I have started to put on shows that include musicians and writers. Lately, there hasn't been a lot of writers so I just fill those slots with my material. I don't mind doing it because it forces me to write. My shows have been received well and people seem to enjoy them. When the show is finished my heart sings.

I haven't been enjoying work. It just ends being exhausting and draining. I've been having to rethink my attitude towards work. This is my job right now and I need to be going into it right. I'm taking care of patients and if my attitude is sour...I can't handle the feeling of how it could come across to them.

Adding chapters...I want the next chapters to be exciting and irresistible. I need it to be. I'm thriving for something to make me explode in a good way. I want to be able to anticipate this without being let down. I'm so tired of being let down.

My dad texted me the other day, "Hey do you want mom's gowns?". What this meant, if you don't want them then I'm going to give them to goodwill. What this meant to me was I don't care about gowns because they are useless to me. But I care that they were my mom's. I care that she wore them. I care that she picked them and bought them. But I don't need them nor do I really want them. I just want them to exist as her gowns. I left work that day so angry. I wanted to scream and I did. I wanted to punch something so I did. I wanted to talk it out so I did. I let my heart sing in a different way.

When there is a lot going on in my head I feel like I have a ton of energy to expel. I want it gone because it just builds up like lightening might come out of me. I get close to what I want but it really never stays. It's fleeting. This isn't to say that I'm not happy that isn't completely true. Being stagnate for me is completely intolerable.

Life is a twisted game and the game is played differently. Everyone handles situations differently and on their own time. I have no idea how to play this game. It's set on difficult with one life left. At the end of the day what makes it all worth it is that somehow I can share my experience. Converse with others. Feel loved and give love. What makes it all worth it is knowing that I am worthy and that I can do this. It seems very lonely a lot of the times but it also isn't a lot of times. It might look differently than I expected.

It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

This past week has been a test to my sanity. It has been proven time and time again that when stress from all angles enters my life I stand on a thin wire. I have worked really hard with my internal problems and have created coping skills to try and deal with things.

One of my biggest coping skills is driving and doing errands. Or driving to a coffee shop and getting a bit further away from house. It lets me think clear and lets me deal with a problem one at a time. Its one of my favorite things to do in all honesty. I get to be alone and I get be doing something productive. I can't lay around the house all day and be fine. I've never been able to do that. I get very restless and my anxiety rises.

Something very frustrating happened to me last week. My car decided that it needed be fixed and the price would be between 1500-2000. Yea, so not driving José anymore. He was a great car. I imagined he was a small man named José. My choices are to sell him on craigslist or junk for cash.

I've been carless. For people it is fine and ok. For me however I feel trapped. I feel suffocated. I feel as though I can't breath. I hate relying on people. I hate having to. I'm pretty sure that it all stems from when my mom passed away and I decided to escape. Escape to Michigan and go to Calvin College. Haha and then try to be super independent. Or the time where I couldn't take Michigan anymore and escaped to a semester in Spain.

When I feel suffocated it is tremendous and I freak out.  A few days ago I couldn't handle it. It was too much and I basically did all my hobbies in one day. I freaked out. The beginning of a panic attack started to creep up on me really really fast. My main response to this is talking it out seriously. No one was really answering. So I moved on to the next coping skill and things started to become clear again.

Today I was thinking about how crazy it is that an item of mine could be so important. Its meaning that it has for me is a lot more than I thought it was. I really enjoy becoming more simplistic in life. I really don't need to fancy tv or the fancy couch. Would it be nice, of course. But I think I met my one thing...that one thing that it seems hard to live without, a car...transportation.

When you lose your coping skill for awhile it is a terrible feeling to have and I do not think most people will ever have that feeling. My worse fear is being suffocated physically and/or mentally. It has always been that. It's my flaw. My biggest flaw that is the root of it all.

It has taken me a long time to find that out. And lately I have been feeling suffocated for awhile but I'm still here miraculously breathing.

Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends

"Moving on" has been a very impactful phrase in my life. The words I think can sting or be forever untrue. They can be helpful sometimes but that depends on when they are said and who says them.

I think the most important person to tell you to move on is yourself. I've been in three different scenarios that these words have been useful and they have also been so completely wrong. One situation that was incredibly useful for those words was when a former best friend just destroyed my heart. 

The relationship was good in the ways we both needed it at that time. However, boundaries were crossed, things happened, we were unhealthy and relied on each other too much. We weren't independent from each other. Then things just fell apart in such a dramatic way. The relationship was so useful to say "move on". It was defiantly time and defiantly needed. I miss that relationship sometimes though. I was young and way more reckless. I was getting through my mother's death and trying to find ways to cope. 

No one ever said it to me but I sensed it from them when I talked. I would become confused by it and shut people out as much as I could. Some years after my mom passed away I thought that moving on was what I needed to do. I thought that was what people eventually did. Although, over the years I found that it was completely wrong. You don't get over death and move you. It isn't simple like that. Instead you find life, find coping skills, and you most certainly find love. You don't move on, you hold on. Grief is one wild ride and at times it takes no survivors. It never gives up but you have the power to decrease its voice. Not silence it because that will make it worse but instead take it in and show that you can handle it. Make it listen to music. Have it take a peaceful walk. Take it out to dinner with friends. Introduce it to God and find out that they are already friends. Moving on from death has no form. Living your life does. 

The other moment that moving on had some space in the room was the break up I recently went through. I've never been head over heels. I've also never really wanted to date. Going on dates yes but never really wanted to be with someone for more than a month. The world is so big! How could you even think my life had room for that! That sounds so wrong but when I get seriously involved with someone I'm loyal. Though sometimes people take you by surprise. Yea I fell hard...

I fell even harder when we broke up and even harder for the reason why. I told myself to move on and keep pushing to move on. It had to happen. I had to let it happen. 

There are some things that don't need to move on and there are some things that need to move on. 

Moving on is the process of healing the heart in a certain way. It's a harsh way for certain problems. But once you move on you can enjoy the mountains again. You can enjoy the sunset and sunrise again. You can enjoy life. Live life.

I'm not fond of grudges. They seem to just hurt more than they are worth it. They feel dirty to me and unattractive. Grudges can be confused with proceeding pain. Moving on doesn't always mean the pain is gone. Moving on can mean removing the grudge. How magical is that? Pretty awesome I think. So when you think about moving on from something think about why you should, the benefits, and then how you should move on. 

However to put the blame on a gender is wrong

This past weekend I spent some time with some great friends. I visited my best friend in Pittsburgh and for the first day I went along with her and explored the city. We talked, walked, hugged, embraced our time together and waited for the others to join us. The weekend I must say was inspiring for me.

I often experience traveling as my source of stress release. I find that my mind can become open and I can find new meaning in things. Part of it is because you really do not have responsibilities when you travel. Your only responsibility is to experience. So I found new meaning in having intentional conversations. However, most of the conversations I have with the people I spent this weekend seem effortless and even though the conversations can be intentional.

We talked about women, women's rights, unjust issues, our opinions, the goodness of each other, and brought up topics to see what others thought about an issue. I think that as my generation begins to become the new young adults I am thankful in where I fell into.

I am white. I am female. I am blonde. I am 23 almost 24. I have a black cat. I live with three women. I live in a safe but busy neighborhood. I am healthy. I have my B.A in Psychology. I have two jobs. I have a semi functioning car. I am christian. This is who I am.

Of course all of these things I am thankful for. Though what I am most thankful for is that I had the opportunity to be raised in Southern California. Not only for the weather and the landscape but also for the diversity. I am thankful for that. I also thankful for, and I have been having trouble with saying this but I am starting to believe that it is ok, having friends of color.

I have learned a great deal about life from those two things. Living in the Midwest has been very eye opening in many ways. If I didn't fit in in California I certainly fit in in the Midwest solely based on my appearance. I find that incredible....incredibly sad. Observing how people are here has been interesting.

There a lot of times that I am more of a listener and observer in conversation. However if the conversation is silent I will try to break the silence. I have listened to a lot of conversations. I like to take them in and them sink into my brain. I want to think about them and see where I agree or disagree or simply learn more about the persons in the conversation. I tend to choose to do this and no it isn't because I'm shy or quiet because if you really knew me...you would know thats true. I've been like this since I was little. My mom didn't understand why I was so "quiet", she mentioned this to a friend and after she passed the friend told me about this.

So next time I'm in the room and I'm not talking...now you know why. Anyways, this past weekend the majority of the topic was about women. Sexual assault towards women. I know three as of now of my female friends who have been sexually assaulted. I'm not comfortable sharing my experience more because I haven't told anyone about it expect for a long lost friend. I share that with you just to prove a point. You may very well know someone you live with, are best friends with, in love with, or whatever the relationship is has most likely have had some experience with sexual assault or knows someone who has.

The idea that sexual assault ( according to the United States: Department of Justice states Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.) because of how a woman dresses is very ignorant and wrong. This happens to whomever. This happens to big, small, short, tall, pretty, average, dark, or light. This happens to well-dressed, sloppy dressed, tight fitted, sporty, book smart, "women of the night", this happens to all. 

I have been through a lot in my life. My experience and where I come from have influenced me and how I view the world. I do not like wearing dress all the time. I like to save them for special occasions. I like make up but recently I am annoyed by it. I like men and only feel threatened by them if its a certain kind of situation. I'm not angry at men...if you know me well haha you know that. However to put the blame on a gender is wrong. To put the blame on how someone dresses is wrong. To put the blame on the individual who sexual assaults another individual is the only answer. 

I remember at summer camp or in really any youth group settings us, girls, where taught that we shouldn't let our male counter part to fall into sin or cause them to sin. I was angered by that even at the age of preteen. Because have always believed that I shouldn't be ashamed of the body I was given. I also believed that my male counterpart had/has a responsibly to not look at me as if I am a piece of meat. 

Conversations are the only way we can experience each others opinions in totality. To exclude an openminded conversation is like only being able to eat everything but vegetables. Leaving out nutrition. 

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.

Mental health has always been an interest of mine. The way in which our minds react to good or bad situations. These situations can be traumatic and they can be pretty pleasant. Every year for about 7 years I have written something on or before Halloween about my mother. I do not think it is luck of just circumstances that have made me not write one before this time. I was deliberate about it.

I have had a very hard time with my Mother's death. It has been a ghost in my life that haunts me so terribly. Most of the reasons I believe that it has been such a process is the fact that my Mother's disease began when I was 4 and ended when I was 16. When we are of the age of 3 we start to formulate memories. Our brains are mature enough to form web thinking. We don't actually never remember stuff...it is because we have no way of retrieving the memory. It is stuck somewhere in our brains however until we develop web thinking and a ton of other complicated things...we have no resource. Thankfully when my mom started to go through treatment I was at the age where I could remember...

It then ended on an age that is high in puberty, it is in this teenage stage that is deadly to all. There are already extreme lows and extreme highs at the age of 16. We not only notice that feelings about another human being can be there but we are acting on those feelings of lust. A lot is going on.

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.
I can put these 7 years into 5 acts. The progression of my healing has been strange and confusing. Though right now I want to share with you some of things that I have learned. These things are about myself and also what has helped me get through the rough moments.

• I have learned that I am not alone even if my negative thoughts tell me other wise. 
• Wishing that it was different is not accepting anything. 
• Sometimes during a rough night you have to do alone. 
• Being prepared is the absolutely best option for yourself. 
• Keeping busy isn't the best option because there will be a point when you will have to deal with it. 
• Finding what you are good at and finding that your peers think the same can turn into good coping methods. 
• Life giving you lemons and you making lemonade is real. We can't do anything with just lemons. I prefer making a lemon pepper fish. 
• Talking about it to someone you trust very well. 
• Talking to a therapist. They are paid to past no judgement and they also have been in school for this for years. 
• Friends. As we get older family starts to separate to different states or countries and our friends become our mirrors. 
• When you have a panic attack ask a friend to squeeze you very tightly. It makes you focus on something physical rather than what is in your head and the power of touch is very productive...certain chemicals are produced that act as agents to calming you down. 
• Pin point your vices and drop them as quickly as a hot pan. 
• Be honest in your words when you need someone or something. If you need to be alone. Learn how to say yes and no. 
• Find a new hobby that excites you. This is so cliche. But I picked writing and its apart of me now. 
• If you decide to be put on medication for whatever it is. Take it seriously. Ask a lot of questions about it. For an example, when will they affect me? What is it actually doing to me? Should I also be talking to a therapist instead of a psychiatrist? Why are you choosing this medication for me? How will we know this is a great fit for me?

Whatever you are going through that has caused you to have sleepless nights endlessly, that has made you feel very overwhelmed, and most importantly what has caused you to have the same affect in every situation, event, and moment (its normally called a flat affect, showing no emotions) take the steps on your own and ask for help.

The other night I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted by the nights before and needed sleep. I had to get up at 5:30am. My best friend was sleeping next to me and she was passed out. I couldn't sleep. It was 1am, then 2am, then 3am. My mind wouldn't stop thinking! I couldn't shut it off. The fact that I had to be up so soon was making me escalate. It started to remind me about the nights in college where I was so stressed so overwhelmed and trying to cope with my mom not being at my graduation because she was dead.
There is this technique at work that we use with LfAD, IED, and many other kinds low functioning patients...we squeeze them. We give them a weighted blanket. I thought in that moment why wouldn't that work for me right now? So I asked her, "Can you squeeze me really hard?". She did as I asked and 5 minutes later I was asleep. The next night I slept like a dream.
I don't think that will work for everyone but I put a lot of work into myself and the life around me so that I can live a better life. Most of these things contribute to mental achievements but I am so proud of them.
I am more sure of myself, I believe in myself, I know when to say no or yes, I can have fun and let loose once in awhile, I am becoming ambitious, and the reins our in my hands instead of on the floor where no one can reach them.