However to put the blame on a gender is wrong

This past weekend I spent some time with some great friends. I visited my best friend in Pittsburgh and for the first day I went along with her and explored the city. We talked, walked, hugged, embraced our time together and waited for the others to join us. The weekend I must say was inspiring for me.

I often experience traveling as my source of stress release. I find that my mind can become open and I can find new meaning in things. Part of it is because you really do not have responsibilities when you travel. Your only responsibility is to experience. So I found new meaning in having intentional conversations. However, most of the conversations I have with the people I spent this weekend seem effortless and even though the conversations can be intentional.

We talked about women, women's rights, unjust issues, our opinions, the goodness of each other, and brought up topics to see what others thought about an issue. I think that as my generation begins to become the new young adults I am thankful in where I fell into.

I am white. I am female. I am blonde. I am 23 almost 24. I have a black cat. I live with three women. I live in a safe but busy neighborhood. I am healthy. I have my B.A in Psychology. I have two jobs. I have a semi functioning car. I am christian. This is who I am.

Of course all of these things I am thankful for. Though what I am most thankful for is that I had the opportunity to be raised in Southern California. Not only for the weather and the landscape but also for the diversity. I am thankful for that. I also thankful for, and I have been having trouble with saying this but I am starting to believe that it is ok, having friends of color.

I have learned a great deal about life from those two things. Living in the Midwest has been very eye opening in many ways. If I didn't fit in in California I certainly fit in in the Midwest solely based on my appearance. I find that incredible....incredibly sad. Observing how people are here has been interesting.

There a lot of times that I am more of a listener and observer in conversation. However if the conversation is silent I will try to break the silence. I have listened to a lot of conversations. I like to take them in and them sink into my brain. I want to think about them and see where I agree or disagree or simply learn more about the persons in the conversation. I tend to choose to do this and no it isn't because I'm shy or quiet because if you really knew me...you would know thats true. I've been like this since I was little. My mom didn't understand why I was so "quiet", she mentioned this to a friend and after she passed the friend told me about this.

So next time I'm in the room and I'm not talking...now you know why. Anyways, this past weekend the majority of the topic was about women. Sexual assault towards women. I know three as of now of my female friends who have been sexually assaulted. I'm not comfortable sharing my experience more because I haven't told anyone about it expect for a long lost friend. I share that with you just to prove a point. You may very well know someone you live with, are best friends with, in love with, or whatever the relationship is has most likely have had some experience with sexual assault or knows someone who has.

The idea that sexual assault ( according to the United States: Department of Justice states Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.) because of how a woman dresses is very ignorant and wrong. This happens to whomever. This happens to big, small, short, tall, pretty, average, dark, or light. This happens to well-dressed, sloppy dressed, tight fitted, sporty, book smart, "women of the night", this happens to all. 

I have been through a lot in my life. My experience and where I come from have influenced me and how I view the world. I do not like wearing dress all the time. I like to save them for special occasions. I like make up but recently I am annoyed by it. I like men and only feel threatened by them if its a certain kind of situation. I'm not angry at men...if you know me well haha you know that. However to put the blame on a gender is wrong. To put the blame on how someone dresses is wrong. To put the blame on the individual who sexual assaults another individual is the only answer. 

I remember at summer camp or in really any youth group settings us, girls, where taught that we shouldn't let our male counter part to fall into sin or cause them to sin. I was angered by that even at the age of preteen. Because have always believed that I shouldn't be ashamed of the body I was given. I also believed that my male counterpart had/has a responsibly to not look at me as if I am a piece of meat. 

Conversations are the only way we can experience each others opinions in totality. To exclude an openminded conversation is like only being able to eat everything but vegetables. Leaving out nutrition. 

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.

Mental health has always been an interest of mine. The way in which our minds react to good or bad situations. These situations can be traumatic and they can be pretty pleasant. Every year for about 7 years I have written something on or before Halloween about my mother. I do not think it is luck of just circumstances that have made me not write one before this time. I was deliberate about it.

I have had a very hard time with my Mother's death. It has been a ghost in my life that haunts me so terribly. Most of the reasons I believe that it has been such a process is the fact that my Mother's disease began when I was 4 and ended when I was 16. When we are of the age of 3 we start to formulate memories. Our brains are mature enough to form web thinking. We don't actually never remember stuff...it is because we have no way of retrieving the memory. It is stuck somewhere in our brains however until we develop web thinking and a ton of other complicated things...we have no resource. Thankfully when my mom started to go through treatment I was at the age where I could remember...

It then ended on an age that is high in puberty, it is in this teenage stage that is deadly to all. There are already extreme lows and extreme highs at the age of 16. We not only notice that feelings about another human being can be there but we are acting on those feelings of lust. A lot is going on.

In the 7 years of this battle with my own mental health issues mental health is important to me.
I can put these 7 years into 5 acts. The progression of my healing has been strange and confusing. Though right now I want to share with you some of things that I have learned. These things are about myself and also what has helped me get through the rough moments.

• I have learned that I am not alone even if my negative thoughts tell me other wise. 
• Wishing that it was different is not accepting anything. 
• Sometimes during a rough night you have to do alone. 
• Being prepared is the absolutely best option for yourself. 
• Keeping busy isn't the best option because there will be a point when you will have to deal with it. 
• Finding what you are good at and finding that your peers think the same can turn into good coping methods. 
• Life giving you lemons and you making lemonade is real. We can't do anything with just lemons. I prefer making a lemon pepper fish. 
• Talking about it to someone you trust very well. 
• Talking to a therapist. They are paid to past no judgement and they also have been in school for this for years. 
• Friends. As we get older family starts to separate to different states or countries and our friends become our mirrors. 
• When you have a panic attack ask a friend to squeeze you very tightly. It makes you focus on something physical rather than what is in your head and the power of touch is very productive...certain chemicals are produced that act as agents to calming you down. 
• Pin point your vices and drop them as quickly as a hot pan. 
• Be honest in your words when you need someone or something. If you need to be alone. Learn how to say yes and no. 
• Find a new hobby that excites you. This is so cliche. But I picked writing and its apart of me now. 
• If you decide to be put on medication for whatever it is. Take it seriously. Ask a lot of questions about it. For an example, when will they affect me? What is it actually doing to me? Should I also be talking to a therapist instead of a psychiatrist? Why are you choosing this medication for me? How will we know this is a great fit for me?

Whatever you are going through that has caused you to have sleepless nights endlessly, that has made you feel very overwhelmed, and most importantly what has caused you to have the same affect in every situation, event, and moment (its normally called a flat affect, showing no emotions) take the steps on your own and ask for help.

The other night I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted by the nights before and needed sleep. I had to get up at 5:30am. My best friend was sleeping next to me and she was passed out. I couldn't sleep. It was 1am, then 2am, then 3am. My mind wouldn't stop thinking! I couldn't shut it off. The fact that I had to be up so soon was making me escalate. It started to remind me about the nights in college where I was so stressed so overwhelmed and trying to cope with my mom not being at my graduation because she was dead.
There is this technique at work that we use with LfAD, IED, and many other kinds low functioning patients...we squeeze them. We give them a weighted blanket. I thought in that moment why wouldn't that work for me right now? So I asked her, "Can you squeeze me really hard?". She did as I asked and 5 minutes later I was asleep. The next night I slept like a dream.
I don't think that will work for everyone but I put a lot of work into myself and the life around me so that I can live a better life. Most of these things contribute to mental achievements but I am so proud of them.
I am more sure of myself, I believe in myself, I know when to say no or yes, I can have fun and let loose once in awhile, I am becoming ambitious, and the reins our in my hands instead of on the floor where no one can reach them.

From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.

A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.

I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.

Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.

I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in my dreams that night.

I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.

This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.

I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.

I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply.

Turn me into a person who changes. Not one who changes for others. When my tongue turns into the hiss of the snake, numb my tongue so I cannot speak. The moments when I look someone up and down as if they are a piece of meat, remind me they can do the same to me in that same moment. Turn me into a person who changes for the good. When a friend hurts my heart allow me to breath and become silent so I can return to loving them. Guide my heart to the ones who will not conceal it but nurture it and let it grow even bigger. Let me make it known that I want to be a person of change. Widen my eyes so that my mind may be more open. Let it be open to growth and truth then be watered by honesty.

Let me work without time constraints and the pressures from things that do not matter. Please take the clutter from my heart and toss it to the trash. I want to embody simplicity and run wild with space. I want to be the one who inspires others for you and not for myself. I want to run wild with love.

I want to run wild with love and stay for away from lust. I want to runaway from the lust of a person. If lay my eyes upon them I wish that it may be to appreciate instead of lust in their presence. I hope that kissing, cuddling, four play, and sex isn't from lust or infatuation. I hope that it means something to me and to them. Not to just feel safe or to make myself safe or to make them safe from me...but to put more importance on them without pressuring the feeling of shame to take place. If I may lay single then I shall because I do not want to complicate my life more than it is.

For one day I hope to be a mother. A mother with her own children or a person who works in a field where the qualities of being a mother are needed or where those younger than me in anyway just need comfort. I hope to comfort. I hope to remove pain or decrease it. I hope to be a change and a difference.

I desire that my selfish tendencies will be erased but not diminish my self-care. Relinquish me for putting myself before and not after. There is nothing that can make feel renewed like you do. There is nothing that can make me feel more loved than you can.

I sat in church last Sunday. The choir was singing something beautiful...I do not know what happened but I started to tear up and gently cry. I cried for things I have been doing wrong. I cried for the way I became so entitled and so selfish. I slowly ran through my thoughts and collected the wrong. I put them in a box and brought them to you. I said here. Thats all I could say. That is all I will say.

I believe there is a wrong and right way of living. I do not think it is black and white although same things might be. I don't think it is endless nights of drinking or smoking. I do not think its wasting away in your room. I do not think its shutting out the world or make snood comments. I think its loving each other. I think its confronting the evils of the world whether its in society or creation. I think its hard and uncomfortable because ignoring is easy.

I never believed I would be set free from my depression. I thought that I was going to die in sadness and people would keep on watching it happen. This may be Too Much Information but whenever I get my period...and I have a lot of stressors in my life...I miss my mom. This month it happened. However, I know completely why. October 31, 2014 she will be gone exactly 7 years. This year I have grown a little obsessed about the creepy things of halloween which tells me the pain of my loss isn't nearly as great as it was before. As this day approaches for me it is like my New Years because I can gauge things better...why? because I have an emotional attachment to this day. I promised my mother three things that day and there is only one left to fulfill. As this day approaches I start to think about how I need to change as a human being, as a daughter, as a friend, as coworker, and as a child of God.

As I walk into this "New Year" of mine I shall conquer my wants and desires...I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply. I shall uncover lies and sins of mine. I shall plant new growth and become who I was made to be.

It is as if it's my new awakening.

There was a color in the air that I swore I could smell. It as if it laid hidden from me though I was the only one who could see it and of course you too. Your presents moved swift through the crowds and the color floated in the air like remnants. I could still see you as the one holding my hand when I was scared, as the one holding my heart and knowing it, being my protector from the big bad world.
The clothes you wore were the ones I picked out. My stamp on you was laid on thick and you didn't even know it.

Time to time I'm still haunted by you in my dreams. You are starting to turn into more of a vague character in the distance. My task in my dream is to get as close to you as possible without actually speaking to you.

Your motives are starting to turn in ambiguous moves. The interactions we have seem cold and displaced. They seem so cold that when I do see you it is as if it is a dream because you never utter words in my presence or come close enough for myself to say something.

I had this dream last night that was as real as they come yet when waking up the incongruent events do not add up to reality. It was back to the time when my mom was dying. Her hospital bed was set in an outdoor theater. She was center stage. The people that were surrounding her were only women.  She was doing fine but the toll of the bells would soon strike and everyone knew it even she. I would come and go because when I would enter the outside theater I would sob. On one of the occasions that I sobbed...my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. I left...I ran. I ran to a shipping yard in some harbor. My friends were eating lunch there and you were there. The feeling was horrible so I left there too. I finally woke up by my cat perched by my pillow staring at me.

I do not find much symbolism in dreams but that was a very strange dream I had. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my dream even while I was dreaming. It was if I was cemented and all these bad things were happening around me. I had to experience it and I had to watch it.

One of my flaws is letting go of people when they need to be let go of. It is something I struggle with. It is hard for me to give up on something that I care so deeply about. I can't find myself to detach so easily. I've always been bad at noticing when a friendship is over. I've loved twice in my life at the age of 23. It took me a long time to let go of my first love. I was incapable of it.

My heart lingers like when keeping something, a sweatshirt, of someone you loved/liked/etc and their smell lingers on the clothing. My heart lingers on people. My mind can't escape it unless however I do not understand why it fell apart.

I've never been incapable of caring. I've been incapable of letting go. I have learned to transform the feelings and wants into something else. I capture it into a jar, the memories, I preserve the good then set it on the shelf. I tell myself I will only open it if I am able to seal it right back up. If I won't burst into tears but only shed a few I can open it. If it will help me then I can.

You know when people say during that time they were in a dark place....that they did it because they were in a dark place in their life? Well, I've been in the shadows. I haven't been removed from the reality I want to live in but I've been examining it from afar. I have been collecting the pieces and connecting them to the bigger picture. I'm in the daylight but hanging out in the shade. Well, I have been. I'm making my way into the sun. The rays that have touched my skin feels enticingly wonderful. It is as if I am being discovered. It is as if it's my new awakening.

It was time that I accepted some reinforcements

There is something that happens when home comes into your heart. There something that happens when it walks out the door as well. I don't find home in actually buildings or cities anymore. I have found that home is in the hearts of the ones that love me and love right back. I'm finding it hard to connect to Grand Rapids, Michigan. The summers are completely different than the ones in San Diego. I have to say I love my San Diego summers. I didn't know how much I appreciated them until I spent my first summer here.

I'm dreading winter already.

My other half has been with me for almost two weeks now and I feel warm with her here. I forgot how it felt for someone to care so much. I mean having them in the same room as you for several days. You start to notice so much. I felt home when she arrived. It took me a bit to unwind and feel comfortable because for several months I have been getting so used to being on my own. On my own with my feelings and emotions. I have been limited to a lot of things. These limitations have been great...in hindsight of course. But honestly they have made me see a lot of surrounding love and comfort. I have no idea what I would do without Daniela and Shannon.

The other day I went to work and pretty much had a classic bad day. Lost my breakfast...in my car. Unbelievably tired. Locked my keys (my spare because I couldn't find my keys) in my car. My body ached and so did my mind. I got home and found them on the couch all looking pretty. My house was clean. My laundry was done and FOLDED. The dishes were clean. And then they wanted to take me out to happy hour. Honestly haven't had someone do something like that in a very long time. Then my roommate was entirely gracious and drove me to my car with a set of keys.

Those kind of actions make me so grateful and thankful. I felt loved.

Life has been bringing me a lot of lemons....there is too much lemonade being made that I can't keep up with it. It was time that I accepted some reinforcements.

Sometimes your home shifts though I think it eventually finds its way into your heart. It eventually settles in and comforts you. It may be that you have been far away from it for awhile although if its truly home...it will never walk out that door. I have complete faith in that.

God's grace is in the air and I can feel it.

To wash away any embarrassment I have felt...

My life in the last month has been living in other people's homes, job applying, and then working. I just moved into my house, got some positive feed back from job applying, and still working of course. I've been trying hard now to transition into adult life...

Of course on this path of becoming adult I may view it a little bit differently than some but that is ok. I don't mean stop having fun or stop embracing new things. I mean becoming independent and setting goals. I would like to say I am half way there. I don't think I will becoming a full adult and I hope I don't to be honest. There is something amazing when you have the eyes of a child. When you can view the world more than pain.

In my college years most of them were full of viewing the world of a life of pain. Of course I was in a lot of pain so eyes were a bit tinted with disaster to begin with. I slowly transformed out of it. Though to be frank, I do not think having a little pain is a bad thing. It can push us to find the better moments and make the better moments. It can be a source of good encouragement to be better than before. To help us not to stall.

I work every other weekend so I attend church every other weekend. Although I know I need to start attending night church on my work weekends. During the whole move and everything I haven't gone in a bit. Today I am so hungry for it. I'm literally thirsty for God's love and nourishment. I haven't felt that in a long time but I am so happy I do.

Lately, things have been feeling different for me. The taste of "bad" words in my mouth have tasted, I would say sour but I like sour things haha, like fruit gone bad. I'm thirsty for the Lord. I've been trying to make changes in my life and trying to see the world new. I think working at a mental health hospital has influence some of this. Being surrounded by people who are broken and hurting for whatever reason will force someone to find something that will replenish their own souls. I do not think everyone finds it, finds something that may for the moment or for eternity.

Yesterday while I was setting up my room I came across my collection of mom pictures. I miss her as much as I did the day she died. It just hurts less, way less. Time to time I think about if she were to take a walk into my life right now, what things would she approve of and what things would she not? It's my mirror...

Monday I got a tattoo. I wasn't planning on it but my very good friend was in town and gave me an excellent price for it. I have the contour of mountains. To be exact it is the Palomar Mountains in San Marcos, California....viewpoint. I didn't realize how in love with mountains I was until I started to live in Michigan. When I went to Spain it was even more clear for me. I think that mountains are one of God's greatest creations in nature. They symbolize so many things. With God you can move mountains. With God you can climb the steepest mountains. With God you will climb mountains. Their beauty and magnitude is magnificent. I look at my body and I start to realize that every tattoo I have has a story. The story always comes back to one root. The root of love and most importantly the root of God's love. I'm trying to become obsessed with God's love again. Trying not to be afraid or even embarrassed.

In my transition to become an adult my move that I made this week in life was getting a tattoo. To wash away any embarrassment I have felt from going out of my bubble and into to the real world...and still being in love with God.

What will be your move?