If you can control it then change it

I'm 27. I do not have my whole life together at all. I might be your typical 27 year old though I am not married nor have I ever been. I do not have kids. I do not have a luxurious job where I can have paid vacations and benefits.
Though to be honest I have chosen this life to a certain degree. I have been hearing a lot from my friends say that they want a "big girl job". A lot of times I don't really get that. Or what makes a big job a big job?

Paid vacation
benefits
set hours
actual breaks
making more than 20,000 a year

Why do we want that? Is it a form of security? Is it because maybe we care at the bar, restaurant, or brewery and the others around us don't? Honestly, I don't really know other than having something reliable and full of security.

I am trying everyday to make my life push forward and be filled with security. Though what I have learned is that what I want is a huge task. However, when I compare what I want with my friends' it's nothing different.
I'm going to own a LGBTQ bar. I want trans, non-binary, gay, lesbian, queer, bi, and whatever else you identify with to work there and be apart of it. This dream has pushed me to be other things.

This dream pushes me to start really being on top of my student loans so much so that my credit score has soared within a year and even a few months. It has pushed me to have conversations with people that I would never have. This dream is more than a dream to me...it has been my inspiration. And dear lord I hope it works out.

As I think about this and how slowly it will take...that's ok. Because my drive is making me a better responsible human being. I had the paid vacation, benefits, actual breaks, and definitely not a great salary (but thats not the point). I've never lived super comfortably and I'm not sure right now I want to.

I am tired of people pushing this idea of a norm in our society of when you should have a "real" job. Of when you should be working during the week and not on weekends. Of when you should stop waking up at 10am and start waking up at 8am. When you should have kids and with whom. People I think need to start realizing that finding something that makes you happy and content is what matters. This whole nuclear family scenario isn't really anymore and shouldn't take a precedence in your life.

I'm tired of that. We shouldn't be outcasting ourselves anymore. Remember some people work to live and others live to work. Make sure you chose the right one for yourself and shift the weight in your life so you feel more stable. If you can control it then change it.

My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people

I have not written in this blog for two years.
My excuse? I jumped outside of my head and onto the pavement. I literally found a voice outside of my head. It took years to understand that I am not shy, I am only highly "choosy" of who I talk to.

I think I would like to write more in this blog. I have had it for years so why stop?
I'm back I guess?
Who called this to my attention? Breea. She said she kept refreshing it to see if I ever wrote anything more in it. Well, here I am Breea writing hopefully you refresh soon.

I usually would use this blog to get these intense thoughts out of my head and into the vortex of the internet. A question that needed to be answered would circle in my mind for weeks until I would settle on an answer. So it is back to learning about the universe.

Let me update you on what has happened over the course of two years. I left the mental health hospital where I worked. I decided to become a bartender. I have also decided to open up a queer bar. I am no where near ashamed of my sexuality. I find myself to be spiritual but not religious. That is a true conundrum for some people to understand. I'm here for you to judge me right? NO, the answer is no but we all know you are going to anyways.

Any who now that you know every single detail of my life in the most cut throat synopsis let's move on.

I will have several grammatical errors. If you hate it then correct the grammar and let me know. I should care but having ADD and growing up in a private christian school isn't a helpful thing whatsoever.

Now that you are caught up as old and new readers we shall move on to the good stuff.

I love differently than most. Why? Because I am not like everyone else. Or so I like to think. My mind at times feels like an alien in the sea of people. Another reason why I haven't written in so long is because my anxiety has lessen quite a bit, hence being outside of my head. That alien in the sea of people was very real. Though as I get older I feel like I'm with a bunch of aliens in a sea of people.
I mean I got a fucking hammer tattoo with one of my best friends. That bunch of aliens has lessened my anxiety.

I used to be this girl that was fumbling through life. Absolutely fumbling and fumbling with other people. What I have noticed is we tend to find people similar to us to run life with. What I didn't notice until this week is that we also tend to find people that love similar to us. One of the best ways to know who you are in life is from a break up.

YES, I said it. I've had a few in my life whether it was a years time or months...or weeks. I have heard the same thing countless of times. "Brenna, you are real, solid, compassionate, loyal, and one of the most genuine persons I know." Of course after that they break up with me haha. It has all worked out for the better truly. And I don't have harsh feelings or oh I'm so alone. But that seriously feels amazing to look back at. Those characteristics of me is how I love.

So yes, I love in a way that if I say I am there...I am freakin there. I mean the things I say. I rarely say before I think and if I do I have learned the massive amounts of trouble I get in.

Some people may feel differently to me and if you do and if I have done wrong to you...know I am sorry. You may have captured a piece of me that was out of place. That piece that was forming into a person.

This blog is not about politics or what the hell is happening to our country. It is about my way of pushing out the pieces that are a person and filling it in with pieces of an alien. Conforming has never been my strong suit.

Are you ready to take this adventure? Get in the depths of my soul? This is your chance. And if not I always have my readers that seem to be Latin America.