It is January. A new year has rolled in and has magically made the last year disappear, or so it seems. January is one of my favorite months. I love the new year and celebrating it. It reminds of new life, new chances, a fresh start, and honestly it feels like the moment you step into the shower. It's this cleanse that provides these moments of new chances. The other part of January is my birthday.
In my house your birthday was very special. The only person that made it extra special was my mom. When I was younger and even well in my teens, I would come home to new clothes on my bed. Of course they would be on sale. Sometimes I loved them and sometimes I secretly hated them. That was just on random days. Your birthday was ten times better. When it was my birthday I got to open my presents in the morning before school. One year that was close to when my mom was getting really sick, I had my driver's ed training and she pulled out a sweatshirt that was suppose to be for my birthday but my birthday was months away. I didn't know it at the time of course but I think she knew her time was coming and decided to give me something before she passed away. When I come across my birthday I become so grateful. I am granted another year of life to spend with the people I love.
At the hospital I work at a lot of teenagers come in for depression, suicidal ideation, and suicidal attempts. When holidays come around I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to embrace them. When my birthday comes around I want to tell them every reason why they should keep on living. The year after my mom passed away I dealt with suicidal ideation. I had a lot of anxiety, depression, and just simply grief. Getting passed it was the hardest thing I think I have encountered with. Defeat was always around the corner. However, being 24 going on 25 I have this appreciation for life that I cannot explain. Life can be explained in that cliché way of it being a gift but I think its more than that.
It is a gift that keeps on giving. A lot of people prefer not be given flowers but instead a plant or even a small tree. I love that idea. My family has always done that when something is a bit more serious. A tree keeps on growing and if it produces fruit, it provides food. Even if it doesn't provide fruit, it provides shade or a home for an animal. I want to be a tree. I want to give a gift that keeps on giving.
25 is this number that could be overwhelming for some. It is a bit overwhelming for me. I absolutely miss my mom during this time. I wonder at times what it would be like if she was here. I'm sure I would receive some type of present(s) in the mail. Though honestly I would love to just pick up the phone and talk to her. Tell her everything about myself at 25. Tell her about my job and how she would be genuinely interested in it. Tell her about all the dates I've been on. I know she wouldn't be happy about me not going to church and I would hear lectures about it. Although, I always come back to the point that if she had never died I would never be who I am today. Sadly, I think I am better person because of her death.
When birthdays come some people avoid them and/or don't even tell anyone about it. I do not understand that. Celebrate your life because it can be gone or destroyed at any moment.
