I am about to become vulnerable. I do tend to say vulnerable things on my blog. This is life and life only gets more intense as you learn about it. The more aware you are the more chances there are for you to get hurt.
A few months ago I was in love. I do not think I really understood what it meant fully until last night. It was mildly terrifying. I could still be in love but that is hard to clarify when I am not in touch with this person anymore.
I have experienced love when I was in High School for my first boyfriend. We were connected but our life paths didn't quite match up. Which later on in life was perfectly ok. I was ok with it and later on he was too.
Time heals all wounds is a dumb cliche. With my mom's death that is not true. It lessens the pain. Time lessens the pain when something is real, I believe. When it has real expectations in life, real emotions, real motives, real connections, and etc.
I was on a date the other evening. This guy, I barely know, cooked me dinner and told me I didn't need to do anything. I was a bit awed because this has never happened to me. Nor have I really let it happened. So I let him cook dinner. It wasn't too bad. May needed some salt but it was pretty good. However, there were moments in the date where I thought about my last ex. It sucked to say the least. It was so unsettling because then he was in my dreams that night.
I still feel like I can't escape from it. Love that is...I wish I didn't still love the guy. But this is life and it happens to so many of us. We find someone we can see being with forever and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We have to deal. We have to move on after we have tried our best.
This new stage of my life is complex although there are moments where I am so in love with my life. My best friend in pittsburgh was going to see if she could come out for Halloween. She can. I am so so so happy. I am filled to the brim with love. My best friend in Chicago...is coming too. One of the worst repeating days of my life and I will see them. I don't live for these moments anymore because the time between can quickly turn into agony. Instead I accept these moments with open arms and an embracing heart. I will prepare the house for them. I will make sure their beds are made. I will make sure there is wine in the house along with breakfast food. The energy of my still broken heart is put into this and I'm overjoyed with that feeling.
I had a rough day at work Sunday. Some things happened and I was let down. Though I took that negative energy and thoughts and forced them into something else. I forced them into love and positiveness.
From the mind of a formerly depressed human being.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply.
Turn me into a person who changes. Not one who changes for others. When my tongue turns into the hiss of the snake, numb my tongue so I cannot speak. The moments when I look someone up and down as if they are a piece of meat, remind me they can do the same to me in that same moment. Turn me into a person who changes for the good. When a friend hurts my heart allow me to breath and become silent so I can return to loving them. Guide my heart to the ones who will not conceal it but nurture it and let it grow even bigger. Let me make it known that I want to be a person of change. Widen my eyes so that my mind may be more open. Let it be open to growth and truth then be watered by honesty.
Let me work without time constraints and the pressures from things that do not matter. Please take the clutter from my heart and toss it to the trash. I want to embody simplicity and run wild with space. I want to be the one who inspires others for you and not for myself. I want to run wild with love.
I want to run wild with love and stay for away from lust. I want to runaway from the lust of a person. If lay my eyes upon them I wish that it may be to appreciate instead of lust in their presence. I hope that kissing, cuddling, four play, and sex isn't from lust or infatuation. I hope that it means something to me and to them. Not to just feel safe or to make myself safe or to make them safe from me...but to put more importance on them without pressuring the feeling of shame to take place. If I may lay single then I shall because I do not want to complicate my life more than it is.
For one day I hope to be a mother. A mother with her own children or a person who works in a field where the qualities of being a mother are needed or where those younger than me in anyway just need comfort. I hope to comfort. I hope to remove pain or decrease it. I hope to be a change and a difference.
I desire that my selfish tendencies will be erased but not diminish my self-care. Relinquish me for putting myself before and not after. There is nothing that can make feel renewed like you do. There is nothing that can make me feel more loved than you can.
I sat in church last Sunday. The choir was singing something beautiful...I do not know what happened but I started to tear up and gently cry. I cried for things I have been doing wrong. I cried for the way I became so entitled and so selfish. I slowly ran through my thoughts and collected the wrong. I put them in a box and brought them to you. I said here. Thats all I could say. That is all I will say.
I believe there is a wrong and right way of living. I do not think it is black and white although same things might be. I don't think it is endless nights of drinking or smoking. I do not think its wasting away in your room. I do not think its shutting out the world or make snood comments. I think its loving each other. I think its confronting the evils of the world whether its in society or creation. I think its hard and uncomfortable because ignoring is easy.
I never believed I would be set free from my depression. I thought that I was going to die in sadness and people would keep on watching it happen. This may be Too Much Information but whenever I get my period...and I have a lot of stressors in my life...I miss my mom. This month it happened. However, I know completely why. October 31, 2014 she will be gone exactly 7 years. This year I have grown a little obsessed about the creepy things of halloween which tells me the pain of my loss isn't nearly as great as it was before. As this day approaches for me it is like my New Years because I can gauge things better...why? because I have an emotional attachment to this day. I promised my mother three things that day and there is only one left to fulfill. As this day approaches I start to think about how I need to change as a human being, as a daughter, as a friend, as coworker, and as a child of God.
As I walk into this "New Year" of mine I shall conquer my wants and desires...I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply. I shall uncover lies and sins of mine. I shall plant new growth and become who I was made to be.
Let me work without time constraints and the pressures from things that do not matter. Please take the clutter from my heart and toss it to the trash. I want to embody simplicity and run wild with space. I want to be the one who inspires others for you and not for myself. I want to run wild with love.
I want to run wild with love and stay for away from lust. I want to runaway from the lust of a person. If lay my eyes upon them I wish that it may be to appreciate instead of lust in their presence. I hope that kissing, cuddling, four play, and sex isn't from lust or infatuation. I hope that it means something to me and to them. Not to just feel safe or to make myself safe or to make them safe from me...but to put more importance on them without pressuring the feeling of shame to take place. If I may lay single then I shall because I do not want to complicate my life more than it is.
For one day I hope to be a mother. A mother with her own children or a person who works in a field where the qualities of being a mother are needed or where those younger than me in anyway just need comfort. I hope to comfort. I hope to remove pain or decrease it. I hope to be a change and a difference.
I desire that my selfish tendencies will be erased but not diminish my self-care. Relinquish me for putting myself before and not after. There is nothing that can make feel renewed like you do. There is nothing that can make me feel more loved than you can.
I sat in church last Sunday. The choir was singing something beautiful...I do not know what happened but I started to tear up and gently cry. I cried for things I have been doing wrong. I cried for the way I became so entitled and so selfish. I slowly ran through my thoughts and collected the wrong. I put them in a box and brought them to you. I said here. Thats all I could say. That is all I will say.
I believe there is a wrong and right way of living. I do not think it is black and white although same things might be. I don't think it is endless nights of drinking or smoking. I do not think its wasting away in your room. I do not think its shutting out the world or make snood comments. I think its loving each other. I think its confronting the evils of the world whether its in society or creation. I think its hard and uncomfortable because ignoring is easy.
I never believed I would be set free from my depression. I thought that I was going to die in sadness and people would keep on watching it happen. This may be Too Much Information but whenever I get my period...and I have a lot of stressors in my life...I miss my mom. This month it happened. However, I know completely why. October 31, 2014 she will be gone exactly 7 years. This year I have grown a little obsessed about the creepy things of halloween which tells me the pain of my loss isn't nearly as great as it was before. As this day approaches for me it is like my New Years because I can gauge things better...why? because I have an emotional attachment to this day. I promised my mother three things that day and there is only one left to fulfill. As this day approaches I start to think about how I need to change as a human being, as a daughter, as a friend, as coworker, and as a child of God.
As I walk into this "New Year" of mine I shall conquer my wants and desires...I shall conquer the evils in my heart and the evils that surround me deeply. I shall uncover lies and sins of mine. I shall plant new growth and become who I was made to be.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
It is as if it's my new awakening.
There was a color in the air that I swore I could smell. It as if it laid hidden from me though I was the only one who could see it and of course you too. Your presents moved swift through the crowds and the color floated in the air like remnants. I could still see you as the one holding my hand when I was scared, as the one holding my heart and knowing it, being my protector from the big bad world.
The clothes you wore were the ones I picked out. My stamp on you was laid on thick and you didn't even know it.
Time to time I'm still haunted by you in my dreams. You are starting to turn into more of a vague character in the distance. My task in my dream is to get as close to you as possible without actually speaking to you.
Your motives are starting to turn in ambiguous moves. The interactions we have seem cold and displaced. They seem so cold that when I do see you it is as if it is a dream because you never utter words in my presence or come close enough for myself to say something.
I had this dream last night that was as real as they come yet when waking up the incongruent events do not add up to reality. It was back to the time when my mom was dying. Her hospital bed was set in an outdoor theater. She was center stage. The people that were surrounding her were only women. She was doing fine but the toll of the bells would soon strike and everyone knew it even she. I would come and go because when I would enter the outside theater I would sob. On one of the occasions that I sobbed...my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. I left...I ran. I ran to a shipping yard in some harbor. My friends were eating lunch there and you were there. The feeling was horrible so I left there too. I finally woke up by my cat perched by my pillow staring at me.
I do not find much symbolism in dreams but that was a very strange dream I had. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my dream even while I was dreaming. It was if I was cemented and all these bad things were happening around me. I had to experience it and I had to watch it.
One of my flaws is letting go of people when they need to be let go of. It is something I struggle with. It is hard for me to give up on something that I care so deeply about. I can't find myself to detach so easily. I've always been bad at noticing when a friendship is over. I've loved twice in my life at the age of 23. It took me a long time to let go of my first love. I was incapable of it.
My heart lingers like when keeping something, a sweatshirt, of someone you loved/liked/etc and their smell lingers on the clothing. My heart lingers on people. My mind can't escape it unless however I do not understand why it fell apart.
I've never been incapable of caring. I've been incapable of letting go. I have learned to transform the feelings and wants into something else. I capture it into a jar, the memories, I preserve the good then set it on the shelf. I tell myself I will only open it if I am able to seal it right back up. If I won't burst into tears but only shed a few I can open it. If it will help me then I can.
You know when people say during that time they were in a dark place....that they did it because they were in a dark place in their life? Well, I've been in the shadows. I haven't been removed from the reality I want to live in but I've been examining it from afar. I have been collecting the pieces and connecting them to the bigger picture. I'm in the daylight but hanging out in the shade. Well, I have been. I'm making my way into the sun. The rays that have touched my skin feels enticingly wonderful. It is as if I am being discovered. It is as if it's my new awakening.
The clothes you wore were the ones I picked out. My stamp on you was laid on thick and you didn't even know it.
Time to time I'm still haunted by you in my dreams. You are starting to turn into more of a vague character in the distance. My task in my dream is to get as close to you as possible without actually speaking to you.
Your motives are starting to turn in ambiguous moves. The interactions we have seem cold and displaced. They seem so cold that when I do see you it is as if it is a dream because you never utter words in my presence or come close enough for myself to say something.
I had this dream last night that was as real as they come yet when waking up the incongruent events do not add up to reality. It was back to the time when my mom was dying. Her hospital bed was set in an outdoor theater. She was center stage. The people that were surrounding her were only women. She was doing fine but the toll of the bells would soon strike and everyone knew it even she. I would come and go because when I would enter the outside theater I would sob. On one of the occasions that I sobbed...my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. I left...I ran. I ran to a shipping yard in some harbor. My friends were eating lunch there and you were there. The feeling was horrible so I left there too. I finally woke up by my cat perched by my pillow staring at me.
I do not find much symbolism in dreams but that was a very strange dream I had. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my dream even while I was dreaming. It was if I was cemented and all these bad things were happening around me. I had to experience it and I had to watch it.
One of my flaws is letting go of people when they need to be let go of. It is something I struggle with. It is hard for me to give up on something that I care so deeply about. I can't find myself to detach so easily. I've always been bad at noticing when a friendship is over. I've loved twice in my life at the age of 23. It took me a long time to let go of my first love. I was incapable of it.
My heart lingers like when keeping something, a sweatshirt, of someone you loved/liked/etc and their smell lingers on the clothing. My heart lingers on people. My mind can't escape it unless however I do not understand why it fell apart.
I've never been incapable of caring. I've been incapable of letting go. I have learned to transform the feelings and wants into something else. I capture it into a jar, the memories, I preserve the good then set it on the shelf. I tell myself I will only open it if I am able to seal it right back up. If I won't burst into tears but only shed a few I can open it. If it will help me then I can.
You know when people say during that time they were in a dark place....that they did it because they were in a dark place in their life? Well, I've been in the shadows. I haven't been removed from the reality I want to live in but I've been examining it from afar. I have been collecting the pieces and connecting them to the bigger picture. I'm in the daylight but hanging out in the shade. Well, I have been. I'm making my way into the sun. The rays that have touched my skin feels enticingly wonderful. It is as if I am being discovered. It is as if it's my new awakening.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
It was time that I accepted some reinforcements
There is something that happens when home comes into your heart. There something that happens when it walks out the door as well. I don't find home in actually buildings or cities anymore. I have found that home is in the hearts of the ones that love me and love right back. I'm finding it hard to connect to Grand Rapids, Michigan. The summers are completely different than the ones in San Diego. I have to say I love my San Diego summers. I didn't know how much I appreciated them until I spent my first summer here.
I'm dreading winter already.
My other half has been with me for almost two weeks now and I feel warm with her here. I forgot how it felt for someone to care so much. I mean having them in the same room as you for several days. You start to notice so much. I felt home when she arrived. It took me a bit to unwind and feel comfortable because for several months I have been getting so used to being on my own. On my own with my feelings and emotions. I have been limited to a lot of things. These limitations have been great...in hindsight of course. But honestly they have made me see a lot of surrounding love and comfort. I have no idea what I would do without Daniela and Shannon.
The other day I went to work and pretty much had a classic bad day. Lost my breakfast...in my car. Unbelievably tired. Locked my keys (my spare because I couldn't find my keys) in my car. My body ached and so did my mind. I got home and found them on the couch all looking pretty. My house was clean. My laundry was done and FOLDED. The dishes were clean. And then they wanted to take me out to happy hour. Honestly haven't had someone do something like that in a very long time. Then my roommate was entirely gracious and drove me to my car with a set of keys.
Those kind of actions make me so grateful and thankful. I felt loved.
Life has been bringing me a lot of lemons....there is too much lemonade being made that I can't keep up with it. It was time that I accepted some reinforcements.
Sometimes your home shifts though I think it eventually finds its way into your heart. It eventually settles in and comforts you. It may be that you have been far away from it for awhile although if its truly home...it will never walk out that door. I have complete faith in that.
God's grace is in the air and I can feel it.
I'm dreading winter already.
My other half has been with me for almost two weeks now and I feel warm with her here. I forgot how it felt for someone to care so much. I mean having them in the same room as you for several days. You start to notice so much. I felt home when she arrived. It took me a bit to unwind and feel comfortable because for several months I have been getting so used to being on my own. On my own with my feelings and emotions. I have been limited to a lot of things. These limitations have been great...in hindsight of course. But honestly they have made me see a lot of surrounding love and comfort. I have no idea what I would do without Daniela and Shannon.
The other day I went to work and pretty much had a classic bad day. Lost my breakfast...in my car. Unbelievably tired. Locked my keys (my spare because I couldn't find my keys) in my car. My body ached and so did my mind. I got home and found them on the couch all looking pretty. My house was clean. My laundry was done and FOLDED. The dishes were clean. And then they wanted to take me out to happy hour. Honestly haven't had someone do something like that in a very long time. Then my roommate was entirely gracious and drove me to my car with a set of keys.
Those kind of actions make me so grateful and thankful. I felt loved.
Life has been bringing me a lot of lemons....there is too much lemonade being made that I can't keep up with it. It was time that I accepted some reinforcements.
Sometimes your home shifts though I think it eventually finds its way into your heart. It eventually settles in and comforts you. It may be that you have been far away from it for awhile although if its truly home...it will never walk out that door. I have complete faith in that.
God's grace is in the air and I can feel it.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
To wash away any embarrassment I have felt...
My life in the last month has been living in other people's homes, job applying, and then working. I just moved into my house, got some positive feed back from job applying, and still working of course. I've been trying hard now to transition into adult life...
Of course on this path of becoming adult I may view it a little bit differently than some but that is ok. I don't mean stop having fun or stop embracing new things. I mean becoming independent and setting goals. I would like to say I am half way there. I don't think I will becoming a full adult and I hope I don't to be honest. There is something amazing when you have the eyes of a child. When you can view the world more than pain.
In my college years most of them were full of viewing the world of a life of pain. Of course I was in a lot of pain so eyes were a bit tinted with disaster to begin with. I slowly transformed out of it. Though to be frank, I do not think having a little pain is a bad thing. It can push us to find the better moments and make the better moments. It can be a source of good encouragement to be better than before. To help us not to stall.
I work every other weekend so I attend church every other weekend. Although I know I need to start attending night church on my work weekends. During the whole move and everything I haven't gone in a bit. Today I am so hungry for it. I'm literally thirsty for God's love and nourishment. I haven't felt that in a long time but I am so happy I do.
Lately, things have been feeling different for me. The taste of "bad" words in my mouth have tasted, I would say sour but I like sour things haha, like fruit gone bad. I'm thirsty for the Lord. I've been trying to make changes in my life and trying to see the world new. I think working at a mental health hospital has influence some of this. Being surrounded by people who are broken and hurting for whatever reason will force someone to find something that will replenish their own souls. I do not think everyone finds it, finds something that may for the moment or for eternity.
Yesterday while I was setting up my room I came across my collection of mom pictures. I miss her as much as I did the day she died. It just hurts less, way less. Time to time I think about if she were to take a walk into my life right now, what things would she approve of and what things would she not? It's my mirror...
Monday I got a tattoo. I wasn't planning on it but my very good friend was in town and gave me an excellent price for it. I have the contour of mountains. To be exact it is the Palomar Mountains in San Marcos, California....viewpoint. I didn't realize how in love with mountains I was until I started to live in Michigan. When I went to Spain it was even more clear for me. I think that mountains are one of God's greatest creations in nature. They symbolize so many things. With God you can move mountains. With God you can climb the steepest mountains. With God you will climb mountains. Their beauty and magnitude is magnificent. I look at my body and I start to realize that every tattoo I have has a story. The story always comes back to one root. The root of love and most importantly the root of God's love. I'm trying to become obsessed with God's love again. Trying not to be afraid or even embarrassed.
In my transition to become an adult my move that I made this week in life was getting a tattoo. To wash away any embarrassment I have felt from going out of my bubble and into to the real world...and still being in love with God.
What will be your move?
Of course on this path of becoming adult I may view it a little bit differently than some but that is ok. I don't mean stop having fun or stop embracing new things. I mean becoming independent and setting goals. I would like to say I am half way there. I don't think I will becoming a full adult and I hope I don't to be honest. There is something amazing when you have the eyes of a child. When you can view the world more than pain.
In my college years most of them were full of viewing the world of a life of pain. Of course I was in a lot of pain so eyes were a bit tinted with disaster to begin with. I slowly transformed out of it. Though to be frank, I do not think having a little pain is a bad thing. It can push us to find the better moments and make the better moments. It can be a source of good encouragement to be better than before. To help us not to stall.
I work every other weekend so I attend church every other weekend. Although I know I need to start attending night church on my work weekends. During the whole move and everything I haven't gone in a bit. Today I am so hungry for it. I'm literally thirsty for God's love and nourishment. I haven't felt that in a long time but I am so happy I do.
Lately, things have been feeling different for me. The taste of "bad" words in my mouth have tasted, I would say sour but I like sour things haha, like fruit gone bad. I'm thirsty for the Lord. I've been trying to make changes in my life and trying to see the world new. I think working at a mental health hospital has influence some of this. Being surrounded by people who are broken and hurting for whatever reason will force someone to find something that will replenish their own souls. I do not think everyone finds it, finds something that may for the moment or for eternity.
Yesterday while I was setting up my room I came across my collection of mom pictures. I miss her as much as I did the day she died. It just hurts less, way less. Time to time I think about if she were to take a walk into my life right now, what things would she approve of and what things would she not? It's my mirror...
Monday I got a tattoo. I wasn't planning on it but my very good friend was in town and gave me an excellent price for it. I have the contour of mountains. To be exact it is the Palomar Mountains in San Marcos, California....viewpoint. I didn't realize how in love with mountains I was until I started to live in Michigan. When I went to Spain it was even more clear for me. I think that mountains are one of God's greatest creations in nature. They symbolize so many things. With God you can move mountains. With God you can climb the steepest mountains. With God you will climb mountains. Their beauty and magnitude is magnificent. I look at my body and I start to realize that every tattoo I have has a story. The story always comes back to one root. The root of love and most importantly the root of God's love. I'm trying to become obsessed with God's love again. Trying not to be afraid or even embarrassed.
In my transition to become an adult my move that I made this week in life was getting a tattoo. To wash away any embarrassment I have felt from going out of my bubble and into to the real world...and still being in love with God.
What will be your move?
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I do not understand this adult life.
I usually have a stack of cards with envelopes tucked away. Some of the cards are just plain and others are special. They say something for a particular purpose. I bought a few awhile ago because there were times in my life that I would constantly make a handful of mistakes. They were sorries to people that I had wronged. Most of them went to Daniela. Others were for making people happy. I started writing letters because they expressed me better than my actions and words. I realized I could communicate better with hand written words than spoken words.
I wrote a small note recently to someone who was experiencing a traumatic event. While I was searching for a blank card I found one of the special cards. It says I.O.U a Sorry. Then you can check some boxes to express your guilt. The card is pretty plain but the font is beautiful as well as the simplistic blue border. I saw it and didn't think too much about it until today.
I saw the card and teared up a little. I think I owe myself an apology. I try to be hard on myself because I am not sure who will be. There are times were my dad is but most of the time he just doesn't understand the full circle and I know I don't either. So we don't always connect on certain things. I dated one person who was constructively hard on me but we went our separate ways. My best friend is a few countries away.Therefore it is just me. When I'm on my own for a bit I tend to be a lot harder on myself.
I realized that I was burning myself out. I've been job applying at a consistent pace for almost a year now for a job I can really move for. One that I can live off of on my own. One that I can feel independent and that my B.A is put to some good use.
Life is weird and I won't be ever ready to understand it. I'm at a point where a lot of the people in the world experience. Living off of part time everything. Having part time jobs and trying to make ends meet is hard. I don't have my immediate family close by where I can come home for a meal or ask if they can help me move. My friend moved back here a few weeks ago and he went home for a weekend. His words were "this feels so good" to feel comfort.
I'm starting to understand that life doesn't go your way. I learned that at an early age but in a very different way. I thought if something tragic happened to me then maybe in the other areas of my life it would be easier. Though I realized now I just understand a part of life that very few understand...I just don't understand these basic human situations. I do not understand why people have to feel lonely or feel alone. My former roommate's husband saw me on the couch the other day. He told me "Brenna, you look lonely." I asked him why and he responded with "no reason, it just looks like that." That hurt but not because he said it but because it was true.
I have a very hard time understanding why people aren't fully there for each other. I can't quite understand why people can't be reliable. I suppose I have experienced some hard things in life so I feel like it's my duty to stop what I'm doing when someone asks for my help. I do not understand why I would have to convince someone to "hold my hand." In last few months a relationship of mine ended and I realize I lost a best friend. Best friends are one of God's fantastic creations. It marks beauty, love, empathy, and most importantly a hand to hold when your days suck or their's suck. You are needed.
Although, I know the answer to well to this thing I presume to not understand. It's being selfish and busy. But I still do not understand why it is an excuse. Anyways, I'm trying to understand life after college and it doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled.
I have a very hard time understanding why people aren't fully there for each other. I can't quite understand why people can't be reliable. I suppose I have experienced some hard things in life so I feel like it's my duty to stop what I'm doing when someone asks for my help. I do not understand why I would have to convince someone to "hold my hand." In last few months a relationship of mine ended and I realize I lost a best friend. Best friends are one of God's fantastic creations. It marks beauty, love, empathy, and most importantly a hand to hold when your days suck or their's suck. You are needed.
Although, I know the answer to well to this thing I presume to not understand. It's being selfish and busy. But I still do not understand why it is an excuse. Anyways, I'm trying to understand life after college and it doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled.
I need to give myself a break and a bit of fresh air. That doesn't mean stopping what I am doing but to construct my thoughts a little bit more. To reconstruct them to be constructive. It really doesn't get easy but I have to start trusting people to be there for me, the ones who seem to be there when I call and not 2 hours late etc. I don't understand people who are apathetic or that aren't honest.
I will always learn two lessons. One is patience. Two is taking care of myself. Its taking care of yourself that could be the most crucial part of life. It can look different for everyone. But sometimes the last thing that gets checked off the list is our own sanity.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
When I try to embrace God, I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more
I'm always wanting to improve myself. I think it is important to do at what ever stage you are at in life. Right now I am in a stage of life that most people say it's one of the hardest times in your life, your twenties. Everyone generally runs into it.
I've been trying to push myself and to see something more. Lately, I have been trying to dive into the love of the Lord. I wasn't being a "Beloved" even though it is tattooed on my wrist. It is funny how simple to extreme events can change your view of situations.
Today during church, I had a very impactful moment. The pastor was a guest pastor...he was incredible. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, that cliche moment.
I felt something with someone this past year that I haven't felt with anyone. It didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to. In a sense it was like going back to the drawing board. Stepping back and trying to see what went wrong and then stepping back into life. I thought I would feel better by seeing other people but at the end of each experience I just felt a little bit more alone. I realized today that if I put that much energy into the grace of God...I might feel less alone.
At first I thought that this void may be the fact that Mother's Day is approaching. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I hate every commercial that talks about Mother's Day. The Hallmark holiday that I despise. Every now and then I think about what kind of advice she might give me. I reside in the positiveness when I think of her. I try to implement her in most of my life. She was a real woman of God.
With this mixture of feelings I realized I was sad today. The overwhelming kind of sadness that makes you a bit tearful. I've never found home in houses, places, or anything material in that matter. I find home in people and my Lord. I realized that I haven't prayed about job applying and the only thing I did was the internship that I basically have. Unpaid internship but it still happened.
I suppose next Sunday I might have some knots in my stomach. I suppose I need to continue "dating" my main squeeze Jesus. I'm not in the mood to dwell or be engulfed by life's troubles. There are moments in life that I forget I'm 23. I for some reason think I'm invincible to life's hardships. There was a devotional passage I read last week. It said to use Easter as a holiday for grief. In the terms of recognizing your grief and celebrating the very idea that it can be lifted. At the age of 23 I connected with that passage. I felt what Mary Magdalene and Martha felt, the grief, and then I felt the Easter happiness. Sometimes I have this feeling as though holidays are unnecessary in the Christian world because we should be calling attention to these events in every day life, not just one day out of the year. However, I disagree with my past self now. Holidays of this kind are needed. Needed to be celebrated. Easter is my favorite holiday because I learned what that day meant at an early age.
My blog entries may start out very sad and troubling but they seem to always end with a "happy ending". I try not to be swallowed by life's emptiness and then presume to be swallowed by the life that God created. I'm not good at this whatsoever but oh boy I'm I trying. When I try to embrace God I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more. Figure that out?
So for now I am on the hunt for a mentor. If you know of any don't be afraid to message me.
I've been trying to push myself and to see something more. Lately, I have been trying to dive into the love of the Lord. I wasn't being a "Beloved" even though it is tattooed on my wrist. It is funny how simple to extreme events can change your view of situations.
Today during church, I had a very impactful moment. The pastor was a guest pastor...he was incredible. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, that cliche moment.
I felt something with someone this past year that I haven't felt with anyone. It didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to. In a sense it was like going back to the drawing board. Stepping back and trying to see what went wrong and then stepping back into life. I thought I would feel better by seeing other people but at the end of each experience I just felt a little bit more alone. I realized today that if I put that much energy into the grace of God...I might feel less alone.
At first I thought that this void may be the fact that Mother's Day is approaching. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I hate every commercial that talks about Mother's Day. The Hallmark holiday that I despise. Every now and then I think about what kind of advice she might give me. I reside in the positiveness when I think of her. I try to implement her in most of my life. She was a real woman of God.
With this mixture of feelings I realized I was sad today. The overwhelming kind of sadness that makes you a bit tearful. I've never found home in houses, places, or anything material in that matter. I find home in people and my Lord. I realized that I haven't prayed about job applying and the only thing I did was the internship that I basically have. Unpaid internship but it still happened.
I suppose next Sunday I might have some knots in my stomach. I suppose I need to continue "dating" my main squeeze Jesus. I'm not in the mood to dwell or be engulfed by life's troubles. There are moments in life that I forget I'm 23. I for some reason think I'm invincible to life's hardships. There was a devotional passage I read last week. It said to use Easter as a holiday for grief. In the terms of recognizing your grief and celebrating the very idea that it can be lifted. At the age of 23 I connected with that passage. I felt what Mary Magdalene and Martha felt, the grief, and then I felt the Easter happiness. Sometimes I have this feeling as though holidays are unnecessary in the Christian world because we should be calling attention to these events in every day life, not just one day out of the year. However, I disagree with my past self now. Holidays of this kind are needed. Needed to be celebrated. Easter is my favorite holiday because I learned what that day meant at an early age.
My blog entries may start out very sad and troubling but they seem to always end with a "happy ending". I try not to be swallowed by life's emptiness and then presume to be swallowed by the life that God created. I'm not good at this whatsoever but oh boy I'm I trying. When I try to embrace God I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more. Figure that out?
So for now I am on the hunt for a mentor. If you know of any don't be afraid to message me.
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