It is as if it's my new awakening.

There was a color in the air that I swore I could smell. It as if it laid hidden from me though I was the only one who could see it and of course you too. Your presents moved swift through the crowds and the color floated in the air like remnants. I could still see you as the one holding my hand when I was scared, as the one holding my heart and knowing it, being my protector from the big bad world.
The clothes you wore were the ones I picked out. My stamp on you was laid on thick and you didn't even know it.

Time to time I'm still haunted by you in my dreams. You are starting to turn into more of a vague character in the distance. My task in my dream is to get as close to you as possible without actually speaking to you.

Your motives are starting to turn in ambiguous moves. The interactions we have seem cold and displaced. They seem so cold that when I do see you it is as if it is a dream because you never utter words in my presence or come close enough for myself to say something.

I had this dream last night that was as real as they come yet when waking up the incongruent events do not add up to reality. It was back to the time when my mom was dying. Her hospital bed was set in an outdoor theater. She was center stage. The people that were surrounding her were only women.  She was doing fine but the toll of the bells would soon strike and everyone knew it even she. I would come and go because when I would enter the outside theater I would sob. On one of the occasions that I sobbed...my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. I left...I ran. I ran to a shipping yard in some harbor. My friends were eating lunch there and you were there. The feeling was horrible so I left there too. I finally woke up by my cat perched by my pillow staring at me.

I do not find much symbolism in dreams but that was a very strange dream I had. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my dream even while I was dreaming. It was if I was cemented and all these bad things were happening around me. I had to experience it and I had to watch it.

One of my flaws is letting go of people when they need to be let go of. It is something I struggle with. It is hard for me to give up on something that I care so deeply about. I can't find myself to detach so easily. I've always been bad at noticing when a friendship is over. I've loved twice in my life at the age of 23. It took me a long time to let go of my first love. I was incapable of it.

My heart lingers like when keeping something, a sweatshirt, of someone you loved/liked/etc and their smell lingers on the clothing. My heart lingers on people. My mind can't escape it unless however I do not understand why it fell apart.

I've never been incapable of caring. I've been incapable of letting go. I have learned to transform the feelings and wants into something else. I capture it into a jar, the memories, I preserve the good then set it on the shelf. I tell myself I will only open it if I am able to seal it right back up. If I won't burst into tears but only shed a few I can open it. If it will help me then I can.

You know when people say during that time they were in a dark place....that they did it because they were in a dark place in their life? Well, I've been in the shadows. I haven't been removed from the reality I want to live in but I've been examining it from afar. I have been collecting the pieces and connecting them to the bigger picture. I'm in the daylight but hanging out in the shade. Well, I have been. I'm making my way into the sun. The rays that have touched my skin feels enticingly wonderful. It is as if I am being discovered. It is as if it's my new awakening.

It was time that I accepted some reinforcements

There is something that happens when home comes into your heart. There something that happens when it walks out the door as well. I don't find home in actually buildings or cities anymore. I have found that home is in the hearts of the ones that love me and love right back. I'm finding it hard to connect to Grand Rapids, Michigan. The summers are completely different than the ones in San Diego. I have to say I love my San Diego summers. I didn't know how much I appreciated them until I spent my first summer here.

I'm dreading winter already.

My other half has been with me for almost two weeks now and I feel warm with her here. I forgot how it felt for someone to care so much. I mean having them in the same room as you for several days. You start to notice so much. I felt home when she arrived. It took me a bit to unwind and feel comfortable because for several months I have been getting so used to being on my own. On my own with my feelings and emotions. I have been limited to a lot of things. These limitations have been great...in hindsight of course. But honestly they have made me see a lot of surrounding love and comfort. I have no idea what I would do without Daniela and Shannon.

The other day I went to work and pretty much had a classic bad day. Lost my breakfast...in my car. Unbelievably tired. Locked my keys (my spare because I couldn't find my keys) in my car. My body ached and so did my mind. I got home and found them on the couch all looking pretty. My house was clean. My laundry was done and FOLDED. The dishes were clean. And then they wanted to take me out to happy hour. Honestly haven't had someone do something like that in a very long time. Then my roommate was entirely gracious and drove me to my car with a set of keys.

Those kind of actions make me so grateful and thankful. I felt loved.

Life has been bringing me a lot of lemons....there is too much lemonade being made that I can't keep up with it. It was time that I accepted some reinforcements.

Sometimes your home shifts though I think it eventually finds its way into your heart. It eventually settles in and comforts you. It may be that you have been far away from it for awhile although if its truly home...it will never walk out that door. I have complete faith in that.

God's grace is in the air and I can feel it.

To wash away any embarrassment I have felt...

My life in the last month has been living in other people's homes, job applying, and then working. I just moved into my house, got some positive feed back from job applying, and still working of course. I've been trying hard now to transition into adult life...

Of course on this path of becoming adult I may view it a little bit differently than some but that is ok. I don't mean stop having fun or stop embracing new things. I mean becoming independent and setting goals. I would like to say I am half way there. I don't think I will becoming a full adult and I hope I don't to be honest. There is something amazing when you have the eyes of a child. When you can view the world more than pain.

In my college years most of them were full of viewing the world of a life of pain. Of course I was in a lot of pain so eyes were a bit tinted with disaster to begin with. I slowly transformed out of it. Though to be frank, I do not think having a little pain is a bad thing. It can push us to find the better moments and make the better moments. It can be a source of good encouragement to be better than before. To help us not to stall.

I work every other weekend so I attend church every other weekend. Although I know I need to start attending night church on my work weekends. During the whole move and everything I haven't gone in a bit. Today I am so hungry for it. I'm literally thirsty for God's love and nourishment. I haven't felt that in a long time but I am so happy I do.

Lately, things have been feeling different for me. The taste of "bad" words in my mouth have tasted, I would say sour but I like sour things haha, like fruit gone bad. I'm thirsty for the Lord. I've been trying to make changes in my life and trying to see the world new. I think working at a mental health hospital has influence some of this. Being surrounded by people who are broken and hurting for whatever reason will force someone to find something that will replenish their own souls. I do not think everyone finds it, finds something that may for the moment or for eternity.

Yesterday while I was setting up my room I came across my collection of mom pictures. I miss her as much as I did the day she died. It just hurts less, way less. Time to time I think about if she were to take a walk into my life right now, what things would she approve of and what things would she not? It's my mirror...

Monday I got a tattoo. I wasn't planning on it but my very good friend was in town and gave me an excellent price for it. I have the contour of mountains. To be exact it is the Palomar Mountains in San Marcos, California....viewpoint. I didn't realize how in love with mountains I was until I started to live in Michigan. When I went to Spain it was even more clear for me. I think that mountains are one of God's greatest creations in nature. They symbolize so many things. With God you can move mountains. With God you can climb the steepest mountains. With God you will climb mountains. Their beauty and magnitude is magnificent. I look at my body and I start to realize that every tattoo I have has a story. The story always comes back to one root. The root of love and most importantly the root of God's love. I'm trying to become obsessed with God's love again. Trying not to be afraid or even embarrassed.

In my transition to become an adult my move that I made this week in life was getting a tattoo. To wash away any embarrassment I have felt from going out of my bubble and into to the real world...and still being in love with God.

What will be your move?

I do not understand this adult life.

I usually have a stack of cards with envelopes tucked away. Some of the cards are just plain and others are special. They say something for a particular purpose. I bought a few awhile ago because there were times in my life that I would constantly make a handful of mistakes. They were sorries to people that I had wronged. Most of them went to Daniela. Others were for making people happy. I started writing letters because they expressed me better than my actions and words. I realized I could communicate better with hand written words than spoken words.

I wrote a small note recently to someone who was experiencing a traumatic event. While I was searching for a blank card I found one of the special cards. It says I.O.U a Sorry. Then you can check some boxes to express your guilt. The card is pretty plain but the font is beautiful as well as the simplistic blue border. I saw it and didn't think too much about it until today. 

I saw the card and teared up a little. I think I owe myself an apology. I try to be hard on myself because I am not sure who will be. There are times were my dad is but most of the time he just doesn't understand the full circle and I know I don't either. So we don't always connect on certain things. I dated one person who was constructively hard on me but we went our separate ways. My best friend is a few countries away.Therefore it is just me. When I'm on my own for a bit I tend to be a lot harder on myself. 

I realized that I was burning myself out. I've been job applying at a consistent pace for almost a year now for a job I can really move for. One that I can live off of on my own. One that I can feel independent and that my B.A is put to some good use. 

Life is weird and I won't be ever ready to understand it. I'm at a point where a lot of the people in the world experience. Living off of part time everything. Having part time jobs and trying to make ends meet is hard. I don't have my immediate family close by where I can come home for a meal or ask if they can help me move. My friend moved back here a few weeks ago and he went home for a weekend. His words were "this feels so good" to feel comfort. 

I'm starting to understand that life doesn't go your way. I learned that at an early age but in a very different way. I thought if something tragic happened to me then maybe in the other areas of my life it would be easier. Though I realized now I just understand a part of life that very few understand...I just don't understand these basic human situations. I do not understand why people have to feel lonely or feel alone. My former roommate's husband saw me on the couch the other day. He told me "Brenna, you look lonely." I asked him why and he responded with "no reason, it just looks like that." That hurt but not because he said it but because it was true.

I have a very hard time understanding why people aren't fully there for each other. I can't quite understand why people can't be reliable. I suppose I have experienced some hard things in life so I feel like it's my duty to stop what I'm doing when someone asks for my help. I do not understand why I would have to convince someone to "hold my hand." In last few months a relationship of mine ended and I realize I lost a best friend. Best friends are one of God's fantastic creations. It marks beauty, love, empathy, and most importantly a hand to hold when your days suck or their's suck. You are needed.

Although, I know the answer to well to this thing I presume to not understand. It's being selfish and busy. But I still do not understand why it is an excuse. Anyways, I'm trying to understand life after college and it doesn't make sense to me. I'm baffled.

I need to give myself a break and a bit of fresh air. That doesn't mean stopping what I am doing but to construct my thoughts a little bit more. To reconstruct them to be constructive. It really doesn't get easy but I have to start trusting people to be there for me, the ones who seem to be there when I call and not 2 hours late etc. I don't understand people who are apathetic or that aren't honest. 

I will always learn two lessons. One is patience. Two is taking care of myself. Its taking care of yourself that could be the most crucial part of life. It can look different for  everyone. But sometimes the last thing that gets checked off the list is our own sanity. 

When I try to embrace God, I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more

I'm always wanting to improve myself. I think it is important to do at what ever stage you are at in life. Right now I am in a stage of life that most people say it's one of the hardest times in your life, your twenties. Everyone generally runs into it.

I've been trying to push myself and to see something more. Lately, I have been trying to dive into the love of the Lord. I wasn't being a "Beloved" even though it is tattooed on my wrist. It is funny how simple to extreme events can change your view of situations.

Today during church, I had a very impactful moment. The pastor was a guest pastor...he was incredible. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, that cliche moment.

I felt something with someone this past year that I haven't felt with anyone. It didn't pan out the way I thought it was going to. In a sense it was like going back to the drawing board. Stepping back and trying to see what went wrong and then stepping back into life. I thought I would feel better by seeing other people but at the end of each experience I just felt a little bit more alone. I realized today that if I put that much energy into the grace of God...I might feel less alone.

At first I thought that this void may be the fact that Mother's Day is approaching. Oh how I miss her. Oh how I hate every commercial that talks about Mother's Day. The Hallmark holiday that I despise. Every now and then I think about what kind of advice she might give me. I reside in the positiveness when I think of her. I try to implement her in most of my life. She was a real woman of God.

With this mixture of feelings I realized I was sad today. The overwhelming kind of sadness that makes you a bit tearful. I've never found home in houses, places, or anything material in that matter. I find home in people and my Lord. I realized that I haven't prayed about job applying and the only thing I did was the internship that I basically have. Unpaid internship but it still happened.

I suppose next Sunday I might have some knots in my stomach. I suppose I need to continue "dating" my main squeeze Jesus. I'm not in the mood to dwell or be engulfed by life's troubles. There are moments in life that I forget I'm 23. I for some reason think I'm invincible to life's hardships. There was a devotional passage I read last week. It said to use Easter as a holiday for grief. In the terms of recognizing your grief and celebrating the very idea that it can be lifted. At the age of 23 I connected with that passage. I felt what Mary Magdalene and Martha felt, the grief, and then I felt the Easter happiness. Sometimes I have this feeling as though holidays are unnecessary in the Christian world because we should be calling attention to these events in every day life, not just one day out of the year. However, I disagree with my past self now. Holidays of this kind are needed. Needed to be celebrated. Easter is my favorite holiday because I learned what that day meant at an early age.

My blog entries may start out very sad and troubling but they seem to always end with a "happy ending". I try not to be swallowed by life's emptiness and then presume to be swallowed by the life that God created. I'm not good at this whatsoever but oh boy I'm I trying. When I try to embrace God I always seem to embrace my mom a little bit more. Figure that out?

So for now I am on the hunt for a mentor. If you know of any don't be afraid to message me.

life, eh?

I've been wondering something for some time. Life is extremely hard. I've been putting myself out there for awhile. Putting myself out there in means of jobs and many other things. I've just been experiencing rejection or just this half commitment thing. I've noticed that I fell into this trap...a trap of self pity. That isn't a way to live life whatsoever. So I try harder.

I'm exhausted from trying harder but that is what is. I call to a high being, God, to provide strength for me. To guide me into something that is designed for me. I have been running full force into half open doors. I'm starting to realize that half open doors are not enough. They simply aren't enough.

I've loved. I've lost. I've been rejected. I've been trying.

I think there something magical about life however. This entire day I have failed to see the magic. I have a loving Father that is paying my more than half of my student loans and asks only for love in return. I have just ENOUGH to buy groceries today. And even though my best friends are way down south right now. I have this beautiful thing called iMessage...and the lovely company of others.

I do not think I realized I was exhausted until today. Its funny how things appear out of the blue. I have often thought I wasn't smart enough or good enough....until I tried. I have always learned the hard way and I rarely do learn the easy way. I've had a 6 month review from Pine Rest. And it was the most loveliest thing to read. I've seen something in the eyes of my friends recently that I haven't seen before. I saw their love for me. I think thats a hard thing to see sometimes to be honest.

A person is very complex...I am finding out things about myself in the last two months...I didn't know existed. Its been a trying to say the least. But I have found when I believe in myself life is simple. I lost a bit of that today and it honestly a bitch. I struggled today.

We all have our life situations. We all handle them very differently. I think it is very important to believe in yourself. It makes the motion of life easier to deal with. Being confident in yourself is probably the best advice I can give someone. I lost sight of that for a moment but it is time to go and move forward.



life, eh?

Walls of my room spoke

Walls of My Room Spoke

There was a moment when my heart stood still.
I listened to the silence and noticed I stood still.
My eyes lingered on your body.
Either love was blinding or this was real.
I held my tongue for some months and watched.
Smoke left my lungs as I readied myself.
Deep devotion I laid in, to wake in deep emotion.
My heart stood still and the silence settled in.
Tired eyes looking at you and sadness back at me.
The moment my heart stood still to calm myself.
Leather on your feet, I picked it out for you.
The green on your back we found together.
Materials only resembling mundane memories.
I sat in the silence on the stairs to breath it in.
I forced the rejection away for me.
Prolonging the sadness till it wasn't possible.
The walls of my room spoke to me in subtle voices.
Whispering the memories they witnessed.
Standing still, my heart listened and lingered on.
There was a moment when my heart stood still.
I listened to the silence and noticed I stood still.
Either love was blinding or this was real.
You held me when it was over...you held me
this time you didn't even move, you said nothing.
The one stood still but I picked my heart up and moved.
----------------------

There was this moment in my life that I couldn't quite grasp. It took me years for my mind and my heart to be on the same page. I searched endlessly for answers. Nothing seemed to work because I wanted things to heal fast and they weren't. Time, it took time to heal me. It took 6 years for me to feel ok consistently after my mom passed. I had to work through I lot of things and come to terms with so many things. When I approach heart ache now...my intensity to solve the equation is less intense. I have become very comfortable with finding a balance. I have had to learn how to trust. Though I do know I love like a child so when things end I feel intense. I have a hard time calculating things out to make sure that its ok to love. However it isn't easy for me to find something that I love passionately like a child. For a simplistic example, I like a lot of music but to love it takes a "Love at first listen" for me. I will become obsessed with it. I have realized for me now that logical transcends into a lot of areas of my life. It isn't the first look. Or the first intimate encounter...a kiss...a hand hold...a hug...etc. For me its listening to you or it. The first listen. When I took time to listen to job I learned to love it. I dislike many things about my job. But when I listened to the kids and let connections be made I loved it. When I listen to people...a really good listen, I fall into a spiral of connections. I inter-web myself and if that listen is amazing, it's hard for me to turn away. I fall into loving like a child. Risks start to disappear...the minor negativeness disappear...It is like finding the full moon and the light it shines down. It's the light in the complete darkness that can guide you.

I have no idea why but I love this song.