I have breath to question and struggle.

I think I know. But then I realize I didn't.
I've been having these amazing talks with my other half for some time now. They have certainly evolved over time. The talks began has figuring out life but sort of bashing people who think differently than us. Now it has turned into something more than that. Taking a step back and looking at the human experience. Understand how someone could of hurt us the way they have. Listen to the other person vent in totally confidentiality. Though the main point of it all is to lean on someone and be strong enough to let them lean on you.

As we have fumbled through life and keep fumbling I have uncovered the things I tend to cling onto more. I have found the things I have believed in and don't mind someone knowing. This has been apart of me changing and maturing although it has also been apart of me searching for the answers. I have found answers through my studies and constant readings. Learning to dig deep and not being afraid of the answer has seem to be the key.

There is something that I have almost refused to dig deep in. Not because I am afraid of the answer but because it as allowed me to actually find that answer while searching other things. Every since I went to Spain I have put God aside. Was this risky? Yes I believe it was risky. Though if He is real and an actually god then I knew I would come back. I didn't stop believing in Him or refuse to believe in Him. I did however stop believing that the churches I have been attending were Him.

There is a saying that going to church isn't what makes you a Christian. I heard that and listened to it. Why have I walked away from the church for a bit? Because I didn't feel welcomed. I didn't feel at home. I actually felt like I didn't belong. I have always felt this though. I have just felt it deeper. Most Christians are conservative republicans. Most, if not all, Christian Reformed churches are conservative republicans. I thought I was too. Until I looked at problems or concerns in the world from a different angle and then looking at all evidence.

I found out one thing. I can finally breath. I have breath to question and struggle. I have the chance to actually look at a human being and not judge them by how they look or act. I remember coming home one time from Michigan. I went to college group one night. There was a kid seating beside me. My friend leans over and whispers, "Watch out. He gets weird and dances everywhere. Its really annoying." So I did watch out...I saw how awesome he was. The songs played and so did his heart.

Whenever I go to church and its during the worship time....I sometimes get nervous. How are other people acting. How does this church worship. How should I act? When I'm with my friends at a dance party...I don't even care who watches me. I'm going to jump, scream the lyrics, go buckwild, I'm going dance like I just don't care, I'm going to be free. Why can't we do that in church? Why can't I worship God like that at church without looking like I'm psychotic? The pressures are so great to not look like that.

I could go on and on about the pressures I feel from the church or being in the church. I can go on and on about how they make me feel sad and not accepted. I can. But I won't for now. Instead I will pray for something. I haven't really prayed in a long time. I have a shitty but also beautiful reason for this.

I wanted and want to see the rawness in humans. How some friends are there to the point you have to tell them to back off. Or their are some friends that actually try to understand, others that don't, and some that are plain mean.

I have a group of friends. We have never been to church together. Some go and some don't. But the thing is I have never felt more loved. We are way too real. Others can't really handle it. We have accepted our rawness because we have all seen each other at our worse. There are times when we only see each other at our worse. I've never felt this before. I have never felt this from the church. I have never felt like I could come as I am into the church. To God...yes I have but not the church.

But I think its time to pray again...not for others. but for myself. Because i finally feel like I'm not in a competition anymore to be the "best" christian. I was so tired of it.

What I have learned though is that God hears you. I'm not sure how or even why but he does. Things are complex and when you try to simplify Christianity...it ends up not making sense. The world isn't black and white from the flowers popping out of the ground to the identity of sexual orientation you perceive to be you.

So I have decided I am going to pray. Pray for change, understanding, open minds, and the hearts of people to be open.

.

I think of all things great

Later in the day I was beginning to feel a lot of sadness. It was overwhelming so I decided to talk about it. I did and I have realized a lot of things. Things that I'm not sure I have ever vocalized. Or maybe I have I just can't remember.
It's Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate love. A day to have any excuse to tell your crush you like them. A day to be dramatic. A day of forever alone. The national single awareness day. The list goes on whether it is bad or good. My week days are boring. There isn't a lot of exciting things that happen anymore in the week. Most of my friends have graduated which doesn't leave a lot of friends to hang out with while I am at school. This results in me being alone most of the day besides seeing my classmates.
Today I just had enough by the time I knew I was going to be alone for several hours. I have actually learned how to take care of this and have a different mindset when I approach these kinds of days. It has happen so many times that I am in a habit of it. Although, today was just different. I started to miss the way my mom celebrated stupid holidays like this one. We, her kids, would have gift baskets of treats and/or a new clothing item. This happened on Easter, sometimes St. Patrick's day, and all the other minor holidays. Then my train of thought drifted to the fact that my mom is dead and I'm going to spend the rest of the day alone.
I know that sounds so morbid but once you have someone extremely close to you that affected your daily life...you will understand. My mind just started to drift to a black hole. Once it got there I was terrified...
I was depressed for awhile a year ago. My mind started to think about that and I started to cry. I have no intentions of every letting myself get to that point again.

So this is what I did. I talked it out. I learned that my closest friends really know how to make me feel important. They make me feel sane. They make me feel like a person. A person who is broken just like them.

I also thought about my mom who had a chronic illness. She also was on the Price is Right. She was on the talk show Montel Williams. She was on the News and talked to while walking for the cure for breast cancer. She did make up for plays. She came to everyone of my home games even if she was sick and in a wheelchair. She made my lunch every morning until she physically couldn't anymore.

I think it is hard to picture Jesus on the cross. Or I think its hard to see a human being selfless and give unconditional love.

But I think of my mom. I think about the ways in which leaped over cancer and crushed it's painful consequences. My mom wasn't perfect. Far from it. But to me she was. Because she is my Valentine...she achieved so much and in the worse parts of her life. How do you do that??!?!?!

When i get sad I let myself get sad. Then I think of things I'm grateful for. The things I'm good at. The things I love and the people I love. I think of all things great.

It has been that space that allows me to dance

My last semester of undregrad. I'm not completely sure how I got here or what got me here. I have discovered and rediscovered my beliefs in my spiritual life, in politics, and what I believe is to be a good life. I have dug deep in my faults and I have also dug deep in things I find to be true. I try my hardest to pull myself out of depression and overwhelming sadness. I have put my confounded beliefs on a high shelf...and have left the ones I still can't figure out on the table.

In a sense I have found my voice although I still haven't. I have just found what I vaguely want out of life. My eyes right now are on my friends. There is a handful of people that I know I won't see ever again or that I won't see for a few years. My heart drops. My heart drops because a lot of them have touched my heart in a way that family does. I wish I had found myself freshman year and that I could of enjoyed myself instead of struggling to the surface. However, Grand Rapids, Michigan would be useless to me then. It has served me well. It has been like a pillow that I can scream into and figure out my issues. It has been that space that allows me to dance around deep issues and concerns...then settle down with one or two.

When I think of my mom's funeral...I think about all the people that came up to me and told me how my mom had touched their lives. I always thought there was over 500 people there but recently I learned it was more like 700. I have never meet somebody that has topped my mom in that way. I want to live up to be like her. I want to know that I have touched the hearts of my friends and every person that I meet.

My mother was spunky, raw, aggressive, loving, and so caring. She fought for her beliefs. I remember one time I wanted to go to my cousin's. I got in a fight with my mom about it because I spending a lot of time outside of the house on the weekends. I spilled the beans. I couldn't handle being home. My mom cried. I never knew how much it hurt her until now.

I've tried really hard in life to not say things to people in a way that might really hurt them, even if it is true. Yes, the truth hurts...but its how it is said. It is how it is presented. It is how it is intended to sound. It is the motivation behind it. It is....

The truth may be true to you but is it true to the other person? My life forced me grow up as fast as possible. What I should of done was to stay home and be with my mom. no matter how much I wanted to get out of there. Because there is a time for everything. And to see if it the right timing is key.

I want the church where my funeral is held to hold as much people as it can. I want to touch people's hearts. I want to hug my friend's when they hurt. I want to control my aggression when it isn't tunneled the right way. I want to love people and for them to remember me in a good way.

Butterfly

I was there. In the middle of it all. I wanted to burst. I wanted to burst at the seams...I was in the bar. Drinks were being served to all and even me. I wanted to twitch and to steer to another universe. There was something inside of me rising....to all extremes.

Life is different when it is just not you in the picture. When someone else is mixed up in what you are mixed up in... What are you mixed up in? Life...it is life. Life is what you are mixed up in. Of course you can do it alone, for awhile. But after awhile life just gets lonely. It gets to a point where you can't do it alone. Where another human being needs to be in the mix of things. Because your heart craves community.

However, when that other human being is with you or beside you there is a chance their pain can affect you also. Lately, things haven't been happening to me but to the rest of my close circle. People are getting hurt, falling into pain, or struggling. The two paragraphs above I wrote a few days ago after an intense night. I expected it to be fun but it ended in being intense. My emotions were strong and held a lot of importance. I couldn't shake them off. At times I think I get attached and care too much to the point that I become a protector.

Since my mom passed away, death has affected me. When I hear someone has died...when it is my friend's friend, loved one, or relative...it hurts. It hurts in this weird way that is almost numb. I have obtained this new kind of empathy. Lately my friends have known someone who has died...who seems to be close to their family in some way. I find it hard to separate myself from it.

The three paragraphs were written over the month of January. The feelings I have been feeling havent just gone away or developed into something knew...or I haven't finished dealing with it. When I finish dealing with it, I do two things. I stop writing about it or I write about it and then its final.

They say that as an adult life just gets harder as you go. That it just becomes more complex and intertwined with more and more people. Your heart leaves traces on other people and they leave traces on you as well. It is as if you are a butterfly...their power leaves traces on your fingers...your imprints leave traces on them. If they give themselves away too much, they die.

Sometimes I feel like the butterfly. When I put myself in other people's live...when I let myself. I leave traces of me behind that I can never get back. Some pieces I wish I could steal back and other pieces I'm fine with giving away. I want to keep treating my heart and other people's hearts as butterflies. Because if you give too much of yourself away, you can lose yourself all together.

Though one thing I have learned is things like my familiarness with death, is something that I cannot choose to keep or lose. I give that piece of myself no matter what happens.

as long as they will let me

The holiday seasons have past and now we look forward to the rest of winter and spring break. Our lives revolve around the seasons...in fact they dictated by them. We celebrate and then move on. We get into the Christmas spirit and then we enter the New Year.

I don't have any resolutions that are elaborate or complex. Though I do have one. It is to have no regrets. Going into the rest of the school year with a positive and moving forward kind of attitude. I know once this last semester is over, my life will be strange. I sometimes have these little panic attacks about it. Back home I don't have a friend group. I wish I did. I once did. I will not have what I had/have here in Michigan.

In Michigan I went through some of the hardest times of my life and some of the greatest times in my life. I learned in my classes. I learned with my friends. My friends found me. I did not find them. I cried my most in Michigan and I also laughed the most here. I have thought about staying. If I could find a job. And then thought about how many of my friends will be moving to different places...or already have. I get really sad. Because there isn't a solution. I just have to stick it out with whatever happens.

Christmas break was amazing. I spent it with my family. With my brothers, my dad, my sister-n-laws, and my niece. I had the best of times. It felt like for once in my life my entire family was happy. That we have grown so much over the past 5 years. I look at each of them and see the life in their eyes. I wonder if the next Christmases will be the same. I've missed them each dearly.

One thing came out of the break was that I reconnected with my sister-n-law allison. I think it has to deal with the fact that I am getting older and maturing, haha. But anyways, to me it was awesome and just kinda magical. I really appreciated the time we had. I'm a bit different than my family. I dress differently and I'm interested in some different things. Though when you connect with your family...its magic. At times we just work to get along and it shouldn't be that way. We should just get along.

As the holidays pass and the world moves into it's daily routine, stop and look at the people around you. The people you surrond yourself with. Every single one of them. If they are worth it hold them close and never let go. Because a holiday isn't meant to be spent alone. But to be spent with family no matter if they are blood related or not. I'm going to hold onto my Michigan family as long as I can and as long as they will let me.

To Fight for a Better Me: Part Two

My last entry is so interesting to me because of has happened now. I have been learning a lot in the last two weeks. I have seen my childish ways so present in my life. I have seen how I need to fight for a better me because then I am capable in fighting for others. It is time that I become an adult. I have in many ways but I am starting to realize I have a lot of work to do in my life.

I have been through a lot and things are still getting figured out. Though I have realized in my strength derived from my struggles, it has prohibited me to relate to another human being. It has kept me from getting involved in my friend's lives. I have talked about myself for far too long and now it is time to talk about others. It is time for me to extinguish my beliefs that have been rooted in fear and laziness. I am not a child anymore...I am not in the "real" world where things get more complex and if we don't have the skills to survive in it, there is no hope.

I have been selfish. I have been so selfish.

I have this problem. I have a problem with getting involved in my friend's lives. I assume that if I am capable of being an open book to them that they should be also with me. That is a complete fabricated lie. I have definitely created that so I didn't have to get so involved. I fear of losing people. I have this fear because I lost someone very special to me. So I fear getting attached. I fear that if I do get attached in this way...that I will fail them. I will them like I failed my brother when he got consumed by drugs. I know this is a lie but sometimes the lies we tell ourselves...disguise themselves as the truth until we are told otherwise. I fear failing people. That I won't be what they want me to be or who that want me to be.

So I have this dilemma. To solve this problem, that I find so horrifying and troubling, will not be easy. Because to be honest I don't know how to. I don't know how to make this an easy transition or if it could be an easy transition. I ask of you...reader...to help me. Surely there are people that are better than me at this.

The reason why I want to be aggressive...is because I am 21 and after college it is like these qualities you obtain and how your character my alter through the years...I am making habits and these habits will stay with me. Before they get too deep in my skin and my mind I want to change it. I want to change it as much as possible. I will not be a prisoner in my own habits and rituals.

This is my next chapter. Turning the pages to find something new and more delightful. To not only bear the fruit from my own personal day but to bear the fruit of others' days. To be a listening ear. To be intention with the approaches to conversation. To be keen. Alert. Alive for others. To limit my talk of personal struggles. To fight for a better me.

I learn to fight for a better me

There will always be a battle. A battle in our hearts or against the rest of the world. We don't realize we are fighting until it just gets too much. And we need to make a decision if we are going to keep on fighting. Its that point where our character shows and where we build more on our character.

Fighting was taught to me at an early stage in my life. I was weak and shy. Although the world changed me because it asked many things of me. It asked me to fight and if I don't fight I won't last in this world. I didn't know how this decision to fight would influence me in the way I perceived life and dealt with it.

We fight in what we believe to be true and when our beliefs are tested. We fight when our loves are being attacked or when ourselves are being attacked. We fight.

I'm a stubborn fighter. It is part of my temperament. I'm finding it easier to realize that I could be wrong or even better yet...I am wrong. Though, I am also finding it easier to fight for others. I will fight for them when they are being attacked. I'm trying to do that. I want to do that.

This semester has been interesting. Things have come up that were and still are interesting. I suppose its like that most of the time though. I want to know that these things that have tested me will continue to make me grow in ways that I should. These are things that prove to be important to me. Life will go faster and become more complex as well become older. It is our choice to move along with it and to allow it to mold us.

We will meet people in our lives that will test us. People we dislike or dislike us...people we love or try to love. People that are important and will be important...people we just meet. I do not want to let any one slow me down. Instead I want them to either push me ahead or grow with me as I grow.

In the beginning of the semester my heart was harden. I'm not so sure about what. It grew hard and misshapen. Slowly it has been awaken...I can feel myself awakening but then I hit a wall.

I get to consumed and involved into things that I prioritize...haha and school is definitely not one of them. I get too consumed and too involved. So now I am learning even more about myself with the help of individuals.

I fight for the new me. The adult me. I fight for things that should be right about me. I learn to drop my fights with things that are wrong with me. I learn to fight for a better me.