To Fight for a Better Me: Part Two

My last entry is so interesting to me because of has happened now. I have been learning a lot in the last two weeks. I have seen my childish ways so present in my life. I have seen how I need to fight for a better me because then I am capable in fighting for others. It is time that I become an adult. I have in many ways but I am starting to realize I have a lot of work to do in my life.

I have been through a lot and things are still getting figured out. Though I have realized in my strength derived from my struggles, it has prohibited me to relate to another human being. It has kept me from getting involved in my friend's lives. I have talked about myself for far too long and now it is time to talk about others. It is time for me to extinguish my beliefs that have been rooted in fear and laziness. I am not a child anymore...I am not in the "real" world where things get more complex and if we don't have the skills to survive in it, there is no hope.

I have been selfish. I have been so selfish.

I have this problem. I have a problem with getting involved in my friend's lives. I assume that if I am capable of being an open book to them that they should be also with me. That is a complete fabricated lie. I have definitely created that so I didn't have to get so involved. I fear of losing people. I have this fear because I lost someone very special to me. So I fear getting attached. I fear that if I do get attached in this way...that I will fail them. I will them like I failed my brother when he got consumed by drugs. I know this is a lie but sometimes the lies we tell ourselves...disguise themselves as the truth until we are told otherwise. I fear failing people. That I won't be what they want me to be or who that want me to be.

So I have this dilemma. To solve this problem, that I find so horrifying and troubling, will not be easy. Because to be honest I don't know how to. I don't know how to make this an easy transition or if it could be an easy transition. I ask of you...reader...to help me. Surely there are people that are better than me at this.

The reason why I want to be aggressive...is because I am 21 and after college it is like these qualities you obtain and how your character my alter through the years...I am making habits and these habits will stay with me. Before they get too deep in my skin and my mind I want to change it. I want to change it as much as possible. I will not be a prisoner in my own habits and rituals.

This is my next chapter. Turning the pages to find something new and more delightful. To not only bear the fruit from my own personal day but to bear the fruit of others' days. To be a listening ear. To be intention with the approaches to conversation. To be keen. Alert. Alive for others. To limit my talk of personal struggles. To fight for a better me.

I learn to fight for a better me

There will always be a battle. A battle in our hearts or against the rest of the world. We don't realize we are fighting until it just gets too much. And we need to make a decision if we are going to keep on fighting. Its that point where our character shows and where we build more on our character.

Fighting was taught to me at an early stage in my life. I was weak and shy. Although the world changed me because it asked many things of me. It asked me to fight and if I don't fight I won't last in this world. I didn't know how this decision to fight would influence me in the way I perceived life and dealt with it.

We fight in what we believe to be true and when our beliefs are tested. We fight when our loves are being attacked or when ourselves are being attacked. We fight.

I'm a stubborn fighter. It is part of my temperament. I'm finding it easier to realize that I could be wrong or even better yet...I am wrong. Though, I am also finding it easier to fight for others. I will fight for them when they are being attacked. I'm trying to do that. I want to do that.

This semester has been interesting. Things have come up that were and still are interesting. I suppose its like that most of the time though. I want to know that these things that have tested me will continue to make me grow in ways that I should. These are things that prove to be important to me. Life will go faster and become more complex as well become older. It is our choice to move along with it and to allow it to mold us.

We will meet people in our lives that will test us. People we dislike or dislike us...people we love or try to love. People that are important and will be important...people we just meet. I do not want to let any one slow me down. Instead I want them to either push me ahead or grow with me as I grow.

In the beginning of the semester my heart was harden. I'm not so sure about what. It grew hard and misshapen. Slowly it has been awaken...I can feel myself awakening but then I hit a wall.

I get to consumed and involved into things that I prioritize...haha and school is definitely not one of them. I get too consumed and too involved. So now I am learning even more about myself with the help of individuals.

I fight for the new me. The adult me. I fight for things that should be right about me. I learn to drop my fights with things that are wrong with me. I learn to fight for a better me.

Or maybe just some of those childish things

I am not quite sure how I got to this point in my life. Where I have become so dependent on myself and dependent on very few people. At times I think that my heart has grown into a stone or some kind of crystal. The exterior is hard but the inside of it is where everything special is. I suppose I started to not wear my heart on sleeve and only really be me around a selective crowd. At times it isn't that noticeable and in fact I don't really care. In the end I got tired of getting hurt and letting myself get hurt. So natural I changed it over time. The pressure of life and what positions I felt like I was in turned me into coal. I got sort of harsh and annoyed. Into some kind of critic. I'm looking at life through my experiences and things that have polished away the things that I just can't carry on with. I suppose I matured and left childish things behind in some way. Although those things, those childish things, might have been better to keep. Or maybe just some of those childish things. I cannot erase what people have done to me or what people have done for me. I also can't erase what life events have done to me or do to me.

I look at the people in my life and I count the people who really know me and respect me and the number begins to decrease from the actual number of people I am friends with. I cannot quite explain why this is so. Some people have taken the time to get to know me and others asked me to take the time to get to know them.

When I search through the sea of people I know I begin to wonder what goes on through their head. I want to know what they have been through that makes them tick. I wonder why I am not like them or they aren't like me. I wonder why I cry at these times and they don't and vice versa.

There are some that say people don't change. I don't think that is true. I think people can change. They have their fondation, their personality temperaments. Their cognition can change to a certain extent and therefore their behaviors change. Life is stagnate and it cannot stop on a dime. Events and situations keep happening that effect people like a ripple effect.

Ever since Spain I have had a hard time being involved with the church. I never felt like I really belonged. My ideas kept being different. Community was different in my eyes. I felt mature by life than most adults there. As the years went on from my freshman year in college to now...I view church different. When I walk in I do not feel welcomed. It feels as though people come to hear a lecture and sing songs. mingle and then leave. the pressure to have community is so great that it feels incredibly fake. I have yet to shake a hand and see Gods face in their eyes. Although I actually did once. In California I shaked the hand of an old woman who greeted me into church. Her wrinkles told me stories of life and frustration. Her eyes told me of love and embrace. I'm not sure why I have lost my hope in church. But what I do know now is that the meanest people I have met have been affiliated with the church. They talked with smooth and suave words but it felt like a bite from a snake.

I have felt more welcomed in a bar then at church. Maybe because people are drinking which is very true. But I have had great conversations in them also. I have met people who have been through hell and actually talk about it. I have met more kind eyes then I have in church. Its weird because when I usually meet kind eyes in a church, the person is older...much older then me.

I have changed in numerous ways. Learned lessons that reach the sun. I've cried for days on end. I have done horrible things. I have tried to be kind and then tried some more. I have told somebody I loved them. I have been hurt many times. I have held the hand of the dying. I have felt love.. genuine love from just an embrace. Though I have not lived. I have not. I have more mountains to climb and sorrows to bare. I have oceans to swim and rivers to wade in. I have couches and blankets and friends to snuggle with still.

I still feel like a bird in it's cage and the door is open but I still cannot fly out of it.

I have this photo on my desk. It is of my mom and I. I'm probably 4. We are both wearing white shirts and bathing suits. Taking a walk on the beach and look for seashells. My hair is up in a pony tail and a ribbon tied in. I wish I could go back to this time. Where I was innocent and didn't think too much. Life was simple and understood.

Traumas are very interesting. A person goes through something that can't be describe in any way. And to work their way to some kind of new normal, takes a very long time. I'm sick of missing my mom. I kind of just want to be over it. But then i think about the series of events I went through, especially towards the end of my mom's life. I don't understand how I got this far in college and still sane. How did I get here and survive.

I saw life being sucked out of a living body. I saw what was like to see life and then death in a human being. I felt the attempts of my mind to explain what I was seeing and feeling.

During this time I feel vulnerable. I usually get depressed or something. But I don't feel depressed. I feel vulnerable. Like a small animal. The only thing they can rely on is their mother. Not even themselves. I feel like that. I wish didn't. I hate appearing weak and small.

It is amazing to me how I can see people's true colors through tragedy...how well people deal with it. How they try or try not to relate with you. Sometimes it is perplexing.

I do not like Halloween in college. People become selfish with the holiday. You have to be doing something. You can't just be sitting around watching a scary movie. You have to go out and do something. There is always a party. A party full of people. Mainly drunk people.

As the days get closer to Halloween...I am drifting a little bit away from people. In therapy they advise you to plan something on the day that you lost a loved one or something tragic happened on that day. If it is planned out in a flexible type plan, it limits freaking out or feeling lonely.

I planned a dinner. A dinner to celebrate how far I come. That I am sane. That grief has no hold on me in everyday life now. I'm starting to lose interesting in this dinner. I am angry. I'm sick of hearing people that they are going to be there...that if I don't want to go out the weekend of halloween...they will stay behind with me. For some I don't think its true and for others I do. I wish I could better explain myself but I cannot. If I could explain myself with no problem...I wouldn't be writing this.

5 years since I saw my mom. Since then I still feel like a bird in it's cage and the door is open but I still cannot fly out of it. Will I ever be able to? Or I'm going to keep looking out waiting for something or somebody to change me? I don't know. But I do know the only time I really think about this is around Halloween.

fall

Fall

but there is another one right after that can be better

Today is the last day of September...and its only 1am.
I'm writing for myself, well for my heart. This past week was very overwhelming and I really just wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it isn't too bad. You made it to the finish line and with success...
I got overwhelmed and I noticed myself lingering for comfort and for touch. I wanted that time where I can simply just relax with someone to the point that we are asleep. Doing nothing for nothing. Then today I realized that October is breast cancer awareness month. And my heart sank a little. I became so needy this past week and I understood why but not fully, not until I realized what October was.

I love to watch Parenthood. This roughly new show that just tugs at my heart and then makes me laugh.   Sort of like family. Well one of the characters gets breast cancer. I'm not sure if I can watch it this month. Maybe next month.

There are times in the year that I want to just scream and be held...letting all troubles and worries go into a scream and then feeling a touch sooth my soul feels right. Other times I want to step back and look at my life and see all the wonderful people in it. The wonderful things that I was able to do and I'm doing. I want to touch all the abstract things and ideas that are forming. I wish life was more fluid and smooth...but it is not. And because it is not..we have to deal with that.

We have to deal with things like sexuality, impurity, loneliness, dishonesty, overload, being here when you want to be there, God, religion, words that sting, eyes that kill, and the list goes. We have to deal with those things. I'm thankful for some of things...because life would be something different than it is now and I do not think any of us can fathom that. Those things are there and we have to face them.

This past week I missed my mom. I really wanted to just complain and talk to her and hear me complain. I know she would let me do that. As the familiar tears gently come down...it makes me jealous of almost every girl that has a mom. I cannot imagine what my relationship would look like now with my mom because so much as changed in the past 5 years. But that is fine. I don't need to know. It would only make it harder. I know got irritated with my mom...though I do know I will never get that friendship from her. I wasn't mature enough for it. I was only 16. So I push away my wants because they are unrealistic and will only hurt me more.

I just know that I need to keep my head up when life is shit. I need to know that being vulnerable and able to connect is important. There are weeks and more weeks to come...to make it better than before. And love and comfort comes in all its various forms.

This month might be shit but there is another one right after that can be better.

I've been noticing my blogs are getting shorter or rather to the point. Not completely sure what that means. But I don't mind, I like it.

try. sunset. xx

I have been thinking about a subject lately that I don't think I can define quite well. It deals with two hearts and two minds. It deals with missing the chance to be something or to be somebody with somebody. It's that idea or concept that seems to be at your grasp though it slips right through your fingers. Sometimes its tragic and toxic. I've been getting good at that. Not because I entirely want it to be but because it falls into my hands like a challenge.

I'm obsessed with a band. A band that speaks more truth and reason then most bands today. They not only write their own lyrics but when they sing them...it is as if their soul was imprinted on every word they let loose from their lips. Drugs, dancing, lies, and etc don't seem to be interweaved with their lyrics either. Which isn't so appealing to our culture of music. Though the bass line mixed with the sublet guitar playing as a rhythm of life or once was life is inexhaustible.

The band The Xx...sweeps me off my feet. Recently, I got rejected after something that seemed to me real. It wasn't a fabrication of my mind because the evidence was there. I felt deceived and led on to something that I didn't know someone was capable of. I'll hide this post from him so that I can be honest.

I haven't had a lot of chances to be rejected. I have been the one who was rejecting. I have broken hearts. I have made someone cry. Because I thought I was invincible. I thought my heart was untouchable. I thought that I could get whatever I wanted. This pattern of actions and thoughts encouraged me to be vulnerable with others. It gave me this risk factor that dug deep in my way of approaching anything.

After what happened...my third rejection out of the multitude of me rejecting...a calus grew to protect me. It grew fast and started to seep into the insides of my heart. My housemates have been incredible. They placed this wall around me. A removable wall but a wall to enclose my vulnerability, to recover.

I was reading my psych homework and I came across a definition of courage from the psychologist Alder. It is taking a risk and not knowing the end product and also taking a risk even thought the product could be hurtful. I took a risk with every guy I had something with. I took a risk to be vulnerable in various ways. When I read that...I decided that I could remove some of that calus. I could be me again but made anew. I could look at the ones who feel rejection more often and have empathy. I could put myself in that spot because now I have been in that spot more than once. I am not invincible but I am courageous.

I can listen to the song Sunset by The Xx and relate in certain ways. I could listen to the song Try by The Xx and say that I have been there. All of our break ups, rejections, and heart aches are different. They will be eternally different. But similarities will only run deep.