I had the privilege of having a great weekend. Sometimes they are hard to find. Those weekends when almost every moment is fantastic.
I looked into my friends' eyes this weekend. I saw something in them. Something so great. I wanted to take that look in their eyes and hold onto it forever. I watched the old Parent Trap the other night. There is this part when Susan, who is pretending to be Sharon, smells her grandpa for the first time. He asks her what she is up to and she says "Making a memory."
Making those good memories for when life kind of sucks or when you forget how good it was. So as I watched my friends play in the lake...king of the hill that is. And I watched them as the sun was slowing down...I didn't want anything else. My body hurt from swimming so long. My face was tight from the lake water and the sun mixture. My body cold from the breeze and my wet bathing suit still on me. I watched them play and laugh and joke and be them. I saw some of their flaws and I saw their qualities. I saw the love they had for each other. I saw the ones who didn't know each other that well make an effort. I saw life happen before my eyes.
They made me feel alright. Like how I knew I made the right decision in coming early to Michigan. I've been a bit overwhelm lately with school starting. I just want to hold on to what I have now. I don't want to let go. I don't want them to leave or go home. I want them to be by me. I mean I got to know them and now its over?? I started life with them and now it seems like it is coming to an end.
It makes me think of that saying...some people are in your life for a season and a reason but some are there for a lifetime. I don't want these friends to be here just for a season. I will be as selfish as possible because this is something I want. But this idea of them going their separate ways, makes me want to pull away. Or to distance myself and attach onto new people. Because then if I do...the pain will be less.
Tuesday is my first day of Senior year, aka my last year. I will start that week with habits that will continue for the rest of that year and maybe the rest of my life. My conversations need to be more intentional and even though I tend to cling to being an introvert...I might have jump out of the boat. Stop turning things down because of what is comfortable. Even after Spain I still have problems with that.
The home that I made here is going to be one that will never forget even if I do try. As I searched for love and comfort these past years here, I didn't know that I would actually find it. I found it different ways too and different people that I didn't expect to have it. I see my heart yearning for more but being reluctant as time goes on.
So this past weekend was something. Something I won't forget. This year I will try to grab a hold of more of those weekends.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
...that day special and worth living for.
"If I believe in nothing, nothing is going to get me. Saw it all once and it felt like everything."
These lyrics from Deptford Goth really make my mind think and search inside me if I once felt this too. The fact of it is, I have felt this before. If I don't believe in people, the world, life, or God...nothing is going to get me. I have believed in people, the world, life, or God and it all got to me...I felt everything all at once.
If you believe in anything, you are bound to get hurt. Your heart is bound to feel something. And when it does...it either sucks or is amazing. I used to have a lot of expectations in people. I put a lot of work into friendships. Too much work I think. It was killing me. I was let down and crushed by people's natural imperfections.
The world that I saw through my child like eyes weren't adequate for college life. They were brought to a place that I think most people have to enter before taking on the world. The world has so much beauty in it; the colors, the shapes, the movement, and the noises. Though the world has flaws or natural imperfections too.
I believed in life once before this past year. I'm not totally sure when it was but I did. Because the fact is I saw death at 16. In my home...
I think I believed in life when I didn't have a sense of analyzing yet. When my mind was still immature; not too deep and radical. When my mind only thought about a handful of things and when something entered my life that was strange or complicated...I reasoned with just not having to think about it because it didn't bother me at that age. When I started believing in life again...I was in Spain. I saw the beauty of simple living and the bonds of a nation. I met someone who made me feel so good. So naturally I believed in life again.
God. I don't know when I started believing in God and I really don't want to know. Because it doesn't make a difference to anything. I remember hating church because it was boring and strange. The rhythms of church seemed to only suit my parents or those kids that just seem to fear anything bad and needed something to cling on to. When my mom did die though...I knew I had to hold on to something and if I held onto people...they might die. Although my human tendencies needed the human touch so I also dove myself into friendships, way too much.
God is this concept, idea, faith, person, being, theological debate, misunderstanding, people...life...the world...
He haunts my thoughts and plays with my emotions. He understands. I don't see him has this old man sitting on a chair with a crown on his head. I see him so much more. I see him powerful like the mountains, fierce as the hiss of a tiger. I see his qualities in the things he has made.
Did I stop believing in God? No. I just stopped wanting to believe in Him for awhile. I stopped believing in the people that went to His churches. I couldn't take them anymore. I didn't want to. I was tired of the judging. The picking on at races, the ones who drink or smoke, the ones who use government health care, the ones who dress differently, the ones who are the "church going people". Just plan tired....
I didn't really want to talk about God.
I've been growing and I have just become a bit more silent in my thoughts. I bit more softer. A bit more conscious of what I want to say. I wanted to grow up more and be responsible with my decisions and with my decisions they take time. I needed time and I need time. I need to just see the world as it is and not what I have been told it is.
I do believe we all need to believe in something because then what are we living for? If we just believe in ourselves then we are just pursuing life for ourselves. I want to believe that I can believe in something beyond me. Because I have learned that doing it my way only gets me so far. And if this includes pain and some suffering I think I can deal with it. When I reflect from my day...I can find more than one thing that made that day special and worth living for.
These lyrics from Deptford Goth really make my mind think and search inside me if I once felt this too. The fact of it is, I have felt this before. If I don't believe in people, the world, life, or God...nothing is going to get me. I have believed in people, the world, life, or God and it all got to me...I felt everything all at once.
If you believe in anything, you are bound to get hurt. Your heart is bound to feel something. And when it does...it either sucks or is amazing. I used to have a lot of expectations in people. I put a lot of work into friendships. Too much work I think. It was killing me. I was let down and crushed by people's natural imperfections.
The world that I saw through my child like eyes weren't adequate for college life. They were brought to a place that I think most people have to enter before taking on the world. The world has so much beauty in it; the colors, the shapes, the movement, and the noises. Though the world has flaws or natural imperfections too.
I believed in life once before this past year. I'm not totally sure when it was but I did. Because the fact is I saw death at 16. In my home...
I think I believed in life when I didn't have a sense of analyzing yet. When my mind was still immature; not too deep and radical. When my mind only thought about a handful of things and when something entered my life that was strange or complicated...I reasoned with just not having to think about it because it didn't bother me at that age. When I started believing in life again...I was in Spain. I saw the beauty of simple living and the bonds of a nation. I met someone who made me feel so good. So naturally I believed in life again.
God. I don't know when I started believing in God and I really don't want to know. Because it doesn't make a difference to anything. I remember hating church because it was boring and strange. The rhythms of church seemed to only suit my parents or those kids that just seem to fear anything bad and needed something to cling on to. When my mom did die though...I knew I had to hold on to something and if I held onto people...they might die. Although my human tendencies needed the human touch so I also dove myself into friendships, way too much.
God is this concept, idea, faith, person, being, theological debate, misunderstanding, people...life...the world...
He haunts my thoughts and plays with my emotions. He understands. I don't see him has this old man sitting on a chair with a crown on his head. I see him so much more. I see him powerful like the mountains, fierce as the hiss of a tiger. I see his qualities in the things he has made.
Did I stop believing in God? No. I just stopped wanting to believe in Him for awhile. I stopped believing in the people that went to His churches. I couldn't take them anymore. I didn't want to. I was tired of the judging. The picking on at races, the ones who drink or smoke, the ones who use government health care, the ones who dress differently, the ones who are the "church going people". Just plan tired....
I didn't really want to talk about God.
I've been growing and I have just become a bit more silent in my thoughts. I bit more softer. A bit more conscious of what I want to say. I wanted to grow up more and be responsible with my decisions and with my decisions they take time. I needed time and I need time. I need to just see the world as it is and not what I have been told it is.
I do believe we all need to believe in something because then what are we living for? If we just believe in ourselves then we are just pursuing life for ourselves. I want to believe that I can believe in something beyond me. Because I have learned that doing it my way only gets me so far. And if this includes pain and some suffering I think I can deal with it. When I reflect from my day...I can find more than one thing that made that day special and worth living for.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
JeriLynn De Young
I'm impatience about a lot of things. Though one of them is when I get a good idea for a blog. I cannot wait to get out. I was going to do this one on wednesday. Although I have the time now and I probably won't this coming week.
I would just like to take a moment and remember my mom. Her birthday is Wednesday. I believe she would be 54.
I remember when I was really depressed and I would wake up sad almost every day. Or how my freshman year I would take a shower...I really long shower. Because there I was alone and I could cry alone. That year I cannot express how much pain I was in. Everyday seemed like a battle with my mind. Every morning felt like a let down. Somewhere I grew out of it. I pulled through. And now I am experiencing life as it should be.
Today it is hard for me to know what it would be like if my mom was alive. There are so many things that would of not happened if she was around. For an example, I am so much closer to my dad. The things that I think he would ask my mom or things they might of talked about...is what I get to talk about with my dad. I see him differently now than I did when I was little. I see him stronger, alive, and changed.
I miss my mom more than words could say. I miss her more than her friends do and I know I can say that. I miss her in a different way than my brothers or my dad do. My mom spoiled me for being the youngest and the only girl. I knew that when I did wrong in her eyes...it destroyed her. And I only know that now. I cannot understand how she pulled through for so long. She lost her son in a hit and run when he was four. She was diagnosed with cancer in the early ages of 30. She battled it for 13 years and proceeded to be a wife and a mom to 4 kids. And at some point she knew she was going to die before anybody else did. So of course if I did something wrong that was pretty significant...it would feel like an unbearable weight to her...because she knew that she couldn't be there guiding me later on.
Almost every single night there was dessert after dinner besides ice cream or popcorn. My mom baked us something that would last for bit. I would come home from school sometimes and there would be clothes laid on bed or something pretty. She would be at all my home games and sometimes my away games for soccer and volleyball. I remember when she was dying and it was one my volleyball games. She came. She came in a wheelchair. She needed to be resting I am sure but she was there. And it meant the world to me. I was put in entire game.
When I would watched tv at night...I would sit right by her most of the time. And naturally she would grab my arm and pet it. Sometimes it was really annoying and other times it was what I needed.
My house in California has her name all over it. My dad has tried to get rid of some things and make it different but really its impossible. She could of gone into business for decorating because she was that good. So when I come home here...its a lot harder for me. Most people don't get it. There are still a lot of after math from my mom's death. And there always will be. Because death is like an atomic bomb. The radius of what gets damaged is huge.
Here is a list of what will be hard or is hard in my life because of my mom's death:
College...I never get to call home or skype my mom. I never get packages from her...she sent Brandon and Blake some and I will never get those.
My graduation...she won't be there.
My wedding. wedding planning...getting ready for my wedding...
My life story always starts with her cancer and death.
Mother's day for me is stained.
Halloween is beyond morbid...haha kinda funny. ok maybe not really haha
For parent advice I only get the guy side.
I have had to figure out this woman hood thing by myself.
The list goes on really.
Here is a list of what I have had the chance to be without my mom:
I have become independent
I have had the guts to spend 4 months in Spain
I moved from California to Michigan for school
I discovered me and who I am at the age of 21.
I have been forced to learn how to cook on my own.
I have heard so many stories of pain and suffering. I have been able to be a shoulder to cry on. I have been able to give empathy to many. I have been forced to look onto the world and see humans as they are. I have felt a pain so raw and intense that when some one else feelings it too...I get to have an automatic connection with them.
Now I will never dwell on the fact that my mom isn't here, anymore. Because though this was tragic and it should never happen...I became who I am because of it. I met so many wonderful people because of it. I saw death and then I saw what life really was. I became me.
I will always miss my mom. In fact I think about her at least once every single day. And you can hold me to that. There is not a day that goes by that the only thing I want out of that day is to hug her and smell her. I don't even care if she talks. The fact that I get to touch her body is enough for me. I will never be the same again. Nor do I ever want to be. My mom died at one of the worst ages a mom could die...16 years old. But I have survived.
love you so much mom.
I would just like to take a moment and remember my mom. Her birthday is Wednesday. I believe she would be 54.
I remember when I was really depressed and I would wake up sad almost every day. Or how my freshman year I would take a shower...I really long shower. Because there I was alone and I could cry alone. That year I cannot express how much pain I was in. Everyday seemed like a battle with my mind. Every morning felt like a let down. Somewhere I grew out of it. I pulled through. And now I am experiencing life as it should be.
Today it is hard for me to know what it would be like if my mom was alive. There are so many things that would of not happened if she was around. For an example, I am so much closer to my dad. The things that I think he would ask my mom or things they might of talked about...is what I get to talk about with my dad. I see him differently now than I did when I was little. I see him stronger, alive, and changed.
I miss my mom more than words could say. I miss her more than her friends do and I know I can say that. I miss her in a different way than my brothers or my dad do. My mom spoiled me for being the youngest and the only girl. I knew that when I did wrong in her eyes...it destroyed her. And I only know that now. I cannot understand how she pulled through for so long. She lost her son in a hit and run when he was four. She was diagnosed with cancer in the early ages of 30. She battled it for 13 years and proceeded to be a wife and a mom to 4 kids. And at some point she knew she was going to die before anybody else did. So of course if I did something wrong that was pretty significant...it would feel like an unbearable weight to her...because she knew that she couldn't be there guiding me later on.
Almost every single night there was dessert after dinner besides ice cream or popcorn. My mom baked us something that would last for bit. I would come home from school sometimes and there would be clothes laid on bed or something pretty. She would be at all my home games and sometimes my away games for soccer and volleyball. I remember when she was dying and it was one my volleyball games. She came. She came in a wheelchair. She needed to be resting I am sure but she was there. And it meant the world to me. I was put in entire game.
When I would watched tv at night...I would sit right by her most of the time. And naturally she would grab my arm and pet it. Sometimes it was really annoying and other times it was what I needed.
My house in California has her name all over it. My dad has tried to get rid of some things and make it different but really its impossible. She could of gone into business for decorating because she was that good. So when I come home here...its a lot harder for me. Most people don't get it. There are still a lot of after math from my mom's death. And there always will be. Because death is like an atomic bomb. The radius of what gets damaged is huge.
Here is a list of what will be hard or is hard in my life because of my mom's death:
College...I never get to call home or skype my mom. I never get packages from her...she sent Brandon and Blake some and I will never get those.
My graduation...she won't be there.
My wedding. wedding planning...getting ready for my wedding...
My life story always starts with her cancer and death.
Mother's day for me is stained.
Halloween is beyond morbid...haha kinda funny. ok maybe not really haha
For parent advice I only get the guy side.
I have had to figure out this woman hood thing by myself.
The list goes on really.
Here is a list of what I have had the chance to be without my mom:
I have become independent
I have had the guts to spend 4 months in Spain
I moved from California to Michigan for school
I discovered me and who I am at the age of 21.
I have been forced to learn how to cook on my own.
I have heard so many stories of pain and suffering. I have been able to be a shoulder to cry on. I have been able to give empathy to many. I have been forced to look onto the world and see humans as they are. I have felt a pain so raw and intense that when some one else feelings it too...I get to have an automatic connection with them.
Now I will never dwell on the fact that my mom isn't here, anymore. Because though this was tragic and it should never happen...I became who I am because of it. I met so many wonderful people because of it. I saw death and then I saw what life really was. I became me.
I will always miss my mom. In fact I think about her at least once every single day. And you can hold me to that. There is not a day that goes by that the only thing I want out of that day is to hug her and smell her. I don't even care if she talks. The fact that I get to touch her body is enough for me. I will never be the same again. Nor do I ever want to be. My mom died at one of the worst ages a mom could die...16 years old. But I have survived.
love you so much mom.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Because I know I will miss this vacation
Today. It is officially July 28th. In thirteen days I will be picking up one of my best friends from the airport. Less than two weeks. In three weeks I will be in Chicago and then in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Now a time of classic reflection from the summer. June was fast and I really don't remember it. It was a month of readjusting. Readjusting to Escondido, my Dad and his new life, my friends here, being alone most of the time, and just a different pace of life. July was a bit rough, not going to lie. Plain rough. And now that I am approaching August...I couldn't be more excited.
These last few weeks of California will be entirely up to me. It's my Mom's birthday this month. I still haven't been to her grave. I'm not sure if I want to. I have to get my house ready for my friends who are visiting me and also get everything we need for camping. I will need to soak up San Diego.
This summer wasn't what I was expecting. I didn't have high hopes or low hopes but it turned into something I wasn't anticipating at all. What life brought me this summer has pushed me a little further in life. Sometimes I lose hope in the human race. With the people that are directly in life or pass me by. I don't have this automatic hope in people or this trust that they are always going to be by my side. I need a constant reminder. I am personal. I am clingy. I am solid. I am forgetful. I am me.
I love love love consistency. I found that out this summer. Consistency in arguments, thoughts, beliefs, ways of life, communication, etc. When something doesn't follow a consistent pattern, I am truly bothered by it.
I would rather be alone then be with people that are just breaking the surface in our friendship. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it tires me out...relationships. When it is effortless or almost effortless...I am all for it. I will spend all my days with you. If you can't handle the agony that naturally enters my life, then I can't do it. This summer my dad got a girlfriend. My brother britt started showing his face again. These two sentences might seem so simple but what they bring in my life is complex and situations that aren't easy. Though this has been my life for a long time. Its way too normal to me now. To the point that dealing with it seems as difficult as finding a job.
So this summer...I have been alone. I have been so alone. Sometimes I am lonely and other times I enjoy it. I used to fear loneliness. I used to dread it. Now I don't fear it. I don't even noticed I am alone. For that fact I am nervous about being with people so much again. Because I am starting to need it a lot more than I thought I did.
With saying that. I'm not sure how reachable I will be to anyone that doesn't live in my town. Last three weeks of California. How do I approach you? How...because I know I will miss this vacation.
Now a time of classic reflection from the summer. June was fast and I really don't remember it. It was a month of readjusting. Readjusting to Escondido, my Dad and his new life, my friends here, being alone most of the time, and just a different pace of life. July was a bit rough, not going to lie. Plain rough. And now that I am approaching August...I couldn't be more excited.
These last few weeks of California will be entirely up to me. It's my Mom's birthday this month. I still haven't been to her grave. I'm not sure if I want to. I have to get my house ready for my friends who are visiting me and also get everything we need for camping. I will need to soak up San Diego.
This summer wasn't what I was expecting. I didn't have high hopes or low hopes but it turned into something I wasn't anticipating at all. What life brought me this summer has pushed me a little further in life. Sometimes I lose hope in the human race. With the people that are directly in life or pass me by. I don't have this automatic hope in people or this trust that they are always going to be by my side. I need a constant reminder. I am personal. I am clingy. I am solid. I am forgetful. I am me.
I love love love consistency. I found that out this summer. Consistency in arguments, thoughts, beliefs, ways of life, communication, etc. When something doesn't follow a consistent pattern, I am truly bothered by it.
I would rather be alone then be with people that are just breaking the surface in our friendship. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it tires me out...relationships. When it is effortless or almost effortless...I am all for it. I will spend all my days with you. If you can't handle the agony that naturally enters my life, then I can't do it. This summer my dad got a girlfriend. My brother britt started showing his face again. These two sentences might seem so simple but what they bring in my life is complex and situations that aren't easy. Though this has been my life for a long time. Its way too normal to me now. To the point that dealing with it seems as difficult as finding a job.
So this summer...I have been alone. I have been so alone. Sometimes I am lonely and other times I enjoy it. I used to fear loneliness. I used to dread it. Now I don't fear it. I don't even noticed I am alone. For that fact I am nervous about being with people so much again. Because I am starting to need it a lot more than I thought I did.
With saying that. I'm not sure how reachable I will be to anyone that doesn't live in my town. Last three weeks of California. How do I approach you? How...because I know I will miss this vacation.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you
home. home. home.
Where is it and how do we find it? I only know my answer to the question. Home is where my heart leaps. Home is where I would do anything for that person. Home is where I can voice my opinion and not be shut down. I have been having a lot of debates with my dad lately. Debates about the colorado shooter, about the role of woman in Christianity, and the list goes on from there. I never feel scared to voice my opinion. Every time it seems to be slightly different than my dad's. And you know what? I'm ok with that.
This summer I began to be closer to people that are miles upon miles away from me. I also began to get closer to people that are 5 minutes away to right down the hall. Things in life seem to go a certain way and the pattern is unknown. Right now my life is turning. A different turn than I thought it was going to take. I am stepping in and dealing with it. well as much as I can. Though after this year is up, I will be deciding my future.
I watch and listen to my friends deciding as well. I learn through them...I try my best to also be there for them. Decisions are the worse. They really are. You are either decided between something bad and good, good and good, or bad and bad. If I decide to stay in Michigan...I leave behind so many things and people. Though which state is better for me right now. What is good for me right now?
I found a new family last school year. And that is something I never want to let go of. I never want it to slip between my fingers. I fear now that it has potential to. Not because love isn't there. It's not even close to that. It is life. It is the decisions and choices in life that will affect it. It is the unnatural events in life.
For three 1/2 years after my mom passed away I was depressed. It never got better. It got insanely worse before it got better. It tore my heart up and chewed on it for 3 1/2 years. The devil got me thinking things that weren't true or right. I saw people differently than I do now. I'm not sure what brought me out of that depression but I know when my heart and mind where isync...a close knit family appeared before my eyes.
My home will never be a house or a "home". My home will never be a smell or a taste. My home is that living body sitting next to me, on my computer screen, in the speakers of my phone, and in my thoughts. That is my home. Because I cannot survive with just four walls, windows, and a door...I need bodies. Warm bodies. The ones who hold your hand...break your walls...kiss you goodnight...and tell you that they love you.
My family is spread apart. My Dad in Escondido. Britton in San Diego. Brandon and Allison in Oakland. Blake, Brooke, and Alaina in Illinois. Where is my home? Where do I choose to plant my roots for a bit. I have no idea and I don't want to think about it until I have to.
Anyways, think of your home. Hug it with your mind. Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you. Because there are people out there that don't even have one home.
Where is it and how do we find it? I only know my answer to the question. Home is where my heart leaps. Home is where I would do anything for that person. Home is where I can voice my opinion and not be shut down. I have been having a lot of debates with my dad lately. Debates about the colorado shooter, about the role of woman in Christianity, and the list goes on from there. I never feel scared to voice my opinion. Every time it seems to be slightly different than my dad's. And you know what? I'm ok with that.
This summer I began to be closer to people that are miles upon miles away from me. I also began to get closer to people that are 5 minutes away to right down the hall. Things in life seem to go a certain way and the pattern is unknown. Right now my life is turning. A different turn than I thought it was going to take. I am stepping in and dealing with it. well as much as I can. Though after this year is up, I will be deciding my future.
I watch and listen to my friends deciding as well. I learn through them...I try my best to also be there for them. Decisions are the worse. They really are. You are either decided between something bad and good, good and good, or bad and bad. If I decide to stay in Michigan...I leave behind so many things and people. Though which state is better for me right now. What is good for me right now?
I found a new family last school year. And that is something I never want to let go of. I never want it to slip between my fingers. I fear now that it has potential to. Not because love isn't there. It's not even close to that. It is life. It is the decisions and choices in life that will affect it. It is the unnatural events in life.
For three 1/2 years after my mom passed away I was depressed. It never got better. It got insanely worse before it got better. It tore my heart up and chewed on it for 3 1/2 years. The devil got me thinking things that weren't true or right. I saw people differently than I do now. I'm not sure what brought me out of that depression but I know when my heart and mind where isync...a close knit family appeared before my eyes.
My home will never be a house or a "home". My home will never be a smell or a taste. My home is that living body sitting next to me, on my computer screen, in the speakers of my phone, and in my thoughts. That is my home. Because I cannot survive with just four walls, windows, and a door...I need bodies. Warm bodies. The ones who hold your hand...break your walls...kiss you goodnight...and tell you that they love you.
My family is spread apart. My Dad in Escondido. Britton in San Diego. Brandon and Allison in Oakland. Blake, Brooke, and Alaina in Illinois. Where is my home? Where do I choose to plant my roots for a bit. I have no idea and I don't want to think about it until I have to.
Anyways, think of your home. Hug it with your mind. Promise your home that you will love it just as it has and will love you. Because there are people out there that don't even have one home.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Just little bit, a little bit of joy from the heartache
Its easy. It's easy to love someone far away. It is easy to love someone who is in another country than your own. It is easy to see someone's good side to them when they sit right by you, not saying a word.
I prayed this morning a prayer that I didn't know would be answered so fast. I am dying to grow and to grow more and more. I am dying to know more. I first prayed the prayer of forgiveness. My heart needed it. I needed to feel God sitting there and holding my hand.
I knew once I asked...I wouldn't know what I was asking once it was answered. I know I am smart and I know I am mature than most. I know that I am quiet and calm at certain moments. Though I know when asked...I will say whatever I need to.
So I prayed. I prayed for God to mature me more. I prayed for him to give me more knowledge. I take these leaps sometimes and when I get to the other side, I regret ever taking that leap. The hills are smoother and higher. The valleys are too comfortable.
Tonight I saw my past. I saw someone that will always have my heart and continues to cause pain to it. Sometimes I hate my major and what it brings me. Sometimes I hate that my best friends are social workers because I became this well rounded person who is knowledgable in soft science. I hate it because I see what I learn right in front of my face. It touches home...it is home. It pulls at my heart. And at that moment I want to break.
Life never gets easy. It never ceases to show you things that are breakable. It will pour and pour love into your heart. Joys will burst everywhere. And then it will give you heartache. Whenever I know one of my friends will experience pain of some sort. I want to help. I want to not put a band aid on it but grab them close...others I have to do other things. But I want to know for that moment in time their heart swells with joy. Because even if it is for a second...it is still joy.
So what do you do? Nothing but just power through and hope that someone or something will bring you joy along the way. just a little bit.
I prayed this morning a prayer that I didn't know would be answered so fast. I am dying to grow and to grow more and more. I am dying to know more. I first prayed the prayer of forgiveness. My heart needed it. I needed to feel God sitting there and holding my hand.
I knew once I asked...I wouldn't know what I was asking once it was answered. I know I am smart and I know I am mature than most. I know that I am quiet and calm at certain moments. Though I know when asked...I will say whatever I need to.
So I prayed. I prayed for God to mature me more. I prayed for him to give me more knowledge. I take these leaps sometimes and when I get to the other side, I regret ever taking that leap. The hills are smoother and higher. The valleys are too comfortable.
Tonight I saw my past. I saw someone that will always have my heart and continues to cause pain to it. Sometimes I hate my major and what it brings me. Sometimes I hate that my best friends are social workers because I became this well rounded person who is knowledgable in soft science. I hate it because I see what I learn right in front of my face. It touches home...it is home. It pulls at my heart. And at that moment I want to break.
Life never gets easy. It never ceases to show you things that are breakable. It will pour and pour love into your heart. Joys will burst everywhere. And then it will give you heartache. Whenever I know one of my friends will experience pain of some sort. I want to help. I want to not put a band aid on it but grab them close...others I have to do other things. But I want to know for that moment in time their heart swells with joy. Because even if it is for a second...it is still joy.
So what do you do? Nothing but just power through and hope that someone or something will bring you joy along the way. just a little bit.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
cannot help but talk about life
As the day arches over the moon and the green in the plants seems to fade, you wonder...is this where I want to be? Are these the kind of people I want to be around? Should I invest my soul into this life that I seem to be living?
Whenever I get on the phone with Marie Koster, we cannot help but talk about life. We start with are conflicts at the time or our joys in life. Although, the conversation changes into talking about life. Talking about how people react to certain situations. How we want to live. How we think we ought to live.
From these conversations I have grown. I rarely have friends that are my same age. Actually I can count on my hand how many I have. I seem to get attracted to people that are older than me like the moth to the light at night. I cannot help it. Maybe it is because I have been through a lot, I am not sure...or maybe because I was so used to being around my brothers or being the oldest to Britton.
I know though from these kinds of conversations I have certainly looked at life a lot differently. How? I have a lot of future scary things that a few people are blessed with. When I graduate from college this spring my mom won't be there. Actually, my Dad's girlfriend most likely will be. When I get married and if I do, my mom won't be there to give me wedding advice or to be walked down the aisle by my fiance. When I give birth to my first child, and if do want kids, my mom won't be there to give me advice that mother does. She won't be there to babysit or to get the pinkest set of clothes the store has. Even though I couldn't stand pink when I was little. This is my life. These are things that will never leave.
But...
They aren't here yet and some are so far away. I will never overwhelm myself with these thoughts. I won't let it happen. They aren't an issue right now nor should they be. I shall face them when I they present themselves.
[[I tend to make promises and ones that I can keep. I think promises are good, well once you can clearly keep one to a certain extent. I made three promises to my mom when she was dying. I won't share them on here. If you know me then ask me. So far I have fulfilled one of them. The last one has given me a lot guilt when I can feel that I am about to break it. This isn't a promise I can't keep. I very much can. Though the three promises give me this sense that my mom is there.]]
This is life. It can either fulfill your heart if you believe in certain things or take certain paths or it tear you down. It can destroy your love to live. Life will bring all the hard questions and give you the hard answers. It will strip your soul to the bear bone. It will also bring things that excite your inner most being. It will lift you up.
We all have this image of God and who is. Some things are distorted and others are right on the money. I felt God grab hold of my heart and squeeze it. I have cursed him. I have cried to him. I have felt almost ever emotion there is towards him. He has brought me life.
Whenever I get on the phone with Marie Koster, we cannot help but talk about life. We start with are conflicts at the time or our joys in life. Although, the conversation changes into talking about life. Talking about how people react to certain situations. How we want to live. How we think we ought to live.
From these conversations I have grown. I rarely have friends that are my same age. Actually I can count on my hand how many I have. I seem to get attracted to people that are older than me like the moth to the light at night. I cannot help it. Maybe it is because I have been through a lot, I am not sure...or maybe because I was so used to being around my brothers or being the oldest to Britton.
I know though from these kinds of conversations I have certainly looked at life a lot differently. How? I have a lot of future scary things that a few people are blessed with. When I graduate from college this spring my mom won't be there. Actually, my Dad's girlfriend most likely will be. When I get married and if I do, my mom won't be there to give me wedding advice or to be walked down the aisle by my fiance. When I give birth to my first child, and if do want kids, my mom won't be there to give me advice that mother does. She won't be there to babysit or to get the pinkest set of clothes the store has. Even though I couldn't stand pink when I was little. This is my life. These are things that will never leave.
But...
They aren't here yet and some are so far away. I will never overwhelm myself with these thoughts. I won't let it happen. They aren't an issue right now nor should they be. I shall face them when I they present themselves.
[[I tend to make promises and ones that I can keep. I think promises are good, well once you can clearly keep one to a certain extent. I made three promises to my mom when she was dying. I won't share them on here. If you know me then ask me. So far I have fulfilled one of them. The last one has given me a lot guilt when I can feel that I am about to break it. This isn't a promise I can't keep. I very much can. Though the three promises give me this sense that my mom is there.]]
This is life. It can either fulfill your heart if you believe in certain things or take certain paths or it tear you down. It can destroy your love to live. Life will bring all the hard questions and give you the hard answers. It will strip your soul to the bear bone. It will also bring things that excite your inner most being. It will lift you up.
We all have this image of God and who is. Some things are distorted and others are right on the money. I felt God grab hold of my heart and squeeze it. I have cursed him. I have cried to him. I have felt almost ever emotion there is towards him. He has brought me life.
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