How is God teaching me...wait me?!?!?!

Last night I performed a spoken word that was on sex and love. I had an amazing time doing it even though my nerves where sometimes getting the best of me. As I was approaching the time to leave, people would stop me and just tell me how great I did. To be honest I hate glorifying myself. I love love to be heard and listen to but the part when people congratulate me, is when I start dreading. I just get uncomfortable. I really didn't understand why I did until the drive home. The words I used in my spoken word and the way I perform it was from God. I look at myself and I think "how the heck could I have done that? How did I do that?"
The past few days have been rough. I seem to hit a spell of depression that is related to numerous things, well two things. My mom being gone really effects things...her being gone is like a cancer in my life. Cancer doesn't just affect one organ and that is it, it affects everything. It is going to be 3 yrs in October and I am still thinking that mourning is going to be over. Last night after the sermon and after I spoke they played a video about the man who wrote How He Loves Us, the song David Crowder sings. This man wrote about his struggle and anger towards God...then about how much God really loves us. His struggle was his close friend dying. There was a section in the video that he was looking at old songs he wrote around the time his friend died, he started crying with passion. His friend died 7 yrs ago...
I'm not accepting the fact that my mourning and grief will be with me till the day I die and the grief will always be intense, not often but still intense.
With all this inside me I realized other factors in my life that needed work done. I have the hardest time trusting people. I do not think trust is black and white. You can fully trust someone or you can trust someone with small stuff and not the huge things. Having a lot of tragic in my life, I have realized that if you just put out your story on people, they stop asking for more. It isn't often when you come across someone whose mom died and is in the same area as grief as you are. For the people who haven't been through this, its easy for them to hear a bit and be satisfied that you are telling them the whole bundle of crap in your life. If you really knew me, you would know that I have talent to manipulate people. In having that skill it has also allowed me to really put this mask over my true self. When something is really wrong I can hide it like having candy the day after Halloween. In reality I want people to know...so without giving in, I leave a trail of bread crumbs for people to sniff out and I wait for the bold to ask me a question about how I am doing. Or I do a complete opposite and make a diversion. I'll be mean to them which leads them to being pushed away and then I don't have to worry about opening up anytime soon. Oh boy but how God built this eternal foundation of morality in us. The chunk of me that has goodness built in me, speaks up and I ask for forgiveness.

God has been placing huge ideas, thoughts, lessons, and love on my heart in the pass weeks. I know now that he is preparing me for something grand. Maybe its my missions trip next week or maybe its something bigger than I will ever conceive. How is God teaching you? Have you ever just sat down and thought about that??? It really helps when you are going through something rough.

direction of my calling and not look back

I haven't blogged in a long time and I just thought it would be a good idea to just write a little. The past two months since I have written have been insane. So much has gone on that I think God has planned a life for me of chaos. Nothing is still until I become still in God. My family is having the usually problems it faces and some others. Friends are here and then go. I never thought it would be like that. I never thought they would change so much that we can't even see each other. I'm I that much different? It amazes me how people say change isn't alive but dead as George Washington. I have seen change in so many people's personalities that it scares me about myself.
The things that I get involved in have changed too. I used to get involved with insane parties but not I am going to Mexico for two weeks on a missions trip. I did a spoken word in front of 200 something people. Some times I just don't get it. I do not understand this God who can let tragic happen but then again He blesses us like no other. How am I here living in America where we throw away food because theres too much. How am I here where Hispanics are fighting for their lives to live here. I have started to get Anti-American. Some people here do not get it and others get it right away. My country has freedom of speech which leads to anything to be said. This "freedom" has led us into this twisted world. Our country has so many people who suffer from a mental disorder than these third world countries. We have more serial killers then other countries. We struggle with this concept of freedom. I read this book awhile back, I can't place my finger on what it is called. The author talked about how we need laws to have the right freedom. God gives us laws, the moral law, the golden rule, and some others. Laws are like bones in our body. They are hard and sturdy...they also serve an important function, they keep us moving and in motion. Without the solid bones we would be like silly puddy.
I am thankful for where I live. But too many of us take advantage of where we live. I cannot stand living somewhere where we eat so much processed foods. Our food bill is sky high while some families of four in another country live on $1.25 of groceries for a week. When you watch a tribe in a third world country on TV, count how many over weight people there are. I know I do not have this perfect life, where I am not buy new clothes or expensive food that I do not need. I'm trying not to. There is just so much we can do, but don't do it. God has placed this compassion and passion on my heart for a reason. I'm going to go in the direction of my calling and not look back.

Coffee with mom

though the day marked another day of this, I was still.
Everyday I wake up and think of you
the impression that was left on my life
Everyday I wake up with thoughts I cannot rest
The pictures around my bed comfort
the smell of your perfume transform,
my bed into home.
My clothes lay everywhere
I even become one who sleeps with them
on my bed
Echoing in my head is your soft voice
telling me to clean.
I think you would be impressed
the way I am now
He wants to talk to me tonight
I'm scared and nervous
I want to call you for advice
your rings stay with me
never leaving my hands
I concentrate on them sometimes
loving them
because they were on your hands once
I ran away from God the other day
but he found me so do not worry
Abba, says he sees you everyday
I find comfort in that
The thoughts came back the other day
I was terrified it might happen again
depression sank in and lodged
there was this quote I found...
depression is normal
its a human thing
Last night I had a thought to call you
then I remembered.
I think you would enjoy my new friends.
Amanda is hyper but her heart is pure
Rashelle and you would talk for hours
Christine is unique but you would make her feel at home
Daniela is strong and you would love to listen to her
One of your favorite songs came on the other day
I thought about you
the one day in the car when you pick us up
from school
You talked about the song as if you
knew the artist personally.
I miss days when I wasn't a teenager
and you were still alive
best days yet
I haven't cried in a long time
although every time Grey's
has a woman with cancer...I tear up.
no one notices
I cannot wait for summer
remember when we went swimming
all the time.
I enjoyed that.
my life is calling me back
homework and lunch are at the door
knocking loud
I do not want to be late
but this was good
I enjoyed this.
bye

sorrow, oh boy joy

I have been taught a lot in the past month. I was going through this funk so to speak and just pushing it to the side. God dug it out and really showed me a thing or two.

I am flawed. I am broken and sometimes severely confused. I am made in God's image. I am a part of creation and therefore I am good but sin has corrupted me. Only through the Holy Spirit and my faith can I reach what humanity intended to be.

I will mess up. I will make mistakes. I will learn. I am learning. I have grown so much. I am a completely different person than I was before I left for college. College has changed me into this kinda person that I do not even know. I love it. I am enjoying it. There are times when I want to cry and dwell in my sorrow but in the end of it I come out alive. I don't call the first person I can think of, instead I call upon the Lord of Lords.

When I give, when I cannot give anymore, I help. I show faith and hope. God uses me as catalyst for those who can't see the light.

I used to think that I should stop complaining...that if I stopped complaining, it would stop a lot of my problems. That wasn't even the root of my problems. The roots of my problems dug in deeper than I thought.

When I think I am alone, God shows through.

This is the fight

Some days I feel like escaping everything. Putting myself in solitude from everyone else. My thoughts almost feel penetrated and I cannot escape it. Every word I speak gets twisted around into something far from the truth. No one understands me and it is as if I am made into this bad guy. I suffocate. My breath is shortened and I cannot feel my pulse. My rhythm is lost and I start going down this speeding spiral.

When I gain back my pulse, it is when I pray to God.

Today I feel like that but in a more intense way. Nothing seems real. I feel like I am in this dream like world and the only good thing it is producing is my head ache....telling me that I am still alive. It is the day where I keep fighting for air but I'm not getting it. I'm not sure at all if other people ever get this. Most likely not. Most likely I am the only average person that feels this. My throat is actually getting suffocated.

rest...

rest...

I need rest.

And I find rest in the Lord. I know what I should do. I know the right ways. It's just actually doing it and giving it up to God. Letting go of it all. Letting my mind stop thinking and producing thoughts that are trapping me. I'm not perfect but I am not useless either. This is the fight.

searching for that thing

I do not even now where to begin. I do not know where to start or finish. I'm confused and almost numb. Being away from home is a lot harder then I thought it was going to be. At home I started to have firm friends and a place that I could call my own. I was familiar with everything and didn't need directions to anywhere. I even had a car and did not have to rely on a friend. At college stuff is just now becoming familiar...I still do not have a car. I still need directions once I get 5-10 miles away from Calvin. I am making this my home or at least trying to. I'm squirming....

I have been going to this group for women that have lost their moms in some way. I have only gone twice out of the three times. The first time was hard afterwards and the second time didn't have it's effect on me until now. When I say effect I mean all the negative stuff. I relive all the feelings and then grow some new ones. I fear the years to come and what my mom will miss. This is just the start. I think I am searching again. I'm not sure if it is for more or in a new direction. I am searching in my faith. I have been in this spot of my faith for awhile now and I am starting to get restless. I am wanting. I have noticed whenever I am searching I can see God but I can also see the devil at play, taunting me.

I can't write any more.

face face book book

I'm a plan addict. Facebook has literally taken over my life. Whenever I go on a computer that is one of the first places I go. I go on even if I do not have notifications. why the heck do I do that? Because I'm bored? well maybe so but that boredom can be filled with Jesus time that I do not regularly have anymore. This thought makes me sick to my stomach. I have seen God present in a lot of weird places lately and this thing called lent is giving me another chance. I want to be closer to God so giving up facebook will help me. I used to think lent was an opportunity to feel pain and suffering but it isn't. Half the battle might be painful but the end product is just amazing....

I do not want to be chained by facebook, I want to be chained to God and all His glory. I want to swim in His love. Facebook is not going to be a part of my life for 40 days and truth be....I am so excited to not be bonded to it. I actually feel like I am enslaved by facebook...haha