sorrow, oh boy joy

I have been taught a lot in the past month. I was going through this funk so to speak and just pushing it to the side. God dug it out and really showed me a thing or two.

I am flawed. I am broken and sometimes severely confused. I am made in God's image. I am a part of creation and therefore I am good but sin has corrupted me. Only through the Holy Spirit and my faith can I reach what humanity intended to be.

I will mess up. I will make mistakes. I will learn. I am learning. I have grown so much. I am a completely different person than I was before I left for college. College has changed me into this kinda person that I do not even know. I love it. I am enjoying it. There are times when I want to cry and dwell in my sorrow but in the end of it I come out alive. I don't call the first person I can think of, instead I call upon the Lord of Lords.

When I give, when I cannot give anymore, I help. I show faith and hope. God uses me as catalyst for those who can't see the light.

I used to think that I should stop complaining...that if I stopped complaining, it would stop a lot of my problems. That wasn't even the root of my problems. The roots of my problems dug in deeper than I thought.

When I think I am alone, God shows through.

This is the fight

Some days I feel like escaping everything. Putting myself in solitude from everyone else. My thoughts almost feel penetrated and I cannot escape it. Every word I speak gets twisted around into something far from the truth. No one understands me and it is as if I am made into this bad guy. I suffocate. My breath is shortened and I cannot feel my pulse. My rhythm is lost and I start going down this speeding spiral.

When I gain back my pulse, it is when I pray to God.

Today I feel like that but in a more intense way. Nothing seems real. I feel like I am in this dream like world and the only good thing it is producing is my head ache....telling me that I am still alive. It is the day where I keep fighting for air but I'm not getting it. I'm not sure at all if other people ever get this. Most likely not. Most likely I am the only average person that feels this. My throat is actually getting suffocated.

rest...

rest...

I need rest.

And I find rest in the Lord. I know what I should do. I know the right ways. It's just actually doing it and giving it up to God. Letting go of it all. Letting my mind stop thinking and producing thoughts that are trapping me. I'm not perfect but I am not useless either. This is the fight.

searching for that thing

I do not even now where to begin. I do not know where to start or finish. I'm confused and almost numb. Being away from home is a lot harder then I thought it was going to be. At home I started to have firm friends and a place that I could call my own. I was familiar with everything and didn't need directions to anywhere. I even had a car and did not have to rely on a friend. At college stuff is just now becoming familiar...I still do not have a car. I still need directions once I get 5-10 miles away from Calvin. I am making this my home or at least trying to. I'm squirming....

I have been going to this group for women that have lost their moms in some way. I have only gone twice out of the three times. The first time was hard afterwards and the second time didn't have it's effect on me until now. When I say effect I mean all the negative stuff. I relive all the feelings and then grow some new ones. I fear the years to come and what my mom will miss. This is just the start. I think I am searching again. I'm not sure if it is for more or in a new direction. I am searching in my faith. I have been in this spot of my faith for awhile now and I am starting to get restless. I am wanting. I have noticed whenever I am searching I can see God but I can also see the devil at play, taunting me.

I can't write any more.

face face book book

I'm a plan addict. Facebook has literally taken over my life. Whenever I go on a computer that is one of the first places I go. I go on even if I do not have notifications. why the heck do I do that? Because I'm bored? well maybe so but that boredom can be filled with Jesus time that I do not regularly have anymore. This thought makes me sick to my stomach. I have seen God present in a lot of weird places lately and this thing called lent is giving me another chance. I want to be closer to God so giving up facebook will help me. I used to think lent was an opportunity to feel pain and suffering but it isn't. Half the battle might be painful but the end product is just amazing....

I do not want to be chained by facebook, I want to be chained to God and all His glory. I want to swim in His love. Facebook is not going to be a part of my life for 40 days and truth be....I am so excited to not be bonded to it. I actually feel like I am enslaved by facebook...haha

understanding the WHY questions

As I get older God seems to be more alive than He was when I was younger. There are more chaotic things that I am involved in but they only make my faith stronger. I wonder and ask why my mom had to have cancer and pass away. Then I presume to ask why it had to happen to me. Those questions then come to questions like why did I end up at Calvin College with the people I am with on a daily basis. Why I lost one of my closest friends due to some piled up fights and bad situations. When chaotic questions fill my mind and I am lost at words, God shows me why. I have lost a lot in my life, or so it seems, but I have been a blessing to a lot of lives. I do not want to sound conceited but it's true. My friend recently found some horrible news about her mom and sadly its close to the same story of my mom. I have a gift. I have the gift to give my friend empathy instead of sympathy. I have a gift to understand the pain that not only hurts you emotionally but stabs your heart. I have the chance to be strong for someone who is finding it hard to be strong. I understand what my purpose is at Calvin for the time being. I understand why I lost a friend. God doesn't put screwed up situations in your life just to mess you up on this journey but to make you stronger....sin corrupts but God uses this corruption for good. He creates good. He produces good. He created love. He installs love in us. I am becoming a passionate person. I am learning how to love everyone. I am growing up. Growing out of the silly girl but into this person that God created me to be.

weekend from hell

Week from hell.

45 minutes away from brother's house and I am sitting in the driver's sit of 1988 buick. I see the toll both ahead and come to stop right behind another crappy car. As the car moves on their journey I press on the gas only to find that the car stalled. Ok ok I can do this just turn the car back on and everything will be fine. I reach for the keys as I am telling my friends that the car isn't moving. It turns on! So I press the gas...useless. The car will not go into gear. I am ten feet away from the toll booth when I lady pulls up right beside me and says "You know there is only one lane here." I look at her with a smirk and tell her, well lady my car isn't working. As we struggle in deciding what to do the owner of the car, Amanda, takes wheel, thinking that she can do something about it. Of course nothing works. With our struggling faces on, a man that works in the booth comes over and starts to push us to the shoulder. First of the man has the most crazy ways of telling Amanda which way to go. His hands are flying and everywhere and in the chaos amanda backs into the concrete wall. The guy comes over to our window and with chaos and all he begins to tell us to get out and go inside the little tollbooth building. We get in and he tells us he called a toe truck but the cost will be 150 dollars plus 3 dollars a mile. I cannot begin to describe what was going in my head. My brother had to wake up at 4:30am for work and it was 11:30 at night. so I called him and gave him the news. After that a patrol officer came in saying we had 2 hours to get the car off the road while the toe truck driver tells us to call someone else who is cheaper. Meanwhile we have no idea what is actually wrong with the car and no one will help us get the hood up. The useless help leave to leave us with the problem and as they do I look behind me to see a flyer on the wall...WANTED HOMICIDE. Wow in the middle of nowhere and there is a killer on the loose. Amanda and my friend Christine go back to the car to pop the hood...the car oil is dry as a bone. Finally my brother comes to get us and we decide that we are going to push the car through the toll and to the parking lot. But before we do the toll booth guy tells us that we have to pay the toll as well. Alright so we get change out and try to push....the car is stuck in a little trench. Great well then we called a toe truck for 80 dollars. We get home at 4 in the morning. I wake up an hour later to drop of Christine at the train station since her other train leaves at 7 in chicago....

The next day Amanda, Daniela, and I try to figure out how the heck we are going to get home when I find our that my friend's mom is in the hospital with something very serious. We figured out our plans and also decide to take a train into chicago the next day for a day of shopping. We get a ride to the station and realize we forgot to get tickets online....luckily we can buy them on the train. We to chicago...next thing to do is to buy tickets for the way back...of course the ticket booth is closed for 15 minutes. Everything is great but oh did I mention that Daniela left her wallet in Christine's purse but christine is in Missouri. The day is almost over and we decide to walk back to the train station because none of us have any cash left. We are 15 minutes late to the train. The next one leaves in a half hour.....We finally get on and get to our stop. As we come to the door the door shuts and the train moves on to the next station.......

My brother picks us up in another city.....

Although the week was certainly from hell and every day was filled with a bit of excitement, I learned some good lessons.

1. never drive a car that is older than you on a three hour drive

2. be 15 minutes early to any public transportation

3. when the conductor says your stop is approaching get up and go to the door

4. when the weather channel says its 14 degrees but feels like -1, they are telling the truth

5. family is amazing

6. once your in college, you are bad luck

7. praying is the best thing to do

Don't Mold me Media

Looking through the magazines I see pictures of the famous in their famous clothes. On top of the picture the words That's Hot, Not, or Hot labels them. My fingers trace the font and I cannot understand who as they right to decide what I wear. Why do the magazines try to shape us into what they want so they can keep on making money? I am in aw. Who I'm i dressing for?Either I am impressing someone or I am making myself feel better by the clothes I wear. I'm not a doll to dress up for anyone. I like my clothes and my "style". I don't dress for anybody but I do keep my style "under control" for God. I started to move from The People magazine to the tattoo magazine. My eyes shifted from page to page. Some of the colors were incredible and breath taking while others made it possible for me to just look for half a second. People covered themselves with these pieces of art for what? I have no idea and a part of me doesn't really care. But then I see a girl posing and showing off her sleeve tattoo, the classic joker from Batman. I laugh. I really just laugh because why in the world would you want to put that on your beautiful skin when its beautiful already? A lot of people know that I want a tattoo. My reasons are good I think. It's not out of rebellion or out of my way to show myself off but because I want to. I want to show off God. My tattoo is going to be on the side of my abdomen. The words...Unconditional Love...written in cursive or maybe in my mom's handwriting. I have had this idea in my head since Sophomore year of high school. I'm not going impress anyone. I'm not going post it all over my facebook when I get it. I am not going to take pictures of it and then post it on facebook. The words are natural and are already imprinted in me, it's just that you cannot visually see it. I am unconditionally loved by Abba, my God. The amazing thing is, so is everybody else. I want it to be a conversation starter. I want it to remind me that I need to be a christian on the outside too. I'm not going to be a poser in a magazine, letting other people dress me and then getting judged if I'm hot or not. I am me. I am Brenna. The tattoo is already there, you just can't see it yet. This is me. I will only let God mold me.