In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience

   There is one thing that I have to constantly learn over and over again. It shows up in my life in various forms and never fails to show the impact of the lesson. I tend to dread the lesson because I continually have to learn it or relearn it. When I got my first computer for college I decided to make this lesson my password. When ever I would enter it I would have to be reminded of it. I suppose it has helped. The lesson is patience...to be patient. I struggle with time. I struggle with it not being fast enough. I love getting to the end product or seeing what the outcome is whether its good or bad. For me just to know is satisfying. My patience quickly dies off with this thinking pattern. There are times when the journey is as equally important as the end. I have to be reminded of that.

   However, I realized something. It was a ah hah moment. I have realized how incredibly patient God has been with me. I have really messed up. I took a path of silence with God for a few years. It began in Spain and made its way to the point of Graduation. Instead of swimming in the arms of the Lord I swam in the arms of partying for a bit. Although the wonderful thing about God is that he never lets go. I met wonderful people, I met my best friends. I even came to impactful realizations of my beliefs. Sadly, I had given all the glory to myself. The silent conversations I was in became destructive. 

   I started to attend a universalism church (Universalism isn't my belief or my values). The people there are great. Most of the demographics that go there are actually well over 60. They have there hands in most of the nonprofit organizations in Grand Rapids. They also host a potluck type events after church. Their sermons aren't vague but they do have this way of adapting to any religion. I went there because I was in so much pain with God that it was my way of still reaching him but keeping my distance. I have started to call it my launchpad. 

I'm a fan of devotional books. I always have been. I'm strangely super picky on them though. My favorite is My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I took it from my mom's library. I have some others that I invested in as well. I dug this out...I'm done with my launchpad and its time to start work. It is time to dig as deep as I can. 

   I started to write a letter to God. I decided I need to figure out what this anger is all about. The truth is hurtful in itself. I admitted to being angry at God for my Mom's death, troubles with my brother, losing a close friendship, and mainly feeling abandoned by Him in my depression. Lot of honesty going on there. A lot of heartbreaking honesty. 

   I'm not patient. I'm not a patient person. If there is one virtue I strive for it is patience. I love answers and my love for answers overrides my need for patience. God was patient with me for some time now and seeing that sort of patience should be a lesson to me. I'm optimistic though I am fearful. It was easy to live the life I was living. The life of being selfish and completely absorbed with myself. 

   A terrifying thing I learned yesterday is how cold my heart as been. My heart turned cold hearted. I felt immune to feeling for other people. I felt removed from people's problems. I essential was an "ass". I started to not care about that. I hate that with everything I got in me. I hate that more than anything else. My friend, learning that about yourself is so unbelievably sad. My mother would not be proud of that. God isn't proud of that. What a horrible thing. 

   In the journey I shall relearn and relearn patience. I will feed off of anything that teaches me patience. I shall. 

its just what we decide to do in the fog

"write hard and clear about what hurts" - Ernst Hemingway

When you are dating someone the reality of them one day not being there is only faint in the back of your mind. The things that distance you from thinking like this might be because you talk every day or see each other every day, who knows...every relationship is different. Though whatever the relationship is like there are expectations and the expectations grow as time moves.

I've been putting myself out there all over again. It is strange in many ways. I mostly want to meet new people. However, putting myself out there post-college is the probably the strangest thing. Meeting people at bars really isn't the ideal. Meeting people at church could be a possibility but the stigmas of "church dating" do not appeal to me. Meeting people in a coffee shop is oddly obscure because almost everyone at a coffee shop is working on work or school. Meeting people via friends seems to be the best option? And then the last option is work. (I could never do that unless it is strictly not romantic)

So what do you do? I have no idea. I'm trying to figure out life as it is. I can't decide on jobs to apply to because everything is starting to just taste bland. How exciting is that?! So the next step I presume is looking at graduate schools. My GPA is close to crap so it narrows down my selections. Does that mean it makes it easier?

I've been running into walls after walls with a select people and then with a select career moves. Is it that twentysomething blues? Most likely, I'm sure of it.
As a half joke half serious gesture one of my good friends talked me into getting that lovely inviting app called tinder. I've been scoping it out a few times and every time I open it up I start to laugh way too hard than I should. I just don't understand how you can take it seriously. Have I dropped below the bar and now I am using tinder of all things? I don't know...but I think I am embarking on a new chapter of my life of not caring in totality of what people think. I want to do wood working so I started to email people for internships. I have no idea what that means but I suppose I might be making a career movement. Its never too late.
I need to start making decisions. I need to start taking more control of my choices. I need to. I'm calling up people I haven't seen in forever. I'm calling up people that need to hang out. I'm calling up events and groups that I would never do in the past. Maybe I found some weird form of courage while life seems to be changing. I am not sure.

I don't know what the answers are or if there will ever be a revealing of the correct answers. I've learned that I need to write hard and clear about what hurts whether thats my personal journal or on here. I need be fluid and clear. To not let the past affect me in the wrong way but the right way so that I can move forward to other things. I must push forward and make the hard decisions like maybe moving and mending a broken heart. Life will never stop being foggy its just what we decide to do in the fog.

I'm impressed with life sometimes.

Simplicity. I often forget that the more simplest things can bring so much joy. The problem of this is unknown but I tend to get so stuck into the bigger picture of things or I even get stuck on the wrong things. Usually the best thing that happens is that the joy of something simply gets my attention and I get so hooked on it.
I live across the street from a Baptist church. The church is always busy most days and I think the only day that it isn't is Friday. I'm usually the one who is shoveling the driveway or just spending some time outside. I have run into one of the care takers of the church a few times. The first time we had an encounter we got talking about the snow and he then told me he would plow my driveway and the sidewalk when he does the church. He told me he would look out for me. Now whenever we are both outside we chat. I had to to bring the trash can back to the house and he saw me do it...he told me "girl, you gotta let me know...I would of done it." I remind you the man is in his upper 50s.
The most simple conversations we have.
He has made my day a handful of times and I do not know why he offers his assistance. It is bizarre to me.
Time. In a matter of time most things get resolved or closer to the truth. I am not sure how this happens to be very honest but time heals most wounds. It's been almost 9 months since I have seen my best friend. I might be getting the chance to see her in two weeks. When I heard the possibility of her coming I cried a bit. I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I didn't know what to do. It was as if my prayers were answered. Some things aren't as infinite as we think.
This winter has been horrible. Snow just falls and falls and falls. Your car gets stuck everywhere you go and numerous of people's rearview mirrors are smashed. Though today the sun is poking through the clouds. The most amazing feeling ever. In time the sun will get brighter and warmer. In time the snow will melt. And in time I will be warm.
Catching up. This past weekend my other best friend bought a megabus ticket and came to see me. I needed her here and she came. The best kind of catching up is when it doesn't feel like catching up. It is simply being together. The best kind of catching up is not realizing it is happening. The worst kind of catching up is realizing it is happening and its a bit painful. I remember it taking years for my heart to catch up to my mind when my mom passed away. When I realized that is what needed to happen to begin healing...it was terrifying because I couldn't push or force it. When it is your heart doing the catching up it is very hard to accomplish this because it takes time and taking everything in a simple matter.
Understanding. In most situations understanding is like the rays of the sun. Once you understand it your mind seems to clear the clouds. My cat has been a very difficult one to understand. Her meows have no difference between wanting to play, eat, or be petted. However, I discovered something. I understood one of her meows. Its kinda of an annoying bone chilling meow. I hate it. At random I decided to pick her up and hold her like a baby. She stopped meowing completely and calmed down. She wanted to be held...I understand. At PineRest (mental health hospital) most of the time I do not understand the patients. I do not understand why they are acting the way they are. Until I remove myself from the situation and I decide to read their bio, I soon discover if I put myself in their shoes...I might understand a little bit more. Their irrational actions and words soon start to become understandable. And then work suddenly becomes a bit easier.
Not understanding a situation is a huge missing puzzle piece. Once that piece is found we might be able to create sympathy or even empathy. We might begin to act in a different way so that the other person feels better. We might decide to change our behavior.

I'm impressed by life sometimes. It may sound weird but I really I'm. The way experience, trail and error, and a simple love can change everything. When something horrible happens it is like life couldn't get harder. It couldn't possibly be worse then this and then it does. However, when time passes we gain something. We can skill and experience. Even if we don't handle the situation well or if we do...we learn. We learn from it and taking what we can get from it. I'm always sadden when I look back into the past and I see how I first responded to situations. I always think I could of done better. I could of cried less or I could of said less cuss words etc. I'm impressed...I'm impressed with the cycles of life and the unending lessons. I am impressed with friends and their incredible dedication. I'm impressed with strangers and how they can show us the most simplest things.

Dreams, I'm in constant awe of them.

Dreams, I'm in constant awe of them. I have these dreams. Three of them to be precise. They slowly developed over time for me. I didn't have these aspirations right of the bat at all but as I adventured more out into the world, they started to mold into dreams.

I want to be a Music Supervisor. What is that? Well, after I researched choosing music for films and tv shows I stumbled upon this title. It was quite lovely and terrifying at the same time of what I found. If wanting this job you really do not need a ton of education or any at all. It is more about who you are and who you know. The pay can be from 30,000 to 250,000 depending on if you are freelance or working for a company. I enjoy music. I enjoy finding it and imaging what situations or moods go with it. It is like finding the pieces to a puzzle and then putting it all together. When I watch a Tv show I am almost always listening to the music of it.

I want to be an expert in making wooden furniture. I want to develop that skill as much as possible. I want to sell it. My dream is to make a dinning room table that a family will buy and use over and over again then pass it down through out the family. I want my hands to ache from building furniture.

I want to help children and adolescents. I want my masters in Marriage and Family counseling.

You see the thing is I don't know what I will do with my masters. That is the complication. My heart and passion is double dipping. Is this allowed? I'm I allowed to be a professional and then pursue music and art?

Dreams...how do we make these realities? Are these even realities?

I want to dream as much as I can. I want these dreams to become as impactful on my life as possible. I do not want them to separate from reality but conjoin into reality. How does one make these happen? Where do I start? All I know what to do is research and talk about it. Find those connections. Talk to people who have no connection whatsoever to my aspirations and talk to people that feel the same.

I want to make difference in my life to the point where it punctures my lungs. It stops my breathing for a moment and I begin again. Journey...I want to. Make my heart known I suppose. I am not wanting to be hidden in the dark. Expose me world. I always ask to be challenged and life surely makes a big effort in doing that to me. I took a risk and moved to Michigan to be educated by Calvin. I took a risk and applied to the studying abroad program for Spain. I like risks and I want to take more. I want to so many things I hope I can attain my dreams. That for me is one of the most important things in my life. One of my priorities. For my dreams to be dashed or crashed into a million pieces would ruin me. Although, to not act on them is the same.                                                                                                                                          

I Fail to Describe How Beautiful They Are

...I flipped through the pages of a book that I would never of rented. A book about your twenties and how most people do them wrong. If this was my conscious decision to rent it, I may think it was pretentious. However, I picked it up and read it. It brought me back to a moment a year ago. The snow was still crisp on the ground and the icicles hung like spears. The sun was still shy from the Earth and rested behind the clouds. The dead of winter laid upon me. The weekend nights still clung to drinks and late nights with friends. The mornings seemed unfathomable and terribly uncomfortable. Waking up at 8:00 for school seemed more like it was 5:00. I was living a life that I didn't want to change. I felt anxious about graduation and the changes that followed after. Although every time I saw him I had this lingering feeling that made the end seem less real. It wasn't an  overwhelming feeling or even breath taking but it was like the small drips from the icicles when they start to melt. The icicles are there, though they do not seem to be taken notice from anyone. Yet the water drips, they splash into the snow, and when the sun comes out they glisten in the rays. Days soon passed and so did the weeks, nothing happened with the lingering feeling. Life seemed to be moving and making an attempt to be exciting. I talked to others and got myself involved in the lives' of others. I coasted along with my friends and did the same thing over and over again. The repetition wasn't noticed until hindsight. My mind did not linger to his name.

Then I noticed him. He wore a black and simple v-neck. I saw him for the first time. I took an interest in who he was, wanting to figure out what he was about. He seemed cocky and a bit full of himself from were I was looking. Although I mistaken that for a raw form of self-confidence. As the snow melted and started to release the grass and flowers from captivity, I started to make myself revealed. There was no science to this just a clear motive. I wanted to be the smell of breakfast that wakes you from your sleep. When the coffee tastes better at 9:00 in the morning instead of at noon because you cannot resist the smell. I wanted to be like the sun that shines through the blinds gently. I wanted to be the glistening dew on the grass and leaves. My approach was to be settle but then once it was to be realized it would feel like a hug that needed to be embraced.

I left dull but frank text messages for him. They meant nothing and they were suppose to mean nothing. My ways were not to impress or flaunt myself but to reveal myself slowly like when a cat brushes themselves against your leg and you don't notice them until it tickles. However I wanted to take a risk. I was moving across the country it was a risk, maybe even a foolish risk. It wasn't a game. It was noticing the icicles were melting. I waited for a response with no expectations...

    I never write this way. I suppose it isn't like me to do so, I am not sure. This might be a writing style or a way to push myself into a different form of writing. When I write a blog my intentions aren't to ask for help or to show the world how "depressed" I am. My aim is to be honest and raw. It just so happens that my struggles are plastered to the wall of facebook, blogger.com, and my google+ account. But this is my choice and I'll do it over and over again. For whomever my audience is I tell you this, I'm ok. I am fine. I am living. I am doing life. I am experiencing the life I was given. My blogs might be tainted with struggles or might seem like a desperate cry for help but what would happen if you posted your daily struggles publicly?
This past Monday I got in a minor car accident and busted one of my headlights. I stressed out my back from it. And now I have to figure out how to fix and pay for it. For the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that I don't like my job. It is so med focused that I kind of can't stand it. I wanted to write about that. Yet, I didn't want to seem like I was complaining or that I'm still in this shitty spot of figuring out adulthood.

I discovered that life in it's self is a struggle. If I happen to be the one to write about the struggles then so be it. I will be the one to do that. Sometimes at the end of the day there is no resolution but you just forget that it was a crappy day and move on to the next thing. This week a lot of things happened that I didn't like very much because it made other things very difficult. Yet, some awesome things happened. I needed extra money this month. My cousin contacted me without knowing my week was not so good and that I needed the extra money she asked if I could babysit. My boyfriend spent his entire day off with me, without me asking. It was the day after the minor accident. Things like that make me feel special. Those are some moments I live for. The small great moments make me see the big hard moments smaller. I will continue to write about what I write and maybe some day I will be raw with my big great moments. Though right now I am not willing to publicly air that as weird as that may sound. Those moments mean more to me than the hard moments. I do not cherish the hardships. I cherish the beautiful moments that I fail to describe how beautiful they are.

Trying to make it is what I have to do

Life. I do not think I am good at it. I don't know what being good at it is really. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders today. As I come more into the light and of the darkness of anxiety I see that all I am doing is growing up at the age of 22. However, I have barely achieved all my independence.

Yesterday I figured out my student loans. I have one that I have to pay right away, of course monthly payments. Though the sum is the same as my rent. That sum...I hate it. I hate money. I do not know how to live on a budget because I find myself buying people dinner or gifts. Then when I need something I have get it....aka food, winter gloves, and etc. I don't know. I'm learning to survive in this crazy and harsh world. The land of the grown ups is not where I belong.

Yesterday I found myself giving homeless people a ride to a food kitchen. I don't have the gas for this. Though I did it anyways. They told me they lived in a tent. It has been snowing for days...I had a blanket in the car and offered it to them. Luckily, they didn't accept because I needed the blanket. When I had that thought it kind of made me sick. It's a weird twisted thought.

Yesterday or sometime last night...my license fell out of my wallet and landed somewhere I will never know. It was one of those things when you take your license out then out of pure laziness you put it in your jacket pocket or just some other place than your wallet.

Lets just say I didn't have the most exciting time last night or today when I came to understanding that my license was misplaced.

I don't know how I will pay for rent. I guess I am now a resident of Michigan if I get a new license.

All these things are troubling. My life is chaotic at some points. I don't quite understand this adult world or what it means to be one because I have never felt like one. I do not know how to be sufficient in this type of world. So I go to church and I record the songs in the service. I go home and start making my niece's christmas gift. I start stopping my complaining and just try my best to deal with it. This life is never easy nor do I think it will get any easier. But trying is what matters I suppose. Trying to make it is what I have to do. I try to be better than I was yesterday and maybe something good will come out of it.

Though what I am thankful for is that I am not alone. I have house to live in. I have car even if it is old. I have things to keep me warm. I have love in my heart. I have food in my belly. I have a bed to sleep in. I have work even if it isn't enough I still have work. I have a life to live. And I don't have a cold anymore just winter boogers. I suppose this is life and I work towards no matter how hard it is.

I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

The moment that change enters my life or the taunting knock at the door I get very resistant. Eventually I let the change happen and I work with it. Though it takes me a bit to take it all in. I haven't had a "easy" year in a long time nor do I think I have had one. Though what is a easy year anyways? I am not sure. I have noticed that I am getting comfortable. I'm not pushing myself I suppose.

In the past years of my life they have been dramatically filled with situational events. Healing from my mother's death has been constant and very often intense. I have filed through things of what I thought were important to deal with and then I accepted what life brought at my door to file through. Then ever so often other family affairs started to happen. When they died down it was time to graduate from college. So I can say now I'm pretty content even if things are very different and not too exciting.

Until I realized that I need something. That being an introvert can have consequences if it isn't played right. I'm too selective when it comes to friends. Of course it has done me well in the past and I have met and kept some pretty awesome friendships up but right now I need that random chat over coffee.

You see a lot of my close friends aren't in the area anymore or they are still in California. Or they perhaps are leading very work focused lives. Which isn't bad at all. I'm in a stage of my life now that isn't totally similar with everyone at my age.

I'm friend shopping? I'm friend dating? Here's my number?

If you have ever been in that situation of a new environment or your current environment has evolved into something else...I think you know what I am getting at. I'm not lonely just mostly alone on my days off. It's something I don't hate and I am fine with. However, I've never lived in my comfort zone for too long and its time to spread out and see what can be done.

One thing here. This is weird. This is a weird topic and weird to write about it. Though if I write this blog I want to be transparent. I need to be transparent. There is something enticing for me there when I am able to do that.

I have had it in the past where I have moved back home it was the hardest thing to do...to make new friends. It was hard to fit in and understand where people hang out or the kinds of people. I always long to be accepted like everyone else in my own way. I like to be funny and have people laugh at my corny jokes that don't always make sense. I also find it completely weird when we automatically think its easy to make friends for everyone. Its easy for me sometimes because I tend to put a lot of myself in friendships though I rarely do it because of my personal insecurities. I tend to be less confident and less myself with people I don't know. What can I say putting yourself out there for friends to hang out with is the weirdest thing ever to do....Its great but a strange concept because we think that everyone has friends and that people are hanging out all the time. False. Just not true.

Well after babbling and not really having a clear blog entry I invite you on my journey of....finding friends in the area?

P.S haha yes I have friends they are just not here...or very very busy people