I sipped my coffee too eagerly

I sipped my coffee too eagerly and it burned the tip of my tongue. I let it settle and took another sip. She didn't care for me smoking which I knew so I waited until our conversation was over. My mind was impatience to hear her advice though I waited. She wasn't like Dad who gave this elongated explanation for what he was saying.
We were outside on the patio. Dad finally got the pepper tree to be cut and the view was ours once again. The fog wasn't settling anymore as the sun started to heat up and burn it all off causing the mountains to be visible. I knew she had some errands to run so I didn't waste any more time to ask her if moving back would be a good idea.

This is what I imagine it would of been like if my mom was alive and I had the opportunity to talk to her when I needed to. Though I don't have that now. I wish it was as easy as sending an email to her or even a text. I've had to think of different ways to handle this. For some reason getting your mom's advice is special in this sense that they want you to stay but they also know what is better for you to do. I imagine that when I get the chance to talk to her...it will be a weird sense of comfort.

I haven't gotten a clear answer about moving but I am still moving. Its this feeling I have. This feeling that feels right. There are a handful of people that I've talked to that aren't bias but there are a handful of people that are. Either they want me to stay to just "hang out" or they want me to come to just "hang out".  Haha but what's the right decision? Well, I have come up with pros and cons that have led me to a decision. It would of been easier with my mom around, however that isn't an option.

I'm not entirely good at remembering details. It often takes me longer to understand something or learn something. I can be irrational sometimes. I tend to make a decision without thinking very hard about it. I enjoy advice from people who know me very well. There are times I still feel like a kid and it irritates me. Though I am not sure why I am so eager to grow up. Maybe because I'm happy when I find myself. Find myself through my own individuality.

I'm in a time in my life where I'm trying to build a life.

Her lips went together after sipping more coffee. It was now unsettling hot outside and it was time to get dress to go on with the day full of errands. Her advice left me unsettled but comforted in the ways that I expected.

I fell in love with 11 people

I didn't have the moment of realization once things started to change. They all seemed different from me or just not my crowd for some reason. I didn't feel accepted until I accepted them. The process was quite quick however. It happened so fast that I am not sure I realized exactly what happen in the last two years. My past is cloudy and dusty. It has taken me years to sort through things that influenced who I am today. My feet seem to be tired some days although I keep pressing on. That is what they accepted and loved.

When I met them my world changed. Somehow some way we all connected in this unimaginable way. I felt as though I could be myself and being myself around such a large number of people. The most perfect or close to perfect thing in this world is to be understood and accepted. The most horrible thing in this world is to be misunderstood and not accepted.

There are many things in this world that cause us grief and uncertainty. When joy and certainty is found it is as if life is found, the meaning of life is found. I don't know if you have found that but when you do...it is pretty intense. It is when you finally understand what God's love is even if it is for a split second. They took my hand in my anger, grief, joy, and complete happiness. They held my hand when I wanted to scream. They acted like real raw human beings...and saw God's beauty in them. I saw honest and genuine beings. 

Kind eyes and relentless love. The excuses of parties and events just to see each other. Making every weekend seem like a holiday. Wanting the best for them in their studies or work but pressuring to just see them. Telling stories of the past and making memories for future story telling. You will have a place in my heart that will never be kept secret. I will decorate it with the most comfy blankets and pillows...for those afternoon naps.

For some reason when I feel the rain and warm air I think of you all. Something about how it makes me feel resembles the times we have had. We have seen each other at our worse and at our best. It is like rain in the middle of summer. Or it is like a summer day in the middle of winter.

I have a lot of wants and wishes. Some will be fulfilled and others simply won't. Though I will always want to have a day where we are all be together again. I will fight for it. I'm this hopeless romantic for my friends in ways they only understand. I cannot pull away or disengage even though I want nothing more but to get rid of this pain. I've felt greif and I will always feel grief. But pulling away from something that is still there in a sense makes no sense...It simply does not. Once you lose something you understand what fighting for is all about. It is about something bigger than yourself.

I fell in love. I fell in love with 11 people. Each one took my heart and nourished it. They won't give it back. I won't give their hearts back either.

My first goodbye was to my friend Jeremy when I left grand rapids. We actually had two goodbyes, haha that wasn't planned. The first goodbye I think I said goodbye to the whole group in my heart because after that goodbye the other goodbyes I detached from. I cried on the train a little but when I said goodbye to Jeremy everything felt very real. It was as if the curtain was removed and I saw my future. I saw a world that I didn't want. I built my home in your hearts. I built it very deep. When I see you I feel home. I feel for a period of time that I don't need to put up fronts or facade. I can be the person that I was meant to be.

I have two families. One family I was born into. One family I found myself in. When does that happen twice?

When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore.

I got home almost two weeks ago. When I got off the plane late in the night...I knew this wasn't my home anymore. I knew instantly and all my fears of life settled themselves inside my head. These fears I am not sure of anymore as I was terribly overwhelmed with life. I missed my friends. I missed the way the city woke up. I missed the way the air felt in my lungs. I missed the strangers. I missed hugging. I was told to settle in for a few weeks before making any irrational decisions. So I tried. Although I still feel I don't belong in California. The people here are very individualistic and very inward. Communities that provide life and growth are hard to find because you cannot feel it. I cannot feel it like I felt it in Grand Rapids. That city taught me about family and life.

I told a friend about how I felt and it was enlightening. She feels the same way but needs to be home for certain reasons. The churches here are very big we concluded. The might be for all the lost souls.

I always wondered why people stayed in Grand Rapids. I wondered why it was so appealing and remarkable. I didn't quite understand them until I myself when home to live. I moved here and yet I am a person with no heart because I left it in Grand Rapids. Its troubling to know that.

I need to get back on my feet. Pay bills. And then move back. That is my goal.

Since I have been home I have also felt a different feeling that I rarely feel. I feel useless. I feel as though I have no skills and even no skills in relationships. My head is on some other level for the moment. I hope I can change that soon. I need to adequate for this life that I have established. Did I lose something? Is that something confidence? I am not sure. I hope not. I will do anything in my power to find it.

So here I am to find myself in a new way growth. I shall work hard and be productive.

The funny thing is. I realize that if I go back to Grand Rapids...half of my friends will be there....but none at all I dont know. I just know that my heart isn't here in San Diego anymore. I've moved on.

I have a vague plan for the next few months

The last month was something I cannot quite put into words. It is was blur of emotions for me. My heart was tugged in directions that were hard to say no to. I thought that saying goodbye would be ok. But in fact I haven’t said a goodbye like that in very long time. The moment when you realize how much you love someone is when you have to say goodbye. 

That moment you realize that you would do anything or maybe nothing for them. Its this strange feeling you feel that lasts for a few seconds between you and that person. The hug feels like it should be infinite but it isn’t. The tighter you squeeze somehow signifies how much you love them. Then you can whisper anything you want into their ear and only they can hear it. You only want them to hear it. 

This morning I had some hard goodbyes. Partly because I was so emotional from all the other goodbyes and I have known these people for 4 years. They saw me at my weakest and my strongest. They listened to my sob stories and held my hand when my head was too heavy for myself. I wish I could tell them in person how much I care for them...again and again and again. 

When someone is gone...either if they have run away or left on their own terms...you realize the power of love. You realize that you would have their back and support them to no end. My “crew” means a lot to me. In ways that I can’t comprehend because they turned into family. I wish this stuff was easy but if it was easy then why would we have community? 

I have a vague plan for the next few months. I am broke. SO broke. I spent my money wise but I couldn’t possible spend it too wise when I spent my last days in Grand Rapids. I hope that it was worth it because it felt worth it. 

My plans might be vague but the support I have from my friends pushes me. To make that money to be used to see them again. I talked to some people about my friend group and its awfully strange. Apparently it is kinda rare to form the kind of friend group that I did in college. A range of 10-13 people saw me at my worse and my best. We discovered ourselves together and helped each other see who they really are. YOLO became this theme that became so ridiculous but made so much sense. We found each other late in the game but it didn’t matter. 

Although my heart hurts and it feels so tangled in mush...I’m relaxed. You see your family, that is a written rule. 

I have so many things ahead of me and so many plans to make. I’m excited to share them with my friends. I’m excited to live my dreams. I’m excited to use social media to its fullest because I still need them. 

Life Holds Onto You If You Let It

This is my second to last day of undergrad. Tomorrow I use what knowledge I have in my head and force it down on two finals. My mind hasn't really stopped racing, it started racing about a month and half ago. I am thankful that today I don't have a final instead I can study my brains out and focus. Although my focusing has been a bit sidetracked lately.
Mother's Day really through me off. It came out of no where and it was like I was running into a wall with a blind fold on. I didn't even leave the house that day because I was studying but leaving would be too much work. Normally days like this aren't the worse but I usually prepare for them.
Today is a weird day. I'm exhausted from sleeping? I have no idea but I am so exhausted. Last night my brother texted and told me that my niece, Alaina, was sick and had to go to the ER. ER...I hate those letters so much. To some it might seem has refuge or a career but to me it is just another word for bad. Also today it is my brother Brent's birthday. He passed away when he was 4 but I wasn't alive to know him. I think he would of been 29 or 30. I'm not too sure. The list just keeps growing!

Yea all this stuff is hard, it has to happen during finals week of my last year of undergrad. Although as I look back on the last 4 years I have had a lot harder times. I have conquered so much in such a small time frame. Yes, I know my grades aren't the best. But I was also dealing with a whole lot at that time of my life.

I have changed a lot since that first year. I feel more confident. I have more to say and I say it when I feel like it. I guess in a lot of ways I have found myself. I talked to or had flings with guys...but never completely dated someone in college. I didn't get my MRS degree. I didn't want to. I couldn't of...I was too busy finding myself.

I could say that this week is bullshit and I hate it. I wish I could skip this coming weekend and just ignore it. However, I can't. This week means a lot to me...this weekend means a lot to me. When my mom was dying I had made a few promises to her. I already fulfilled one of those promises. The second promise was to graduate from college. I'm doing it mom. I'm graduating. Every part of me wishes you were here. I wish I could hold your hand again and compare how similar our hands are. I wish you could meet my friends...the ones that helped me so much...but you can't. And because you can't...I have become a more independent, caring, thoughtful, and loving person. I wish I could of done it with you here but that is ok, its ok now.

Life holds onto you if you let it. It will drag you down so far. You have to learn to shake it off...and move past it. Learning to live seems like an easy thing in life...but I think it's actually pretty hard. Learning to live is a hard challenge because if you let the hard stuff control and run your life...you will get nowhere. The only destination you will arrive at is misery.

Sometimes I want to give up because it would be easier than trying. However lately its been harder to give up because trying is easier.

I have no choice but to hug life right back

I haven't written something thought provoking in awhile. I have settled for things that I have just repeated time and time again. However in this moment of time I am ready to unload some things. In a better sense document what I have been going through.

For the last month I have been struggling. Struggling in a new sense though. My stress has overtaken my thoughts and the way I am perceiving. I feel now that I have some type of hold on it. In a few weeks I will be graduating from college. I suppose this is some kind of life changing event...

The work load I have been given and taken on is a lot. Papers, projects, relationships, shifts in life, and new issues have been rising to the surface of my life. Lately, I have also realized how similar I am to my dad. We seem to be dealing with the same prohibiting personality traits at the same time. For the first time in a long time I feel as though he is taking care of me and I am not taking care of him.

I'm a perfectionist. I do not have this type A personality per se but I am a perfectionist in my own life. I want to control what goes on in my life in my way. My way isn't the best way but I like it. As you might have realized is that this way of being promotes some hardships.

I like to put my whole self into things...school doesn't allow me to do that. I have to spread myself from subject to class to home. Only parts of me are available. And guess what? I have so much going on in my life right now that I can only give a few percents of myself to each thing.

This results in me not sleeping. At first I wouldn't fall asleep until 5 in the morning...the next day. As you can imagine this through me off from everything, to my relationships to attending classes. It was hard to focus and it was hard to be there for people because I wasn't there for myself. I have changed some things...

I have changed or in the process of changing how I feel, think, and act. One of the biggest things I had to change and probably the most protruding...is my mom. This 'issue' that keeps coming up in my life no matter what. My mom won't be at my graduation. She won't be there when I get my dress. She won't be there holding my hand. She won't be there to take a picture with me in the scorching heat. She won't be there.

Sometimes I feel like a kid whose parent is in jail or something. How they could of been there if....fill in the blank...but they won't be. There could be possibility but they chose not to come. That is a thought I have changed. She won't be there because she is dead. However if she wasn't she would be there...and she would probably stress me out with choices and obligations. I would have to take out my lip ring and the plugs in my ears. I would of had to choose a dress that we both like...oh my gawd...I would of gone crazy.

I am not a motherless woman. I am woman that has a mother, she is dead. I am still me and I am still great. I have flaws, flaws that I work on. I struggle through life like anyone else. I relate with people who have lost a parent. I relate to people who have had grief in their life.

I am going through a life change. A change in my life that is real and there. I am not a copy of someone else but I am me. I struggle...but I make it worth while. This is life and once again it is opening it's arms wide and embracing me.....and I have no choice but to hug life right back.

I need to be honest because at this point honesty hurts way less than hiding it.

Prime stress.
4 papers and little time to complete all 4. Stresses of life settling their way into my cracks. Abundant things in every corner.

Though the cool thing about this is getting to really know yourself. I have molded and developed into a different person since my freshman year of college. Comparing the two side by side, is unreal to me to think about. I'm just so different. I've tried to find myself and it didn't really work out well. So I just went with the flow and natural I started to come to the surface.

When high stress periods come now I am starting to realize who I am through them. It is very interesting. I turn aggressive and lose a bit of my kindness along the way. Strangely, I don't even try to do this. It just kind of happens. My energy gets absorbed by the papers and the projects. There just isn't enough emotions to pass around or so it seems.

I have to set aside my stress and frustrations. I have to put them in boxes no matter how big they are or how small they are. They have their space...and their space isn't taped shut or even exposed. It is just in it's spot. Because once that all gets tangled with other unrelated things; trouble has started.

For some reason I snapped at some people that I love in the past few days. It is as though I have lost some control for some brief seconds and the beast is released. I don't know. But that is what it feels like.

So in these moments I realize who I am in certain scenarios. When some one is neurotic or has some sort of pathology...they act the same in every place you put them. They act the same at a party, coffee break, hanging out, being around friends, etc. Their response to situations they are put in or put themselves in are the same. That used to be the case for me...but now it is different.

For the last year or so I have been experiencing a new me. At times it is very exciting and other times it is very frustrating. Because it is like getting to know myself all over again. I suppose this is the traditional way of growing up, I am not sure. I am sure that I feel like I have a pile of clay in front of me...and it is my job to decide what I want to remove or shape. Decision making, it is a very interesting topic. We make decisions every day from the clothes we wear to the statements we say to friends. Our world around us has the power to manipulate us or bring us closer to the truth.

When my stress is very high, it interferes with my sleep. that is the point when I know that my stress is bad. It has to be dealt with. This is the point where I need to be honest because at this point honesty hurts way less than hiding it.

I see my life and I see how it affects the people around me. I don't know what to do and I am stuck. So I pull out of my shell and express that today kinda sucks and I'm stressed out. I need some comfort.
The hardest part of growing up is when you have to ask for help. When you have to ask for comfort it is like the walls are caving in.

I'm only confident in the things that I was forced to be confident in. I'm only confident in the things that were forced to grow up inside of me. I'm subconscious in the things that I have time and time again made mistakes in. I've never been good at stress. In fact I have always kinda handled it badly. But if I'm not confident in over coming this stress, I will never over come this stress.

Stress shall have no hold on me in a negative way. I will not submit to stress factors. Some stresses are good and can motivate you to succeed but once they start tearing you down...it is negative.