We Found Love...in a hopeless place

This year...this semester. I don't want it to end. I'm expected to write a paper right now but I just can't seem to get into it. I'm listening to We Found Love by Rihanna, maybe only some of you like it or some of you probably don't even listen to the song. 

When ever my group of friends go out for the night to dance...and this song comes on...we go buck wild. That is the only way to put it. 

This year has been a year that I won't forget. I have struggled, fought, loved, cried, crawled, ran, made bad decisions and made good ones...I will never regret the things that happened this year. I commit to all the decisions I have made. 

Its funny how you can listen to one song and instantly memories shoot out like fireworks. There is nothing more amazing when those memories are nothing but good. We Found Love by Rihanna makes me think of so many amazing people I either met this year or have been friends with for awhile now. I can't seem but to just smile and dance with my memories when that song comes on through the car speakers, headphones, computer, or the party going on that Friday. 

When I left Spain and came home to San Diego, I was nervous about coming to Grand Rapids again. So many people changed and developed something different in their lives. My housemates already lived together for 3 semesters. I was the newb coming in. I was the new girl in the social group...I was nervous that I would be put on the outside for being gone for so long. I wouldn't get the inside jokes that were just made or I wouldn't know many faces. 

I have no idea why I was so nervous once I arrived in Grand Rapids. I remember sitting at the train station and it was so cold. I was waiting for my friends to come get me. I hadn't seem them in 7 months. I barely talked to them during that time as well. They drove up and just gave me the most embracing hugs ever. I could hardly put my stuff in the car. Daniela kept looking back at me from the front seat to the back seat. It was like I was fake or some kind of fantasy to them. They quickly caught me up and expressed their love and caring thoughts to me. 

I just sat in aw. I was dumb founded. One of my biggest flaws of when I get close to someone is knowing and keep knowing that they love me. Just because I do something wrong or they don't give me "enough" attention means that they don't love me. I have been working on this this past year. Daniela has been my right hand man in it all. She grabs me by the face and pulls it close to her's. So close that our noses could touch. She tells me "I love you, Brenna." And sometimes she tells me to repeat after her, "Daniela loves you." 

When you are so far away from home, the ones that make you feel you...are your close friends. There has been some family things going on and the other night I broke down because I was so frustrated and irritated. As I told my housemates what was going on, Christine shared some things with me about her family. I hold onto that moment and I will never let it go. I believe in soul mates...I believe you can have different kinds of soul mates, so different kinds of loves. There can be numerous soul mates in your life. When it comes to friends, there are definitely soul mates too. I found my soul mates freshman year and this year as well. 

So when We Found Love is played I think of it as many different kinds of loves. In this world today its almost impossible to find love...finding love in a hopeless place. God gives us hope and he can give it to us in so many different ways. I found hope through my friends. I found love. I may be single and alone in that field of my life. But so many other people fill the other areas of my life. I'm entirely grateful. 

This is the first year that I can remember that...

I remember when I felt like I was drowning, drowning in the sea of discomfort. Discomfort with overwhelming frustrations and unending thoughts of wanting to escape. Discomfort with not knowing why I did the things I did. Being drowned in sorrows and agony. I remember when I wouldn't remember what last week felt like or what the day before that day felt like. I remember when I called upon so many people and so many people at so many times. I exhausted friendships when I was frustrated because they couldn't help. I remember lying in bed and just crying or taking a shower just so I could cry and be alone.

Depression is a bitch and thats all there is to it. It is an unhealthy bitch. It consumes every aspect of you and causes you to have a tormented perspective on life, people, friends...and relationships and then lastly yourself. 

I pulled out of it. Amazing. I remember being in Government class senior year of high school. It was my first period so naturally at a private Christine school devotions and prayer start off your day. My teacher read some devotions and I have no idea what it was saying. But depression was brought up...and my teacher said that depression is a sin. It is self-loathing. It is self-pity. There is nothing is to it...all you need is Jesus. All you need to do is repent. 

I remember my reaction to it. I was unsettled...practically disturbed. I wanted to protest but I had no idea why. 

One of my first core classes at Calvin College was Psychology. I fell in love with it. I fell in love with theories and behaviors...the cognitive processes. I fell in love with the fact that depression wasn't a sin...it was a condition. It is a condition. Some people have it all their lives others have it for months. Chemicals are literally unbalanced. Something went wrong and it isn't working all too well anymore. 

This is the first year that I can remember that I'm happy most of time. I complain about this or that...I get frustrated...I get upset or angry...I cry...I laugh...I yell...I scream lyrics out in the car. The difference is that this is all normal. There are connections and explanations to the feelings. I'm not over my head with feelings. 

My theories of personality class for psych has been allowing me to look at myself differently and enjoyably. Its been great. And now I sit here procrastinating, writing a blog when I should be writing my final paper for this class. ohs wells. ha

may then april then me

Its almost going to be May. Well, I know it is still April but when you caught up in life...almost applies to everything that deals with time. Its my 3rd year in my second semester. I know that at the end of this year there are people I most likely won't see again or have the chance to see again. There are people who I don't really want to see again either. 

In the past few weeks or months my relationships with people have evolved to this weird universe. I have found my identity or something close to it. I have finally been able to be myself. I haven't been able to do that in forever. 

I used to get this weird anxiety feeling when people didn't accept me. This uneasiness. Because I wanted to hang out with. I wanted to be around them...but there were times when they didn't accept me. It might of been because I didn't accept myself or I just wasn't their cup of tea. I really don't know. It's funny how things come to be. It's funny how certain things rub you the wrong way but yet you move on. 

I have been in a psychology class for past few months. It is about theories of personality and every week we take a personality test that pin points something different or sometimes something broad. I have taken a notice of the tests and the class very well because at the end of the class we have to write a paper on ourselves. The past few tests have really challenged me to take a notice at myself.

I haven't been digging deep but I have been observant. I have been really observant with my interactions with other people. In a consequence I have drawn closer to the people that know me well. I have been wanting to better those relationships. So the people that know me better are the people that live with me. And the people back home...but I have been slacking in being connected with them. I have been busy, very busy but that can never be an excuse because you always have time. It depends on you schedule your time. 

I sit here on a Saturday night with my notes from psych class everywhere. The sun is setting causing the living room to decrease in light. Though once a light is turned on, it is officially night. Saturday has turned into Saturday night. I sit here with my friends on the couch...and my heart becoming jealous because I really don't want to be studying or trying to study. I sit here with weight of the world on my back because I let it happen that way. Consumed by life choices I sit on this wooden chair deciding whether or not I want to keeping acting like this or that. If I want to turn these acts into habits or not. Habits to maybe change my personality a bit. To change me. I'm not sure what life is about to be honest. I know it is to praise and glorify God but in what for me personally? What is becoming my purpose here and how do I want to approach it...how do I want to be? 

This is why I love psychology...I like learning about the inner parts of me and the inner parts of the people I encounter with. I hate being in school, in classes that pertain to my major...but they do to others. I hate being in school because I'm not out in the world...I'm in a classroom feeling like I am suffocating. Dramatic, maybe. 

Whoever you are...reading this...don't stop getting to know yourself. Getting to know why you do certain things a certain way that might not be like everyone else. In fact I challenge you to. Because you are the only fascinating person you will ever meet. Narcissistic it sounds but there won't be a day that doesn't go by where you won't surprise yourself.  

Cynical Human Being

There is this lingering sentence in my mind. I hear almost every morning since I have been in Michigan. It is very simple and yet a genuine concern. The words leave the mouth with out any hesitation or thought to what effect it might have on the other person. "Did you sleep ok?"

I'm not sure why this question lingers on the tip of my brain. As though it is a fleeting thought that just can't flee from my brain. Like it is stuck on something...a loose bult in my mind. I'm not sure but because it lingers I'm attached to it.

You are tired and the clock is set at 10, 11, or 12. You head to bed and say goodnight. For what ever reason it is time to get up and get ready for the day ahead. You might of woken up from a sleepless night, ironically. Or you might of woken up from an ok night of rest. There are those nights were when you wake up in the morning...you wake up with no headache, exhaustion, worry, or a need to sleep more. Right then you realize that you slept more than alright. Your beauty rest was fantastic. It was enjoyable...not a hassle or concern to follow into your day.

My housemate and I exchange these words in the morning. A greeting from a friend.

I don't notice these words ever...not until this past week. Spring break was so fast but so needed at so many levels. A period to just rest my body and most importantly my mind. A breather from the everyday schedule of college.

It's those simple phrases that sometimes catch my attention. Do you really want to know how I slept or are you saying this to keep up...to put your two cents into the relationship? I'm not saying it's the negative answer. I think we as humans need to pay attention to the words that come out of our mouths. To ponder if that is really what we want to contribute to the relationship I have with so-n-so. Or is this just a mindless reaction I have towards that so-n-so.

Simple actions or words can have the slightest ill motives but the receiver can perceive them as a complete opposite. People are horrible. People are ruthless. People are liars. People hurt other people. I don't know if we should be incredibly sensitive towards others or we should just try are best not to piss anyone off. I'm not in the fan club to hurt others but it happens to be that I sometimes act like I am.

I often rely on people. I put these expectations into people. The last few months I have realized I need to limit those expectations...because they are letting me down, they are letting my expectations down. It's a matter of becoming more realistic and less imaginative. Though is this going to destroy me? I won't become a cynical human being will I? If I must to survive, then ok. If it comes down to it, then ok. If...then...

Insecurities...the dirt within

Its spring break officially tomorrow, Monday the 19th of March. The excitement of coming back to school...and seeing the people I wanted to see...being in a house that isn't Dad's, wore off. The daily struggles and stresses set in a week or ago. Yesterday my friend and I talked about inventing some kind of cure that takes away everything depressing. The depressing feelings. Those things that just screw your mind up. The events that seem to throw you off track and leave you helpless.

I think one thing I would like to be gone, is my insecurities that seem to trap me. My insecurities weren't set in the way I perceive myself in my looks, in the way I approach new people, but in the way I feel my closest friends perceive me. Strange I must say. Everyone tells me I have this confidence about myself. I even tell myself I just need to be confident that tonight I look good. Though when it comes to those moments in the day where my friends and I are just relaxing...my insecurities set in.

I know to a certain extent where these feelings root from. Scary sometimes to realize it but it is healthy to in so many ways. I know one root is the lost of my mom. Scared to lose someone like that again. Or to simply lose a friend through difficulties. This insecurity I have is like a tumor to me. I just want to find it and extract it from my body. Maybe perform a little chemo too.

Anyways, I must say I didn't realize how much a break from life does for you. Especially during that break the weather is just unfathomable. No more snow or cold winds right now. I love it. The weather changes my mood. In the summer I would wake up. Clean the dishes. Take some coffee. Go outside and sit drinking coffee while doing my devotions. I was lavished with the sun's heat in a Californian morning.
As I step outside to a brisk morning, that is way warmer than the days we have had, my heart sings.

I how different life would of been if I didn't come to Michigan. When I chose this school/decided I would attend Calvin, I was numbed with pain. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would of chosen this place at all. Not because hindsight but knowing who I was back thing before my mom died. Never would I want to go to a state that is saturated with snow, ice, water...in the ground and air. I wouldn't of chosen a place like this. But I am glad I did and I am glad I met the people I have.

I might not be close with all of them but I know they have all shaped me in some way. Its perfect almost when you think about it. Our lives can look like hell sometimes. They can even look so grim that its hard to find the light. But honestly...that grimness is like the dirt on the windows. You can always see out of it but when you focus on the dirt, you can't see anything but that dirt.

If I concentrate on the insecurities I have...I will only know my insecurities and not my strengths.

updating

I'm done with an exam that included 5 essays and that's it. I studied diligently this time. I started on Monday and proceeded through out the week to look at it, and maybe retain some sort of information. When I took the test or began to take it, I thought I was going to fail. Not because I had no confidence but because I'm a terrible test taker. I know my strengths are essays but it was my first important exam. One I wanted to succeed in. I'm sure I passed but my grade I am unsure of. I hadn't realized that once I'm passionate about the subject, I can do quite well.

This is a mark of the a newer me. Its strange how our personalities have temperaments which lay the fondation of our basic personality. Although we seem to evolve into who we are. My attitude and thought process seems to be changing and evolving. This isn't because I'm attuned to myself now but it is because I'm allowing it to change. 

When I go back to West coast, I often drift from what I want to be. My community there is strick in their beliefs. The concept of stepping outside and really testing your beliefs is almost out of question. I'm from California though...I should be able to find people similar to me and the way I think. I don't want my beliefs to be suppressed anymore when I go home. Instead of Conservative with liberal, I'm I liberal with conservative? I'm not totally sure what the answer of that is. I will however keep it open in journey in figuring it out. 

I've noticed in my pursuit in finding out myself and being confident with myself, I haven't taken huge steps forward or backwards. I'll take a step and then wade in the step for several periods. I'm not irrational though neither I'm I rational. Interesting, I suppose.

This year has been rewarding. I came to terms with things and got over so many things. I let go of certain friends who weren't holding that special place in my heart. The priority of so many things started to fall and others took their place. I felt liberated and not pressured. The ones who brought me down, fell down. I'm afraid to say that people in my life hold this hierarchy in my life. The problem with it is when someone who is near the top of the hierarchy starts to fail you on countless of times, it not only messes you, yourself, but also effects many aspects of your life. Hierarchy...

This next portion of my life has always been lingering around though I haven't directly talked about it. Love. Love for the opposite sex in my case. In my 6 semesters of college there has always been someone in each semester. With each someone I have learned about what I want and who I am most importantly. Though this portion of my life has yet to be fulfilled. I'm eager to share life with someone in a far more important way than I do with friends or family. Certain applications do apply here, I am aware. The need to be needed. The want to be noticed. The desire to be respected. And all the other things that follow. Although, I'm not in a hurry or even scrabbling. Priority maybe but certainly not on the top though not on the bottom. 

Or will I stop caring and if I stop caring, I will be ok?

I'm not quite sure who reads this blog anymore because the people who are viewing it are coming from all over the world. I'm glad that my words or something someone wants to come back to. It's encouraging to stay positive through whatever but also to really feel everything in a new way. Most of you read my blog about Spain which I wish was still going on.

Today I'm going to write about "culture shock". When you first hear, it seems like there really is only one meaning. Though the Spain meetings I went to before we took off said a lot more than just one meaning. I'm starting to realize that. School is back in session and I'm starting to see familiar faces that ask all the familiar and same questions. How are you? How was Spain? Are you adjusting? They are all legitimate questions.

I answer them in my shortest response possible because honestly people aren't ready for me to explode Spain at them. I could talk endlessly about it. The adventures, foods, places, people, economy, habits, landscape, views, smells, and etc.

As I go down my list of things that are different, I come across one indifferent thing about myself. My relationship with God the Almighty. Since sometime in the middle of Spain I haven't been to church, I did go on Christmas though. Every time Sunday hit, something happened on Sunday. Either hanging out with my niece, woke up too late, roads were unsafe due to snow for a new "winter" driver, or it was my birthday and the night before I went to bed at 6am. I haven't gotten the fair chance to even decide if I didn't want to go. I tried a podcast one time when I wasn't able to go and I love hearing the message. But I missing the community. Singing with so many other people or listening to the Bible being preached.

My heart for Lord seemed to be quieted down by life events. Like it was being scolded by some parent who isn't mine. Me being five years old, looking up at them and wondering what I did wrong. Like the world comes down so hard because I can't understand what I did wrong. Me, waiting for my parent to swoop in and save me.

What I'm I suppose to do or how I'm I suppose to solve this? Its affecting my decisions with things as well. For moment in time I had thoughts of leaving this faith and pursuing something else. Not another religion but just a different path. It crossed my mind for a moment. I'm not sure if you know this but having faith is incredibly hard.... It is like crops growing. They need to be tended to in several ways. Water, good soil, sun, and tender loving care. You can't just care....you need so many other things to keep the plant living.

As stress is added on as school starts up...I start to think of how I will handle all these issues on my own. Or will I stop caring and if I stop caring, I will be ok? No, I don't think that will work. uhm we will see