Cynical Human Being

There is this lingering sentence in my mind. I hear almost every morning since I have been in Michigan. It is very simple and yet a genuine concern. The words leave the mouth with out any hesitation or thought to what effect it might have on the other person. "Did you sleep ok?"

I'm not sure why this question lingers on the tip of my brain. As though it is a fleeting thought that just can't flee from my brain. Like it is stuck on something...a loose bult in my mind. I'm not sure but because it lingers I'm attached to it.

You are tired and the clock is set at 10, 11, or 12. You head to bed and say goodnight. For what ever reason it is time to get up and get ready for the day ahead. You might of woken up from a sleepless night, ironically. Or you might of woken up from an ok night of rest. There are those nights were when you wake up in the morning...you wake up with no headache, exhaustion, worry, or a need to sleep more. Right then you realize that you slept more than alright. Your beauty rest was fantastic. It was enjoyable...not a hassle or concern to follow into your day.

My housemate and I exchange these words in the morning. A greeting from a friend.

I don't notice these words ever...not until this past week. Spring break was so fast but so needed at so many levels. A period to just rest my body and most importantly my mind. A breather from the everyday schedule of college.

It's those simple phrases that sometimes catch my attention. Do you really want to know how I slept or are you saying this to keep up...to put your two cents into the relationship? I'm not saying it's the negative answer. I think we as humans need to pay attention to the words that come out of our mouths. To ponder if that is really what we want to contribute to the relationship I have with so-n-so. Or is this just a mindless reaction I have towards that so-n-so.

Simple actions or words can have the slightest ill motives but the receiver can perceive them as a complete opposite. People are horrible. People are ruthless. People are liars. People hurt other people. I don't know if we should be incredibly sensitive towards others or we should just try are best not to piss anyone off. I'm not in the fan club to hurt others but it happens to be that I sometimes act like I am.

I often rely on people. I put these expectations into people. The last few months I have realized I need to limit those expectations...because they are letting me down, they are letting my expectations down. It's a matter of becoming more realistic and less imaginative. Though is this going to destroy me? I won't become a cynical human being will I? If I must to survive, then ok. If it comes down to it, then ok. If...then...

Insecurities...the dirt within

Its spring break officially tomorrow, Monday the 19th of March. The excitement of coming back to school...and seeing the people I wanted to see...being in a house that isn't Dad's, wore off. The daily struggles and stresses set in a week or ago. Yesterday my friend and I talked about inventing some kind of cure that takes away everything depressing. The depressing feelings. Those things that just screw your mind up. The events that seem to throw you off track and leave you helpless.

I think one thing I would like to be gone, is my insecurities that seem to trap me. My insecurities weren't set in the way I perceive myself in my looks, in the way I approach new people, but in the way I feel my closest friends perceive me. Strange I must say. Everyone tells me I have this confidence about myself. I even tell myself I just need to be confident that tonight I look good. Though when it comes to those moments in the day where my friends and I are just relaxing...my insecurities set in.

I know to a certain extent where these feelings root from. Scary sometimes to realize it but it is healthy to in so many ways. I know one root is the lost of my mom. Scared to lose someone like that again. Or to simply lose a friend through difficulties. This insecurity I have is like a tumor to me. I just want to find it and extract it from my body. Maybe perform a little chemo too.

Anyways, I must say I didn't realize how much a break from life does for you. Especially during that break the weather is just unfathomable. No more snow or cold winds right now. I love it. The weather changes my mood. In the summer I would wake up. Clean the dishes. Take some coffee. Go outside and sit drinking coffee while doing my devotions. I was lavished with the sun's heat in a Californian morning.
As I step outside to a brisk morning, that is way warmer than the days we have had, my heart sings.

I how different life would of been if I didn't come to Michigan. When I chose this school/decided I would attend Calvin, I was numbed with pain. If I hadn't been, I don't think I would of chosen this place at all. Not because hindsight but knowing who I was back thing before my mom died. Never would I want to go to a state that is saturated with snow, ice, water...in the ground and air. I wouldn't of chosen a place like this. But I am glad I did and I am glad I met the people I have.

I might not be close with all of them but I know they have all shaped me in some way. Its perfect almost when you think about it. Our lives can look like hell sometimes. They can even look so grim that its hard to find the light. But honestly...that grimness is like the dirt on the windows. You can always see out of it but when you focus on the dirt, you can't see anything but that dirt.

If I concentrate on the insecurities I have...I will only know my insecurities and not my strengths.

updating

I'm done with an exam that included 5 essays and that's it. I studied diligently this time. I started on Monday and proceeded through out the week to look at it, and maybe retain some sort of information. When I took the test or began to take it, I thought I was going to fail. Not because I had no confidence but because I'm a terrible test taker. I know my strengths are essays but it was my first important exam. One I wanted to succeed in. I'm sure I passed but my grade I am unsure of. I hadn't realized that once I'm passionate about the subject, I can do quite well.

This is a mark of the a newer me. Its strange how our personalities have temperaments which lay the fondation of our basic personality. Although we seem to evolve into who we are. My attitude and thought process seems to be changing and evolving. This isn't because I'm attuned to myself now but it is because I'm allowing it to change. 

When I go back to West coast, I often drift from what I want to be. My community there is strick in their beliefs. The concept of stepping outside and really testing your beliefs is almost out of question. I'm from California though...I should be able to find people similar to me and the way I think. I don't want my beliefs to be suppressed anymore when I go home. Instead of Conservative with liberal, I'm I liberal with conservative? I'm not totally sure what the answer of that is. I will however keep it open in journey in figuring it out. 

I've noticed in my pursuit in finding out myself and being confident with myself, I haven't taken huge steps forward or backwards. I'll take a step and then wade in the step for several periods. I'm not irrational though neither I'm I rational. Interesting, I suppose.

This year has been rewarding. I came to terms with things and got over so many things. I let go of certain friends who weren't holding that special place in my heart. The priority of so many things started to fall and others took their place. I felt liberated and not pressured. The ones who brought me down, fell down. I'm afraid to say that people in my life hold this hierarchy in my life. The problem with it is when someone who is near the top of the hierarchy starts to fail you on countless of times, it not only messes you, yourself, but also effects many aspects of your life. Hierarchy...

This next portion of my life has always been lingering around though I haven't directly talked about it. Love. Love for the opposite sex in my case. In my 6 semesters of college there has always been someone in each semester. With each someone I have learned about what I want and who I am most importantly. Though this portion of my life has yet to be fulfilled. I'm eager to share life with someone in a far more important way than I do with friends or family. Certain applications do apply here, I am aware. The need to be needed. The want to be noticed. The desire to be respected. And all the other things that follow. Although, I'm not in a hurry or even scrabbling. Priority maybe but certainly not on the top though not on the bottom. 

Or will I stop caring and if I stop caring, I will be ok?

I'm not quite sure who reads this blog anymore because the people who are viewing it are coming from all over the world. I'm glad that my words or something someone wants to come back to. It's encouraging to stay positive through whatever but also to really feel everything in a new way. Most of you read my blog about Spain which I wish was still going on.

Today I'm going to write about "culture shock". When you first hear, it seems like there really is only one meaning. Though the Spain meetings I went to before we took off said a lot more than just one meaning. I'm starting to realize that. School is back in session and I'm starting to see familiar faces that ask all the familiar and same questions. How are you? How was Spain? Are you adjusting? They are all legitimate questions.

I answer them in my shortest response possible because honestly people aren't ready for me to explode Spain at them. I could talk endlessly about it. The adventures, foods, places, people, economy, habits, landscape, views, smells, and etc.

As I go down my list of things that are different, I come across one indifferent thing about myself. My relationship with God the Almighty. Since sometime in the middle of Spain I haven't been to church, I did go on Christmas though. Every time Sunday hit, something happened on Sunday. Either hanging out with my niece, woke up too late, roads were unsafe due to snow for a new "winter" driver, or it was my birthday and the night before I went to bed at 6am. I haven't gotten the fair chance to even decide if I didn't want to go. I tried a podcast one time when I wasn't able to go and I love hearing the message. But I missing the community. Singing with so many other people or listening to the Bible being preached.

My heart for Lord seemed to be quieted down by life events. Like it was being scolded by some parent who isn't mine. Me being five years old, looking up at them and wondering what I did wrong. Like the world comes down so hard because I can't understand what I did wrong. Me, waiting for my parent to swoop in and save me.

What I'm I suppose to do or how I'm I suppose to solve this? Its affecting my decisions with things as well. For moment in time I had thoughts of leaving this faith and pursuing something else. Not another religion but just a different path. It crossed my mind for a moment. I'm not sure if you know this but having faith is incredibly hard.... It is like crops growing. They need to be tended to in several ways. Water, good soil, sun, and tender loving care. You can't just care....you need so many other things to keep the plant living.

As stress is added on as school starts up...I start to think of how I will handle all these issues on my own. Or will I stop caring and if I stop caring, I will be ok? No, I don't think that will work. uhm we will see

reconnecting

This past January I've been adjusting to my other life. It hasn't been totally normal, yet. But started next week I will experience my life for the next 4 months. Anyways, this past month I put the brakes on heavy thinking, being theological, having much to say, and really making an effort to adjust in a fast pace. What did this January look like then? I was just experiencing life and not adding so many complications or added stress. It was a break. I break from all the worries and extreme cares in the world. I sometimes battle between this state and then being overly stressed. I haven't found the middle ground, though I think this semester I will try.
I miss Spain but I didn't realize how much I missed this part of my life. The relationships I have with people that mean a lot to me. Reconnecting is a weird concept nowadays. We think we can reconnect via texting, calling, facebook or even skype. None of those really cut it, do they? We find ourselves a bit more empty from the person then we did before we talked using those forms of communications. I noticed that your personal face to face encounters with people tell you the truth. How close you really are. A relationship isn't build through the web or cell phone connections. Its the mundane talks. The moments where nothing is said for hours but you are still together. Its getting out of your busy and distracted mind and really focusing on the person's words. The moments where you notice they pay attention to not just your words but your minor actions. 
I do think that the web and cell phone interactions are useful and good but they are abused and misused. So many of my friendships are kept up through facebook or texting. I hate it. I can't tell if they are truly happy or sad. How I'm I suppose to be a better friend to you when the only way we communicate is through facebook or texting? How I'm suppose to bond with you. I guess this comes down to the fact that I am 100% more into having quality time then anything else. Although, for my friends that live in different countries, technology has made it possible for me to communicate with them on a daily basis if I wanted to. That's a perk but I'm still more of a quality person.
After being away from home for three years I have noticed what relationships have really matured and what ones are still hanging on. I'm talking about the friendships that I have in California. I can see the tears in the thread the held our relationship together. The people that are good communicators have been there...but the ones that aren't. The ones that say they are busy and that's why they haven't called much. Who say we are still best friends but actions really don't reflect that.
I think in a way things like facebook have decreased communication. It's just easier to ignore or to give the person enough reasons to not make a bigger effort.
On my birthday so many people wrote on my facebook wall. Though the ones who sent me a warm text or a phone call meant way more. My 21st birthday...

Better Than the Deal I Showed You That One Day

Your face was covered with mud from the thud
from the rock made when I threw it to your feet.
I thought with a single throw I had created a defeat.
Though you threw it back and hit my ear
and with one wince I shed a screaming tear.

My brother you arched your back
feeling you owed some sort of attack
to follow on track the way you used to react
then you became consumed with anger
Fumed from your nostrils bloomed a radical tune.
I knew my disagreed heart made you contract

I never used to worship you like I did with the others
didn’t bother because I knew who you were
You were my best friend, we were even.
I believed you and you believed in me.
you never said no, or treated me too low.

With anger fuming from your heart
and my heart being as sour as the tart
you ate the night before.
We opened the gate to a fight
of words that soared the air.
my fist swung like the eagles wings.
breaking of rings sounded off like ting ting.
Salty and hot tears form from our eyes
as we said our goodbyes to childhood.
could we have lost each other?
Are you back to being just my brother?

I came home from the Christ centered college.
came to the destruction of Rome being teared
down to the foundation which held nothing.

The empire I created ceased to live.
It smelled of lies and excelled in being opaque.
I rebelled and withheld any closeness you expressed
it was fake, the thief was taking my love
with none in return but only to burn it in front of my face.

We clashed and bashed our relationship against the rocks.
Erasing all the time kept clocks and forming the blocks
around my heart and mind. So that no one could find
you. no one began searching for you until I did.
I bid for your reputation till it dissolved me down.

demons counting high and the lullabies ceasing...
My faith in you was decreasing and feasting
on my anger like the larva eats away the deceased finger.

With my eyes closed, you rose to see better days
though I hope you don’t fail or bail on the new life
to come. instead eat this meal that came your way.
better than the deal I showed you that one day.

Some liberation

Something happened to me when I came to Grand Rapids, Mi. When I came back to Calvin and the world it produces. I may call it some form of shock I suppose but I don't know if I can say that. I guess I can say that the person I knew I was in Calvin isn't quite there anymore. I feel different from her and the choices she would regularly make. Or why I would make those choices. My reasoning for some things have changed, my views, and who I want to talk to has also changed. 

I see this college campus as a good friend I left behind and I'm coming back to. Constantly coming back and forth from California to Michigan and now Spain...as altered some of my relationships with people. I'm closer to some and I'm distant from others. Some have pushed me to the outer sides of their lives. I care but I come to an understanding. I knew living somewhere else than the States would change my relationships. 

I was with a friend this evening and we were talking about Spain. I couldn't describe things to him well to a point where it made sense. I couldn't connect two totally different worlds. I just didn't have the words to do myself justice and it made me frustrated. I was frustrated that I even tried. When I went into depth about Spain for the first time it was like describing colors to a color blind person. Can you see my frustration? 

My everyday life in Spain has turned into a color that no one in my American inner circle can see. Being in my classes for a little over a week I find myself at times struggling. Not at all with the material or anything like that. I struggle with the fact that so many people perceive to be the same. The same Christian Reformed Calvin College thoughts, dreams, aspirations, and desires. 

I'm still waiting for that one person to just wow me. To surprise me with the things they say and do. To catch my mouth forming the word awe. 

I'm waiting for the point to wow someone else...

This is the world I live in. I find school great but sometimes so confining. I want to meet the people not the theories. I want hands on action instead of it being on a TV screen. I'm content with my thinking though. I like looking forward and being places. I like meeting those interesting people that up front won't share their darkest secrets. Although, the first conversations exchanged with them...you might hear them somewhere down the road. They might tell you about how their Dad died or how they got into the car accident...or how they want to changed the world now. 

I'm feeling stuck a bit after spain...like the life I lived in the States isn't cutting it anymore. Well the life I had in the States. It's time for a change. Some liberation.