Better Than the Deal I Showed You That One Day

Your face was covered with mud from the thud
from the rock made when I threw it to your feet.
I thought with a single throw I had created a defeat.
Though you threw it back and hit my ear
and with one wince I shed a screaming tear.

My brother you arched your back
feeling you owed some sort of attack
to follow on track the way you used to react
then you became consumed with anger
Fumed from your nostrils bloomed a radical tune.
I knew my disagreed heart made you contract

I never used to worship you like I did with the others
didn’t bother because I knew who you were
You were my best friend, we were even.
I believed you and you believed in me.
you never said no, or treated me too low.

With anger fuming from your heart
and my heart being as sour as the tart
you ate the night before.
We opened the gate to a fight
of words that soared the air.
my fist swung like the eagles wings.
breaking of rings sounded off like ting ting.
Salty and hot tears form from our eyes
as we said our goodbyes to childhood.
could we have lost each other?
Are you back to being just my brother?

I came home from the Christ centered college.
came to the destruction of Rome being teared
down to the foundation which held nothing.

The empire I created ceased to live.
It smelled of lies and excelled in being opaque.
I rebelled and withheld any closeness you expressed
it was fake, the thief was taking my love
with none in return but only to burn it in front of my face.

We clashed and bashed our relationship against the rocks.
Erasing all the time kept clocks and forming the blocks
around my heart and mind. So that no one could find
you. no one began searching for you until I did.
I bid for your reputation till it dissolved me down.

demons counting high and the lullabies ceasing...
My faith in you was decreasing and feasting
on my anger like the larva eats away the deceased finger.

With my eyes closed, you rose to see better days
though I hope you don’t fail or bail on the new life
to come. instead eat this meal that came your way.
better than the deal I showed you that one day.

Some liberation

Something happened to me when I came to Grand Rapids, Mi. When I came back to Calvin and the world it produces. I may call it some form of shock I suppose but I don't know if I can say that. I guess I can say that the person I knew I was in Calvin isn't quite there anymore. I feel different from her and the choices she would regularly make. Or why I would make those choices. My reasoning for some things have changed, my views, and who I want to talk to has also changed. 

I see this college campus as a good friend I left behind and I'm coming back to. Constantly coming back and forth from California to Michigan and now Spain...as altered some of my relationships with people. I'm closer to some and I'm distant from others. Some have pushed me to the outer sides of their lives. I care but I come to an understanding. I knew living somewhere else than the States would change my relationships. 

I was with a friend this evening and we were talking about Spain. I couldn't describe things to him well to a point where it made sense. I couldn't connect two totally different worlds. I just didn't have the words to do myself justice and it made me frustrated. I was frustrated that I even tried. When I went into depth about Spain for the first time it was like describing colors to a color blind person. Can you see my frustration? 

My everyday life in Spain has turned into a color that no one in my American inner circle can see. Being in my classes for a little over a week I find myself at times struggling. Not at all with the material or anything like that. I struggle with the fact that so many people perceive to be the same. The same Christian Reformed Calvin College thoughts, dreams, aspirations, and desires. 

I'm still waiting for that one person to just wow me. To surprise me with the things they say and do. To catch my mouth forming the word awe. 

I'm waiting for the point to wow someone else...

This is the world I live in. I find school great but sometimes so confining. I want to meet the people not the theories. I want hands on action instead of it being on a TV screen. I'm content with my thinking though. I like looking forward and being places. I like meeting those interesting people that up front won't share their darkest secrets. Although, the first conversations exchanged with them...you might hear them somewhere down the road. They might tell you about how their Dad died or how they got into the car accident...or how they want to changed the world now. 

I'm feeling stuck a bit after spain...like the life I lived in the States isn't cutting it anymore. Well the life I had in the States. It's time for a change. Some liberation. 

And Now You Know Why

For this week that I have been home, I have been trying to be aware of my moods n' such. All I can say is that coming back to the States I have culture shock. Mostly from the people. Americans...northern americans...I'm not sure I'm fond of them or ever will be. Though understanding everything is pretty amazing. I think it makes me a bit anxious. I'm either tired or just consumed by what is all around me.

The other day my family and I went to Costco. After shopping and buying we had a snack and sat. I wanted to leave, everything was just overwhelming. From the people to how big and open the store was. I was being confronted by space and all I wanted was something small. My house is huge compared to the apartment I was living in. Living in with three other people.

I'm I trying to adjust? Yes I am. People move on a different step here though and it makes it hard. Everything has to be done right now or never. I just want it to slow down. 

I got my hair cut differently then what I had when I arrived in the states. Not only do I get comments but I get my feelings crushed. The playful and nonstopping comments are beginning to bug. At those times  I wish the language would switch to Spanish so that I could only understand half of it. Maybe then it wouldn't bother me too much. 

Sometimes I wonder about who gets me...my family rarely does. Although Britton might be the only one who really does. The first words out of his mouth when I saw him was, "I like your haircut!" Though as I filter through my friends I can only think of one person that gets me from my clothes to my choices in life. And that person is Annette. I blabbed about Spain to her with no fear she would get annoyed. I think at times we are twins in our thinking and dressing. And I don't care one bit. 

At almost being 21 I still am trying to figure out who I am. Spain was taking care of that until I came home. I'm not sure how to be warm and fuzzy anymore. Or how to have in depth conversations with people here. I have detached my emotions from my decision making maybe too much. reason over emotions, right? I'm not sure what happened but every time I hear bad news, it goes through me like a plane goes through a cloud in the sky. It may be that I'm overwhelmed by everything.

At almost being 21 I still have to strings attached to me. There is nothing keeping down to a certain place. I can settle anywhere at the moment. I can go anywhere I choose to. I can cut my hair any way I want and not be afraid. Shall I just shave it?? Shall I just do it and see how I am treated then? I'm thinking of doing it. My mom had to do more than once. Shall I call up Shapiro and let her know to come on over? At this point in the game I can only attract the ones who see the real me and not some outer image. The rings, watches, clothes, boots, or make-up I wear only matters when I let it matter. 

Spain is high in image. California is high in image depending on what street you turn on or home you enter. So shall I tear away from this high self image? I'm tired of what looks good for age or what is more feminine. I'm sick of this way of life...what's cute and what's not. One of my friends on my Spain group told me I am their inspiration in style. To not be afraid to wear what you want. I was so encouraged and happy. Though when I step into my house in California...I change more often then I did because I don't feel like being judged or told that, "wow, you look like a hipster or don't you have something cuter than that?" I honestly think that I don't wear dresses enough because I get tired of people paying attention to it. "Oh Wow, you look so good...YOU ARE WEARING A DRESS?!?!.....you look so cute NOW." Honestly, stop. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I need to wear dresses. I have to have the long hair. I need it to be symmetrical. I have to have pink. I need to be wearing make-up. I have to have my nails done. I need to have all the polish off my fingers. I need to take a shower every single day. I need to smell nice. I have to say polite things. I can't wear certain boots. I need to be civil all the time. I have to cry at certain movies. I need to be dating now so I can marry soon. I have to wear the dress that you pick. I need to be on a diet. I can't eat more then ___ chocolates. I can't wear sweats outside. I have to have a plan for my life. I need to not talk about how ethnic jokes bother me or homosexual comments bother me. I have to ask and respond in the right way to "your" standard even when I have no clue how. 

The clashing of my heart and the comments that are directed my way. I get quite because of these comments and situations. And now you know why.  

I will fight for you sanity...

To Focus I need to get it out. To study for this test I need to get the emotion out. So many questions and so many answers of "I dunno". Well, I want to know many things. Things of why you chose this and not that. Why you are on this path and not me? Why did you struggle so much and not speak out? why couldn't I of helped you? Putting me in a useless spot. I want to be the shoulder for you to cry on and the comfort arms of a hug. I want wipe away the tears when you cry. I want to be home so I can drive to you and visit you. The wants are endless and yet they help nothing. My mind spins around in the wants, it cannot settle for a moment. Would you be semi ok if she had lived? Would you be chasing your dreams and living in love? If she had lived...would have been ok? The choice was yours and the choice was mine. I want to remove the confusion and the diffusion of comfort in your life. I have not felt these feelings for a long time. The emotion that is so helpless in a tragic and dramatic situation. I hoped to be your support. Did I take too long to get better? Was I too late? Could I have talked some sense into you? What if I wasn't so cold and broken...could I then? I want you to be ok. I want to fight for you to be ok. I want to make sure you are ok. Distance will not stop me from fighting for you.

Most of all I'm angry at you and your choices. The first person to let me down entirely is the first person who seemed to understand me. I will fight for you sanity...

I have Creation on the Mind

There are moments in our lives when we realize we are happy. I'm experiencing the greatest time in my life so far. Feelings that aren't overwhelming but just right. Life comes and then goes. I'm talking about the life we were given but when we finally realize what living is. When you see creation as truly fantastic, every part of it is inspiring. I was in the sun on Friday. It was warm and so wonderful. It hit my body with such heat...the right amount of it. It wasn't too hot to the point where I would burn to death or too cold where I would freeze to death. The sun is a powerful piece of creation. Today, Sunday, I sit in my room where outside it is raining to all extremity and there is lighting and thunder coinciding with it. Its like they are making music together...a performance piece. The rain patters loudly while the thunder cracks at the right time and then the lighting flashes at the peak of the performance. When you notice how God works in your life, how he formed the events and people in your life, you notice how creation sings to you. Creation worships God like it is a job. They are living...the act of living for them is their job. I might sound to in depth in my mind but when I start to look at man made products....it isn't beautiful. The rain that pours is beautiful...the shower isn't. The both bring goodness but rain is so powerful. It brings growth to the land...it brings growth which brings oxygen. This goes on and on.

I have creation on my mind because I am starting to get used to seeing God's power in my life to be so radiant and extreme...now I am looking outside my life and seeing his glory in other's people's lies...now I am looking outside my life and into creation, the beginning of his power to us. This is life...we analyze so many stupid situations, why can't we analyze creation for once. It works in so much order...why can't we recognize that the same why it works in order our life does the same? Why? There wasn't two different gods...just one and He created both our lives and creation's life. He has control over the mountains and sharks...why can't he have control over your life as well?

thanks miche

so this will be short

I like someone. I have for a long time.

My friend took the leap of telling her crush...and even though it didnt end up how she wanted...she came out content. I admire her for that.

I'm going to do the same.

good thing he doesn't read this...well at least I don't think he does.

I am regaining myself

I come here now...I believe that only a select few ever look at my blog.

I shall be more real...not only are these words but these are words that turn into a formation...a formation that depicts me.

My head seems to not be racing like it did.
thoughts are going all at once
negative thoughts aren't streaming in and out
to point where I lose control
who am I
Who do I call out to?
And who WHO saves me?
My mind balanced now...set at this balanced pace
I am not rushing to place to place...from anxiety
I am not on the move...
calm
I am calm

Months have been hell for me. I have felt so alone and so abandoned...I have been sad most of my later life. There seemed to be an ongoing of events that would never stop. I kept being it with yet another problem and a huge problem. Whether it be family or friends...or something I did that was wrong. the world seemed to be spinning fast and it was spinning with me around while my grip got looser and looser...
I cried in the shower a lot...last semester and this one...there no one heard me and I couldn't feel the tears.

I got help. I am balanced. I can think about things and deal with them. I can attack a situation and deal with it. I am present.
I am regaining myself