I have Creation on the Mind

There are moments in our lives when we realize we are happy. I'm experiencing the greatest time in my life so far. Feelings that aren't overwhelming but just right. Life comes and then goes. I'm talking about the life we were given but when we finally realize what living is. When you see creation as truly fantastic, every part of it is inspiring. I was in the sun on Friday. It was warm and so wonderful. It hit my body with such heat...the right amount of it. It wasn't too hot to the point where I would burn to death or too cold where I would freeze to death. The sun is a powerful piece of creation. Today, Sunday, I sit in my room where outside it is raining to all extremity and there is lighting and thunder coinciding with it. Its like they are making music together...a performance piece. The rain patters loudly while the thunder cracks at the right time and then the lighting flashes at the peak of the performance. When you notice how God works in your life, how he formed the events and people in your life, you notice how creation sings to you. Creation worships God like it is a job. They are living...the act of living for them is their job. I might sound to in depth in my mind but when I start to look at man made products....it isn't beautiful. The rain that pours is beautiful...the shower isn't. The both bring goodness but rain is so powerful. It brings growth to the land...it brings growth which brings oxygen. This goes on and on.

I have creation on my mind because I am starting to get used to seeing God's power in my life to be so radiant and extreme...now I am looking outside my life and seeing his glory in other's people's lies...now I am looking outside my life and into creation, the beginning of his power to us. This is life...we analyze so many stupid situations, why can't we analyze creation for once. It works in so much order...why can't we recognize that the same why it works in order our life does the same? Why? There wasn't two different gods...just one and He created both our lives and creation's life. He has control over the mountains and sharks...why can't he have control over your life as well?

thanks miche

so this will be short

I like someone. I have for a long time.

My friend took the leap of telling her crush...and even though it didnt end up how she wanted...she came out content. I admire her for that.

I'm going to do the same.

good thing he doesn't read this...well at least I don't think he does.

I am regaining myself

I come here now...I believe that only a select few ever look at my blog.

I shall be more real...not only are these words but these are words that turn into a formation...a formation that depicts me.

My head seems to not be racing like it did.
thoughts are going all at once
negative thoughts aren't streaming in and out
to point where I lose control
who am I
Who do I call out to?
And who WHO saves me?
My mind balanced now...set at this balanced pace
I am not rushing to place to place...from anxiety
I am not on the move...
calm
I am calm

Months have been hell for me. I have felt so alone and so abandoned...I have been sad most of my later life. There seemed to be an ongoing of events that would never stop. I kept being it with yet another problem and a huge problem. Whether it be family or friends...or something I did that was wrong. the world seemed to be spinning fast and it was spinning with me around while my grip got looser and looser...
I cried in the shower a lot...last semester and this one...there no one heard me and I couldn't feel the tears.

I got help. I am balanced. I can think about things and deal with them. I can attack a situation and deal with it. I am present.
I am regaining myself

Whoever is praying for me out there is really coming through.

Contentment...
Life would be a lot better if we all had that power to be content about anything. When I first got to school I felt all the problems I would have to face during this school year. It was like when you get into the ocean and you know there are going to be waves. The thing is you turn your head towards shore because something just seems so interesting on shore. Once you turn your head back to the direction of the waves, they hit you in the face. Knocking you to your feet, you are perpelxed that at the exact moment you turn your head, you get hit by a big wave. That is what it felt like coming back to school. My head was turned to the shore the entire summer. I forgot about what was waiting for me on the other side. I'm standing in the waters of life. There is smootth sand on the feet but occasionally there is that rock that you step on or that hole you walk into. The water is warm and comforting. Some waves are small and doable while others are huge and problematic. If you aren't ready for the wave it will destroy you. Some days the waves are bigger than the other days. There are seasons of just plain flatness. Right now I keep looking back at home and seeing all the good. When I keep my focus on home, I keep getting smashed with waves.
Home provided limited problems but it also provided limited growth. I know here that I will be stretched thin. Here I will be used in a entirely different way. Back home I made friendships with people that were like me. We almost dress the same...listen to the same music...see God the same...smoke some tobacco pipe once in awhile...back home I see smooth warm sand with a towel and arizona ice. Here I see mounds of waves crashing.
I found this verse during the summer

Proverbs 16

¹ To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

² All a man's ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.

³ Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.

⁴ The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.

I did a devotional on this during my Mexico trip..it was weird how I did it. If you know me really well, you would know that I usually plan out what I have to say in my head...almost about anything that will have good or bad ending situations. The big stuff. I usually write down a few things and I don't say anything that I didn't write down. This devotional I did, I prepared for a minute then went sleep. The next morning I gave it and I taught myself.

God 100% spoke through me. No doubt about that. He knew that someone needed to hear this verse and I was going to be his vessel.

Once we rely on God, His plans develop into ours. Trust, obey, and be content. Trust in is power. Believe He is all loving.

I'm having a hard time getting back in the swing of things but I'm safe to say...I'm getting there. Whoever is praying for me out there is really coming through.

just art

I'm baffled. I am sure most of you have been through this. I just noticed that I have no idea where God's leading me. I thought it was here but now its there or here. Bitter? you got it. When I came home from Mexico, things were a bit different but all of a sudden I felt at home. Friends were present...a job in my hands...and weather to die for.
So what do I do when all my home friends are starting school right when I leave? I do art. I seem to always do hard when life is shitty or write. And right now on my mind is art. NO PACKING just art.

How is God teaching me...wait me?!?!?!

Last night I performed a spoken word that was on sex and love. I had an amazing time doing it even though my nerves where sometimes getting the best of me. As I was approaching the time to leave, people would stop me and just tell me how great I did. To be honest I hate glorifying myself. I love love to be heard and listen to but the part when people congratulate me, is when I start dreading. I just get uncomfortable. I really didn't understand why I did until the drive home. The words I used in my spoken word and the way I perform it was from God. I look at myself and I think "how the heck could I have done that? How did I do that?"
The past few days have been rough. I seem to hit a spell of depression that is related to numerous things, well two things. My mom being gone really effects things...her being gone is like a cancer in my life. Cancer doesn't just affect one organ and that is it, it affects everything. It is going to be 3 yrs in October and I am still thinking that mourning is going to be over. Last night after the sermon and after I spoke they played a video about the man who wrote How He Loves Us, the song David Crowder sings. This man wrote about his struggle and anger towards God...then about how much God really loves us. His struggle was his close friend dying. There was a section in the video that he was looking at old songs he wrote around the time his friend died, he started crying with passion. His friend died 7 yrs ago...
I'm not accepting the fact that my mourning and grief will be with me till the day I die and the grief will always be intense, not often but still intense.
With all this inside me I realized other factors in my life that needed work done. I have the hardest time trusting people. I do not think trust is black and white. You can fully trust someone or you can trust someone with small stuff and not the huge things. Having a lot of tragic in my life, I have realized that if you just put out your story on people, they stop asking for more. It isn't often when you come across someone whose mom died and is in the same area as grief as you are. For the people who haven't been through this, its easy for them to hear a bit and be satisfied that you are telling them the whole bundle of crap in your life. If you really knew me, you would know that I have talent to manipulate people. In having that skill it has also allowed me to really put this mask over my true self. When something is really wrong I can hide it like having candy the day after Halloween. In reality I want people to know...so without giving in, I leave a trail of bread crumbs for people to sniff out and I wait for the bold to ask me a question about how I am doing. Or I do a complete opposite and make a diversion. I'll be mean to them which leads them to being pushed away and then I don't have to worry about opening up anytime soon. Oh boy but how God built this eternal foundation of morality in us. The chunk of me that has goodness built in me, speaks up and I ask for forgiveness.

God has been placing huge ideas, thoughts, lessons, and love on my heart in the pass weeks. I know now that he is preparing me for something grand. Maybe its my missions trip next week or maybe its something bigger than I will ever conceive. How is God teaching you? Have you ever just sat down and thought about that??? It really helps when you are going through something rough.

direction of my calling and not look back

I haven't blogged in a long time and I just thought it would be a good idea to just write a little. The past two months since I have written have been insane. So much has gone on that I think God has planned a life for me of chaos. Nothing is still until I become still in God. My family is having the usually problems it faces and some others. Friends are here and then go. I never thought it would be like that. I never thought they would change so much that we can't even see each other. I'm I that much different? It amazes me how people say change isn't alive but dead as George Washington. I have seen change in so many people's personalities that it scares me about myself.
The things that I get involved in have changed too. I used to get involved with insane parties but not I am going to Mexico for two weeks on a missions trip. I did a spoken word in front of 200 something people. Some times I just don't get it. I do not understand this God who can let tragic happen but then again He blesses us like no other. How am I here living in America where we throw away food because theres too much. How am I here where Hispanics are fighting for their lives to live here. I have started to get Anti-American. Some people here do not get it and others get it right away. My country has freedom of speech which leads to anything to be said. This "freedom" has led us into this twisted world. Our country has so many people who suffer from a mental disorder than these third world countries. We have more serial killers then other countries. We struggle with this concept of freedom. I read this book awhile back, I can't place my finger on what it is called. The author talked about how we need laws to have the right freedom. God gives us laws, the moral law, the golden rule, and some others. Laws are like bones in our body. They are hard and sturdy...they also serve an important function, they keep us moving and in motion. Without the solid bones we would be like silly puddy.
I am thankful for where I live. But too many of us take advantage of where we live. I cannot stand living somewhere where we eat so much processed foods. Our food bill is sky high while some families of four in another country live on $1.25 of groceries for a week. When you watch a tribe in a third world country on TV, count how many over weight people there are. I know I do not have this perfect life, where I am not buy new clothes or expensive food that I do not need. I'm trying not to. There is just so much we can do, but don't do it. God has placed this compassion and passion on my heart for a reason. I'm going to go in the direction of my calling and not look back.